19 year old daughter not speaking to me because of boyfriend situation

[StewPots]

My daughter is 19 and still living at home - not an issue - but has stopped speaking to me. Basically it’s because of her 20 yr old boyfriend, and my partner.

For context - my daughter has been with her bf for a year and a half, he lived with his mum and stepdad ( very tense relationship there ) but stayed here with her 3/4 nights a week. So far so good.

But then around two months ago, she split from him - he’d been in live porn sites, dating sites etc but my daughter says he never spoke to anyone, just had a pic up in the dating site. Anyway - big drama where my daughter and I packed all the bf stuff and my partner drove my daughter to bf parents house to drop it off etc. We were both very supportive towards her and helped her through it. However, 3 weeks later, she got back with him. Ok… I wasn’t keen on having him in the house as the dynamic changed for me, but I relented and he came back here and there.

Then he had a huge falling out with his stepdad - it got physical and from what I gathered the stepdad is a controlling abusive idiot - but we let the bf stay on the condition it being short term as in a week or two. 6 weeks later, he’s still here, has contributed £200 in that time, despite earning fair money in a full time job. My partner at this point has got fed up and asked could the bf go stay at his dads or something 2/3 times a week. To be clear, I agree as I don’t want another adult in the house, but at the same time I can’t see someone on the streets.

So yesterday I said to DD that it was time bf went elsewhere for a few nights a week - that he was still welcome here 3/4 nights like before, but my partner in particular was tired of this short term arrangement. It’s been a major source of tension the last few weeks especially, where patience has ran out. DD and bf do nothing to help in the house - I have a long term health condition which forced me to give up work late last year, and I’m still raising a 7 yr old DS. I’ve had awful relationships in the past but current partner is a decent man who has no issues with either of my kids, even taking DD out for driving lessons.

But now it’s escalated where my DD has threatened to move out, thinks my partner is playing “man of the house’ making rules ( he pays all our rent btw and supports me financially whereas daughter has only been paying £100 pcm ) and basically won’t speak to me because I’ve “taken his side not hers”. The bf apparently can’t go to his dads because there’s no room he’d have to stay on sofa and it’s two towns across from work. Yet my partner travels to work 4 towns away everyday and bf drives so…

I’ve been stuck between my partner and my daughter for weeks now, negotiating and allowing the time to be extended regarding bf, but they have both just moved in downstairs full time with no consultation and no reasonable rent offering. My partner says it’s not money per se that’s the issue here but it’s the fact of having another adult forced into the house when actually that’s not what we want. The stress is making me ill and I lost my dad a month ago yet haven’t had time to process any of it because of all this drama between DD and her bf. Help please!

Be calm, you are doing the right thing. It feels awful when DC get angry but sometimes we are doing these things for their own good. She and her BF need that pressure to get them off and started in their adult lives. You are completely right. They are earning and it's time to move out if they want to live as a couple.

They both seem anxious about it - sounds like there have been upheavals and family difficulties throughout their lives - so it seems they are really struggling with the thought of establishing themselves. I would be firm but compassionate. Once they take the plunge they will enjoy the freedom of adulthood. Maybe offer to help looking round places, setting them up, try to d

Oops pressed too soon. Try to do what you can. To frame it as a positive, exciting thing for them. Do they have any friends that live independently ?

@YouJustFoldItIn he moved into here so my family home of 12 years. We’ve been together 2 years. From the start he’s been paying the full rent, and helps financially with other things as well because I’m not well. I’m frequently in hospital too so he has DS until my mum can get here.

I don’t want DD to feel pushed out but a reasonable request has been blown out of proportion because neither of them would do as asked. They just expected to go on forever paying us pittance, the room am absolute tip, not contributing to chores etc… it’s been pissing me off too as much as DP but I approached it wrongly yesterday.

Thing is when I was 18 I was living with DD dad and raising her and running a house plus working! So yes this is all ridiculous :(

When your daughter comes up with accusation that you are favouring your partner over her, point out that (a) you're actually favouring yourself and your wellbeing over her boyfriend and (b) she is favouring her boyfriend over you.

YANBU op, tour DD & her BF are taking the piss & trying to guilt trip you.
If they won't attend a family meeting, knock on their door & say what you have to say, if they get arsey or aggressive ask them to leave the house.
State that you love them both, it was supposed to be a temporary arrangement, BF is welcome to stay 3/4 nights a week but he needs to find permanent accommodation.
When DD argues or blames your DP tell her that YOU are not happy with the situation, this is not coming from dp alone, you never agreed for this to be a permanent solution to BF housing issue. Explain that neither you or dp will put up with being ignored or labelled controlling when you are putting a roof over their heads. Give BF 4 weeks notice, when DD kicks off reiterate that you love her, will always support her & she will always have a home with you but df will have to leave in four weeks. Don't get into a conversation about rent, just add in that you can't afford to house 4 adults and a child.
Tough love is needed here, she may fall out with you for a while but she'll be back, good luck ❤️

@Mumoblue yep that’s the size of it, and I feel a complete mug but I was just trying to be kind and helpful because they both work full time. But DS has been away at grandparents and is back now, so it’s another dynamic change to the house and more strain on it. 4 adults and a child in a 3 bed house basically

I don't think you approached it wrongly. Your daughter needs to understand - your partner is paying 100% of the rent and you and your partner are massively subsidising her to live with you. You and your partner are fine with that (I wouldn't be, not unless she was massively helpful around the house in recognition of your help and illness). Her boyfriend was offered a temporary stay and it's over. Regardless of the fact that he too paid a pittance and didn't help out with anything around the house at all - you and your partner have no intention of having another adult living in the house full time. So he needs to go now - like say a week's time. Then be firm about it. If she strops let her. If she says she's leaving let her, she will at some point in her life. If you're not strong now you'll be taken for granted and abused for ever.

Don't do any washing, cooking , cleaning for them. It may feel
Kind and helpful but it's not helping them become independent adults.

Your dd and her bf need to move out and move out soon. I let my dd1 run rings around me because I felt I had to make up for her having a baby at 15. I facilitated everything, taking her to college, her baby to nursery, babysitting which turned out to be full time within months. I tried to put my foot down and she called it abuse. She was a terrible drunk and our lives were miserable. When she moved out, the whole atmosphere changed but she left her son with me.

The situation cannot improve because it is toxic. I can see you repeating the mistakes I made, you are trying to appease everyone and putting your own needs - grieving and your health - on the backburner. I did all of this and I realised eventually that the more I did, the less I was thought of.

Your partner sounds kind and patient. I know people will say you must always put your child before your bf, but here you have to consider your younger child, your partner and yourself.

Turf them both out - if they're both earning more than you and your DP, why are they expecting subsidy?

Well, perhaps not turf, but suggest they start looking for their own place where, as two adults, they can make their own house rules, do their own thing and get out from under all outgrown parental and step-parental influence. If she gripes about the cost, be very clear about the existing income gap and ask her in what world it would be fair for a couple with a primary age child to cover many of the costs of a childless couple on higher incomes.

It's time!

Expectations of rent and behaviour should have been decided before bf moved in. I think the hysterectomy could be your god send as a way of setting a date to move out by as you will need the peace and quiet downstairs to recuperate in.

Be firm and united with dp. Don’t let them get away with avoiding discussions-wait til they’re settled in and go and sit down together. Don’t emphasise that you’re “fond of the las”- he’s treated your daughter appallingly and showing your disapproval of his behaviour may give her something to hold onto when he repeats his behaviour and she wonders if she might deserve a bit better.

If she is not happy with the current arrangement, and it’s your house your rules then she can leave

Sit her down, explain your thoughts, that they are not your partners but yours, that it’s difficult with another adult in the house, that you can’t afford him to stay there and if they want to live together full time then they should look for their own place. In the meantime he has to find somewhere else to stay

Since your partner pays all the rent, I'd be asking your daughter and her bf if they plan to pay the rent when he moves out?

They clearly just want to live on easy street. Give the bf notice and if she goes as well, then let her go. I'm sure she'll come crawling back when she realizes how good she has it.

@fourminutestosavetheworld

I think they probably both know in their hearts that you are right.

But perhaps he can't afford a place on his own, and she isn't quite ready to move in with him. They just don't know what to do, don't like any of the options, but do like the status quo. They are just railing against you for pointing out that it can't continue because they don't want to face it. You'll just have to stand firm while realisation dawns and they accept it.

This. I reckon. They like the status quo - and who wouldn't, dirt cheap living expenses and food and laundry being provided. You do need to find a way to assert what you want. Which is your home back, for the exclusive use of your family. You aren't well and need some time and peace. The bf has exploited you. You offered a respite and now the pair of them are taking the piss frankly. Your DD is behaving like she has control here, when ready she doesn't. But you have to be willing to be firm here. Think about what you really want here. Do you want him to move out or could you find a way to house share if they weren't such lazy chancers? Either way, if you decide to set a time for him to vacate, say in the meantime they need to pay a market rent price for their accomodation, buy and cook their own food and do their own laundry. Shared spaces and their room must be kept tidy. Some much stricter house rules might make them shape up or move out.

Well, that’s just absolutely bonkers that they’re treating you so badly while still paying so little towards bills AND expecting you to be their maid.

At your daughters age she should be doing her own laundry anyway and sorting her own dinner out unless it fits in with what you’re making anyway.
If I were you I’d stop picking up after them. Yes, they work full time, but they’ll be doing that when they move out too- and they need to be able to take care of themselves.

It does suck that you’ll probably have to be the Big Bad Mum for a while but it seems like your daughter is really used to pushing her luck, and it’s best to break the habit as soon as possible.

You have nothing to feel guilty about.
2 young adults having a free ride at you and your partners expense!
The bf has to move out. He is not your responsibility. He has a job and plenty of money.
If your daughter wants to move out she can. But if she does stay she has to pay you more in rent.
She will slag you off and call you a bad Mum, but honestly, putting proper boundaries and asking her to contribute proportionally is the best you as a Mum can do for her. She wont like it, but it is what is best for her, you and your whole family.

@StewPots

It is heartening to read of those who have been through similar and come out the other side. In many respects my DD is mature but in others she is massively the opposite and you’re right - she does need to grow up. Any advice on how to address this today ( bf is sleeping elsewhere, not sure where, maybe his mums, dads or car! ) would be greatly appreciated. I just feel so awkward in my own home and I genuinely have medically diagnosed extreme anxiety disorder as well as this health condition. I’m also having a full hysterectomy soon so I don’t need the extra stress right now

Dont pussy foot around

'DD I love you but I think its best if you and BF move out and find your own place, I will help you set it up if you need it'

Dont fill it up with reasons, excuses, apologies. Just be clear and OP you have to be strong on it.

If she starts blowing up. End the conversation and move away. Then rinse and repeat.

I think their is clearly more going on for your DD than just the issues with her BF. You have already said both her father and your other DC father had to leave. You not have a partner who you say you have been with for 2 yrs and seems he moved in quick and is contributing a lot towards the home. That home wa your DC safe place, so i do think its likely you moved the bloke in quick. Now your DP who moved into 'your' home is leading the charge on decisions. Not saying her BF being at your home is right but i do wonder if you were making the decision yourself whether you would be trying to chuck him out.

"Threatening" to move out? She's 19 and about the right age. She may be anxious about moving out but you don't have to be. Living independently is a very sensible idea. Since the young people's relationship is so up and down, advise her not to move in with her boyfriend but either rent her own place or find a room in a shared house with other young women. (It's up to her whether she takes that advice or not) You are not throwing hr out, tell her that if it doesn't work out she is welcome to come home again (though if she does come home again you will have to set new boundaries so that she sorts out her own housework and contributes to household chores and finances)

And her boyfriend either needs to act like a tenant in your house, contributing a regular amount to rent and bills in your house, speaking politely to you and DP, and keeping domestic disagreements with your DD private, or he needs to find somewhere else to live.

Two young adults who can both work fulltime are both capable of finding their own places to live and managing their own housework and food. Treating your DD as if she is still a dependent child isn't helping her overcome her issues.

I also think you have to be strong here. They are taking the piss. Of course they don’t want things to change as they are freeloading. I would stop doing any chores for them at all. They need to buy their own food. And he has to move out.

Casting doubt on the OP's relationship with her partner is a red herring and irrelevant. OP says it's good and even if it were not there is no altruism to the DD's behaviour. The issue here is the DD & BF.

They're young adults and both employed. Agree with others who say tell them it's time to fly the nest. I'd also be thinking I wouldn't want the 7yr old DS in a house where porn is being streamed in a downstairs room he has to get through to get to the garden. Am cynical the BF isn't going back there.

I think you are making a mistake in framing this as you being in between your partner and daughter. As I understand it, YOU want the BF out as much as your partner does, but it seems somehow your daughter is reading it that it's your partners fault and you have no view of your own but are taking his side . This isn't a situation that should continue as the narrative will then be that you put your partner before your daughter. I think you need to have a discussion with your daughter where you are very clear what YOU will accept in terms of how often her partner stays, then stick to it. If they're upset then too bad, YANBU and in time if your daughter has sense she will see this.

She's 19 and he's 20 - time for them both to move out and then they might just might realise how cushy they have had it while you were putting both of them up.
It doesn't matter how much your DP was contributing, it matters that they were not.
Time for them both to go but I'd let the DD know that she is welcome back (without her boyfriend) if she wants to. He doesn't sound like a find upstanding member of society (from the posts I've read here).

He works full time so can afford something somewhere.

Both your daughter & him should be ashamed of themselves for thinking that anyone else should house him.

He needs to move out ASAP & daughter can go with hom or not as she wishes.

She is an utter, utter fool for taking him back & I wouldn't have had him staying again tbh.