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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

DM’s holiday change to suit friend.

554 replies

Pleasedonotswear · 06/09/2021 17:13

First, I want to say that I do not expect my mother to childmind my children on a regular basis, but I do occasionally ask if she is able to help out in special circumstances. I also do a lot to help her on a regular basis, so don’t feel that I am taking advantage of her.

Two months ago my employer asked me to go on a training course, which would definitely help my promotion prospects (I know there is a higher position coming up in January, which I was hoping to get). I asked my dm if she would be able to look after my children after school 2 days that week until my dh was finished work. She said that it wouldn’t be a problem and put the dates on her calendar.

Fast forward till now, just 3 weeks before my course. I was at my mothers cutting her grass. She has just asked me if I could change the dates when I am away. I said that obviously I can’t because it is a set date! She informed me that the friend she was going away with (the week before my course) for a few days can’t now go away on the date they had booked and the company they are traveling with said they could change the date to the week I was going to be away.

Now, I know dm has to have a life outside her family, but I am really annoyed with this, mainly because of the reason for the change. Apparently the friend she is going with has just been asked to collect a neighbours children from school (the week they were originally going away) and look after them until either she or her husband finish work and she has said she will. The company they were traveling with said that they can change to the week I was supposed to be away and friend has agreed to the change, meaning I now have nobody to look after my children, so can’t go on course. I am dreading telling my work I can’t now go and I will probably be given a warning, as the course was costing approx £800, plus over £200 accommodation. I will not be given a second chance to attend course and almost certainly will not be in line for any promotion in January!

I have told my dm how important the course is, but she has just said she is sorry but doesn’t want to lose her holiday. I have finished her grass, but didn’t go in after, as I know we will have an argument if I do. I feel like telling her to get someone else to run around cutting her grass, take her to appointments, get her shopping and all the other things I do for her. AIBU if I stop helping her.

OP posts:

WimpoleHat · 06/09/2021 19:06

Totally crap of your mother - and not unreasonable at all not to put her needs first next time…

In terms of what you can do:

Try in-laws. Explain the situation. See if they could come and stay and sort transport for them.
Speak to school and see if any space can be found in after school club.
Speak to parents of your kids’ friends. Ask if anyone can help out - strictly on the basis that you will reciprocate.
If worst comes to worst, throw some cash at an emergency nanny. Or find a local parents’ page and ask on there? Someone will be able to help.

Really hope you can sort it…

Beautiful3 · 06/09/2021 19:08

Honestly, I think your mum is wrong here. Can't they move it to a different week in another month?! The onus is on her friend really, because she changed it to accommodate a neighbour! Your.mum needs to step up.and say no, I can't do those new dates because I'm baby sitting my actual grand children! I feel you op, it's not nice being unsupported. Especially when you do so much for her already.

Morph2lcfc · 06/09/2021 19:09

@GettingItOutThere

she is being very unreasonable

but can your DH not take parental leave? or pay a childminder as a one off? or pay a parent? ask the school?

childcare.co.uk has nannys babysitters etc - i know its a cost but i can fully understand how important these courses are for promotion!

You need to read the full thread then you’d find out why not

ejhhhhh · 06/09/2021 19:09

YANBU. I'd be livid, and I'd tell my mum so in no uncertain terms. And I'd probably tell her to get a gardener. I'd still take her to appointments (it's not like you can easily pay someone to do that), but I'd stop the extra help that isn't absolutely necessary. I think your DH's parents are your best best for childcare, if your DH really can't do it. I most definitely wouldn't cancel your course before trying all alternative options, if what you're saying about the potential consequences is likely. If you did have to cancel your course, I'd tell your mum exactly what you've told us, and I probably wouldn't speak to her for a good while!

Tealwarrior · 06/09/2021 19:10

Op, I’m sorry your mum has done this. I’m a grandma myself and family always comes first. Please don’t cancel your course. Just do whatever it is you have to do to get childcare even if it means the kids having time off school to stay with your in-laws.

If I lived near you I’d come and babysit for you but I’m not even in the UK.

ToddlerLockdown · 06/09/2021 19:12

@Beautiful3

This!

You need to be firm with your mother and make it clear that she cannot go back on her commitment to you. Don’t be a martyr. Don’t just accept her going on holiday.

If she still refuses I would cook the whole relationship. She knows how important this is to you.

Original poster

Pleasedonotswear · 06/09/2021 19:13

@cookingisoverrated

I think if your inlaws can't have them, your DH should take the 2 days off entirely as personal days; long term wise, that is the best option for your family. You are in this together, and it shouldn't just be down to you jumping through all the childcare hoops when you work FT, too.

DH can’t take those days off, as he would be letting up to 20 people down. I currently work 6am till 2pm, so that I can be home for children finishing school. DH gets the children up dressed, breakfasted and drops them at school before he goes on to work. His work agreed to him starting 45 minutes late, as long as he makes the time up, so it isn’t just me that is left to sorting out the childcare. He definitely does his fair share of the childcare.

OP posts:

arethereanyleftatall · 06/09/2021 19:15

This thread is bonkers. Yup, your mum was unreasonable, but it's possibly because it never occurred to them how much drama could be made before finding any one of the hundreds of options available to you. This must happen to millions of parents every single day. I need childcare all the time for random stuff. Ok, husband out, fine. But your friends/your dc friends/sitters.com/Facebook/childminders/neighbours/other family are all perfectly normal options.
Surely parents just help each other out all the time? Just today I've had a WhatsApp from one friend to take her dd Thursday so she can take her other to the doctor. No problem. One WhatsApp and ive organised a sitter for my dc so I can go out Friday night. This is all really really basic standard stuff. No need for the 'I can't possibly do this course now' stuff.

Nancydrawn · 06/09/2021 19:16

Don't miss out on the chance for a serious promotion for a grand total of six hours of childcare.

As others have said, check with in-laws, other relatives, friends, parents of your kids' friends, and local responsible teens. And if you need to pay £25/hour for a professional babysitter (and it won't be that much), then pay it.

This really is two 3-hour afternoon playdates. You can't throw your future away for that.

ejhhhhh · 06/09/2021 19:16

Yeah ToddlerLockdown, I think DM should be cancelling the holiday too, if no alternative can be found.

Nancydrawn · 06/09/2021 19:17

PS: your mom is astonishingly self-centered. I'd pull right back on being helpful for a while. Not as punishment, but because one-sided relationships foster resentment and anger.

andweallsingalong · 06/09/2021 19:18

Try local nurseries OP 2 of ours do afterschool pick up with a later finish than the schools clubs and split the schools between them. Usually need a weeks notice for staffing.

MrTumblesSpottyHag · 06/09/2021 19:19

Wow this would massively piss me off.
Please don't cancel though, I'd have someone else's kids after school for two days if I found out they were in your position- even if I barely knew them. Ask around.

RichardMarxisinnocent · 06/09/2021 19:19

@2bazookas

Its only two days after-school care. I'd ask a classmates mother, or pay a local student/teenager. Or get DH to develop covid symptoms and have to stay home.

Also DM would be feeling my wrath; what a shitty reason to dump a promise.

Are you really suggesting that her DH fakes being ill, thus resulting in a training course for 20 people potentially having to be cancelled, and then probably rebooked? Some of those 20 people may well have had to make their own childcare arrangements to attend, and would have to make them all over again for the rescheduled date. Or perhaps they have a deadline by which they have to have done the training (maybe for a promotion, just like the OP) . Do you really it's ok for her DH to let them down?

Zombiemum1946 · 06/09/2021 19:20

I agree with others, ask the in laws if they would stay over for a couple of nights to help out. If you haven't got space, offer to pay for accommodation. If it gets really desperate can the kids go for a couple of days to them? Take out a credit card 0% interest and go for it.

saya000 · 06/09/2021 19:21

how about asking school friends if they could have the kids over for the night, a sleepover or until your DH gets home. you could then repay it back for a date of their choice.
another option is, asking your neighbour to help you out on this occasion.
or you could ask a favour from your in laws to stay over and look after the children. if that doesn't work, maybe pre booking an Uber/taxi car for them to pick the kids up after school.
If you call the cab company upfront, they maybe be able to offer you a reduced rate.

FinallyFluid · 06/09/2021 19:21

If she starts bleating the next time you see her, you just say, you do what your conscience tells you.

Works every time with my DS.

Mary46 · 06/09/2021 19:22

Try a school mum op. Ah its crap. My mum was useless never any help. But that works both ways give and take.

SecretKeeper1 · 06/09/2021 19:23

Just ask another parent and offer to return the favour one day. If you have two in school and do daily pick ups, surely you must know someone you can ask.

Meanwhile, I’d be pissed off with your mum too. Be slightly less available until it’s blown over.

Windintrees · 06/09/2021 19:24

Do you have a cleaner? Would she do it for the extra money?

thelastgoldeneagle · 06/09/2021 19:26

Oh, op, that's really difficult. Your mum has let you down badly, and I think you should say to her, why should you give up your time for her If she can't be arsed to prioritise you? I hope you can find a solution.

OneMoreStitch · 06/09/2021 19:27

YANBU to be less easily available to help her, imo. She's done it to you! I wouldn't stop all help, but I wouldn't put myself out as much for her, after this.

MojoMoon · 06/09/2021 19:27

Childcare agency, website like sitters - just pay someone to do it if you can beg a favour off a school parent and really don't know anyone else to pay to do it.

Your kids will survive a few hours of being looked after by a new babysitter. It'll cost a bit more than normal - emergency locum babysitters do but it will be well worth it to get promoted

Do not cancel going on the course.

Park the fact your mum is being a bit rude for now and focus on the course

Popitdontstopit · 06/09/2021 19:27

I wonder if it is having help from parents that makes some people rather helpless when it comes to childcare! Imagine your first thought being to cancel this important training . Facebook local, class WhatsApp, sitters.com. Gumtree even. There is a lot you can try.

DancyNancy · 06/09/2021 19:29

Send the kids to in laws if they can't cone to stay with ye. The kids miss 2 or 3 days of school.....no biggie in the scheme of things

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