DM’s holiday change to suit friend.

[Pleasedonotswear]

First, I want to say that I do not expect my mother to childmind my children on a regular basis, but I do occasionally ask if she is able to help out in special circumstances. I also do a lot to help her on a regular basis, so don’t feel that I am taking advantage of her.

Two months ago my employer asked me to go on a training course, which would definitely help my promotion prospects (I know there is a higher position coming up in January, which I was hoping to get). I asked my dm if she would be able to look after my children after school 2 days that week until my dh was finished work. She said that it wouldn’t be a problem and put the dates on her calendar.

Fast forward till now, just 3 weeks before my course. I was at my mothers cutting her grass. She has just asked me if I could change the dates when I am away. I said that obviously I can’t because it is a set date! She informed me that the friend she was going away with (the week before my course) for a few days can’t now go away on the date they had booked and the company they are traveling with said they could change the date to the week I was going to be away.

Now, I know dm has to have a life outside her family, but I am really annoyed with this, mainly because of the reason for the change. Apparently the friend she is going with has just been asked to collect a neighbours children from school (the week they were originally going away) and look after them until either she or her husband finish work and she has said she will. The company they were traveling with said that they can change to the week I was supposed to be away and friend has agreed to the change, meaning I now have nobody to look after my children, so can’t go on course. I am dreading telling my work I can’t now go and I will probably be given a warning, as the course was costing approx £800, plus over £200 accommodation. I will not be given a second chance to attend course and almost certainly will not be in line for any promotion in January!

I have told my dm how important the course is, but she has just said she is sorry but doesn’t want to lose her holiday. I have finished her grass, but didn’t go in after, as I know we will have an argument if I do. I feel like telling her to get someone else to run around cutting her grass, take her to appointments, get her shopping and all the other things I do for her. AIBU if I stop helping her.

Is there a school whatsapp - could you ask on there if anyone can do you a favour, offer to pay or reciprocate by taking their kids out one staurday or something What about your children's friends - do you know any of their parents to ask ?
I mean essentially you are just asking the equivalent of a playdate after school on 2 days.
Or ask the school - they may be able to squeeze you in at ASC just for a couple of days.
Basically just ask anyone you can think of - most people don't mind doing a couple of days after school care- its not much bother really, people often like having other kids round for their kids to play.

I think your Mum is being very selfish - you don't go back on a promise. The person she should have said no to is the friend when she wanted to change the dates. Why on earth did her friend agree to do childcare for a neighbour when she'd already booked a holiday - she must be stupid.

YANBU

Don’t cancel course. Do cancel helping your mum out.

yes its a cardinal imo to not stick with what you've agreed to do especially when its something so sensitive like family and your daughter's career!! but you I think should give her then chance to re-think ,.calmly as pps have said

Why are people always ready to jump on the husband on these sort of threads. All those so predictable “can’t the husband help out”..... before anyone knows the full circumstances. Surely it’s obvious the Op wouldn’t be asking her mum if husband was able to do it. Its like people are determined/want to think the worst of the man before they have any idea what’s what.

I think I would tell your DM that work are making you pay for the course you are missing.

Really, I would ask the inlaws to stay over as a special favour.

@smittenkittten

Why are people always ready to jump on the husband on these sort of threads. All those so predictable “can’t the husband help out”..... before anyone knows the full circumstances. Surely it’s obvious the Op wouldn’t be asking her mum if husband was able to do it. Its like people are determined/want to think the worst of the man before they have any idea what’s what.

Because lots of dads don't pull their weight irl, and see looking after their own children as 'helping'. People assumed that might be happening hear until OP clarified HTH

Can your DH speak to work about this? There must be other people who can pick up the training? It can't hurt to ask.

Failing that, I call a nanny agency. There are plenty that supply emergency nannies and I've used them before when all else has failed. It's bloody expensive but you only need 2 half days so worth the cost (and maybe ask your mum for a contribution...)

"Surely it’s obvious the Op wouldn’t be asking her mum if husband was able to do it."

I'd hazard a guess that quite a few women ask Mum before asking husband to rearrange work.

Also OP, once you have childcare sorted(because you can't cancel the course, just don't consider that an option) the next 3 weeks when there's phone calls or requests for help "I can't DM, I'm too busy ringing around childcare agencies/babysitters/mates for favours and preparing for my course, I haven't time for xyz". Even if you're sorted tomorrow, let her realise how she's dropped you in it.

@diddl and quite a few don't, and OP hasn't.

[quote RazorSharp]@diddl and quite a few don't, and OP hasn't.

[/quote]
Did you actually read the thread?

Are there any teaching assistants at the school who might like some casual childcare work. Anyone with an au pair, or nanny who might be interested in extra pay for looking after your DC. Do neighbours have sensible teenagers, who could pick them up from school. Or a mum who might be interested in a babysitting swap. You help her when she needs some child care.

That said, I would be very cross. Sad really. Your mum has shown her true colours. It won’t be as easy to happily help her out when she needs it.

Yes I did and @HannaHanna and OP says he is doing two days but can't do the others as he is teaching a course.

Did you read the thread?

*DH IS doing his bit. He is collecting dcs on other 2 days, but can’t finish early the 2 days I asked dm to help out.

I wouldn’t have agreed to attend course if dm said she couldn’t help out.*

It’s a shitty situation. Do you have class
WhatsApp groups? I’d ask for advice on there. I know for certain that if somebody asked on my groups we’d come up with a solution for you. People would know childminders or babysitters or offer themselves. I really don’t think that you should cancel your own training opportunity.

Is there any local facebook groups where you might find a childminder or nanny to help.

I'd struggle to not tell my mum off for putting me out like this when she knows how important something is.

Very annoying of dm

But

Can’t you pay for childcare via a temp nanny or CM or afterschool club

Ask a mum from school to collect and return play date

Op thats lousy. No I wouldnt rush to do her errands either. Could u ask a school mam. Is it just a few days you need? Its really mean saying yes and then she goes back on her word.

Its only two days after-school care. I'd ask a classmates mother, or pay a local student/teenager. Or get DH to develop covid symptoms and have to stay home.

Also DM would be feeling my wrath; what a shitty reason to dump a promise.

I’m sorry your mother has let you down like this and understand you must feel hurt.

In all honesty I would try begging a friend to help or if worst came to worst perhaps DH feels terrible and requires a covid test and his results take 48 hrs to turn up…

Please go on your course. Try friends with elder children you trust who could do a few hours till your husband gets back. Try alternatives. Sounds like your DH has done what he can (late notice my DH could not magic up half days etc). Your "d"M has let you down big time

This is partly why we always paid for nurseries, childminders, after school clubs and my DM paid for her gardeners and any practical help needed etc. Too entwined otherwise. I wouldn't expect my adult DC with busy working lives and families of their own to be doing my chores.

Ask at the school wraparound (the one that is full) if they have any staff not working those days who want any additional work. They could collect the children and take them home for your husband. I would also try and get on the waiting list so that you have at least some regular childcare so that you don't have to rely on your mum.

she is being very unreasonable

but can your DH not take parental leave? or pay a childminder as a one off? or pay a parent? ask the school?

childcare.co.uk has nannys babysitters etc - i know its a cost but i can fully understand how important these courses are for promotion!

When we had a childcare emergency (I was in another city for work and MIL was taken into hospital) I asked DD’s best friend’s parents if they could have her after school and give her tea, and they were happy to help- we’ve often done similar things for them over the years. Do your DC have friends you would be happy for them to go home with?

Do NOT cancel the course. Hire a babysitter.