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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Brother not met niece yet

94 replies

clouds56 · 08/09/2021 22:16

I had my DD2 in April (she's almost 5 months old) and my brother still hasn't met her yet.
He lives away from our hometown but has been home a handful of times since she has been born but hasn't asked to meet her. The more time that is passing the more annoyed I feel about it. He has congratulated me since her birth and that is really the only communication we have had. Would you be annoyed or am I being unreasonable to feel this way? Should I be making the effort and ask him if he would like to meet her? He's home in a few weeks for a week and I'm actually getting anxious that if he doesn't ask to meet her in the time he is back I will feel really hurt and angry with him and will feel the need to say something..

OP posts:
Dazedandconfused10 · 08/09/2021 22:19

Have you asked him to meet her?

seaandsandcastles · 08/09/2021 22:21

The onus is on you to offer.

Other people’s kids really aren’t that interesting, even when they’re family.

Arabelladrinkstea · 08/09/2021 22:21

I find it strange that you haven’t just messaged and said ‘want to meet up when you’re back?’ And then taken along dd so they can meet?

santaslittlehohoho · 08/09/2021 22:22

Have you invited him to meet her? Is he assuming you're being covid safe and not seeing people?

Also, please don't be offended (I've got a 6 month old nephew) your baby is only really super interesting to you as parents. I'm sure he'll be a great uncle, but as an aunt IMO my role starts when my nephew can walk and talk and we can take him for fun days out and look after him. At the moment he's lovely but not particularly interesting to anyone but his parents! (And mostly attached to a boob or napping haha)

Original poster
clouds56 · 08/09/2021 22:22

@Dazedandconfused10

Have you asked him to meet her?
No I haven't. I never know when he is home until either he is here or already gone back and it's always my Aunty to tell me. Maybe I should be making the effort more with him but with everyone else it has just sort of come naturally the meeting process and I haven't really thought into whether I ask people to come and meet her or wait for them to ask me it just sort of happens!
OP posts:
WheelieBinPrincess · 08/09/2021 22:23

Ah come on!

Hand on heart most of us would be a bit offended if our own siblings didn’t bother to come and meet our brand new baby!

But you’re not allowed to be bothered about things like that on Mumsnet, like you’re not supposed to care if no one does anything for your birthday.

lughnasadh · 08/09/2021 22:23

Would the two of you normally meet up when he's home?

He obviously won't be particularly interested in the baby if you and he aren't close.

idontlikealdi · 08/09/2021 22:26

The relationship must be stilted if he hasn't volunteered already.

Original poster
clouds56 · 08/09/2021 22:30

@lughnasadh

Would the two of you normally meet up when he's home?

He obviously won't be particularly interested in the baby if you and he aren't close.

No we wouldn't, not unless it was a family gathering of some sort. We aren't close that's why I'm wondering if I'm being unreasonable. I just know if the shoe was on the other foot and he was the one to have had a baby I would be asking to meet her/him and I would be making an effort to get to know my niece/nephew. I 100% get babies aren't interesting until older and you can form a relationship with them and talk etc but he doesn't know my 3 year old either, they have probably met a handful of times usually around Christmas. I think I just feel sad that our bond isn't stronger and I realise that I am 50% of the issue.
OP posts:
Gingerkittykat · 08/09/2021 22:30

Can I ask how much contact you normally have? Would it be normal to not talk for long periods of time.

I agree that not making the effort of a card, present and polite meeting is hurtfull.

Beebababadabo · 08/09/2021 22:34

Sad that some people on here posted that people just aren't interested in others kids even family. I've always been excited and interested to welcome my siblings kids when they arrive.

Dishwashersaurous · 08/09/2021 22:36

If you are not close and see each other regularly then it's logical that he wouldn't think of coming to see you.

If you want a relationship with him and to get closer then you need to make the effort..invite him over for lunch

cleowasmycat · 08/09/2021 22:37

Concentrate on the things important to you and the people that want to meet her. It's his loss.

WellLarDeDar · 08/09/2021 22:40

I think you should at least invite him before getting offended by it. He might not want to impose or be trying to give you space. Imo the onus it on the parents to invite people to meet their baby, not for everyone else to invite themselves.

LukeEvansWife · 08/09/2021 22:41

If you aren’t close, he doesn’t let you know when he’s around and he hasn’t met your older child many times then I can’t see why he would suddenly change,

Try not to let it hurt too much - some people aren’t keen on babies and children, even if they are related.

Imnotamagician · 08/09/2021 22:41

I had my dd last year just before the 1st lockdown, she's now 18 months and still not met my db's and sil's. And neither live too far away from us. I have said to both we'll meet up but all I get is yes we will at some point but will not make firm plans and keeps avoiding things. I've gone past the point of caring now - so I know exactly how you feel op.

bubblebath62636 · 08/09/2021 22:42

I know how you feel op, DH's sister hasn't visited our 3 month old DD or sent a card. She's a proffesional woman in her 40s and lives just 10 minutes away. She also lives with MIL (who loves popping in and is a great help) so i don't understand why she doesn't pop along too...

DH pretends he's not bothered but I can tell he's a little hurt.

Families eh!?

RampantIvy · 08/09/2021 22:43

@Beebababadabo

Sad that some people on here posted that people just aren't interested in others kids even family. I've always been excited and interested to welcome my siblings kids when they arrive.
Unfortunately DH is like that. He isn't interested in other people's children - not even family children. On the other hand I am, and make up for his lack of interest.

I know I am generalising, but I don't think most men are bothered about other family children.

LukeEvansWife · 08/09/2021 22:47

Like PPs said, some people aren’t ‘baby people’. I prefer not to ‘meet’ babies as I am incredibly awkward around children and dread being asked to hold them (because apparently being female means you have to want to) and also I find it hard to fake interest. Maybe he isn’t interested in being an uncle, in which case concentrate on those who are interested

DeepaBeesKit · 08/09/2021 22:48

I find this so odd. My family have always been thrilled at the arrival of nieces and nephews, it's like a competition as to who gets to meet them first, with my sibling winning by arriving at hospital with chocolate, coca cola and some really nice sandwiches, just hours after I had my DC! I think the oldest any of my nieces/nephews have been when I met them would be maybe 2 or 3 days. Dh family had all met the kids within about 4/5 days.

It's sad OP. Is your brother close to you?

LimeRedBanana · 08/09/2021 22:48

I don’t blame you at all for feeling put out - my DB came to visit me and DC1 in hospital the day after I’d given birth.

But we are really close.

I do think you need to reach out to him though, rather than seething with silent resentment. If you’re not close, he probably is waiting for an invitation from you.

abw94 · 08/09/2021 22:48

Are you in regular contact? I do think it's rude he's not asked to visit but from reading your other replies you don't have much to do with him anyway?

LukeEvansWife · 08/09/2021 22:49

And if he wants to visit, I’m sure he would suggest it.

LimeRedBanana · 08/09/2021 22:51

Like PPs said, some people aren’t ‘baby people’

It’s not about being a ‘baby person’, surely.

It’s about being there for a family member after a major life event.

I don’t really understand how some families work, TBH. I don’t recognise a lot of what I see described on MN. People seem so distant, and as if they really don’t like each other.

SeoultoSeoul · 08/09/2021 22:51

See I wouldn't dream of asking if I could come and see a baby, I'd wait until I was asked, I wouldn't want to impose myself, even on my sister. Also could he be worried about passing on covid or a virus to her?