19 year old daughter not speaking to me because of boyfriend situation

[StewPots]

My daughter is 19 and still living at home - not an issue - but has stopped speaking to me. Basically it’s because of her 20 yr old boyfriend, and my partner.

For context - my daughter has been with her bf for a year and a half, he lived with his mum and stepdad ( very tense relationship there ) but stayed here with her 3/4 nights a week. So far so good.

But then around two months ago, she split from him - he’d been in live porn sites, dating sites etc but my daughter says he never spoke to anyone, just had a pic up in the dating site. Anyway - big drama where my daughter and I packed all the bf stuff and my partner drove my daughter to bf parents house to drop it off etc. We were both very supportive towards her and helped her through it. However, 3 weeks later, she got back with him. Ok… I wasn’t keen on having him in the house as the dynamic changed for me, but I relented and he came back here and there.

Then he had a huge falling out with his stepdad - it got physical and from what I gathered the stepdad is a controlling abusive idiot - but we let the bf stay on the condition it being short term as in a week or two. 6 weeks later, he’s still here, has contributed £200 in that time, despite earning fair money in a full time job. My partner at this point has got fed up and asked could the bf go stay at his dads or something 2/3 times a week. To be clear, I agree as I don’t want another adult in the house, but at the same time I can’t see someone on the streets.

So yesterday I said to DD that it was time bf went elsewhere for a few nights a week - that he was still welcome here 3/4 nights like before, but my partner in particular was tired of this short term arrangement. It’s been a major source of tension the last few weeks especially, where patience has ran out. DD and bf do nothing to help in the house - I have a long term health condition which forced me to give up work late last year, and I’m still raising a 7 yr old DS. I’ve had awful relationships in the past but current partner is a decent man who has no issues with either of my kids, even taking DD out for driving lessons.

But now it’s escalated where my DD has threatened to move out, thinks my partner is playing “man of the house’ making rules ( he pays all our rent btw and supports me financially whereas daughter has only been paying £100 pcm ) and basically won’t speak to me because I’ve “taken his side not hers”. The bf apparently can’t go to his dads because there’s no room he’d have to stay on sofa and it’s two towns across from work. Yet my partner travels to work 4 towns away everyday and bf drives so…

I’ve been stuck between my partner and my daughter for weeks now, negotiating and allowing the time to be extended regarding bf, but they have both just moved in downstairs full time with no consultation and no reasonable rent offering. My partner says it’s not money per se that’s the issue here but it’s the fact of having another adult forced into the house when actually that’s not what we want. The stress is making me ill and I lost my dad a month ago yet haven’t had time to process any of it because of all this drama between DD and her bf. Help please!

Both your daughter and her bf are CF's. Stop feeling so guilty, they are incredibly selfish and entitled! He was told you'll accommodate him for a couple of weeks, he overstayed his welcome and didnt even bother to ask for an extension or even apologise?
They both earn more than you and DP and yet they only contribute £100-£200 here and there?
They are both adults but do nothing around the house?
Bf needs to go now - I wouldn't even bother giving him another month, he was supposed to only be there 1-2 weeks max. Remind him that and give him another 1-2 weeks, after that get his stuff out and change the locks. Sounds brutal but I doubt you'll get rid of him otherwise, given the attitude he's shown.
Your daughter sounds so entitled too, imo you should tell her she needs to start contributing more towards her rent + help with house chores, that isnt fair on you or DP and she needs to grow up. She can always move out with bf anyway if what your offer doesnt suit her.

I tried to get everyone to sit down last week because I knew DP was getting fed up, as was I too because of the extra washing etc, but no one would come to the table so to speak, and then they just basically hid downstairs. It’s a ridiculous situation and I realise I’ve made a rod for my own back. And also DD is being manipulative.

My DP has had enough to the point where he wanted the bf out yesterday. He’s absolutely done but was still reasonable enough to suggest bf could stay 3/4 nights still but that want good enough for DD or bf. We don’t hate the lad - not at all. We just want our home to be just that - for us and DS and yes DD too if she chooses but that’s not how she sees it

I mean this kindly but you are creating some of the division here by putting it all on your partner so she's doing divide and conquer.
You aren't happy with this situation either.
Make it clear it isn't a judgement on boyfriend (you've been very nice considering what went on) but that another adult in the house is too much.
Emphasise why it is too much for you with your health.
Give them a deadline and mean it. Don't let this cost you your marriage.
Be more positive about a place together. They can have their own space and be clear she is always welcome back be it for a few nights or permanently

OP, I have a 25 year old dd. I think when you raise a child by yourself and they have an absent father you carry so much guilt. They do get spoiled to some extent because you are always trying to 'make it up to them'

When I met my dh she was 15 and they rubbed along ok, when she turned 18 though she and I clashed over lots of things. The dynamic in the house changed and it became really unpleasant.I think looking back she was just trying to flex her 'new adulthood' - but it still made things unpleasant. She felt like she was a grown woman - but I was still doing her cooking, washing and tidying up after her. ( I had a small baby by now as was shattered)

She was working so I encouraged her to get a flat share with her friends, she actually moved in with her dads mum for six months and I know I was slagged off but my mental health was bad with her at this point and I needed space away from her and she then moved in to a flat share with her friends.

But we got back on track and we now have a wonderful close relationship.

Its time they both moved out. They can afford it between them. If it goes tits up then she can move back in by herself - with out him.

Your not in the wrong here OP

[quote Footle]@fourminutestosavetheworld , good advice apart from the idea of telling BF "we are fond of you and you're welcome for 3-4 nights a week". Nothing could be further from the truth, so how would that help? [/quote]
I don't think I said 3-4 nights. Apologies if I did as I agree that's too much.

I say this kindly OP but there seems to be a slightly codependent dynamic here. Stop worrying about her accusations, her anxiety seems to manifest as entitled, manipulative bullying.

The facts are you agreed for her boyfriend to move in as a temporary measure. You do not want an additional adult living in your home. Their financial contributions will not be covering the expense of keeping them, you may be happy to subsidise your daughter but it is unreasonable for them to expect you to pick up the tab for her boyfriends living expenses.
If your daughter threatens to move out I would call her bluff, tell her she is welcome to stay but you understand her desire for independence and are happy to help her find a place for them to move to.

Accusing you of choosing a man over her is childish, they are being unreasonable and don't like being told no. If her boyfriend ends up homeless it will be because of his own choices, he has options but they have decided what they want and are determined to get their own way by whatever means necessary. You are not responsible for meeting her boyfriends housing needs.

Get them both out. She needs a taste of the real world, and you deserve space and respect in your own home. They are both adults.

We are going through a lot with our daughter too.

It’s painful - but you need the distance for your sanity and she needs to grow up.
Do not feel guilty - she has her own path, time for her to start down it.

You can still see her - your relationship may improve if there is more space.

If your adult daughter lives with you, she should pay you rent, contribute to housework, and respect that it is your house. If you allow her boyfriend to become a lodger, he must do the same. They are acting like spoiled brats and taking you for a ride. Stop letting them hide behind anxiety, that doesn't stop them treating you with respect. I had awful anxiety at that age and I lived with my DM, and my boyfriend ended up lodging with us. We paid mum rent, did our share of housework, and generally all got on. If they can't behave properly, they can find their own place. They are young, but they are adults and working. Sorry you're having such a rough time. PS, your dp is the "man of the house" just as you are the "lady of the house". Your dd does not get to call the shots.

If they won't discuss it with you I'd tell your dd that her bf has until x date to find alternative accommodation, if he doesn't move out by then you'll be contacting the police to get him removed. If she kicks off, let her, if she threatens to leave, call her bluff, if either of them threaten suicide contact the police. You really do need to stand firm now op. It will be hard, they will try every trick in the book, emotional blackmail etc, they will slag you off, tell people you've kicked them out. However if you don't stand up to them, you'll be pushed out if your own home, it will likely destroy your current relationship and your relationship with your dd will never get back on track.

I left home at 17 under similar circumstances, a few years later I realised how terribly I treated my Mum. We have had a wonderful relationship since

@StewPots

I also worry because of her anxiety she will do something silly - she’s apparently done something similar before. Yet her being here isn’t an issue - partner has said he’d not even be bothered if she was here another 5-10 years, it’s the bf that’s the problem. But because partner put his foot down yesterday on this, it’s all escalated. No one can see anyone else’s point of view and I’ve spent time I should have had grieving my dad ( couldn’t attend funeral had to watch online ) referring this situation and easing tensions in the house

She is old enough to move out. They are both taking the piss.

Give them a time limit to go.

And do NOT return his money.

Let her move out, she will get the shock that she needs to grow up and become the adult she is and not the child she likes to be. Make sure she knows she can return but that if she does it will be as an adult.

"but it’s now just basically I’ll be seen as a bad mum who’s thrown her out."

Then be careful how you frame it. This was presented to you as a short term problem, now it's time to find this lovely boy a settled, permanent home of his own so that you can put all of this tension to bed.

No mention from you of asking dd to leave. If she says she's going too, be ready with something like 'we'll miss you terribly but if that's what you want to do we'll support your decision of course.'

As a pp said, firm but with a big smile. When she shares all of this with family members, how can she make any of it sound unreasonable? It'll be 'mum says bf needs a place of his own now'. I can't imagine many would disagree with you.

You say they won't come to the table but they're in your house. Whatever room they're in, join them. 'I know you'll want to sort this out as much as we do. This tension is horrible isn't it.'

It is heartening to read of those who have been through similar and come out the other side. In many respects my DD is mature but in others she is massively the opposite and you’re right - she does need to grow up. Any advice on how to address this today ( bf is sleeping elsewhere, not sure where, maybe his mums, dads or car! ) would be greatly appreciated. I just feel so awkward in my own home and I genuinely have medically diagnosed extreme anxiety disorder as well as this health condition. I’m also having a full hysterectomy soon so I don’t need the extra stress right now

And don't return his rent. Surely he pays that retrospectively, for the previous week/month.

I think it will be good for them both to get a place of their own. A learning curve. They currently have no appreciation of the costs of living and your daughter needs to see she is being unreasonable to expect you to put him up 24/7 for very little in return. It doesn’t mean you need to fall out you can be fully supportive by helping them make the transition.

@StewPots

It is heartening to read of those who have been through similar and come out the other side. In many respects my DD is mature but in others she is massively the opposite and you’re right - she does need to grow up. Any advice on how to address this today ( bf is sleeping elsewhere, not sure where, maybe his mums, dads or car! ) would be greatly appreciated. I just feel so awkward in my own home and I genuinely have medically diagnosed extreme anxiety disorder as well as this health condition. I’m also having a full hysterectomy soon so I don’t need the extra stress right now

You sound so apologetic. I don't think you should go into this with reasons they can attempt to blow away. You don't need a reason other than 'you said this would be for a few weeks, time to go.'

She’s made me feel awful when partner said no fecking way… my mate agrees with her

Can I just clarify a few things? You say she says he's playing man of the house and that you are picking a man over her and her needs. Also that he pays all of the rent and financially supports you. And that he 'doesn't even mind if she's there for another 5 or ten years' ...just not with him.

Whose house are you in? Did he move into you and your DD's existing home? And how long have you been together? It is longer than the DD has been with her BF or less?

While I agree that they are both being unreasonable and petulant, you should have set up a regular agreement that sensible amounts of rent would be collected from them both when he moved back in full time, even if it was only ever meant to be temporary. You should also have insisted on some ground rules and drawn up a split chores rota. Then you'd have more leverage if they didn't pay or do their bit. Now it does sound a bit as if you are allowing your DP to call the shots just because he wants the house to himself.

Tonight you’re going to sit down with the pair of them - if they try to ‘hide’ downstairs just follow them! Tell them the situation cannot continue, the boyfriend needs to move out by the end of the month and until then he needs to pay you £50 a week rent. You will not be providing meals or laundry service for either of them as they are adults and can manage that themselves. If your DD threatens to leave with him, then tell her that’s ok, you fully expect her to leave home soon as she’s an adult, and you wish her well. Then walk away. Do not get into any arguments. You’re not having a discussion, you’re telling them what needs to happen.

I really don't see why they're not renting a place together. They're on good money, want to live life together and he doesn't want to house share. It's time to grow up.

@StewPots

They are 2 adults with full time jobs;there is literally no reason for them not to stand on their own two feet.

I agree with people that they should rent a place of their own.They can't live at home forever.

I think they probably both know in their hearts that you are right.

But perhaps he can't afford a place on his own, and she isn't quite ready to move in with him. They just don't know what to do, don't like any of the options, but do like the status quo. They are just railing against you for pointing out that it can't continue because they don't want to face it. You'll just have to stand firm while realisation dawns and they accept it.

Give them 6 weeks til the end of October and tell the boyfriend he needs to go.

If she goes with him then that’s up to her.

It’s time she moved out. If she had gone to uni she would be already away.

I would say your upcoming hysterectomy should absolutely spur you on and it would be extremely unsupportive of your own mother not to have your back if your DD went whining to her.

How anyone post-operative and feeling vulnerable after major surgery, craving rest and seclusion in their own home, would want to - or be expected to - encounter their daughter's flaky, overstaying boyfriend hanging around in the evenings and on weekends when it was meant to be a temporary arrangement, is truly beyond me. A hysterectomy takes some serious recuperation. Don't let the tension from all this make you go into it feeling weepy and below par.

It's really worth sorting it out now.

When you say they do nothing around the house- does this mean you’re now cooking his dinner and washing his clothes?

He’s overstayed his welcome, and he’s not entitled to live in your house. I agree with your partner on this, you do need to put your foot down. Your daughter might make a big fuss now but it’s totally unreasonable of her to move someone in without permission as he only had permission to stay a certain while.
And at her age to be honest she really ought to be doing her own chores, or moving out will be a big shock!