DM’s holiday change to suit friend.

[Pleasedonotswear]

First, I want to say that I do not expect my mother to childmind my children on a regular basis, but I do occasionally ask if she is able to help out in special circumstances. I also do a lot to help her on a regular basis, so don’t feel that I am taking advantage of her.

Two months ago my employer asked me to go on a training course, which would definitely help my promotion prospects (I know there is a higher position coming up in January, which I was hoping to get). I asked my dm if she would be able to look after my children after school 2 days that week until my dh was finished work. She said that it wouldn’t be a problem and put the dates on her calendar.

Fast forward till now, just 3 weeks before my course. I was at my mothers cutting her grass. She has just asked me if I could change the dates when I am away. I said that obviously I can’t because it is a set date! She informed me that the friend she was going away with (the week before my course) for a few days can’t now go away on the date they had booked and the company they are traveling with said they could change the date to the week I was going to be away.

Now, I know dm has to have a life outside her family, but I am really annoyed with this, mainly because of the reason for the change. Apparently the friend she is going with has just been asked to collect a neighbours children from school (the week they were originally going away) and look after them until either she or her husband finish work and she has said she will. The company they were traveling with said that they can change to the week I was supposed to be away and friend has agreed to the change, meaning I now have nobody to look after my children, so can’t go on course. I am dreading telling my work I can’t now go and I will probably be given a warning, as the course was costing approx £800, plus over £200 accommodation. I will not be given a second chance to attend course and almost certainly will not be in line for any promotion in January!

I have told my dm how important the course is, but she has just said she is sorry but doesn’t want to lose her holiday. I have finished her grass, but didn’t go in after, as I know we will have an argument if I do. I feel like telling her to get someone else to run around cutting her grass, take her to appointments, get her shopping and all the other things I do for her. AIBU if I stop helping her.

As a GP who does regular childcare for my grandchildren I think your mum is well out of order. Barring illness I always prioritise the days we have agreed to do childcare and if the holiday has only been altered because your mums friend has agreed to do childcare for someone elses children ( not even relatives) I can see why you are annoyed and feel massively let down. As you say it just sounds like your mum feels her holiday trumps any other commitments she may have taken on and while you cannot do anything about it I would certainly be less available to help her out for the forseeable future.

If the ILs cannot do it can you approach any of your childrens friends mums or look into some sort of paid childcare? It is always a good idea to have a backup plan. What about a neighbour? Maybe the after school club could help as a one off? You have 3 weeks to sort it out and I would not be seeing your mum during those weeks.

Can you ask school staff?
Breakfast club staff, a TA or a dinner lady. Offer to Pay them a very good rate and buy them a huge gift (massive box of biscuits/ bottle of wine/ nice pen and note book- you get the picture).

I understand how upset you are at DM letting you down OP, and I would be too - and I would probably be going low contact for now at least.

However with regard to your course, surely there are other options to explore before abandoning the course - other parents, babysitters (ask friends for recommendations if you don't have regular ones), Sitters.com or similar etc etc. Explore all options OP.

But also, as pp say, don't cancel the course. There's a way, if you look hard enough and are willing to pay for help. Your mum was wrong to cancel on you, and I'd confront her on that at some point (or just stop being available to help every single time she asks), but definitely don't give up on the course.

@Windintrees

Do you have a cleaner? Would she do it for the extra money?

Good call, mine would!

@FannyFifer

Just let the kids have a wee holiday at grandparents for a couple of days. You can not miss the course.

I usually am very against children missing school but in this instance I agree with @FannyFifer

I would try DH's parents to come and stay for a few days in these exceptional circumstances and then organise a lovely treat to thank them if they are able to step in and be lifesavers!

Your mum is in the wrong her but I have to be honest, your lack of willingness to solve this problem is really surprising. You’ve had so many suggestions on this thread - just go and try to fix this problem now.

Cancelling your course is the most ridiculous suggestion.

Yeah I'd be taking the kids out of school for a couple of days to stay with in laws over cancelling the course. But ask school mums and local childcare pages, there will be someone!

@Pleasedonotswear your DM is completely in the wrong and I would be furious with her.
But, you are where you are. There must be a parent / parents from your DC's classes that could have them for a couple of hours after school?
Otherwise, use something like Sitters.com.
There is a solution out there that doesn't involve you cancelling your course.

Don’t cancel the cheque course

I agree - if you can’t get anyone else I’d take dc out of school for a couple of days and send them to grandparents

Suggest to your mother she gets her friends neighbour to mow her lawn, get her groceries etc in future.

Just pay for a sitter or ask a school mum.

My kids would conveniently have a bout of the runs and be off to the in laws for a couple of days if they were willing to help. No way would I pass up a course that could mean promotion, and pass off your employer after shelling out hundreds to send you. Nor would I be rushing round after your mum anymore. Do what you want to, on your terms.

Piss off even, not pass.

YANBU and I would be hugely disappointed in my mum if she pulled something like this.

It doesn't sound like you rely on her for regular childcare and that your dh pulls his weight. I can also understand the feeling of utter despair when your childcare falls apart. Covid has really fucked everything up for me. It isn't as easy to find childcare anymore.

Sitters is a good website for emergency care or I would echo the previous posters who suggested and send the kids off for short holiday with the in laws.

Good luck op. Don't give up on your course yet.

For their comfort could your in laws stay at your mums while she is away? Would that make them near enough for the school pick up? I’d definitely be telling her how much this has hurt you because those other unrelated children have been prioritised and we don’t even know the reason they needed a sitter. I’ll absolutely echo, do NOT cancel that course

Can you get a nanny/minder/babysitter for the two days?
We recently got one as a one off (organised through a childcare website) and they were brilliant, and very reasonably priced.

Would your MIL be able to help without your FIL. Teenager of a friend or neighbour, local childminder as a one off, cleaner if you have one? Our cleaner (when we had one) did school drop off instead of cleaning for a while term until I started my last maternity leave
I’m afraid it wouldn’t matter to me that mum has no one else. She doesn’t mind leaving you in the lurch I’d not be mowing her lawn again.

seriously you can book a nanny/babysitter for two afternoons! You can’t cancel the course!

I had a situation with after school club being oversubscribed and I sent an email explaining how desperate I was and they fitted them both in

You could try that?

Could hubby take a day or half day for one of the day and ask a friend if they could have a play date the other day ?

Of you can't get someone to take the kids then keep them off school.

People keep kids off school for holidays, weddings etc all the time.

This is a much better reason. Feel no guilt.

And if after school club cannot help see if the school can provide you with alternative suggestions? They may know of childminders that other parents use..