DM’s holiday change to suit friend.

[Pleasedonotswear]

First, I want to say that I do not expect my mother to childmind my children on a regular basis, but I do occasionally ask if she is able to help out in special circumstances. I also do a lot to help her on a regular basis, so don’t feel that I am taking advantage of her.

Two months ago my employer asked me to go on a training course, which would definitely help my promotion prospects (I know there is a higher position coming up in January, which I was hoping to get). I asked my dm if she would be able to look after my children after school 2 days that week until my dh was finished work. She said that it wouldn’t be a problem and put the dates on her calendar.

Fast forward till now, just 3 weeks before my course. I was at my mothers cutting her grass. She has just asked me if I could change the dates when I am away. I said that obviously I can’t because it is a set date! She informed me that the friend she was going away with (the week before my course) for a few days can’t now go away on the date they had booked and the company they are traveling with said they could change the date to the week I was going to be away.

Now, I know dm has to have a life outside her family, but I am really annoyed with this, mainly because of the reason for the change. Apparently the friend she is going with has just been asked to collect a neighbours children from school (the week they were originally going away) and look after them until either she or her husband finish work and she has said she will. The company they were traveling with said that they can change to the week I was supposed to be away and friend has agreed to the change, meaning I now have nobody to look after my children, so can’t go on course. I am dreading telling my work I can’t now go and I will probably be given a warning, as the course was costing approx £800, plus over £200 accommodation. I will not be given a second chance to attend course and almost certainly will not be in line for any promotion in January!

I have told my dm how important the course is, but she has just said she is sorry but doesn’t want to lose her holiday. I have finished her grass, but didn’t go in after, as I know we will have an argument if I do. I feel like telling her to get someone else to run around cutting her grass, take her to appointments, get her shopping and all the other things I do for her. AIBU if I stop helping her.

Right @Pleasedonotswear calm down - your understandable anger with your DM is clouding your judgment here.

Stop. Breathe. Think.

You must not cancel your training course. You must not tell your employer there is a problem. These would both be used as reasons not to promote you.

You have to problem-solve this, even if it costs you £££.

Try friends, neighbours, kids’ friends’ parents.
Try local nanny agencies, childminders.
Post on Facebook asking for recommended emergency childcare
Call sitters.co.uk

Or book a taxi to bring your DH’s parents to collect the kids and take them home again later.

In terms of your DM, you must tell her how this has impacted you, not just practically and financially, but also emotionally. If this is a one off example of poor judgment on her part, I would then let it go. But if this is part of a pattern, YWNBU to reduce your support of her, either temporarily or permanently. Your primary responsibility is to yourself, your own husband and your kids.

I see hubby can't take any more time ....
What sort of time would husband be picking the children up ?

Parents of children's friends
Anyone at school ...a known adult...dinner lady....nursery assistant..a TA ...might help for payment ?
Contact a nanny / babysitting agency
Do any other after school clubs pick up from your school ?

OP do not cancel the course. If DH's parents are not working, pick them up the weekend before so they can stay at yours and look after your kids. Or if not too far away DH can drive up and get them the night before

If I were you I would step back from putting yourself out to help your mum. It works both ways. She made a commitment to you which should have been prioritised

@Pleasedonotswear I am so sorry that your mother has done this to you. Please do not cancel the course.

Whereabouts in the country are you? Could you use an emergency after school nanny through childcare.co.uk until your DH can get home?

Could the kids be "sick" those 2 days and your in laws have them at their house? That way there's no panicking about getting them there.

I think your DM is completely in the wrong here, but DO NOT give up the training and your chance of promotion because of this.
Ask around at school, I'd help out if I could.

@NameChange2PostThis

Right *@Pleasedonotswear* calm down - your understandable anger with your DM is clouding your judgment here.

Stop. Breathe. Think.

You must not cancel your training course. You must not tell your employer there is a problem. These would both be used as reasons not to promote you.

You have to problem-solve this, even if it costs you £££.

Try friends, neighbours, kids’ friends’ parents.
Try local nanny agencies, childminders.
Post on Facebook asking for recommended emergency childcare
Call sitters.co.uk

Or book a taxi to bring your DH’s parents to collect the kids and take them home again later.

In terms of your DM, you must tell her how this has impacted you, not just practically and financially, but also emotionally. If this is a one off example of poor judgment on her part, I would then let it go. But if this is part of a pattern, YWNBU to reduce your support of her, either temporarily or permanently. Your primary responsibility is to yourself, your own husband and your kids.

All of the above.

DH might have to take time off unpaid here.

I would confront my DM here. But I would stick to the facts -Mum I asked your 4 weeks ago to pick the kids up on this date and this date. You agreed. You have now cancelled and this me and employer in a difficult position not to mention it being unprofessional.

I am really disappointed and stressed that you have done this to our family and it is causing considerable stress to organise an alternative.

FACTS.

If and when she replies -grey rock.

Repeat the above on a loop.

My parents used to do stuff like this all the time but they normally started with - you know we planned to see you at Christmas, you don't if............. and if I got upset or anything I was told 'ok then right then ruin everything we will come to you at Christmas if you aren't flexible' knowing then I couldn't bear to have them there. etc

Ask kids' friends parents as an absolute "one-off".

You have 3 weeks to arrange a childminder, call around or ask friends/family to help.

@Lulu1919

Could hubby take a day or half day for one of the day and ask a friend if they could have a play date the other day ?

He can't, he is running a training course for 20 people.

Where are you ?

There are agencies that deal with temp nannies - I was one for a while

It’s 3w time. You will find someone but will obv be paid childcare

Or ask on your local fb page any nannies who are free

I’m admin on a local group for nannies and babysitters

So your mum has prioritised her friend over you, in effect?

Yeah, that would have implications for our ongoing relationship for sure. I'd be so livid, I would definitely not be available to help for a few weeks – not for ever, but her actions need to have consequences for her like they have for you.

@Greystray

AIBU if I stop helping her is a pretty shitty comment

I don't agree.

She's just fucked her daughter over in favour of her friend doing a favour for her neighbours. I wouldn't even ask AIBU. She's been a dick and she should know it.

Yip...

YANBU

I hope your DH can leave work early or take leave 🌸

Your husband can invite his parents to stay at your house for those days and look after the children. Please don’t say that you don’t have a spare bedroom - your children can bunk in with you or sleep on the sofa.

Or any of the other excellent suggestions you’ve been given on this thread.

@diddl

"Surely it’s obvious the Op wouldn’t be asking her mum if husband was able to do it."

I'd hazard a guess that quite a few women ask Mum before asking husband to rearrange work.

Surely it depends on the nature of his work? How many here would be happy of their child's teacher disappeared on random occasions for example? As a grandmother I feel she has behaved appallingly badly, we were once 'booked in' on a bit of grandparenting duty and then got allocated tickets for HIGNFY, no question, we declined the tickets.

@Popitdontstopit I was thinking the same - we are at least a 7 hour journey from my ILs and my parents live on another continent, I have had to put together an extensive jigsaw of childcare emergency and non-emergency options that I maintain precisely because neither DH nor I have family nearby - I try hard to get to know the parents of my kids' friends, for example, even though I work full time so it's often purely on WhatsApp.

Don't give up OP! I'd try and message your kids' best friends parents to have them until your DH can pick them up. I'm sure someone will have them for you, I would if our kids were in a class together!

Try a temp nanny agency. As others have said this is one of those times to be extravagant rather than cancel.

Also, of course your mum is being incredibly unreasonable. I’m sorry she’s been shit.

I have spoken to dh’s parents. They really don’t want to come and stay, as fil does need his adjustable bed. Mil was very apologetic and did say that she could try and get a neighbour to help fil out and she would come herself. I did say that wouldn’t be fair on them, as I know mil really doesn’t want to leave fil, but doesn’t want to let me down. What a difference her reaction is, to that of my own ‘d’m! Mil said they would be delighted to have the dcs to stay for the 2 days, if I can’t sort anything else out. So my dcs may have to be ‘sick’ for 2 days, but I am going to the course…..and hopefully I will get that promotion!

Good to hear you are going to find a way to make it work.
I would also look at arrangements moving forward so you don’t have to face this again. Find some paid help you can call on in an emergency and use it a couple of times as a practice run. Start networking with other parents so you can help each other out
And good luck for the promotion.

but I am going to the course…..and hopefully I will get that promotion!

Get that promotion and tell mum she is going to need to pay someone to do her gardening and to get taxis to the supermarket.

Don’t be so upset with your mum that you stop trying to find a solution. You have every right to be very upset; I would be too. I wouldn't be in a hurry to help her anymore. You still have time to find someone to fill in if your husband can’t. Focus on that then deal with mum later.

Thats good that you have a backup plan if you cannot get anyone local to have your children after school for the 2 days. For such an important course I would not think twice about sending them to your PIL if you have no other option. Missing school for two days is not the end of the world and as you say a totally different attitude to your DM. I hope you get the promotion.

💐

How disappointing of your mum. Putting her friend and her friend’s neighbours before you. I would take a step back from your mum for the moment. If your kids are quite young, then perhaps a couple of sick days won’t harm them, if you can’t get a school mum to help you out.

Seriously look at sitter.com. When i had a childcare let down previously, there were quite a few options at short notice to get someone to come and look after the children at your house until your DH gets home.

They were mostly mid 50s early 60s women who were probably a bit bored. They were great and my son really didn't mind having randoms looking after them. Total cost I think was around £10 an hour. You could even do a trial run with the sitter to check they were ok. Max cost £100. offset against the promotion and (probable) pay rise.

There are options