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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Is this a one-off?

80 replies

HogwartsForever11 · 08/09/2021 22:51

So my partner of 5 years pushed me aggressively today, I was totally shocked and hurt (emotionally, it wasn’t a very physically painful action) as it was out of character and unprovoked. I never thought I’d be this person but could this just be a one-off? Do I let it go?

For full disclosure - we were watching tv in separate rooms downstairs (due to the football!) I was ready for bed so went into the kitchen and checked the back door was locked, as every night. It wasn’t, so I locked it. He came in and asked for id locked the door, and why, at which point I remembered we had purposely left it unlocked as we’d had a disposable bbq a few hours earlier, left it to cool outside and intended to bag it up and throw it in the bin just before bed.
I said I’d forgotten but we could just unlock the door, and he put his hands on my shoulders and shoved me backwards and told me to get out.
I was shocked and put my arms out and pushed him backwards, my hands on his chest. He pushed me another few times and turned me around to shove me out of the kitchen.
I firmly told him to stop, unlocked the door, brought the bbq in, told him to sleep in the spare room, and have taken myself to bed. He said sorry but didn’t seem particularly remorseful.
Do I put it down to a moment of madness or do I run? He had had 1 can of larger with the bbq as far as I know

OP posts:
Pumpkinsandtrees · 13/09/2021 23:34

He is being incredibly manipulative here. If he really wants to take the course, he will pay for it out of his savings. He sounds like a total prick.

Cabbagepie · 14/09/2021 00:37

I think it was May Angelou who said 'when people show you who they are, believe them the first time'. He has well and truly shown you who he is - both when he pushed you and in relation to paying for his anger management course.

ChargingBuck · 14/09/2021 00:49

OP - please pay attention to this - he does not need an anger management course.

Angry & Controlling Men are not abusive because they get angry.
They are angry because they are abusers.

www.amazon.co.uk/Why-Does-He-That-Controlling/dp/0425191656?tag=mumsnetforu03-21

Another vote for the Lundy Bancroft book - see link.

What you are seeing in his behaviour is the beginning of the escalation process. He has angry outbursts, now he has escalated to physical.

I bet he doesn't shout at or shove his boss, or customers, or men, does he? Just you - behind closed doors. So he can control his "anger", he simply chooses not to around you.

The anger management course is a bullshit panacea to keep you sweet. Look at how he is pushing the financial responsibility for it onto you. Making you (effectively) pay for it is more control & punishment.

If he can manage his anger fine in the workplace - HE does not have an anger problem - YOU have an abuser problem.

He said sorry but didn’t seem particularly remorseful.
Of course not.
He feels entitled to shout at you, & now he feels entitled to shove you.
Do you want to hang around to see how he escalates - throwing things, grabbing you, pushing you to the floor? Hitting you?

Unless he wakes up tomorrow & the first thing on his mind is a fulsome apology - I think you are on a slippery slope & would be best off cutting your losses. The barbeque & back door stuff is a red herring. If the back door had not been locked, he'd have found something else to be "angry" (read - "abusive & controlling") about.

What's going to upset him next, so he can take it out on you?

ChargingBuck · 14/09/2021 00:52

I feel relieved he is looking for help but annoyed at the cost as, after paying into our joint accounts he still has £900 entirely of his own each month and has more than £10k in savings, so it feels controlling to make me miss out on things, and like he’s making me choose - but this is probably insignificant as long as he gets help …

Hogwarts my dear - HE is not the one who needs help.
That would be YOU.

You are spot-on about the controlling nature of his "offer" to go to anger management. Ask him why he's able to keep his temper at work, but not around you.

billy1966 · 14/09/2021 09:52

@chargingbuck

This.

OP, you need to seek help if you think his treatment of you can be fixed.

He chose to assault you.
Very calmly.
An escalation from his verbal abuse.

Please contact womens aid for support.Flowers

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