To think perimenopause is making me feel like I am vanishing from my own life

[Campingcarryon]

I am 48 and in perimenopause (hence the nearly 5am post as I can’t sleep )

I feel SO strange with it all. Like the person I used to be doesnt exist and like I could disappear. Really flat and sometimes like I don’t have the energy or interest in anything at all. Like even the simple things that used to bring me joy don’t anymore. A lot of people in my life really get on my nerves and I just can’t be arsed with anything.

Obviously my kids bring me meaning & I keep going because of them but without them I feel like I could become a hermit! I even found myself thinking that being a nun might be quite nice as I could retreat from life completely 🤣

I mean- what the fuck? I am normally a confident, life loving person who is sociable! Good at my job etc but even that I have totally lost interest in.
I do have HRT to try on my next cycle so I am hoping it will help with this a bit but I feel really strange. I have lots of physical symptoms too- can’t lose weight, itchy, some atrophy, a few mild hot flushes, horrible periods. But it’s the mood symptoms that are the strangest to be honest.

Aibu to find it all so odd? I feel like I have lost interest in everything and everyone.

Same here, OP. I've had depression and this is very very different. With depression I felt despairing and sad. But with this, I don't feel that at all. It's more that I just want to stare out of the window for hours. I can't be arsed with anything - working, talking to people, etc - everything just feels like it takes a massive effort. My husband is getting on every last nerve. And I suddenly find him really boring - when he talks, I can't even be arsed looking him in the eyes. Exactly the same for me DotDotDotDot.

When I had to fill out the mood questionnaire to request a GP consultation I got to the questions 'In the last 2 weeks how often have you been bothered with not being able to stop or control worrying/worrying too much about different things' I realised not at all. Actually, I couldn't give a flying fuck about most things. Which in some ways may be no bad thing as it is very different to the sadness, despair and hopelessness I've felt when my depression and anxiety have hit.

And my poor DP, bless him. If he knew what I was thinking in my head when he's talking to me, he'd be so upset. Though he probably has an idea due to my muttering under my breath and just walking away when he is driving me insane.

Yes. Yes. Yes to all of it.
48 too and 2 months into hrt.
Not feeling the benefits yet but hanging in there.
Your description of disappearing is so apt for me too op.
I don't know what I want or who I am anymore. Everything just makes me sigh, like I'm jaded with the same-y-ness of it all.
The hamster wheel nature of life has never been so apparent.
Can't believe the changes in my body and struggle with the fact that it'll carry on getting worse. As for my mind, not sure what's going on but it all feels a bit unreal and flat. I feel hollowed out & have completely lost my confidence.
I look at DH and feel jealous at how stable it all is for him. He gets up, showers, has breakfast and gets on with his day. No mood swings, no physical issues, no self-doubt, no obvious worries and is the same every bloody day. I wonder if and when ageing will hit him.
I was always the organised one in the one who did all the chivvying people along etc, but now I feel chaotic, forgetful and insecure about my role/abilities, everything really.
So basically, after all that, I'm saying you are definitely not alone!

It’s totally normal unfortunately and it’s purely hormonal.
Not everyone suffers but they’re definitely in the minority.
See your GP or a menopause specialist. You will feel more like your old self again in time.

I lost the will to bake cakes.

My cousin was like this until she overhauled her diet (low carb but higher in protein and good fats) and started exercising properly - ie cardio and weights / yoga 3 x every week.

@DotDotDotDot

Same here, OP. I've had depression and this is very very different. With depression I felt despairing and sad. But with this, I don't feel that at all. It's more that I just want to stare out of the window for hours. I can't be arsed with anything - working, talking to people, etc - everything just feels like it takes a massive effort. My husband is getting on every last nerve. And I suddenly find him really boring - when he talks, I can't even be arsed looking him in the eyes

Literally the only times I feel good is when I'm running, so I'm becoming obsessed with that and running more and more, because it's the only thing that 'lifts' me.

My GP has offered antidepressants I'm on a waiting list now for a private menopause clinic because I can't be bothered battling with my GP.

My aunt told me that she thought about leaving my uncle daily for 3 years during her peri stage. Luckily she didn’t and they were married for another 20 years until he died!

I hope you don’t have to wait to long for the private clinic. The one I went to was great and are offering phone calls as well as face to face which helps. My gp agreed to writing px once he had a letter from clinic with hrt details.

When I had to fill out the mood questionnaire to request a GP consultation I got to the questions 'In the last 2 weeks how often have you been bothered with not being able to stop or control worrying/worrying too much about different things' I realised not at all. Actually, I couldn't give a flying fuck about most things.

Yes, this is it for me too. I used to be so caring and such a worrier, but now I just don't give a fuck about anything.

I used to love planning and organising, especially parties and holidays. Now I find packing for a weekend away overwhelming.

Waves hand - I've found my people - 47 and just no joy in life, so quick to rage and weird bleeding.
Have already picked up that I need more exercise, eat better and had already dropped the alcohol. Any more non medical tips?
Also can anyone advise how having a mirena already can help or hinder? I was about to call GP to ask why I have gone from only occasional spotting to now bleeding 4 out of 7 days most weeks...

Also improving my diet and doing loads of exercise really helps
Completely agree. Plus carving out some alone time to do whatever the fuck you want. A bath. Read in bed. Watch shit on telly.
Just complete alone time.
I appreciate that’s hard to come by with DC but absolutely worth getting. That’s what’s kept me sane.

I can relate to all of this, sisters! Waiting for HRT to kick in, no other help to offer other than to say knowing other woman are experiencing the same makes me feel more "normal"

@Sisisimone "an absence of happiness" is exactly how I feel, I couldn't find the words but this just describes it perfectly. Sorry you feel the same

I'm 44 and my gynaecologist was (surprisingly I thought) not keen on saying yes it's peri menopause and prescribing HRT but suggested the mirena coil first to hopefully stop periods and help with mood swings etc. It's been in four months and I'm still bleeding on and off and no improvement in how I feel so I will be going back and asking about HRT again in 2 months (they asked me to give it 6 months to settle down).

I could cry reading this thread (probably another symptom 😭😂). I had a huge lightbulb moment last week when I finally added up the insomnia, anxiety, mood swings … and yes, that feeling of not being myself any more. Of the joy in life slowly draining away.

It’s SO comforting to hear others’ experiences and startling too, to hear other women describe my own feelings so accurately. I’m hoping to start HRT soon.

mrschocolatte and everyone, thank you for your words, I could have written op's post and am also finding your answers really helpful.

I am waiting for a date for a scan to see if I have fibroids so I will know what my options are for treatment.

Interesting that someone mentioned changing to a low carb, high protein diet with more good fats - this is what I have instinctively moved to anyway. Exercise has been a challenge in the last few months because of the anaemia.

@TheCountessofFitzdotterel me too, my diet has always been pretty good but recently have moved over to loads more veg and replacing chicken with fish, I just feel it's what my body needs. Less bread and pasta is helping with the stomach bloat and carb spikes.
I can't drink a lot any more anyway, more than a couple of glasses of white wine/gin&tonic and the next day is hideous. Can't touch red wine these days.
I do high impact, weights or Pilates style home workouts three times a week and walk a few miles with my dog every day, and went paddleboarding at the weekend, god that was FUN!
So I feel like I'm doing all I can to keep things stable, but some days it's just not enough.

I found what helped me was learning to accept that I no f*s left to give about a lot of things any more. I have always been the organiser, the advisor, the dependable one. It just got exhausting and I felt that so little of 'me' was left.

So, I stopped organising the holidays, doing all of the packing, booking all of the tickets. I held back from giving others advise _ I'm not a financial expert so stop expecting me to sort out your pension/ investment/ savings issues. Go and read about it online and educate yourself - like I had to.

In short I got selfish. I started to take up hobbies that I always yearned to do. Walking the coastal path has been one of the most healing activities for me. I can spend hours hunting for seaglass, sorting it and sometimes crafting with it. I took up geocaching and I love it. I have read more than I have in years. I recognise the solitary nature of all of these things. I am more than happy in my own company with no one to irritate me and take up my time. All of this has only been possible after giving up work though.

I do think that the menopause put an end to my career. I am sorry about that because for the first 25 years it was one I enjoyed and I was was successful in. Ultimately though I had to let it go - for my own sanity. I do love the freedom I have now.

I think that the support given to women in this stage in life is shocking. I had to attend training in work on wellbeing - total waste of time - no mention of the menopause, despite the fact that many on the staff would currently or would soon be affected by it. No sympathy, no support. Maternity and paternity benefits are rightly now far more available than they were back when I need them - but there is nothing for when you need it later in life. I wonder how many women drop out of the work force prematurely? No one was interested in keeping my experience and I really felt the 30 years I had given to my career were brushed away.

Ah well - best not to dwell. As I said earlier my post work, post menopause life is happier - very different, but definitely happier.

I found b3 from Holland n Barrett taken at night really helped my early waking. I did take 3 a night though. It was better in a few nights but much more fun than 3am! After a couple of years I stopped taking them as started getting headaches but I slept normal by then.

@Kevinishot

I am the same! But can’t take HRT as I have terrible fibroids & don’t want any more oestrogen (oestrogen is what ‘feeds’ them apparently - so I have been told they will shrink in menopause…I can’t cope with them getting any bigger as they are already terrible & cause all sorts of problems) Can anyone recommend anything other than HRT? But op I could have written your post exactly. You’re not alone! (I know that doesn’t really help much but may be some comfort every now & again!)

I had fibroids. I'm on HRT + mirena. I was told HRT couldnt make them reappear, I also did my research but couldn't find anything saying they would. So far (18 months), no new fibroids.

Diet, water and exercise are the biggies for me (age 46). I had a terrible anxiety phase where for weeks I felt on edge and like there was a weight on my chest, felt terribly bloated, terrible sleep, always normally cold but suddenly hot all the time. I'm now drinking a lot more water, trying to stay away from sugar and too many white carbs, eating kefir, taking digestive enzymes with a big meal and have started swimming and yoga. Just started to feel back to normal after a few weeks of doing this.

Yes, I'm 48 and this is me too. I have no interest in anyone or anything and am also VERY irritable with my husband for 3 out of 4 weeks a month. I have a young daughter (6) so need to find some energy from somewhere. I've been exercising (HIIT) 5 days a week and dieting (again, can't lose weight) and I've put myself on the waiting list for the menopause clinic.

GherkinGreen - ‘I can't drink a lot any more anyway, more than a couple of glasses of white wine/gin&tonic and the next day is hideous.’

Yes, exactly this too. On the plus side I think this is why I haven’t (yet) gained weight.

Me too. Same age as you OP. I feel really flat and also really tired. I used to also really care about my appearance - not in a vain way, but just enjoying wearing nice clothes etc. But now I just feel there is no point making an effort - my hair is falling out, my skin is terrible…

@torquewench thank you - that’s good to know. Mine are so awful & I’ve had so many failed treatments (bar hysterectomy) that I’m terrified of making them worse.

I already have a great diet, don’t drink & am a good weight…I don’t know what else I can do 😢 I’m trying to ride it out at the moment but grateful for any more suggestions people have!

Can you imagine if men had all these symptoms?
Yet again, they'd be able to get HRT at the ATM, no questions asked, if they had to deal with all the shit women do .
On the plus side, educating myself and DH and my teenage boys on the whole menopause thing can only help women in the future, right?