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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Is this a one-off?

80 replies

HogwartsForever11 · 08/09/2021 22:51

So my partner of 5 years pushed me aggressively today, I was totally shocked and hurt (emotionally, it wasn’t a very physically painful action) as it was out of character and unprovoked. I never thought I’d be this person but could this just be a one-off? Do I let it go?

For full disclosure - we were watching tv in separate rooms downstairs (due to the football!) I was ready for bed so went into the kitchen and checked the back door was locked, as every night. It wasn’t, so I locked it. He came in and asked for id locked the door, and why, at which point I remembered we had purposely left it unlocked as we’d had a disposable bbq a few hours earlier, left it to cool outside and intended to bag it up and throw it in the bin just before bed.
I said I’d forgotten but we could just unlock the door, and he put his hands on my shoulders and shoved me backwards and told me to get out.
I was shocked and put my arms out and pushed him backwards, my hands on his chest. He pushed me another few times and turned me around to shove me out of the kitchen.
I firmly told him to stop, unlocked the door, brought the bbq in, told him to sleep in the spare room, and have taken myself to bed. He said sorry but didn’t seem particularly remorseful.
Do I put it down to a moment of madness or do I run? He had had 1 can of larger with the bbq as far as I know

OP posts:
RandomMess · 13/09/2021 19:28

He isn't going to change, if he wanted to he would pay for that from his savings wouldn't be??

Please run as far and as fast as you can.

Speak to woman's aid and do the freedom course ASAP

SnarkyBag · 13/09/2021 19:30

Tell him to shove his anger management course up his arse! He sounds awful

StoneofDestiny · 13/09/2021 19:36

Run far, run fast

DeathStare · 13/09/2021 19:36

Is this a one-off?

No. Every stat you can find will tell you it is highly unlikely this is a one off, and instead it is highly likely (almost certain) that this will escalate putting you (and any children you may have) in physical danger.

He has already moved on to using finances to manipulate you. An anger management isn't going to do anything because this isn't about anger, it's about control. And he isn't doing the course because he wants to change - hes doing it because you are making him. For these courses to work the person has to want to do the course and want to make the changes for themselves.

Please leave. This WILL get worse.

Orla1970 · 13/09/2021 19:51

Oh dear. Initially I thought good. Anger Mgt course but one that he wants you to pay despite it being him that’s got the anger issue and him that has 10k savings! Eh no to that one. His response is poor and he is downplaying it. He needs to take responsibility for his actions. I would be rethinking getting a new house with this one x

honeygriff · 13/09/2021 20:01

OP you sound like me in the beginning of one of my relationships. It doesn't get better. You may become better at walking on eggshells as time goes on. I've been free from DV for many years now but I can still get slightly on edge when I know the big matches are on. Stay safe OP.

TurquoiseDragon · 13/09/2021 20:14

OP, you need to leave as soon as you can safely extricate yourself.

He is showing some very controlling behaviour, like other posters are sayinh.

I spent 30 years with an abuser. The only physical abuse was rape, but I had verbal, financial, emotional abuse, etc, etc. It's left some mental scars on me and our 2 DC. While we've had a lot of healing, it'll never leave us completely. Don't be me, excusing it all for so long. Leave and make sure you're safe.

burritofan · 13/09/2021 20:16

And because you pushed back - a very natural self-defence response - be prepared for him to play the 'bad as each other, weren't we silly' card.
This is exactly how it began for me. Angry outbursts. Then a ‘one-off’ incident after which he repeatedly implicated my role in it too. So the next time I didn’t defend myself, so I could say “See? It wasn’t me”. This didn’t work.

Run run run, especially with the update about anger management, WTF. Gradually he’ll stop paying for anything, but that will be your fault too: “I’d pay the mortgage if you didn’t make me so angry” and “Oh, you want me to pay the council tax… so you DON’T want me to take anger management?” etc. RUN RUN RUN.

Notaroadrunner · 13/09/2021 20:20

So he has in the past verbally abused you, he's now physically abused you and his latest suggestion is financial abuse. You need to end this relationship asap. It's a shame you own a house together but that can be dealt with so do not let that deter you from getting the hell away from him.

maddening · 13/09/2021 20:47

Tell him it comes out of his fun money and savings otherwise its over.

Jaelin · 13/09/2021 20:57

I'm so sorry you are going through this OP, well done for standing your ground on this. At least he is acknowledging he has anger management issues but you are right to feel this is controlling. My reaction is why should you pay for this? He could have said he's going to see his GP or has reached out to a charity or talking therapies if cost was the only obstacle. There is also advice you can seek for yourself, Refuge, Women's Aid and others have information on their websites and helplines to help you talk through things with someone who can help. Do you have friends or family you can confide in so you feel supported? You need think about yourself first and foremost.

cakecakecheese · 13/09/2021 21:03

He should be begging for forgiveness not expecting you to front half the costs of his therapy.

Merryoldgoat · 13/09/2021 21:09

Why are you wasting time on him? Seriously. Why? He has £10k in savings and £10k a year disposable income but needs you to contribute to his course?

Wake up OP - come on.

DamnUserName21 · 13/09/2021 21:29

@HogwartsForever11

Thank you all for such kind words ♥️ This was a first in terms of physicality but he was occasionally had sudden verbal outbursts. I am still here as of now but still seriously considering going.

He has promised to go on an anger management course which costs £1.5k. He says in order to pay for this he will need to start reducing what he pays into our joint accounts (1 for mortgage and bills, 1 for going out/fun/holidays/house stuff) so we won’t be able to buy items for our new house unless I pay the full cost. I feel relieved he is looking for help but annoyed at the cost as, after paying into our joint accounts he still has £900 entirely of his own each month and has more than £10k in savings, so it feels controlling to make me miss out on things, and like he’s making me choose - but this is probably insignificant as long as he gets help …

He is manipulating and trying to punish you with this. The course should come out of his savings (I'm sure there are cheaper courses, also) He is abusive.
k1233 · 13/09/2021 21:35

I'm sorry, but how will anger management help with the situation? Why would anyone be angry about a door being locked when unlocking it is extremely simple and a non issue. That isn't a trigger for anger. To me it sounds like he heard you move, decided to follow you and physically attack you. It's nothing to do with the door. Other posters have suggested domestic violence increases with the football. Again, that's really no excuse. To follow you and physically assault you is a choice on his part. It isn't anger, it's calculated. I fail to see how anger management will make any difference.

Add to that the bullshit he's pulling about paying for it. I agree with other posters that it is about control, making you miss out because of his actions and trying to make him accountable. It's his way of telling you there is a consequence for that. Soon that consequence will be physical not monetary.

As other posters have said, I would leave before it gets worse.

Ionlydomassiveones · 13/09/2021 21:42

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn at the poster's request.

billy1966 · 13/09/2021 21:43

He is a nasty piece of work who doesn't care for you.

He wants to punish you financially for the course.

He is an abusive man who is violent.

He assaulted you.

I hope you value yourself enough to realise he is scum and you are never going to have a decent relationship with him.

You didn't have a good relationship but it is now violent.

Help yourself and get out.

Sell that house.

He does not love you.

Speak to Women's Aid.

Flowers
BlackberryMuncher · 13/09/2021 21:46

Tell him to do as he pleases and get out!!!

He will get worse, he will get more financially controlling, get out.

Window1 · 13/09/2021 21:47

@maddening

Tell him it comes out of his fun money and savings otherwise its over.

This

violetbunny · 13/09/2021 21:52

Does he behave violently and have aggressive outbursts towards his work colleagues and friends? If not, then he doesn't have an anger management issue, he is able to keep is "anger" under wraps around them. He deliberately used his "anger" to punish you, which is abuse.

The only way to deal with an abuser is to leave.

MolkosTeenageAngst · 13/09/2021 22:03

Agree with those saying he is trying to manipulate and punish you by effectively making you pay for the course rather than using his savings.

Red flags all over the place, you need to leave.

CuckooCall · 13/09/2021 22:09

No him pushing you is not a one off. It will happen again and next time it will be worse.

As for you paying for his anger management course...he is taking the piss. Any man who genuinely felt remorse would move heaven and earth to ensure they completed the anger management programme to save their relationship and stop them from hurting the woman they love. They wouldn't sit on their own savings but expect their victim to pay for it. He's asking YOU to pay the money to stop him from hurting YOU again. And like others have said, he's doing it to punish you. What an absolute twat. He doesn't feel remorse at all for what he's done.

NewlyGranny · 13/09/2021 22:16

Anger "management" is messing around to suppress the symptoms while ignoring the disease.

Lundy Bancroft is good on why this is the wrong approach. He needs help to get to the root causes of his anger. Hint: it's not you or anything you did.

He needs a perpetrator programme and he will need to commit a year of weekly sessions and he cannot expect the cost to come out of your income! CF.

Not good enough. Shame on him for proposing such an outrageous arrangement.

Enough4me · 13/09/2021 22:54

OP, be completely honest with yourself, he blames you for him pushing you doesn't he?

He blames you for him looking into a course, and you need to pay as it's your fault all the time?

Can you see a blame pattern here...
you cannot change him, but the moment you change you to say no more, you can walk away.

Atalune · 13/09/2021 22:57

Run run as fast abs as fa away as you can.

This is a bad guy.

Leave him.