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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DM’s holiday change to suit friend.

554 replies

Pleasedonotswear · 06/09/2021 17:13

First, I want to say that I do not expect my mother to childmind my children on a regular basis, but I do occasionally ask if she is able to help out in special circumstances. I also do a lot to help her on a regular basis, so don’t feel that I am taking advantage of her.

Two months ago my employer asked me to go on a training course, which would definitely help my promotion prospects (I know there is a higher position coming up in January, which I was hoping to get). I asked my dm if she would be able to look after my children after school 2 days that week until my dh was finished work. She said that it wouldn’t be a problem and put the dates on her calendar.

Fast forward till now, just 3 weeks before my course. I was at my mothers cutting her grass. She has just asked me if I could change the dates when I am away. Confused I said that obviously I can’t because it is a set date! She informed me that the friend she was going away with (the week before my course) for a few days can’t now go away on the date they had booked and the company they are traveling with said they could change the date to the week I was going to be away.

Now, I know dm has to have a life outside her family, but I am really annoyed with this, mainly because of the reason for the change. Apparently the friend she is going with has just been asked to collect a neighbours children from school (the week they were originally going away) and look after them until either she or her husband finish work and she has said she will. The company they were traveling with said that they can change to the week I was supposed to be away and friend has agreed to the change, meaning I now have nobody to look after my children, so can’t go on course. I am dreading telling my work I can’t now go and I will probably be given a warning, as the course was costing approx £800, plus over £200 accommodation. I will not be given a second chance to attend course and almost certainly will not be in line for any promotion in January!

I have told my dm how important the course is, but she has just said she is sorry but doesn’t want to lose her holiday. I have finished her grass, but didn’t go in after, as I know we will have an argument if I do. I feel like telling her to get someone else to run around cutting her grass, take her to appointments, get her shopping and all the other things I do for her. AIBU if I stop helping her.

OP posts:
Thatsjustwhatithink · 07/09/2021 20:05

@Pleasedonotswear

Urgh OP. You and your husband are responsible for your children not your mother. Your husband should take A/L. If your course means promotion then it's worth it.

Why is the burden being placed on your mother (female) rather than your husband (male) who helped make the babies?? We all know why.

You've had loads if suggestions but you just seem to be gunning for your mum. Not nice.

saraclara · 07/09/2021 20:13

[quote Thatsjustwhatithink]@Pleasedonotswear

Urgh OP. You and your husband are responsible for your children not your mother. Your husband should take A/L. If your course means promotion then it's worth it.

Why is the burden being placed on your mother (female) rather than your husband (male) who helped make the babies?? We all know why.

You've had loads if suggestions but you just seem to be gunning for your mum. Not nice.[/quote]
Oh for goodness' sake. If you can't be bothered to read the thread, at least read OP's posts.

Hint: that 'see all' link at the bottom of the OP is the gadget that will prevent you from embarrassing yourself in the future.

Idontknowanymore1 · 07/09/2021 20:13

I’d be really annoyed too as the plans were made with you first and understand you DH is doing his part best he can. Are you friends with any parents , lots of my sons schools did childcare so you could ask around to see if anyone can cover after school those 2 days and pay them? ..
or put the feelers out with neighbours with older children to babysit ?? Collect, feed and stay with until DH get homes ??
Don’t give up just ask around people are more willing to help then you think x

Loki01 · 07/09/2021 20:25

@Tealwarrior

Well I wouldn't for a while...
We must have very different relationships with our mums. Mine isn't really a mum. Kicked me out of the house, locked food away from me etc. So please don't lecture me on how the cookie crumbles.

We are not talking about taking care of her as such. Its more like moving a lawn...etc.....

thenovice · 07/09/2021 20:25

"If your friend's neighbour's children take precedence over your own grandchildren, you must not be surprised if my friend's neighbour's grandma takes precedence over you."
"You are certainly not obliged to help me, but to let me down after promising to do so is very mean and will have a huge impact on my life."

victoriaspongecake · 07/09/2021 20:26

Employ an emergency nanny.

Thatsjustwhatithink · 07/09/2021 20:26

@saraclara

I did read them all but came to the same conclusion.

The reality is that the OP and her husband both have to work. In this case the OP is doing a course that could improve her future prospects so should trump the husbands normal course. But it hasn't, because she (and a fair few other posters) don't seem to accept that all the husband has to do is go in to work and say :

"My wife has an incredibly important career course. Our childcare has fallen through. I need to pick up the slack here because this is about her future. I will be putting in for A/L or special unpaid leave- it's that important"

But for some reason we expect the women to drop what ever they are doing for the childcare. Bollocks to that.

Thatsjustwhatithink · 07/09/2021 20:30

I also don't understand why husband "can't cancel at the late stage" but OP could. He could cancel. He is choosing not too. He is ledting you lose out on your future because he won't explain at work how he is also responsible for his children.

Basically because society always defaults to childcare being a woman's issue and any male career being more important.

G5000 · 07/09/2021 20:30

I did read them all but came to the same conclusion.
The reality is that the OP and her husband both have to work. In this case the OP is doing a course that could improve her future prospects so should trump the husbands normal course.

You missed the part about husband being the trainer and having dozens of people booked on his course.

Thatsjustwhatithink · 07/09/2021 20:34

@g5000

No I didn't. It's not relavant.

So what? Why is his more important? If he was ill what would happen? He is choosing to work over his wife's future career prospects.

Thehappygardener · 07/09/2021 20:36

So pleased that your in laws can help. Good result.

Foquita · 07/09/2021 20:42

I think you’re being unreasonable. It’s only two afternoons so can’t you find alternative care or even pay for childcare? You should feel fortunate that you’re able to rely on your mum occasionally and not expect her to look after your children if you cut her grass etc. she’s your mum after all.

Wildheartsease · 07/09/2021 20:54

You could always offer to cut her neighbour's grass instead of hers!

HeadNorth · 07/09/2021 20:54

@Foquita

I think you’re being unreasonable. It’s only two afternoons so can’t you find alternative care or even pay for childcare? You should feel fortunate that you’re able to rely on your mum occasionally and not expect her to look after your children if you cut her grass etc. she’s your mum after all.
But the point is, she can't rely on her mum. If the mum had said at the outset she couldn't do it, OP wouldn't have chosen that date to go on the course/ her DH wouldn't have booked himself into deliver training.

The mum's reason for flaking out on her commitment is pathetic - she should be ashamed. I would let her know exactly how much she had let you down - and that actions have consequences.

G5000 · 07/09/2021 20:55

[quote Thatsjustwhatithink]@g5000

No I didn't. It's not relavant.

So what? Why is his more important? If he was ill what would happen? He is choosing to work over his wife's future career prospects.[/quote]
well yes if he died they would indeed need to cancel the course, but it's not the case. And dropping a few dozen people randomly will not help OP's DH's career, will it.
The case is that OP had perfectly good childcare arrangement set up, which is now cancelled because of sitter's friend's neighbour's children. Shitty thing to do, no matter if the sitter in question is man, woman or identifying as a horse.

saraclara · 07/09/2021 20:58

[quote Thatsjustwhatithink]@saraclara

I did read them all but came to the same conclusion.

The reality is that the OP and her husband both have to work. In this case the OP is doing a course that could improve her future prospects so should trump the husbands normal course. But it hasn't, because she (and a fair few other posters) don't seem to accept that all the husband has to do is go in to work and say :

"My wife has an incredibly important career course. Our childcare has fallen through. I need to pick up the slack here because this is about her future. I will be putting in for A/L or special unpaid leave- it's that important"

But for some reason we expect the women to drop what ever they are doing for the childcare. Bollocks to that.[/quote]
If a woman posted that her husband had insisted that she take LOA to cover three hours of childcare on two days, thus letting down 40 people who had had to make their own childcare and professional cover arrangements to attend the courses she was running, do you really think MNers would back him up and say that of course she should risk her job and her reputation to do so, when the husband could find childcare elsewhere if he bothered to try?

Of course they wouldn't. OP's isn't a male/female problem. Her DH is doing his share. It's her (female) DM who has let her down. And being so unprofessional would risk her DH's job.

Likewise someone posting here to say that they'd gone to huge trouble to attend some training and then the male trainer cancelled at short notice to do three hours childcare, would also get a ton of sympathy and cries of 'typical male to let people down because he couldn't sort out his own childcare'.

Nc123 · 07/09/2021 21:00

Literally can’t believe some of these comments.

It’s not about OP’s husband not doing his bit - she’s explained that he can’t help on those days and why.

It’s not about OP expecting her mum to help out.

It’s about the fact that OP made an arrangement with her mum which her mum has now changed after the fact, because mum friend is doing a favour for someone else. That is not on. If OP had made this arrangement with a friend instead of her mum and the same thing happened, all these commenters would be saying (and rightly) that friend was out of line. You don’t cancel an agreed arrangement on someone who’s depending on you.

Morgysmum · 07/09/2021 21:05

Hi, I see you have said your DH parents would have them, but they don't drive and live a distance away.
Could they come to your house on the days you are away and stay at yours. Say the 2 days are Monday and Tuesday. They come to yours on the Sunday night, then they can collect them from school.
It might be a squash, but could that help you?

MargosKaftan · 07/09/2021 21:05

Glad you have the PIL lined up as a solid plan B.

Id message a ass WhatsApp group and ask if anyone could recommend a childminder /babysitter who might be able to help out as you are on a course and dh is able to cover 3 days, but your mum has just found out she's unable to cover the other 2 she had offered. You might get recommendations- or if my dcs got on with yours, I might offer to have them.

Tealwarrior · 07/09/2021 21:17

So please don't lecture me on how the cookie crumbles

Stop being silly. You asked a question and I answered.

ShinyHappyPeopleHoldingHaands · 07/09/2021 21:29

The problem with people doing favours for you.. even grandparents looking after grandchildren.. is they they can withdraw those favours if they want/choose/need to and there not a lot you can do about it, expectation wise.

My ex MIL used to babysit DS1 for half the week many years ago and then decided she wanted to spend quality time with her youngest DS (my then BIL) before he went off the secondary school hence “couldn’t” look after DS for those weeks. Left us high and dry childcare wise and nothing could be done short of causing a big family rift.

pollymere · 07/09/2021 21:35

You'd be surprised who'll step up in an emergency. My next door neighbour took mine in when I was unexpectedly caught out, friends have taken them home etc. Let your friends know you need two days of after school care and see what offers you get. Offer to pay or cover snacks. You are likely to get fined if your kids are "sick", sorry.

CiaoEB · 07/09/2021 21:44

It’s tough but it’s actually a good lesson to know you can’t rely on her in an emergency. Knowing that as a fact let’s you put systems in place where you won’t have this problem in the future. We’ve now managed to build up a network of paid care options through after school care where the staff also do child minding outside those hours. It’s handy because there’s always someone who can step up, you’re not left feeling vulnerable. Hope you sort out something and make it to your course, good luck!

Erwhatno · 07/09/2021 21:58

Sorry op that’s rubbish if her

Foquita · 07/09/2021 22:00

@Nc123

Literally can’t believe some of these comments.

It’s not about OP’s husband not doing his bit - she’s explained that he can’t help on those days and why.

It’s not about OP expecting her mum to help out.

It’s about the fact that OP made an arrangement with her mum which her mum has now changed after the fact, because mum friend is doing a favour for someone else. That is not on. If OP had made this arrangement with a friend instead of her mum and the same thing happened, all these commenters would be saying (and rightly) that friend was out of line. You don’t cancel an agreed arrangement on someone who’s depending on you.

I honestly don’t see why the OP can’t find childcare. It obviously depends on the relationship she has with her mum and if her mum is used to let her down. It’s either the OP finds childcare or the mum looses her holiday.