19 year old daughter not speaking to me because of boyfriend situation

[StewPots]

My daughter is 19 and still living at home - not an issue - but has stopped speaking to me. Basically it’s because of her 20 yr old boyfriend, and my partner.

For context - my daughter has been with her bf for a year and a half, he lived with his mum and stepdad ( very tense relationship there ) but stayed here with her 3/4 nights a week. So far so good.

But then around two months ago, she split from him - he’d been in live porn sites, dating sites etc but my daughter says he never spoke to anyone, just had a pic up in the dating site. Anyway - big drama where my daughter and I packed all the bf stuff and my partner drove my daughter to bf parents house to drop it off etc. We were both very supportive towards her and helped her through it. However, 3 weeks later, she got back with him. Ok… I wasn’t keen on having him in the house as the dynamic changed for me, but I relented and he came back here and there.

Then he had a huge falling out with his stepdad - it got physical and from what I gathered the stepdad is a controlling abusive idiot - but we let the bf stay on the condition it being short term as in a week or two. 6 weeks later, he’s still here, has contributed £200 in that time, despite earning fair money in a full time job. My partner at this point has got fed up and asked could the bf go stay at his dads or something 2/3 times a week. To be clear, I agree as I don’t want another adult in the house, but at the same time I can’t see someone on the streets.

So yesterday I said to DD that it was time bf went elsewhere for a few nights a week - that he was still welcome here 3/4 nights like before, but my partner in particular was tired of this short term arrangement. It’s been a major source of tension the last few weeks especially, where patience has ran out. DD and bf do nothing to help in the house - I have a long term health condition which forced me to give up work late last year, and I’m still raising a 7 yr old DS. I’ve had awful relationships in the past but current partner is a decent man who has no issues with either of my kids, even taking DD out for driving lessons.

But now it’s escalated where my DD has threatened to move out, thinks my partner is playing “man of the house’ making rules ( he pays all our rent btw and supports me financially whereas daughter has only been paying £100 pcm ) and basically won’t speak to me because I’ve “taken his side not hers”. The bf apparently can’t go to his dads because there’s no room he’d have to stay on sofa and it’s two towns across from work. Yet my partner travels to work 4 towns away everyday and bf drives so…

I’ve been stuck between my partner and my daughter for weeks now, negotiating and allowing the time to be extended regarding bf, but they have both just moved in downstairs full time with no consultation and no reasonable rent offering. My partner says it’s not money per se that’s the issue here but it’s the fact of having another adult forced into the house when actually that’s not what we want. The stress is making me ill and I lost my dad a month ago yet haven’t had time to process any of it because of all this drama between DD and her bf. Help please!

@rogueone you make a valid point but for context - I was with DD alcoholic abusive dad for ten years but even when we split he still saw her etc. It was actually DD who made the decision not see her Dad because he just caused her so much stress. My DS I was with for 7 years, married… yet he cheated and I found out her had a mistress for a year. We divorced and he has since got married to her and they have a baby in the way.

My current partner and I were together for two years which seems quick to some to move in together but it has worked perfectly up until now. He and DD usually get on absolutely fine, they spend time with each other… my DP supported her massively when the bf screwed up and has said he will still be there for her whatever happens. It’s the bf that’s the issue as everything was fine before this.

OP, when you speak to DD today, speak to her alone, don’t speak to the BF - he is not actually involved here, he is just a guest. And tell her that.

Be very clear that she cannot Divide and Conquer your relationship. The person asking her bf to move out is YOU not DP.

‘DD, BF…..DP and I would like to have a grown up discussion about the living situation. 7pm tonight. ‘

If this is ignored, I would type up a document with what is going to happen in the next couple of weeks.

Personally, I would be looking up studio flats for them in the area and handing them the details.

If they do attend at 7pm you can say.

This isn’t working out.
Something has to change.
BF you are welcome to stay 2 nights a week but that it. DD, if that’s not good for you then I think it’s time you moved out too. We don’t want to fall out with you. We will help you in every way possible but my home is turning into a youth hostel and it’s making me ill.
I have found some studio flats for you. We expect you to go and look at them and be out by the first week of October.

THIS CURRENT SITUATION IS NOT HEALTHY FOR ANY OF US AND IS NOT GOING TO CONTINUE.

If your daughter is big enough to live with her partner she’s big enough to go and rent somewhere with him. Adults live together and build a life and independence. In my book they don’t live together in the family home.

I find this baffling on MN. I have literally never heard of a child living in their parents home with a partner. At most they may stay over with one another on a Friday or Saturday night but absolutely never heard on anyone expecting to live at home with their boyfriend especially when they’re 19. Your partner is 100% right. Your daughter doesn’t like it then she moves out. In my book it’s not even open to discussion

@StewPots

I tried to get everyone to sit down last week because I knew DP was getting fed up, as was I too because of the extra washing etc, but no one would come to the table so to speak, and then they just basically hid downstairs. It’s a ridiculous situation and I realise I’ve made a rod for my own back. And also DD is being manipulative.

My DP has had enough to the point where he wanted the bf out yesterday. He’s absolutely done but was still reasonable enough to suggest bf could stay 3/4 nights still but that want good enough for DD or bf. We don’t hate the lad - not at all. We just want our home to be just that - for us and DS and yes DD too if she chooses but that’s not how she sees it

I agree that you’re (kindly) pussyfooting around this issue and yes, letting dp lead or be the face of the “eviction”

That’s always going to fail.

So.

What you do is speak to DD and say that YOU don’t want to have an additional adult in your home. That this is not about him as a person, that you like him, you’re happy for DD etc etc, but that it was always supposed to be a temporary arrangement and now apparently isn’t.

That’s where the issue is. It’s her home yes, but she isn’t entitled to make decisions to move another adult in without any agreement or sensible discussion

Say that you’ve been supportive, but that temporary situation has come to an end and it’s time now for him to look to a more permanent solution elsewhere. Reiterating that she has a home with you for as long as she wants it, but if she wants to move in with him that you’ll understand and support her.

Explain that if she doesn’t want to move out, that’s fine too, and he’s welcome to visit 2/3 nights a week as before, but not to live there. It’s not him per se, it’s any additional adult.

I agree, time for them to move out. You’ve been more than generous IMO letting the boyfriend stay for 6 weeks even though they had a bad patch recently and broke up. They need to start looking for local flats/ room shares to rent cheaply. It sounds like they can both afford it as both work FT. If your DD wants to remain at home then I would tell her she could but without the BF.

And once you’ve explained that to her, you have the same conversation with him and give him until the end of October at the latest to find a permanent home elsewhere

It’s the bf that’s the issue as everything was fine before this.

Maybe but other things have changed as well. Your DD is growing up and needs to make her own way. You insisting on keeping her at home so that she can use moving out as a threat is contributing to the problem now. Having an independent home (like a room in a shared flat!) would be a good step for her. It would be healthy for her to feel she doesn't have to move straight from living in her mother's house to a living with a man.

Your instinct to rescue the boyfriend is a concern. He has a job, he would not be "on the streets" if he did not live with his parents. That is bad modeling for your DD.

"'DD I love you but I think its best if you and BF move out and find your own place, I will help you set it up if you need it'

I think not - they can set up their own place. Op is poorly and her partner has been effectively bankrolling these two.

Her pride is hurt.
She'll see sense.
I wouldn't be as accommodating or friendly towards BF either
Consequences of his actions.
3/4 nights is plenty of time.

I agree I’ve made massive mistakes in my approach - by trying to keep everyone happy I’ve just made it worse :(

Yesterday I spent all day trying to negotiate between DD and DP and it just escalated with them both ending up very angry.

I just honestly took them at their word it would be for a couple of weeks… more fool me

@Jemand

When your daughter comes up with accusation that you are favouring your partner over her, point out that (a) you're actually favouring yourself and your wellbeing over her boyfriend and (b) she is favouring her boyfriend over you.

This. On repeat.

Talk to your DD on her own. Make it really clear that she and her BF are not paying their way, that you and your DP can't afford to pay for them forever; that they need to pull their socks up and do housework etc whilst they are with you and mostly, they need to realise that they are not the only people in the world and that they need to act like adulst, take real responsibility for their actions.

Let her make of that what she will. But keep on responding with the above, you are putting yourself first and need this sorted before you go into hospital.

I'd take your DD out for a walk, or to a quiet pub or cafe, and have a grown up conversation. Ask her if she feels ready to move out - a house share if she doesn't want to move in with her bf. Most young adults share- either uni accommodation, or sharing rental accommodation when they start work. Tell her you'll always be there for her, you love her, and you think she is ready to move out and grow up. She can come back home for long weekends, call for advice. It just really sounds like she is stuck in child-mode, she needs to grow (up) and it isn't helping her or her relationship being in her childhood home.

Meanwhile tell your DP to back off while you help her move out amicably.

I think you have tried to keep the peace but yes, it's not working - because it can't. You and your DP want something different to what your DD wants.
It is hard because she will see this as you choosing to side with him but you do need to be honest and say it's what you want too.
You don't want the bf to be a resident. End of. The choice is simple. He has outstayed his welcome and has to leave.

@AmaryllisNightAndDay I just acted on instinct because the situation at that time was so bad and I felt bad for the bf… because I would do the same for anyone in that situation. But then again I suppose that’s why everyone takes advantage

The point above is spot on. They are behaving like kids and guests, which they're not. They both need to grow up and take some responsibility.

It isn't just your partner's wishes. You also have a duty to your younger child.
I would not have a porn-addled entitled cuckoo in my house with my young daughter. If your older daughter chooses to go with him, that is her decision as an adult.

OP, you've had some very wise and good advice here. I hope you can pick some of it out to help you tackle DD and her BF successfully.
I also wanted to say that I'm so sorry about the recent loss of your Dad, and that you we're unable to attend the funeral. And you have serious health issues, two traumatic past relationships, and are juggling DC at different age stages. It's an awful lot to have on your plate.

It sounds as though you have a lovely supportive friend. Treasure her/him, I'm sure they will know how much you appreciate their friendship.

You need to be honest with your dd and realise that her moving out won't be a bad thing. Now that she's had a taste of living with him without responsibility like bills, she won't want to give that up. See this as something she'll only understand if she goes through the coat and process of moving out.

I know that your health isn't great but try not to throw your partner under the bus "he was still welcome here 3/4 nights like before, but my partner in particular was tired of this short term arrangement. " If you phrase it like that, it sounds like he'd be welcome to stay full-time if it wasn't for your partner.

What do you want ? It's ok to say to a child who's earning that you don't like their behaviour - you shouldn't be scared of your dd. She's pulling the emotional strings that she knows will work with you. Tell don't ask. Maybe raise the rent to a level that gives them that extra push.

Dont' make them do housework or contribute more money - they won't do it properly and it gives them a reason to be entitled to stay.

She has anxiety so I worry she will get worse if I don’t let her get her own way on this.

Sounds like she has got a bf who is a version (selfish, angry) of her real DF.
They have to move out. That is the most likely way of getting him out of her life. The relationship is dragging on - but by letting them stay you are enabling it. Living with him with all the responsibilities of home running should split them, or possibly make them both grow up and sort themselves out.

Stop trying to ‘mediate’ between DD and DP as you’re emphasising the idea that it’s one vs the other. You and DP are on the same page.

I’m really astonished at your doormattish behaviour with your DD. If you had established appropriate boundaries with her earlier, the situation would never have escalated to the point she thinks she can take over one floor of your house, while earning more than you and DP and contributing almost nothing.

You are going to have to step up and stop pretending this is all DP. Stop posing as the go between. Talk to your DD alone and explain she has just got very wrong ideas about how life works and none of this is ok. Bf can’t stay, and she either has to contribute fairly a quarter of the household and start behaving like an adult, if she and bf have to find a place to rent together.

if she and bf have to find a place to rent together.

Or not if.

DD messaged yesterday in the middle of all this saying they’d enquired about a flat in the next town and she kept saying “it is what it is” to me all day. I think she was trying to force my hand

She has anxiety so I worry she will get worse if I don’t let her get her own way on this.

What about your health? If she wants to feel less anxious(and you're assuming that she's as sensitive as you) , there's an easy solution for that. I'm sorry but she is continuing to take the piss because you're being way too soft imo. Tell her what you really think about the current living arrangements.