19 year old daughter not speaking to me because of boyfriend situation

[StewPots]

My daughter is 19 and still living at home - not an issue - but has stopped speaking to me. Basically it’s because of her 20 yr old boyfriend, and my partner.

For context - my daughter has been with her bf for a year and a half, he lived with his mum and stepdad ( very tense relationship there ) but stayed here with her 3/4 nights a week. So far so good.

But then around two months ago, she split from him - he’d been in live porn sites, dating sites etc but my daughter says he never spoke to anyone, just had a pic up in the dating site. Anyway - big drama where my daughter and I packed all the bf stuff and my partner drove my daughter to bf parents house to drop it off etc. We were both very supportive towards her and helped her through it. However, 3 weeks later, she got back with him. Ok… I wasn’t keen on having him in the house as the dynamic changed for me, but I relented and he came back here and there.

Then he had a huge falling out with his stepdad - it got physical and from what I gathered the stepdad is a controlling abusive idiot - but we let the bf stay on the condition it being short term as in a week or two. 6 weeks later, he’s still here, has contributed £200 in that time, despite earning fair money in a full time job. My partner at this point has got fed up and asked could the bf go stay at his dads or something 2/3 times a week. To be clear, I agree as I don’t want another adult in the house, but at the same time I can’t see someone on the streets.

So yesterday I said to DD that it was time bf went elsewhere for a few nights a week - that he was still welcome here 3/4 nights like before, but my partner in particular was tired of this short term arrangement. It’s been a major source of tension the last few weeks especially, where patience has ran out. DD and bf do nothing to help in the house - I have a long term health condition which forced me to give up work late last year, and I’m still raising a 7 yr old DS. I’ve had awful relationships in the past but current partner is a decent man who has no issues with either of my kids, even taking DD out for driving lessons.

But now it’s escalated where my DD has threatened to move out, thinks my partner is playing “man of the house’ making rules ( he pays all our rent btw and supports me financially whereas daughter has only been paying £100 pcm ) and basically won’t speak to me because I’ve “taken his side not hers”. The bf apparently can’t go to his dads because there’s no room he’d have to stay on sofa and it’s two towns across from work. Yet my partner travels to work 4 towns away everyday and bf drives so…

I’ve been stuck between my partner and my daughter for weeks now, negotiating and allowing the time to be extended regarding bf, but they have both just moved in downstairs full time with no consultation and no reasonable rent offering. My partner says it’s not money per se that’s the issue here but it’s the fact of having another adult forced into the house when actually that’s not what we want. The stress is making me ill and I lost my dad a month ago yet haven’t had time to process any of it because of all this drama between DD and her bf. Help please!

It should also be added daughter also works full time and her bf and her earn a lot more than either me or my partner. It’s causing issues between my partner and I as well obviously because he doesn’t want to lose me but he doesn’t want to come between me and DD either. So I don’t know what to do on any of it - my daughter is now accusing my partner of being controlling ( he isn’t ) and has told me not to speak or message her. She has anxiety so I worry she will get worse if I don’t let her get her own way on this. But if I do, then my partner will feel I don’t value him or his opinion and will move out, meaning we will split up. So either way I lose out!

If the bf is working full time he should move out and rent. If he is unable to afford a flat he can move into shared accommodation.

If they’re both working, let her move out. She’s been an entitled little madam, and I say that as someone who’s dd did something similar at around the same age. Next time she threatens suggest that you help her look at flats, but stick firm on bf moves out.

Note that 4 years on dd and I have a great relationship and she’s apologised for being awful

I also think you should tell him to get himself sorted with a studio flat or flatshare.

Your DD can visit him but isn't 'tied' to the knobhead that way.

Omg. Please, for your sake get them out of the nest. They are working, at 19 they could find shared accommodation with people their own age, rent a room together and start making the steps to fully fledged adulthood. What do they want to be hanging around with parents and 7yo for?

She's not behaving well is she? She can't dictate that you just have another adult in the house, whicj is against your wishes... Esp as they do little to help, physically or financially.

With their income, they should be able to afford their own flat....

It may make your daughter realise how awful thr BF is.

Thank you all, for what it’s worth I agree with you all and my partner’s view. My DD sees it as he’s not bothering anyone but the strain of having another adult in the house and then the tension because my partner isn’t keen on bf anymore has become too much. We have been nothing but kind, patient and generous for the last 6 weeks - and have said bf still welcome here as stated despite that. But I’m being made out to look like someone who has chosen a man over her child which has torn me up the last 24hrs. I did try and find a middle ground but that just made everything worse - I just feel like now I’ve lost my daughter and she won’t let me forget this. She’s said she doesn’t want to be here now in the house either because it’s not a welcoming place anymore.

I found a house share for bf but apparently that’s a no because he “doesn’t want to live with people he doesn’t know”. DD also told me to return the !100 rent he’d given me over the weekend as I was kicking him out to sleep in his car :(

I also worry because of her anxiety she will do something silly - she’s apparently done something similar before. Yet her being here isn’t an issue - partner has said he’d not even be bothered if she was here another 5-10 years, it’s the bf that’s the problem. But because partner put his foot down yesterday on this, it’s all escalated. No one can see anyone else’s point of view and I’ve spent time I should have had grieving my dad ( couldn’t attend funeral had to watch online ) referring this situation and easing tensions in the house

I don’t get why your daughter and her bf don’t just move out and get their own place? They are 19 and 20. Ideally the bf would get the lease and all bills etc in his name so that your daughter isn’t liable for anything when they inevitably break up again further down the line.

She's 19 and wants to play a big adult but can't behave like one? It's time for her to move out. Don't be bullied in your home. She sounds very entitled to think her bf has equal rights as your partner. Time for some tough love here, they are fully taking advantage of you here.

I take it there has been no direct conversation between yourselves and the BF? He's a CF and people like that tend to rely on no one actually confronting them. So the first thing I would do is sit DD and BF down and set the rules. This wasn't a long term agreement, they are not paying their way or contributing to the chores. Even if that were the case , you have a young child in the house and don't want another person living there full time. BF is welcome X number of days per week, but that's it. If they don't like it they can move our. End of. Make sure you have a u ited front as your DD is trying to divide and conquer and stay firm. I'd hate to have another adult living with us and wouldn't put up with it.

Time for her to leave. I left home at 18 in very similar circumstances. It was the best thing all round.

She doesn't seem that anxious to me OP, certainly seems to feel confident enough to manipulate you and throw her weight about to get what she wants. Just make it clear to her she has a home regardless, bit her BF needs to find somewhere else.

Your DD has clearly outgrown her childhood home. It sounds as if she is ready to fly the nest.

If they both work full-time earning more than you do then why on earth can't they rent their own place?!

This is not simply a BF problem, but a daughter problem. You have raised an entitled Miss, who at 19 thinks that it is okay for you to support her and her BF at your expense. Tell them both to get to fuck and keep the cash. They can both move out.

Tell her, your partner isn't "playing man of the house" he's the one paying the rent, also does she know he supports you financially? If you were to use her words, he is the "man of the house", except it's not a game, she's an adult now & needs to act like one.

Thanks everyone. I agree - part of me was agreeing with DD purely because I didn’t want all this to happen but actually I agree with my partner. And no neither of them would speak with my partner face to face because of their anxiety and apparently he’s a miserable controlling abusive man now. Which he isn’t - DD should know better than throwing that around because she knows I was in an abusive controlling relationship with her dad for ten years.

She blames me for a lot of her issues and I’m not a perfect parent by any means but I’ve always done my best to raise her single handed for most of her life, worked extra hours to pay for maths tutors etc, home cooked meals… also their room is a permanent tip all the time and we have to go through it to get to the garden and I’m fed up of that as well. But she will make out now that I’m the bad Edson who chose a man over her.

Thing is my printer is an excellent stepdad to my son - his dad lives int he next county so having that reliable male presence is good for him. Plus I don’t want to lose the man I love who is prepared to take care of me and loves me despite my illness restricting what we can do etc.

Next time they're both in the house, call a family meeting and speak directly to them both.

Lie convincingly and say that you are very fond of him but that they must both remember that this was only ever meant to be a short term arrangement. You enjoy having him over to visit, but he needs a plan for a permanent home. Agree a fair rent in the meantime, and the day he pays it, and agree a date by when he will move out.

This is your opportunity to respond to all of his protestations, and you and your dp need to show a united front.

When he says he can't afford it, refer to a house share.

When he says he doesn't want to live with strangers, remind him that students his age are doing exactly that as they head off to Uni this month.

Any more arguing, keep reminding him of his three options - go home, rent, house share. You are no longer an option. Be consistent and do not back down.

Underpin it all with - you are welcome to visit any time, we really care about you, dd of course can live here as long as she wants.

I'm sure they'll complain but it's not unreasonable is it, and they'll know this really.

In the kindest way, you sound like you've been a bit weak up to now. I don't think you should have blamed dp when you first mentioned him moving out. Is she used to getting her own way with you?

And yes between them they must earn over £2000 a month plus… DD has only ever given me £100 because she has to pay for driving lessons, braces etc. I admit I’ve given her a fair ride and overcompensated because of her dad I think, but also because I had to get rid of her stepdad and DS father because he was a cheating rat :(

If they don't like it they can find their own place. They'll soon get a reality check on the cost of living! I cannot believe they earn more than you, pay you nearly nothing towards rent and do nothing. Both should move out.

I’m just overwhelmed because I fully expected to come here and be told I was a selfish bitch choosing a man over my DD… like he says we’ve been put in a position we shouldn’t have been in the first place. Yesterday DD said she wanted the bottom part of the house for her and bf to live in and she’d pay for the bottom bathroom to be fixed so they didn’t make noise coming to the top for the bathroom up there. She’s made me feel awful when partner said no fecking way… my mate agrees with her :(

Well cross posted with you op.

"And no neither of them would speak with my partner face to face because of their anxiety"

Do they have medically diagnosed anxiety or just a bit anxious about confrontation?

Either way, if they live in the same house as dp, they can't really avoid a conversation can they?

The bf needs to move out and if your DD wants to go with him then she can to, she's 19 nothing stopping her. They are both taking the piss. 3 or 4 nights a week is more than generous.

Just to also add - apologies for drip feeding! This year has been awful for me - my health condition has been awful to stabilise but I also went through cancer tests. All clear thankfully but I’ve had that to deal with then my dad died straight after so it’s not been a good time