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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Brother not met niece yet

94 replies

clouds56 · 08/09/2021 22:16

I had my DD2 in April (she's almost 5 months old) and my brother still hasn't met her yet.
He lives away from our hometown but has been home a handful of times since she has been born but hasn't asked to meet her. The more time that is passing the more annoyed I feel about it. He has congratulated me since her birth and that is really the only communication we have had. Would you be annoyed or am I being unreasonable to feel this way? Should I be making the effort and ask him if he would like to meet her? He's home in a few weeks for a week and I'm actually getting anxious that if he doesn't ask to meet her in the time he is back I will feel really hurt and angry with him and will feel the need to say something..

OP posts:
LukeEvansWife · 08/09/2021 22:53

But if the family member isn’t close, then I don’t imagine they would be ‘there’ for them, or expect the same.

toomuchlaundry · 08/09/2021 22:56

If you are not that close, or see each other regularly then that probably explains why he hasn't bothered to come to see you. I am not close to DB and he hasn't met DC and they are teens! Can't remember when BIL first met them, but would likely be months old not days/weeks. He is close to DH (not close geographically though) but not into children, especially babies.

Antinerak · 08/09/2021 22:57

yanbu, but do try to reach out to him and arrange to see him next time he's visiting.

Dazzledrop · 08/09/2021 22:58

Do find it slightly odd that you are upset that your sibling who you aren’t close with and who you haven’t invited to meet your baby, hasn’t met your baby? I’m close with my sibling so would naturally meet the baby very early on but if I didn’t have a close relationship with somebody I would wait fo be asked and wouldn’t be particularly bothered if I hadn’t met a baby when it was newborn. Why not just ask?

WorraLiberty · 08/09/2021 22:59

I think I just feel sad that our bond isn't stronger and I realise that I am 50% of the issue.

You are definitely 50% of the issue.

As you're the one who wants him to meet your baby, phone him and ask him when he'll be home next and arrange a meet-up then.

noirdreams · 08/09/2021 23:39

My brother hasn't met my dd or ds (dd 3 years and ds 4 months ) I've met his dd (4) handful of times but not his ds (2) because I gave up when he obviously didn't want a relationship when my dd was born.

We live in different cities. And the relationship has gone from 100 to 0 since he moved out into his new home with his wife.
Sad

Merryoldgoat · 08/09/2021 23:45

I wouldn’t care tbh. I don’t expect anyone to be especially interested in my children other than me and my husband.

user7012893145776 · 08/09/2021 23:55

Dd is 2.5, my brother has never met her.

HeddaGarbled · 08/09/2021 23:57

New mum’s can be weird about people “meeting” their babies. You can’t really meet a baby: you just look at it and iterate some cliche to please the parents (he’s got his dad’s hair, fine pair of lungs etc).

What I find really strange is that if your brother who lived away was visiting locally, you wouldn’t want to see him yourself. If you were at all interested in seeing your brother, you’d have the sort of relationship where he’d want to see you and your baby.

You don’t. Do you want to change that? If you do, arrange to meet him. For him and you to catch up, not just for a baby viewing.

ColorMagicBarbie · 08/09/2021 23:57

Ah come on!

Hand on heart most of us would be a bit offended if our own siblings didn’t bother to come and meet our brand new baby!

Agreed.

Babies are pretty boring really but I'd always make the effort to see a new niece or nephew.

Bakewellisntjustacake · 09/09/2021 00:08

We don't offer to meet family children either as most of the time the parents want 'time to be a bubble and bond with the baby' so there's no point asking when the baby is born, we just wait till the parents ask when we need going to meet them. Stops us feeling awkward when we're turned down

MorriseysGladioli · 09/09/2021 01:19

Just ask him round for dinner or something?
I wouldn't be at all keen on meeting a baby, whoever it belonged to.

MimiDaisy11 · 09/09/2021 01:28

It does seem in keeping with your relationship and if that were to improve your brother would see your children more.

I do agree with the others who say that responses on MN are sometimes strange on issues like this and for some it’s apparently standard that immediate family shouldn’t be anymore interested in your life than strangers on the street.

Original poster
clouds56 · 09/09/2021 08:49

@LimeRedBanana

Like PPs said, some people aren’t ‘baby people’

It’s not about being a ‘baby person’, surely.

It’s about being there for a family member after a major life event.

I don’t really understand how some families work, TBH. I don’t recognise a lot of what I see described on MN. People seem so distant, and as if they really don’t like each other.

100% with you on this one. I don't understand my own family dynamic and I'm part of it. I can't get my head around not being close enough to want to meet your niece or nephew no matter how often you see each other or speak. But I think that's the thing I need to get my head around it and try not to take it personally that what I would do if the shoe was on the other foot isn't necessarily what he would do.

I get what others are saying about me reaching out to him and I was thinking about it last night I think the reason I haven't yet is a mixture of stubbornness in me and also fear of rejection. What if I invited him and he says he's busy and can't come? Then I will feel even more annoyed and then I don't know what to do with my anger and frustration so I feel like I go into a ball and protect myself. I think really what I need to do is just accept it for what it is and concentrate on the people who do care, but it's a hard pill to swallow.

I feel like over the years it's always been me to make an effort and I haven't had much or anything in return so I've retreated. He didn't even wish me a happy birthday last year which really hurt. I have always bought him bday and Christmas presents and never had any in return (I realise it isn't all about presents but just giving this as an example.)
He is my half brother (same Dad) I'm not sure if this makes a difference? But I've always referred to him as my brother. We were close growing up and spent every weekend and holidays together, he is 3 years younger than me. We have a sister too and they are close, he buys her Xmas and bday presents they spend time together etc. I think it just hurts. Reading this back it sounds like he maybe wants little or nothing to do with me and if I was a stranger reading this I would think there must be more to it and I must have done something or behave in a certain way that would make me not a nice person to be around but I can't for the life of me think what it is I have done.

Sorry for the epic ramble I just find it therapeutic to write thoughts and feelings out. I also find it comforting a few of you have had similar experiences. Thanks for all your thoughts.

OP posts:
Original poster
clouds56 · 09/09/2021 08:50

@toomuchlaundry

If you are not that close, or see each other regularly then that probably explains why he hasn't bothered to come to see you. I am not close to DB and he hasn't met DC and they are teens! Can't remember when BIL first met them, but would likely be months old not days/weeks. He is close to DH (not close geographically though) but not into children, especially babies.
Wow that is a long time!! Does your DB live far away? Does it bother you that you aren't close?
OP posts:
Original poster
clouds56 · 09/09/2021 08:52

@noirdreams

My brother hasn't met my dd or ds (dd 3 years and ds 4 months ) I've met his dd (4) handful of times but not his ds (2) because I gave up when he obviously didn't want a relationship when my dd was born.

We live in different cities. And the relationship has gone from 100 to 0 since he moved out into his new home with his wife.
Sad

That's so sad Sad
OP posts:
Original poster
clouds56 · 09/09/2021 08:53

@user7012893145776

Dd is 2.5, my brother has never met her.
Is there a reason for this?
OP posts:
Blueskyrainshowers · 09/09/2021 08:57

@WellLarDeDar

I think you should at least invite him before getting offended by it. He might not want to impose or be trying to give you space. Imo the onus it on the parents to invite people to meet their baby, not for everyone else to invite themselves.
Yes, I thought that too
LukeEvansWife · 09/09/2021 08:57

New mum’s can be weird about people “meeting” their babies. You can’t really meet a baby: you just look at it and iterate some cliche to please the parents (he’s got his dad’s hair, fine pair of lungs etc).

I have been trying to articulate this for ages.

Original poster
clouds56 · 09/09/2021 08:58

Ok so I'm going to put my big girl pants on and message him and ask if he'd like to meet when he's next home (won't mention baby).... see how it goes.

OP posts:
LukeEvansWife · 09/09/2021 08:59

From your update, he doesn’t want a relationship with you or your children. That’s disappointing for you but Concentrate on the people who do, they are the ones who will have great relationships with your DC as they get older

Blueskyrainshowers · 09/09/2021 09:01

@clouds56

Ok so I'm going to put my big girl pants on and message him and ask if he'd like to meet when he's next home (won't mention baby).... see how it goes.
Good luck OP!
BrisbaneandGone · 09/09/2021 09:03

I haven't met my sister's 8 month old, we're not that close and I'm not a fan of kids - it's just not that important to me

takehomepay · 09/09/2021 09:05

I have always bought him bday and Christmas presents and never had any in return (I realise it isn't all about presents but just giving this as an example.)

We have a sister too and they are close, he buys her Xmas and bday presents they spend time together etc. I think it just hurts.

As I read your OP, I just knew you were buying him birthday and Christmas presents and he wasn’t getting you anything.

OP, he is treating you differently to your sibling and therefore a prize twat and not worth your time.

Seriously, stop buying him ANY presents. There will be no presents for you or for your baby on birthdays or Christmas and and I bet part of the reason he hasn’t visited is he doesn’t want to get your baby a gift.

Darbs76 · 09/09/2021 09:06

Ask him to meet up when he’s next back, just say it would be great for you to meet the little one. Maybe you can become closer but it will take both of you to make that effort