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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DM’s holiday change to suit friend.

554 replies

Pleasedonotswear · 06/09/2021 17:13

First, I want to say that I do not expect my mother to childmind my children on a regular basis, but I do occasionally ask if she is able to help out in special circumstances. I also do a lot to help her on a regular basis, so don’t feel that I am taking advantage of her.

Two months ago my employer asked me to go on a training course, which would definitely help my promotion prospects (I know there is a higher position coming up in January, which I was hoping to get). I asked my dm if she would be able to look after my children after school 2 days that week until my dh was finished work. She said that it wouldn’t be a problem and put the dates on her calendar.

Fast forward till now, just 3 weeks before my course. I was at my mothers cutting her grass. She has just asked me if I could change the dates when I am away. Confused I said that obviously I can’t because it is a set date! She informed me that the friend she was going away with (the week before my course) for a few days can’t now go away on the date they had booked and the company they are traveling with said they could change the date to the week I was going to be away.

Now, I know dm has to have a life outside her family, but I am really annoyed with this, mainly because of the reason for the change. Apparently the friend she is going with has just been asked to collect a neighbours children from school (the week they were originally going away) and look after them until either she or her husband finish work and she has said she will. The company they were traveling with said that they can change to the week I was supposed to be away and friend has agreed to the change, meaning I now have nobody to look after my children, so can’t go on course. I am dreading telling my work I can’t now go and I will probably be given a warning, as the course was costing approx £800, plus over £200 accommodation. I will not be given a second chance to attend course and almost certainly will not be in line for any promotion in January!

I have told my dm how important the course is, but she has just said she is sorry but doesn’t want to lose her holiday. I have finished her grass, but didn’t go in after, as I know we will have an argument if I do. I feel like telling her to get someone else to run around cutting her grass, take her to appointments, get her shopping and all the other things I do for her. AIBU if I stop helping her.

OP posts:
Rachand23 · 07/09/2021 18:47

Yes mum is being a pain. Ask another parent and be prepared to pay them.

LuluJakey1 · 07/09/2021 18:47

Send the children to stay with PIL for a few days - nice treat.

IveGotASongThatllGetOnYNerves · 07/09/2021 18:47

Can you in laws have them at their house?
Yes, it's not ideal but it's 2 days off school rather than missing a course that could lead to a promotion that would benefit the whole family.
I'd do it in a heartbeat if the only other option was missing the course

Monstermunch67 · 07/09/2021 18:49

My DM was exactly the same, wanted me to drop everything to suit her needs or those of my sisters and poured on the emotional blackmail if me or my family didn't jump to. It was a different story if I ever asked her to help us out in any way though. Even visits were cancelled because someone else wanted her for something at that particular time on that particular day. It stung every single time.

Delatron · 07/09/2021 18:51

Sitters and childcare.co.U.K. are all checked and vetted. I got very used to have strangers look after my children. With no family help you have to. Quite often you get the same sitter a few times so they get to know them.

It really is worth sorting out childcare back ups if you can’t rely on family.

Disfordarkchocolate · 07/09/2021 18:54

God I'd be bloody annoying, some people just don't value their daughter's job. It's usually accompanied by thinking also have plenty of time to run around after them with shopping etc.

It's definitely time to network with other school parents or find a local teen who you trust. You will not be the only parent who has this issue.

3luckystars · 07/09/2021 18:59

Make sure you tell your mother how cross we all are at her.

You really do need a babysitter though!

vickylou78 · 07/09/2021 19:00

If your parents in law can have the children for the 2 days and there aren't other options I would just book them off school for the 2 days. Would be unauthorized absence probably but that's fine as the school don't have to tell council until you've missed about 10 sessions at school.
You have to do what you have to do sometimes!
I would be super cross with my mother if she did this though!!

Hertsgirl10 · 07/09/2021 19:03

I would definitely not bother helping her even just for a little while, so she can see what it’s like being let down last minute. Let her friends neighbour ferry her around for a bit since her kids are a priority 😂

I hate situations like this!! I have had this so many times with family members to the point I know I can only rely on my husband in this world cos he’s the only person that has never once let me down.

Find a childminder for the 2 days, there’s a website full of them that you can put your postcode and find local ones. I have spoken to a couple yesterday and seems for some reason they have lots of spaces this year, not sure why. Do you have a friend that might help out or neighbour?

Don’t cancel the course unless there’s absolutely no other choice, good luck I hope you sort it.

ivegotdreadfulpmttoday · 07/09/2021 19:11

I would absolutely have to tell my mum how badly she had let me down if this happened to me.

I feel really sad for you.

Zombiemum1946 · 07/09/2021 19:20

He's taking 2 days off but is running a training course for 20 people on the other 2 days.

JonSnowIsALoser · 07/09/2021 19:26

Couldn't you take your children out of school for two days and have them stay with your in-laws? Desperate times call for desperate measures - either tell the school they got ill, or pay the fine for unauthorisef absence. It will be less than your employer losing £100s for the training course and you losing your standing at work.

JonSnowIsALoser · 07/09/2021 19:27

... Maybe your mother could pay the school fine by way of apology.

Jeannie88 · 07/09/2021 19:28

I can understand why you're annoyed, especially as its the same reason her friend changed the dates! However I do feel there are going to be times when plans do change after agreeing to favours so don't be too harsh. I've never had the option of having my dc looked after and always had to use clubs and wrap around care so this is an option or dh takes time off. X

Yogalola · 07/09/2021 19:32

After school club or get husband to see if he can take a few hours each day holiday while you’re away. You shouldn’t fall out with your mother over this.

Feedingthebirds1 · 07/09/2021 19:39

this is an option or dh takes time off.

or get husband to see if he can take a few hours each day holiday while you’re away.

I give up!

AdobeWanKenobi · 07/09/2021 19:41

@Yogalola

After school club or get husband to see if he can take a few hours each day holiday while you’re away. You shouldn’t fall out with your mother over this.
We need a head/desk emoji dont we really??
Iwanttobeapaperbackwriter · 07/09/2021 19:49

Only read your posts but if your children are young enough to need someone to sit with them after school they are certainly young enough to not suffer if they stay with grandparents for a couple of days, so I think this is a reasonable option if you can't find another. But please do not cancel the course, its so important longer term.

Julie21255 · 07/09/2021 19:49

Some of these comments slating your mother for rearranging her holiday dates are spiteful and heartless. The children that need looking after are your childten. I know it's unfortunate but these things happen and your Mum is stuck between a rock and a hard place. Your mother probably made many sacrifices when she was raising you and didn't have the opportunity to air her grievances over social media. As for the attitude " I do so much for her" it's not a nice trait. She's your Mum why wouldn't you help her? If you feel resentful about it then stop.
Yes she's back tracked on arrangements and probably is upset by it all but I think your attitude is one of entitlement and expectation. Get your husband to pull he weight, check on local childcare, after school clubs, friends. Don't feel bitter towards your Mum for having the chance of a holiday.

Kylereese · 07/09/2021 19:50

@Pleasedonotswear I would definitely take your kids to DH’s parents and have them miss school. What more can you do, you made arrangements and someone selfishly let you down.

Xyyxxx · 07/09/2021 19:50

I won't offer solutions - other have covered that but I will say I understand how hurt you are. Perhaps when you feel calmer you could explain to your mum how upset you are and that you do actually have feelings.

Loki01 · 07/09/2021 19:51

I completely understand your frustration with your DM. That is a very shitty thing to do.
I would be very angry with her and probably wouldn't want to see her for a while. And wouldnt help her out for a while neither. Why should you?

Bleachmycloths · 07/09/2021 20:00

NO WAY would a man miss a course like this. Move heaven and earth to attend. Offer a high rate of pay to another mum/parent to collect your children. It’s only 2 days. I don’t understand why you’re giving in so quickly.

Tealwarrior · 07/09/2021 20:03

@Loki01

I completely understand your frustration with your DM. That is a very shitty thing to do. I would be very angry with her and probably wouldn't want to see her for a while. And wouldnt help her out for a while neither. Why should you?
Why should the op continue to help her mum?

Because that’s just how the cookie crumbles when your mum needs a bit of looking after or help in general.

Some of the comments about the OP’s mum are awful and say a lot about others.

Franklyfrost · 07/09/2021 20:04

I really don’t want you to miss the corse for lack of a few hours child care! It seems so unfair. I’m not sure if this has been suggested upthread but ask the after school club if they can accommodate extra as a one off, put a message on the class WhatsApp asking for recommendations of babysitters/childminders/older siblings who can do pick up or ask one of your kids friends parents to do pick up in exchange for you returning the favour next week. Get to the corse! The issue with your mum is a whole other thing but set it aside for now and keep your eyes on the goal.

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