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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Brother not met niece yet

94 replies

clouds56 · 08/09/2021 22:16

I had my DD2 in April (she's almost 5 months old) and my brother still hasn't met her yet.
He lives away from our hometown but has been home a handful of times since she has been born but hasn't asked to meet her. The more time that is passing the more annoyed I feel about it. He has congratulated me since her birth and that is really the only communication we have had. Would you be annoyed or am I being unreasonable to feel this way? Should I be making the effort and ask him if he would like to meet her? He's home in a few weeks for a week and I'm actually getting anxious that if he doesn't ask to meet her in the time he is back I will feel really hurt and angry with him and will feel the need to say something..

OP posts:

londonrach · 09/09/2021 13:13

My cousin given birth in my local town...I can't wait to meet baby but remember those early days so waiting for invite. Ask your brother next time he the town but remember alot of people aren't that interested in babies especially if they not be around them before.

MissLC · 09/09/2021 14:27

I had a baby in April too. My brother lives 10 minutes down the road and has only met my LO twice, despite me asking him if he wants to meet... I think that covid is still having a knock on effect on some things, but also he's just a bit rubbish.
Instead messaged him around 4-5 weeks ago to see if he wanted to meet for coffee and he said he'd get back to me when he knew when he was free, I guess he still doesn't know when he is available
He's really not a baby person, so I'm trying not to be upset about it, but I am currently of the position that the 'ball is in his court now

Talkwhilstyouwalk · 09/09/2021 14:41

@seaandsandcastles

The onus is on you to offer.

Other people’s kids really aren’t that interesting, even when they’re family.

😂😂 this is actually true! I'm sure he hasn't meant to cause offence. I'd just ask him when he's about to catch up/meet the baby.

Original poster

clouds56 · 09/09/2021 14:53

@LukeEvansWife

He is very uninvolved with op and other child so, in order to come to terms with it, perhaps she should step away. If he agrees to meet up, it doesn’t sound like he would be doing it oit if any level of interest, just duty.

These are my thoughts exactly and I would hate to feel like I'm just a 'duty' to him if I do ask and he comes.

To answer some questions...
Yes my DS is his full sibling and they grew up in the same household with me visiting at the weekend and over the holidays. I can see why they would be closer because of this but it still feels quite hurtful that he doesn't seem to consider me in a sisterly way at all.

I am not close with my DS but closer than what I am with my DB she's met my DD2 and claims DD1 is her 'favourite person' although she rarely sees her but she does show more of an interest, via social media mostly.

My DSM is definitely the 'leader of the pack' with them all, she's a very strong character and they all just want to please her, myself included growing up although now I am out of that dynamic I can see her more for what she is and I don't really have much good to say about her. She's a very difficult person and I think it's clear that I was a bit of a tag along for her 'perfect family'. Her and my brother are extremely close so maybe there lies my answer. DB doesn't have a strong relationship with my Dad even though his parents are still together.

I grew up being extremely close to my Dad (I think another thing that pissed my DSM off) I was actually not invited to their wedding even though my cousins (same age) and DB went. The reason for this being I was 'too clingy to my Dad' and would 'ruin the day' I was 4 at the time. Anyway sorry I'm massively derailing. Bottom line I was close to my Dad but since having my DD1 his interest in me has completely stopped and the only time we talk now is if I call or text him. Which I still do because I worry about him and his MH.

I'm so sorry I feel like I've gone off on a massive tangent in this thread and am using you all as my unpaid therapists

OP posts:

Original poster

clouds56 · 09/09/2021 14:55

@MissLC

I had a baby in April too. My brother lives 10 minutes down the road and has only met my LO twice, despite me asking him if he wants to meet... I think that covid is still having a knock on effect on some things, but also he's just a bit rubbish. Instead messaged him around 4-5 weeks ago to see if he wanted to meet for coffee and he said he'd get back to me when he knew when he was free, I guess he still doesn't know when he is available

He's really not a baby person, so I'm trying not to be upset about it, but I am currently of the position that the 'ball is in his court now

That's pretty shitty of him IMO. Families are strange things aren't they?!

Sometimes I wonder if it's me that's the strange one or them....

OP posts:

Unfashionable · 09/09/2021 14:56

Perhaps your brother is waiting to be invited?

I’m not a ‘baby person’ at all, which is why I waited to be invited to meet my brother’s baby. I’m not close to SIL and we are very different people. I’m also well aware that you have to tiptoe on eggshells around new first-time mums, so I really didn’t want to risk doing or saying the wrong thing.

LukeEvansWife · 09/09/2021 14:57

I'm so sorry I feel like I've gone off on a massive tangent in this thread and am using you all as my unpaid therapists blush

Sometimes it helps to work it through on an anonymous forum

Being there only at weekends/holidays is bound to have muddied the waters in terms of brother/sister relationship. It sounds like your SM has caused a lot of problems.

Even more reason to keep some distance, I think.

Do you have support elsewhere?

LukeEvansWife · 09/09/2021 14:59

But for whatever reason, he shows no interest in your children and I think your time would be better spent working through this hurt, rather than compounding it by remaining involved.

Notadramallama · 09/09/2021 16:23

I have no children and no interest in them whatsoever, and that includes my nieces and nephews.

A puppy however...

HeddaGarbled · 09/09/2021 17:31

Ah, I think that explains it all. He’s close to his mum and you don’t like her. Whether he wants to meet his niece or not is a distraction from the main issue, which is that he’s gone no/low contact with you.

takehomepay · 09/09/2021 17:34

@HeddaGarbled it’s interesting you’ve said OP doesn’t like the SM when it’s actually the opposite. Why are you so quick to exonerate the SM and DB?

Original poster

clouds56 · 09/09/2021 19:29

@LukeEvansWife

I'm so sorry I feel like I've gone off on a massive tangent in this thread and am using you all as my unpaid therapists blush

Sometimes it helps to work it through on an anonymous forum

Being there only at weekends/holidays is bound to have muddied the waters in terms of brother/sister relationship. It sounds like your SM has caused a lot of problems.

Even more reason to keep some distance, I think.

Do you have support elsewhere?

Yes it definitely does help. I appreciate you all taking your time to reply to me.

I have a good support network in my OH and my DM and also my Aunty (my Dad's sister) she thinks the whole situation is just as bizarre as I do and I feel very grateful to have her on my Dad's side of the family. I was very close to my Grandma growing up (Dad's Mum) she's passed away now unfortunately but she was definitely the one who was always there to be my voice growing up when it came to fighting my corner against my SM and some of the decisions that were made. So I have had a lot of support thankfully.

I do think you are right though. This goes deeper than my DB not meeting my DD and I think I need to step back because I feel I'm just torturing myself. It's just difficult to do, hopefully time will help.

OP posts:

Original poster

clouds56 · 09/09/2021 19:36

@HeddaGarbled

I don't actively not like his Mum I'm very nice to her and always have been. I'm a people pleaser (definite weakness of mine!) so I very much doubt he has picked up on the fact I don't have much good to say about SM. I just don't really think he sees me as a sister.... and thinking about it he isn't massively close to my Dad and I'm apart of him so maybe that's another reason. If I was a half sibling on his Mum's side maybe things would be different!

OP posts:

Rewis · 09/09/2021 19:44

When my friend had a baby I wasn't sure on the etiquette. I looked up online and most advice seemed to be to wait till you were invited. We childless people read and hear all the time how you should be understanding and not bother the new parents.

MilkywayMonarch22 · 09/09/2021 20:29

Mumsnet has to have the most low maintenance approach to family I've ever known 😂

OP I don't think YABU and I don't understand this whole thing of if a family member, especially a sibling, has a baby then it's not that interesting!

If my sister had a baby I'd be asking when I could meet them !!!! My family have all been so excited to spend loads of time with my DC.

I don't think you should have to offer!

Scarby9 · 09/09/2021 20:36

I have just been reading another thread where someone is asking if they are unreasonable not to let in a friend who keeps calling in uninvited.
In the olden days (pre-Mumsnet), I would have contacted a friend who had a baby a month ago, and called round with a gift. But now I have held back in case I am actually intruding. And she hasn't invited me round.
So I say, if you want to see him, invite him!

Dishwashersaurous · 09/09/2021 20:59

I think that you've hit the nail on the head. You see him as your brother and want him to be interested and excited about being an uncle.

He sees you as a not very close relative who he doesn't bother with.

It socks but try not to let it get tonyou and spend your energy on people care about you

Briony123 · 09/09/2021 22:56

If you aren't close then having children only widens the divide. You from being your parents children with your parents in common, to being whole new separate families. My brother only lives an hour away and we've probably seen each other 12 times in 10 years. We just don't have much interest in each others lives or anything in common. Our children get on but will never properly know each other. We have friends who we have chosen instead!

youvegottenminuteslynn · 09/09/2021 23:01

During one of the tougher bits of lockdown I moved heaven and earth to go and visit my brothers newborn, seeing her and chatting to her mum (so brother's DP) through the window while standing outside in the rain. He made no real effort to talk to me.

When I have a baby it won't cross his mind to visit unless he's nearby for another reason. I'm sure it will upset me when it happens but I don't know why I expect any different after 30 years of him being my sibling.

People have different priorities and his aren't going to change because I have a baby. He isn't really interested in me and will see my baby as an extension of me so won't be interested in them either.

Try not to let it get to you, though I know that's easier said than done. Enjoy your little one

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