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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think perimenopause is making me feel like I am vanishing from my own life

156 replies

Campingcarryon · 08/09/2021 04:59

I am 48 and in perimenopause (hence the nearly 5am post as I can’t sleep Grin)

I feel SO strange with it all. Like the person I used to be doesnt exist and like I could disappear. Really flat and sometimes like I don’t have the energy or interest in anything at all. Like even the simple things that used to bring me joy don’t anymore. A lot of people in my life really get on my nerves Blush and I just can’t be arsed with anything.

Obviously my kids bring me meaning & I keep going because of them but without them I feel like I could become a hermit! I even found myself thinking that being a nun might be quite nice as I could retreat from life completely 🤣

I mean- what the fuck? I am normally a confident, life loving person who is sociable! Good at my job etc but even that I have totally lost interest in.
I do have HRT to try on my next cycle so I am hoping it will help with this a bit but I feel really strange. I have lots of physical symptoms too- can’t lose weight, itchy, some atrophy, a few mild hot flushes, horrible periods. But it’s the mood symptoms that are the strangest to be honest.

Aibu to find it all so odd? I feel like I have lost interest in everything and everyone.

OP posts:
crispinglovershighkick · 08/09/2021 11:38

When I was a kid any mention of menopausal 'loss of confidence' was framed as the understanding that you were no longer attractive to men and insecurity around your dwindling femininity.

Now I'm at that point in my life (53, periods stopped early this year) I understand the feeling, how I look and am perceived by others is not the primary problem, it's more like feeling unmoored and adrift from yourself. Having said that, my eyes have also been opened to perceptions of older women, including my own internalised misogyny, which has compounded the feelings of isolation.

Three of what I thought were solid longterm friendships have gone entirely, two more remain friendly but they've moved so far away I may never see them again.

Weirdly I don't really see my own physical ageing - I know it's there, but I look the same to myself - and I'm possibly fitter now than I've ever been. Against all odds (multiple bad marriages for both parents) I have a really good, happy marriage, I feel happy and secure in theory, all is well etc but I feel like you do OP. Yanbu.

PeriWrinkles · 08/09/2021 15:10

Totally relate to it all, OP Flowers

But there is a good side: no more monthly torture. After 4 years of horrendous frequent menstruation and terrible brain fog, I am absolutely ECSTATIC today at my first unmistakeably absent period. It's like ttc in reverse, I am over the moon at even just the thought of no more bleeding. I'll be contentedly crabby, antisocial and intolerant for the rest of my days, as long as I never have to look at another san pad 🙂🙂

Kolo · 08/09/2021 17:01

And I suddenly find him really boring - when he talks, I can't even be arsed looking him in the eyes.

Sorry, I'm chuckling at this. Only because it resonates so much with me. My poor husband. He's so lovely and I've turned into a nightmare 😂

Kolo · 08/09/2021 17:06

Yes, this is it for me too. I used to be so caring and such a worrier, but now I just don't give a fuck about anything.

Mostly I DGAF about anything. But tangentially I fixate on channeling my rage onto one thing. At the moment it's my son's school doing something I didn't like so I'm obsessed with making their life a misery until they sort it out to my pleasure. Perhaps I need to warn them that this is my menopausal rage fixation so I'm not going to be fobbed off. Best to give in to my demands now for everyone's sake.

Finewine76 · 08/09/2021 17:25

So many of us could have written this op! I'm exactly the same, sat at my desk reading this with tears in my eyes! So so close to leaving my job as I suddenly feel out of my depth. Housework is suffering and my hot sweats are terrible!

bambooelectrictoothbrushhead · 08/09/2021 18:00

I had exactly the same. Went privately through the St Erme clinic and feel so much better now after HRT

JayAlfredPrufrock · 08/09/2021 18:05

Naturally of course we aren’t really designed to live past menopause.

So embrace it. And enjoy.

HemanOrSheRa · 08/09/2021 18:11

@Kolo

Yes, this is it for me too. I used to be so caring and such a worrier, but now I just don't give a fuck about anything.

Mostly I DGAF about anything. But tangentially I fixate on channeling my rage onto one thing. At the moment it's my son's school doing something I didn't like so I'm obsessed with making their life a misery until they sort it out to my pleasure. Perhaps I need to warn them that this is my menopausal rage fixation so I'm not going to be fobbed off. Best to give in to my demands now for everyone's sake.

Oh dear. I'm exactly the same. It's an overwhelming feeling of righteous fury. I can loathe someone with the heat of a thousand suns too and I can't hide it AT ALL any more. And I DO NOT CARE!
Marmalady75 · 08/09/2021 18:12

@milcal I’m trying the natural way, but I know that I will probably end up on hrt. I did some research and found a company called Health and Her that do natural products. I’ve only been on the peri stuff for a couple of months, but it has made a big difference to the hot flushes, my emotions are more stable (I don’t swing constantly between wanting to kill everyone that looks my way or crying my eyes out over nonsense) and I am sleeping much better. I know the natural way don’t for everyone, but placebo or not, I feel better for taking it.

Finfintytint · 08/09/2021 18:23

I’m 54 and have had 3 periods in the last 2 years. I flit between raging ( at work colleagues) and not giving a flying fuck about other stuff. My sleep is terrible and I have a few night sweats. On the plus side, I’m exercising loads, have dramatically lost weight and I have a ridiculously high libido. Husband can put up with the moods Grin

Skade · 08/09/2021 18:32

@Theeyeballsinthesky

This is completely normal OP. You are losing oestrogen- oestrogen is sometimes called “the caring hormone” in menopause circles. Basically it’s having a truckload of it that in general makes women put their children (and other ppl) first & look after them. As you lose it you literally start to lose the ability to give a fuck - this is quite liberating but also scary

HRT could help - I started on it age 48 & I wouldn’t be without it

@theeyeballsinthesky I've just read your message to DH and he was in complete agreement, said "yep, I could have told you that" - I didn't actually realise how obvious it had been that I simply don't give a fuck about most things any more Blush

I'm 47 and you have described my symptoms to a T OP - I started on HRT 3 weeks ago and am already starting to feel the fog lifting a little - there is hope! Try the HRT but like others have said bear in mind that it might need tweaking.

tigger1001 · 08/09/2021 18:34

You are most definitely not alone.

I'm sitting here almost in tears today. Nothing major, just life has really got on top of me. But earlier it was rage. I've always quite even keeled emotionally and am struggling with the rollercoaster of emotions.

I've never been a sociable person and have always lacked confidence but the last 2 years have been awful. I hate beyond words going out and will try my best to get out of it. Going to a social event next Friday with work and am dreading it. Wishing I had just said no, lack confidence at work.

Brain fog/memory issues are huge. And am studying for professional exams, which was supposed to boost my confidence but now stressed I won't remember anything.

I have had a phone consultation with the gp. I did think I would have a battle as have heard some horror stories about lack of support, but she was fantastic. Wanted to check my bloods to rule out thyroid issues but said if they were ok she would want to prescribe hrt. Got my follow up appointment next week. That's what lead to my emotional breakdown today, struggled to get the time off work. Sorted now though, as I think it's in everyone's interest I go.

I'm not sure I recognise my former self. I don't recognise the fun loving person I was in my 20's to who I am now.

And I certainly seem to lack the same degree of caring about stuff that I did before. That's not all bad as I possibly took on too much before but think there is a happy medium between caring about myself and not caring about anything

user1471538283 · 08/09/2021 18:34

I was the same. I felt invisible and down. I had moods, night sweats and joint pain. I went on hrt and it changed my life.

mrsnw · 08/09/2021 18:36

Is it like an out of body experience. Almost like the old you is watching the menopause you and thinking, what am I doing? But you have absolutely no control over it ?

BuddhaAtSea · 08/09/2021 18:47

Good god, thank you all!!!
I was beginning to think I’m depressed!
Lack of sleep, 3/4 am waking up, not interested in anything too much, everything you all said. I’m in my mid 40s.
Woooow.

OverByYer · 08/09/2021 18:57

I thought of this thread today as I was plotting to divorce DH for fu*king up the online pay and display parking on our day out. Really think I should live on my own now. I have no energy anymore for sorting anyone else’s shit out after 25 years of doing so.

This thread has been a breath of fresh air, knowing I’m not alone.

MareofBeasttown · 08/09/2021 19:13

@Kolo

And I suddenly find him really boring - when he talks, I can't even be arsed looking him in the eyes.

Sorry, I'm chuckling at this. Only because it resonates so much with me. My poor husband. He's so lovely and I've turned into a nightmare 😂

This is me. I literally yawn when DH starts talking.
zenthoughtsonlythanks · 08/09/2021 19:19

I am the same age, and I feel like this. It is not depression.

Just where there used to be energy and enthusiasm there is no longer!
I have adapted a slower pace of life, given in to to the quieter need for peace. Stopped seeing people that annoy me. Spend more time in the garden and outdoors. We are ageing. It is natural and okay to feel more tired.

Back2School · 08/09/2021 20:49

49 here and nodding along to all these posts. Loving @niceupthedanceagain description of feeling like a 'paper bag' Grin

I feel like a very angry paper bag. Has a bit of a ring to it. Might write an easy reader book for GPs about the perimenopause called "The Very ANGRY Paper Bag"....

I have started with HRT quite recently and although it's helping with the brain fog and severe fatigue it's not really helping with the rage. Maybe the rage can't and shouldn't be medicated? I really want to wear a badge that says "Do NOT disturb - Peri Woman". My poor DH is basically terrified of me these days. I've suggested communicating mainly by email Wink

HelloDaisy · 08/09/2021 21:04

Back2School That really made me laugh out loud, what a fab title for a book!

My HRT helped with the anger and frustration eventually but took longer to kick in than other symptoms if that helps. I’ve been on it for nearly 6 months now with a couple of breaks for various things and am so, so much better now.

Back2School · 08/09/2021 21:18

That's very encouraging to hear @HelloDaisy - about the rage & HRT Grin

Stopsnowing · 08/09/2021 21:19

I could have written the op

janknitti · 08/09/2021 21:21

Just came on here to add that this was exactly how I felt 8 months ago. (I was 46). HRT was a total game changer for me. Energy levels are back, deflatedness / listlessness, anger and depression are gone. Feel me again. Got back to the gym and a new job !

MilesOfSand · 08/09/2021 21:24

@FortunesFave

I don't feel like this and I'm perimenopausal. It sounds more like you've got depression to be honest.
Depression is often a symptom of peri menopause.
Kolo · 08/09/2021 21:25

Kolo
And I suddenly find him really boring - when he talks, I can't even be arsed looking him in the eyes.

Sorry, I'm chuckling at this. Only because it resonates so much with me. My poor husband. He's so lovely and I've turned into a nightmare 😂
This is me. I literally yawn when DH starts talking.

I can't even be arsed to hide it. Sometimes
If he asks me a question I'll be like "yeah I wasn't listening to any of that". And then probably yell at him and turn it into his fault.