DM’s holiday change to suit friend.

[Pleasedonotswear]

First, I want to say that I do not expect my mother to childmind my children on a regular basis, but I do occasionally ask if she is able to help out in special circumstances. I also do a lot to help her on a regular basis, so don’t feel that I am taking advantage of her.

Two months ago my employer asked me to go on a training course, which would definitely help my promotion prospects (I know there is a higher position coming up in January, which I was hoping to get). I asked my dm if she would be able to look after my children after school 2 days that week until my dh was finished work. She said that it wouldn’t be a problem and put the dates on her calendar.

Fast forward till now, just 3 weeks before my course. I was at my mothers cutting her grass. She has just asked me if I could change the dates when I am away. I said that obviously I can’t because it is a set date! She informed me that the friend she was going away with (the week before my course) for a few days can’t now go away on the date they had booked and the company they are traveling with said they could change the date to the week I was going to be away.

Now, I know dm has to have a life outside her family, but I am really annoyed with this, mainly because of the reason for the change. Apparently the friend she is going with has just been asked to collect a neighbours children from school (the week they were originally going away) and look after them until either she or her husband finish work and she has said she will. The company they were traveling with said that they can change to the week I was supposed to be away and friend has agreed to the change, meaning I now have nobody to look after my children, so can’t go on course. I am dreading telling my work I can’t now go and I will probably be given a warning, as the course was costing approx £800, plus over £200 accommodation. I will not be given a second chance to attend course and almost certainly will not be in line for any promotion in January!

I have told my dm how important the course is, but she has just said she is sorry but doesn’t want to lose her holiday. I have finished her grass, but didn’t go in after, as I know we will have an argument if I do. I feel like telling her to get someone else to run around cutting her grass, take her to appointments, get her shopping and all the other things I do for her. AIBU if I stop helping her.

Don’t people have friends anymore? My parents didn’t live near by but I had a group of mothers whom I could always call on to collect my children from school and give them tea at their house. Sometimes their children would even stay over with us or vice versa. Alternatively, there seem to be lots of 18/19 year olds around looking for work. Do you know any of those? As a GM I think that if I had committed to look after the children everyday, I wouldn’t have let you down. Your mother is probably thinking that you will be able to get alternative cover as it’s just for two days.

I think it's two separate issues...

1. problem solving the baby sitting issue which SHOULD be straightforward though annoying.

2. the Granny letting her daughter rjad grandaughter down... Whxuh is much more complex and upsetting.
   Esp in light of the previous comments when OP initially approached other childcare...

It does sound she wants to pick and choose when she has them.... Equally you can pick and choose when it's a definite date for course that you absolutely must go on for your future

I voted YABU because of your last bit about aibu to stop helping her.

Yes of course be angry and annoyed at her because clearly she’s known about this in advance and is messing you about with work, but also why isn’t your husband able to take a couple of days off work?

And lesson learned not to rely on your mum in future x

I would not be cutting her lawn or doing her shopping! Obviously her friend is more important than you are!

Does your mother often deliberately sabotage you? Personally, I would not be bothering to help out with anything anymore - surely the friend’s neighbour can help her from now on? You are very foolish continuing to let her walk all over you. Straw that broke the camel’s back etc.

I think you're perfectly reasonable in feeling incredibly upset & let down by your mum.

If I were you, I'd call the kids in sick (or be honest- depending on the attitude their school is likely to have) & let them have a 2 day mini break with your delightful sounding inlaws!! And don't let your mum off the hook- tell her how much her decision has impacted you & how you feel - it'll fester otherwise. And big-up your amazing, super helpful inlaws & tell her afterwards what a fantastic time the kids had with them!! 🤣

You could ask DM if she has any suggestions about replacing herself?

I think you should just tell DH that your mum has let you down so he will need to step up as you will be going on the course. A possible promotion would benefit the family so it’s an investment for all of you, he needs to see that

Have tried talking to your mother and explaining how hurtful her behaviour is and why she thinks it is alright for her friend to change the holiday to look after her neighbours children but she won’t change it to look after her own grandchildren.

I am surprised that your first thought is to cancel the training. I can’t really believe that you can’t find after-school care for two children for two days with three weeks notice. Is that literally nobody they could go on a play date with after-school from which a husband could collect them?

@lightsout

I voted YABU because of your last bit about aibu to stop helping her.

Yes of course be angry and annoyed at her because clearly she’s known about this in advance and is messing you about with work, but also why isn’t your husband able to take a couple of days off work?

And lesson learned not to rely on your mum in future x

Maybe after you voted you could have read the rest of the thread? It has been explained many times and is perfectly reasonable.

YANBU to be pissed off at all. And I'd take a break from helping her or you'll grow to resent her. Do not miss the course. If you can't find anything else then I'd say the kids are ill. Long term the promotion will benefit them more than those 2 days. You can ask the school to email you their work and print it off for them

I’m so happy you are determined to get to your course, it will work out 🤞🏼🤞🏼🤞🏼 Best of luck with that promotion!

Probably time to organise professional childcare in general, not just for this training course. If you're getting promoted I'd imagine your job spec will be more demanding and involve longer hours. If your mum is being unreliable now it's likely only going to get worse.

Don't cancel your course!

If DH can't step up then ask other parents in your children's classes for help. I'm sure someone can have them for an afterschool playdate. Send it round to the full group - if I saw that I would offer to help even if it wasn't a particular friend of my child.

I understand how angry you must be, but don't cancel your own plans because of it. If the other parents can't help maybe one of them can recommend a babysitter.

@mdh2020

Don’t people have friends anymore? My parents didn’t live near by but I had a group of mothers whom I could always call on to collect my children from school and give them tea at their house. Sometimes their children would even stay over with us or vice versa. Alternatively, there seem to be lots of 18/19 year olds around looking for work. Do you know any of those? As a GM I think that if I had committed to look after the children everyday, I wouldn’t have let you down. Your mother is probably thinking that you will be able to get alternative cover as it’s just for two days.

I wish! Maybe it’s being in London, but getting to know school parents doesn’t happen, everyone is just rushing to get to work / get back to work, and whilst there’s a class WhatsApp it’s just for sharing school and lesson info. Whenever meet-ups are suggested by anyone (not just me!) everyone is too busy. All the parents work full time, usually long hours, and use after school clubs or since the pandemic are racing to do pick up and get back to work at home and make up the hours. I also can’t think anyone would feel comfortable having some totally random, unknown teenager in charge of their children. If one had friends with teenage children that would be ok, but as it is I for one would want a recommendation and for said teenager to be dbs checked, trained in first aid etc. before I even considered it. Many parents these days are pretty much isolated and it is really tough.

You mum is BU. I would not do anything like cut her grass for her again. Your DH will just have to work around and pick DC up. Is there an ASC or could a friend help.?

I'd certainly let her know how let down you feel - and how you now lack trust.

If feeling particularly vengeful, I might also start to talk every now and then about how lovely and reliable your in-laws are - how much they love their grandchildren ... and how it might be a good idea to move closer to them in the near future. ( not )

Tell you what - and no-one seems to have thought of this - why doesn't DH take some unpaid leave and look after the DC!? There, sorted!

😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂

YABU in that you could lose her helping in the future & that could be expensive / inconvenient to you in the long run, but if you can carry that expense cut back on helping her

YANBU to be angry. Talk to her when calmer explaining fully the impact - husband, future prospects & about how it seems her friends family have priority over her own family. Ask her if those people will help her to the extent you do?

“
I don't understand people saying "pay for child care". For one thing, is it that easy to get a person to do child care for just a few hours and, even if it was, would you want your children to be looked after by a complete stranger?”

1. The course is in 3 weeks - plenty of time to find someone, meet them, have a trial session, check references.
2. Plenty of parents without family support do this all time. I literally organised childcare with 10 hours notice. In some careers you can’t just constantly cancel meetings/work committements because of childcare issues.

Even if you don’t currently know the parents that well could you ask you kids best friends parents?

My sympathies with your mum, my mum has spent her life showboating how wonderful she is helping out everyone, she even once told me as a child that I didn’t come top of her priorities. Everytime I needed her she was no where to be seen.now she’s old she’s desperate for my company -these things play out! Concentrate on building a support network round you for the future.

You could also try sitters.co.U.K. For emergencies

@Tessabelle74

If it's too late for your husband to book the time off, get him to pull a sickie. Don't cancel the course if anything at all can be sorted

RTFT!

@ThePoint678

Your mum is in the wrong her but I have to be honest, your lack of willingness to solve this problem is really surprising. You’ve had so many suggestions on this thread - just go and try to fix this problem now.

Cancelling your course is the most ridiculous suggestion.

This 👆🏻 Get a grip- loads of solutions offered on the thread.