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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is this a one-off?

80 replies

HogwartsForever11 · 08/09/2021 22:51

So my partner of 5 years pushed me aggressively today, I was totally shocked and hurt (emotionally, it wasn’t a very physically painful action) as it was out of character and unprovoked. I never thought I’d be this person but could this just be a one-off? Do I let it go?

For full disclosure - we were watching tv in separate rooms downstairs (due to the football!) I was ready for bed so went into the kitchen and checked the back door was locked, as every night. It wasn’t, so I locked it. He came in and asked for id locked the door, and why, at which point I remembered we had purposely left it unlocked as we’d had a disposable bbq a few hours earlier, left it to cool outside and intended to bag it up and throw it in the bin just before bed.
I said I’d forgotten but we could just unlock the door, and he put his hands on my shoulders and shoved me backwards and told me to get out.
I was shocked and put my arms out and pushed him backwards, my hands on his chest. He pushed me another few times and turned me around to shove me out of the kitchen.
I firmly told him to stop, unlocked the door, brought the bbq in, told him to sleep in the spare room, and have taken myself to bed. He said sorry but didn’t seem particularly remorseful.
Do I put it down to a moment of madness or do I run? He had had 1 can of larger with the bbq as far as I know

OP posts:
Rainbowqueeen · 09/09/2021 05:06

No it’s not a one off. This will be your life if you stay with him but with escalating violence each time he decides to exert control over you.

Sorry and Flowers

NewlyGranny · 09/09/2021 05:14

This is how it begins. He knew what he was doing. He chose to do it. It was not even a "one-off" was it? It was a series of pushes and manhandling you.

It sounds as if you are not married and you don't mention children, so it will be relatively easy to get him out of your life which is what you need to do.

This stuff always escalates. Always.

If it had been one push followed by shock and remorse in an "OMG, what have I done, I am so sorry," fashion instantly, then perhaps, but this is different.

NewlyGranny · 09/09/2021 05:27

And because you pushed back - a very natural self-defence response - be prepared for him to play the 'bad as each other, weren't we silly' card. That or pretend nothing happened. Don't have a bar of either.

Get hold of 'Why Does He Do That?' by Lundy Bancroft and have a read. It's available to read online, I think.

So sorry he has shown this side of himself but you need to believe it's him.

pasturesgreen · 09/09/2021 05:39

Run. It won't get better. I'm sorry you had to go through this.

3scape · 09/09/2021 05:45

He didn't just do it once. He did it a few times because you pushed back. He had to take control and "show you". It won't stop now.

Ytrigging · 09/09/2021 06:13

I’m not surprised you’re posting to reflect on this. In your position I’d be shocked and shaken and looking for answers too. But from the outside it might be easier to have a clearer view. Someone who loved and respected you would not shove you even once, let alone several times. Domestic violence escalates from a minor incident to something a bit bigger and before you know it you’ve feeling trapped in a terrible situation. I’d leave now if I were you. He doesn’t even sound sorry so he doesn’t think he has done anything wrong so what’s to stop him doing it again?
You don’t mention which country you’re in, but there are charities in many countries which can help you to leave if you need it.

AngelPrint · 09/09/2021 06:32

If you stay, in his mind, that tells him it was ok.
It’ll happen again and most likely get worse once you’ve psychologically given him permission by staying and accepting it.

Leave.

someonesomewhere7 · 09/09/2021 06:58

I just wanted to second PP's suggestion to read Lundy' Barcroft "Why does he do that?". It makes you see right through all the manipulation of angry and controlling men.

serialname · 09/09/2021 07:52

He was angry and frustrated because of the football. He choose to take it out on you.
Leave.

QweenJinx · 09/09/2021 08:12

@Ytrigging

I’m not surprised you’re posting to reflect on this. In your position I’d be shocked and shaken and looking for answers too. But from the outside it might be easier to have a clearer view. Someone who loved and respected you would not shove you even once, let alone several times. Domestic violence escalates from a minor incident to something a bit bigger and before you know it you’ve feeling trapped in a terrible situation. I’d leave now if I were you. He doesn’t even sound sorry so he doesn’t think he has done anything wrong so what’s to stop him doing it again? You don’t mention which country you’re in, but there are charities in many countries which can help you to leave if you need it.
Absolutely, this. It will happen again- no doubt about it. He has shown he is capable. Please don't let it go.
Stompythedinosaur · 09/09/2021 08:28

It won't be a one off. Episodes of domestic violence are never a one off.

Ugzbugz · 09/09/2021 09:06

This is over more than the BBQ, sounds like his true colours showing. Leave.

MintyChops · 09/09/2021 09:30

I would leave, this is the beginning. Sorry this happened OP. Flowers

suspiria777 · 09/09/2021 11:59

The only way this will be a one-off is if you leave him so he can never do it again. He will do it again.

Alonelonelylonersbadidea · 09/09/2021 16:21

I'm very surprised that it took 5 years OP.
Maybe it is a one-off, but I doubt it. Very much doubt it.

I do get very frustrated by all those women saying 'if my husband of 25 years did this even once I'd walk.' The chances are you wouldn't. Really. You'd throw 25 years away just like that? Nope.
Saying that makes women who stay feel even worse.
The thing is it is hard to leave and you justify it. Even after only 5 years. Let alone 25!
OP it is shit that he has done it. It will escalate. I've been there. Many of us listen to the excuses. But we're on the other side and know that they are just that.

Anonymous48 · 09/09/2021 16:56

It's already not a one off. You said:

He pushed me another few times

I could (maybe) see trying to work through it if he pushed you once and was immediately horrified and remorseful at what he'd done. Or if he was drunk and committed to never drinking again. But neither of these scenarios are what happened here. He was sober and pushed you repeatedly.

Original poster
HogwartsForever11 · 13/09/2021 19:02

Thank you all for such kind words ♥️ This was a first in terms of physicality but he was occasionally had sudden verbal outbursts.
I am still here as of now but still seriously considering going.

He has promised to go on an anger management course which costs £1.5k. He says in order to pay for this he will need to start reducing what he pays into our joint accounts (1 for mortgage and bills, 1 for going out/fun/holidays/house stuff) so we won’t be able to buy items for our new house unless I pay the full cost. I feel relieved he is looking for help but annoyed at the cost as, after paying into our joint accounts he still has £900 entirely of his own each month and has more than £10k in savings, so it feels controlling to make me miss out on things, and like he’s making me choose - but this is probably insignificant as long as he gets help …

OP posts:
Birdkin · 13/09/2021 19:12

I don’t think it is insignificant op. He’s the one with the problem, you’ve done nothing wrong and he should be making sacrifices.

Please keep thinking about leaving, if this is his attitude I’m not sure the anger management will make any difference.

Confusedandshaken · 13/09/2021 19:13

If he has never done anything like this before you can call it a a one off for now. You can also call it the the first time he laid hands on you. If you plan on staying with him mark the date in your phone so you can track how long it is until his second incident because if you accept it this time there will be a second time soon and then a third time very soon after that.

I just read your comment about him paying for an anger management course - he is now trying to add financial abuse to his physical abuse. I suggest that (again, if you stay) you also reduce your contribution to the household finances while he attends the course. Don't let him emotionally bully you into effectively paying for his therapy. Save your money for any help or therapy you might need.

Burnamer · 13/09/2021 19:16

This isn’t insignificant OP.
If he agreed that this was unacceptable behaviour he would be scrambling to the anger management course and thrusting his savings at them. He is either trying to get you to say “no, don’t bother going” or he’s trying to punish you financially for him having to go.

LittleOwl153 · 13/09/2021 19:17

Don't pay for the course or any addition into joint accounts. He is looking for a way to avoid it and blame you.

LittleOwl153 · 13/09/2021 19:20

I would halve (or whatever % you out in) the joint savings and remove it into your own account. You don't need to have joint savings and if he is this keen on grabbing your money for the "anger management course" he isn't going to do - he will be clearing out those accounts himself to spite you and stop you from leaving.

He is loosing his grip on you... take care. This is a very dangerous time for you.

ButterflyAway · 13/09/2021 19:23

Unsure which way to vote - YABU to think you can brush it off or it’s a one time thing. YANBU to run a mile, and then some.

I honestly don’t know what to say OP, I’m so sorry this happened tonight. I really wouldn’t let this slide though, it’s so far outside the realms of what’s acceptable. I hope you’re ok Flowers

ButterflyAway · 13/09/2021 19:25

Just noticed this wasn’t from tonight and read your update.

Him trying to make you choose is entirely controlling, and also financial abuse. Run.

EKGEMS · 13/09/2021 19:28

Oh for fuck's sale @HogwartsForever11 he needs to not pay the bills so he can take anger management? If he really wanted to change he'd do everything within his power to pay for the course HIMSELF and would put his hand into his pocket (use his savings or go out less or sell something on eBay!!!) Don't let him tell you some fairy tale! Think with your common sense that got you to adulthood!