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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Brother not met niece yet

94 replies

clouds56 · 08/09/2021 22:16

I had my DD2 in April (she's almost 5 months old) and my brother still hasn't met her yet.
He lives away from our hometown but has been home a handful of times since she has been born but hasn't asked to meet her. The more time that is passing the more annoyed I feel about it. He has congratulated me since her birth and that is really the only communication we have had. Would you be annoyed or am I being unreasonable to feel this way? Should I be making the effort and ask him if he would like to meet her? He's home in a few weeks for a week and I'm actually getting anxious that if he doesn't ask to meet her in the time he is back I will feel really hurt and angry with him and will feel the need to say something..

OP posts:

user7012893145776 · 09/09/2021 10:21

@clouds56 yes, the reason is he's a cunt.

mummypie17 · 09/09/2021 11:06

I think it depends on how close you are. My brother met my son in the hospital (a day after I gave birth) and is a doting uncle. You can invite him and see what he says. If he doesn't want to meet up after an invitation, then it's his lost.

Original poster

clouds56 · 09/09/2021 11:53

@LukeEvansWife

From your update, he doesn’t want a relationship with you or your children. That’s disappointing for you but Concentrate on the people who do, they are the ones who will have great relationships with your DC as they get older

I think you're right. I just find it sad, I do want a relationship with him but I don't want to force someone to be in life if they don't want to be. I think it's something I need to process and then move on from.

Still haven't sent the message to him yet. Mulling over it.

Why are families so difficult? I am in my late twenties now and I find as each year goes by I find them more and more complicated!

OP posts:

araiwa · 09/09/2021 11:56

He knows you're a mumsnetter and that it's rude to visit a newborn until formally invited

Original poster

clouds56 · 09/09/2021 11:57

@takehomepay

I have always bought him bday and Christmas presents and never had any in return (I realise it isn't all about presents but just giving this as an example.)

We have a sister too and they are close, he buys her Xmas and bday presents they spend time together etc. I think it just hurts.

As I read your OP, I just knew you were buying him birthday and Christmas presents and he wasn’t getting you anything.

OP, he is treating you differently to your sibling and therefore a prize twat and not worth your time.

Seriously, stop buying him ANY presents. There will be no presents for you or for your baby on birthdays or Christmas and and I bet part of the reason he hasn’t visited is he doesn’t want to get your baby a gift.

I have decided this Christmas I won't be buying any of my Dad's side of the family presents (that being my step mum, DB and DS) my DSM did say to me last year not to bother with presents this year because they hadn't got me anything but it was 3 days before Xmas and too late!!! They had also all bought each other things which annoyed me! I just feel like I'm the black sheep of their family

OP posts:

Original poster

clouds56 · 09/09/2021 11:59

@araiwa

He knows you're a mumsnetter and that it's rude to visit a newborn until formally invited

Haha!! I am a mumsnetter but wasn't aware of this rule

maybe he's a mumsnetter too!

OP posts:

Katisha · 09/09/2021 12:04

@HeddaGarbled Yes I feel the same about the "meeting" of babies.

elenacampana · 09/09/2021 12:07

I don’t think you’re being unreasonable OP! No, babies aren’t very interesting or fascinating to most people, but I’ve personally always been very interested in my niece and nephew and have made an effort to see them no matter the age of them.

It’s probably down to the relationship you have with your brother. If you aren’t close, he likely doesn’t feel the pull towards you and your child. That aside, I’d have expected him to have made the effort to appear by now.

LukeEvansWife · 09/09/2021 12:09

If you say he hasn’t bothered with your older child, then it’s more that he’s not interested rather than feeling it impolite for ask. I know it’s hurtful but he clearly doesn’t want a relationship with you or your DC.

SafferUpNorth · 09/09/2021 12:18

Have you invited him? Messaged him to say something like "Next time you're in town, it would be lovely if you came round. Just let me know." Maybe he just assumes you don't want to be inundated with visiting family members.

LukeEvansWife · 09/09/2021 12:19

Did you see the bit above about him not getting involved in her older child and not making the effort in any way? I think this goes beyond politeness

Wingedharpy · 09/09/2021 12:23

Do you have contact with your sister?
Could you suggest a meet up with the 3 of you, if you do?
The more you post, the clearer the situation seems.
Have you still got your Mum?

InaccurateDream · 09/09/2021 12:29

Sympathies OP. My brother lives far away and we went to see him shortly after the birth of his two children, but he won't come to see mine. He didn't meet my daughter until she was 10months and we both happened to be at our parents house on the same day. He's nice enough in person but just won't put money or effort into seeing me. I'm now trying to not care because otherwise it would bother me!

LukeEvansWife · 09/09/2021 12:30

He is very uninvolved with op and other child so, in order to come to terms with it, perhaps she should step away. If he agrees to meet up, it doesn’t sound like he would be doing it oit if any level of interest, just duty.

Malin52 · 09/09/2021 12:31

I haven't met two of my nephews. At least I think they are they both boys. I have no idea how old they are. Maybe one is 2? The other might be 5 or so.
Not bothered, don't like kids. Not that close to family either emotionally or physically.
They've never been available when we've visited other family so (shrug)

RandomMess · 09/09/2021 12:32

This probably stems from years ago, your SM promotes the family unit as being the 4 of them.

Are you close to your Dad?

Horst · 09/09/2021 12:38

I don’t think my brother met my younger two untill they where a year old maybe more. Can’t say I cared or noticed really.

He isn’t into babies/children, has no intention of having any himself and we have the type of relationship where we meet up because we have bumped into each other are both at our parents house. Two very different people living very different lives. No hate or anything just his in his world and I’m in mine.

Tbh I can’t get worked up about other peoples babies either like yup cool congratulations but they all look like potatoes anyway.

BlibBlabBlob · 09/09/2021 12:42

Eh, I haven't met my nephew (brother's son) yet and he turned 2 a few months ago. Presumably this makes me a terrible person. But we're not super close anyway, he lives hundreds of miles away, we've had a pandemic which didn't permit travel or meeting socially, we can't easily travel long distances for various reasons (all three of us have disabilities and we have pets who are very difficult to leave).

He travelled up and 'met' DD within a few weeks of her birth, but he was coming up anyway for Christmas to see our parents and was single and childless and pet-free and could travel easily.

We always send gifts for DN at Christmas and birthday, as does he for DD.

It all depends on circumstances, surely. And mostly on whether the sibling relationship is close in the first place. Why should the arrival of a baby kickstart much more frequent contact? Surely you're either close, or you're not?

Daphnise · 09/09/2021 12:43

Not sure why you expect him to have much interest in seeing a baby who really can't do much?

It's not really as important as you seem to have convinced yourself, surely?

takehomepay · 09/09/2021 12:50

Sorry about that Op It sounds like step-mother and son are alike in their attitude and they don’t see you as family. I think stopping the presents is the right call and leave the ball in their court.

It’s totally their loss, you sound lovely. Congratulations on your lovely dd.

Pedalpushers · 09/09/2021 12:51

@HeddaGarbled has summed up how I feel - you don't really 'meet' a baby. You might as well just see a picture of them for all the interaction it involves.

It sounds like you aren't that close and he's probably not interested in babies - yanbu to feel a bit upset about that but I think it's more about your relationship with your DB in general than specifically the baby.

RealBecca · 09/09/2021 13:03

Yabu.

Hes shown the level of involvement he wants so why push it? Your daughter doesnt care.

Snoken · 09/09/2021 13:08

OP I think your answer is in one of your latest posts about the step mother and Christmas. Presumably your brother and sister are full siblings and you are half sister from their dad's side. I would guess that's why they are closer, they grew up together full time whereas you had two families you moved between. Are they perhaps also closer in age? It doesn't make it right to do what he has done to you, but it could well be the explanation. It's always tricky when you blend families and you have step and half family members.

OrangeElk · 09/09/2021 13:09

Crikey, surely the attitude on here isn't normal in the real world?

You don't really meet babies because they are interesting in themselves, it's about interest in the people you care about, and their lives!

Growing up my aunts and uncles were not interested in my sister and I, and I didn't know any different at the time but looking back I do think it's sad that the only people to love us were our parents. It's not how things should be.

If my sister had a baby I would be all over it, ffs I was pretty invested in her puppy! We agreed as youngsters we would be involved aunts.

So strange to decide the baby itself will be boring, that's really not the point.

LukeEvansWife · 09/09/2021 13:10

But the brother isn’t interested in the OP and hasn’t shown interest in her older child. So I’m this case there is no reason why he would suddenly show interest in them as a family.

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