DM’s holiday change to suit friend.

[Pleasedonotswear]

First, I want to say that I do not expect my mother to childmind my children on a regular basis, but I do occasionally ask if she is able to help out in special circumstances. I also do a lot to help her on a regular basis, so don’t feel that I am taking advantage of her.

Two months ago my employer asked me to go on a training course, which would definitely help my promotion prospects (I know there is a higher position coming up in January, which I was hoping to get). I asked my dm if she would be able to look after my children after school 2 days that week until my dh was finished work. She said that it wouldn’t be a problem and put the dates on her calendar.

Fast forward till now, just 3 weeks before my course. I was at my mothers cutting her grass. She has just asked me if I could change the dates when I am away. I said that obviously I can’t because it is a set date! She informed me that the friend she was going away with (the week before my course) for a few days can’t now go away on the date they had booked and the company they are traveling with said they could change the date to the week I was going to be away.

Now, I know dm has to have a life outside her family, but I am really annoyed with this, mainly because of the reason for the change. Apparently the friend she is going with has just been asked to collect a neighbours children from school (the week they were originally going away) and look after them until either she or her husband finish work and she has said she will. The company they were traveling with said that they can change to the week I was supposed to be away and friend has agreed to the change, meaning I now have nobody to look after my children, so can’t go on course. I am dreading telling my work I can’t now go and I will probably be given a warning, as the course was costing approx £800, plus over £200 accommodation. I will not be given a second chance to attend course and almost certainly will not be in line for any promotion in January!

I have told my dm how important the course is, but she has just said she is sorry but doesn’t want to lose her holiday. I have finished her grass, but didn’t go in after, as I know we will have an argument if I do. I feel like telling her to get someone else to run around cutting her grass, take her to appointments, get her shopping and all the other things I do for her. AIBU if I stop helping her.

OP, how often does your mum typically help you out with childcare? I feel like it is really harsh that other posters are recommending to never help her again because she has let you down this one time. It feels like you are hesitant to do the two things that most likely will help you out in this situation a.) speak to your mum to see if she could ask her friend to cancel the babysitting she is doing for her neighbour due to your mum's prior commitment, then b.) if solution a doesn't work seek out alternative childcare (which previous posters have given you AND YOUR HUSBAND plenty of ideas to follow up).

I would be passed off too. But it's as well to recognise the limitations of relying on anyone for anything childcare related tbh. I always paid for every second of childcare and never had an issue

It's fairly natural to stop including someone in childcare planning if they have proved to be unreliable. A natural consequence if you will.

Another natural consequence is your DM can mow her own lawn and chores as you're too busy trying to sort alternative childcare.

This is a big deal and she let you down, I'd be hugely peed off and with good reason.

Really annoying. Maybe mother is worried about losing the friendship or annoying the friend by being "difficult" and telling her no.
Anyhoo - unfortunately you might just have to suck it up and pay for a babysitter. Have a practice run of the babysitter picking them up from school on another day so you know they can do it (costs £) but no other options. Or DH's family could come ave stay over so they can get to the school on time.
And don't give so many fucks about your mother's needs in the future. You reap what you sow

I don’t think this is acceptable from your mother. You didn’t guilt her into accepting to offer, it is not like you are going on holiday etc this is something important for your work and for your kids future. Call me petty but I would give her the cold shoulder and stop doing some of the things that you usually do like cutting grass but that’s just me. As I would feel super hurt by this and let down big time. Think your in laws offering to have the kids over is lovely so you are lucky on that front. Good luck - hope everything gets sorted and you go on the course and get that promotion.

@BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz

I dont think I could just get over this. I'd want to say my piece.

"Dm, I booked the course because you assured me you could help me out. I'm disappointed that your friends neughbours kids take priority over me and mine. This course is crucial to my professional development, and I thought I could rely on you"

Do this..

I'd be royally pissed off....

I'd be asking... She doesn't have to give up holiday... She can go any of the other 50 weeks per year rather than the SPECIFIC week you'd agreed for her to help out.

I'd also point out EXACTLY how much you put yourself out to help her...

Actually... Get her to understand EXACTLY what this will mean for your employment and promotion..

Don't let her peoppe pleasing her friend's neighbours kids' ffs... Over and above her daughter and dgd.

PS do NOT cancel your course...
It sounds as if its only a couple of evenings they need sorting.
Offer a friends responsible teenager 40£ to do it

Well done and good luck. But after you have given mum a wide berth for a few days please do express your feelings. Its ok to be less available for her and don't rely on her. I can't believe she didn't apologise or try to help sort out a solution. You matter OP and don't let people put you down.

Congrats and well done on solving the issue OP. I hope you don't think I was too rude but I really, really, did not want you to give up on this course. And often, when we are angry at someone we end up not seeing that we still have a problem to solve.

I know you are angry with your DM and I would be too. However, it is a great time to underline that you need to get additional childcare (I added in my neighbour's DD to our rota to cope with emergencies when my DC were younger) if you are going to get this promotion (which I really hope you do - please let us know in January!!).

I know Hilary Clinton said it takes a village to raise a child - well it certainly helps to get to know the village to cover all bases for all the emergencies that crop up over the course of childhood.

@Pleasedonotswear

I don’t get why you won’t pay for childcare for those two days

You have time to find someone - it’s 3w away

Instead you remove your dc from school and make them lie that they are ill

[quote Blondeshavemorefun]@Pleasedonotswear

I don’t get why you won’t pay for childcare for those two days

You have time to find someone - it’s 3w away

Instead you remove your dc from school and make them lie that they are ill[/quote]
Same.

I understand that you're upset at your mother, but since your DH is working as well, you pay for childcare. This seems a lot of drama tbh.

You’ll be able to find a teenager/babysitter very easily to cover a few hours? Why don’t you want to go for that option? Seems less stressful all round than shipping them off?

Honestly, if the course is that important I'd probably just swallow the cost of using an ad hoc agency nanny for those two days. Annoying but should be easier for everyone.

Hope you get sorted. Its not nice my mother has let me down before. I dont oblige her now. It works both ways I think

@MandalaYogaTapestry

OP, why are you not replying to numerous suggestions about booking a babysitter, a help from an agency, asking a friend? Instead you just keep moaning about your mum... Sorry I realise I don't sound kind here but we raised two children without any grandparents here and both worked out of house throughout their school years. We managed fine using paid childcare. Why can't you, for mere two days?

I think we can all see that this isn't so much about childcare, but about what a horrible, selfish mum she has. It's about being let down by someone she should be able to rely on, not whether other people have managed without having anyone to help them.

We don't know OPs situation. She may be flat broke, unable to hire herself a nanny. She could be where I live and no access to sitters.com (curious after reading of it on here, I checked. One person in my rural area.).

I don't feel solutions were the main focus here.

If it's too late for your husband to book the time off, get him to pull a sickie. Don't cancel the course if anything at all can be sorted

RTT!!!

Um definitely unfair on you so why don’t u suggest that they ask the company if they can go on a different week suitable to all of you. Also children are no 1 priority I know that but you can’t make a plan for 2 afternoons? The promotion I’m sure comes with responsibility and you can’t organize a plan B

Let the kids have two days off school and the other grandparents can have them

This is beep beep annoying and it doesn't sound as if your DM understands how important this course is. As the course could lead to a better job, I'd bite the bullet and either pay someone else to do the pick ups or failing that beg a favour off a local parent whose children your children hang out with. You can always return the favour in kind. Don't cancel the training course whatever you do! There must be a solution. Good luck!

I would feel so let down if my mam did this to me about any promise - not unless there was a genuine reason, and in your case that's not the position. I would have to give her a bit of space for a while at least. Not necessarily long-term but maybe she will see things from your perspective then. I hope you get sorted to attend.

How old are your children and how many hours do you need someone to look after them after school?

You either pay a childminder / teenager or get play dates sorted which can be reciprocated if money is tight.

Yes, your DM has buggered up and YANBU in how you feel but there are other childcare options. Stop catastrophising and get a plan.

I think it was very unfair of your mum to let you down in this way and I too would be really annoyed. Actually, in my view, it is the OP's mum's problem in that she had agreed to do something that is very important to the OP and then made other arrangements. Why shouldn't the other party have paid for child care?

I'm sure once you've cooled off you won't carry out the threat of not doing anything else for your mum but I can understand how you feel. I think you are right to explore other care options that you can use in a situation such as this.

I'm glad you have sorted out the problem by your children going to the in-laws. It's obviously not ideal for them to miss school but it would be disastrous to have to tell work that you can't go on the course - with all the costs that would have been incurred and wasted.

I don't understand people saying "pay for child care". For one thing, is it that easy to get a person to do child care for just a few hours and, even if it was, would you want your children to be looked after by a complete stranger?

It's important to get the message across that she has let you down. Good luck on the course.

@Pleasedonotswear

Thank you to everyone who has responded. This actually isn’t the first time dm has been awkward after promising to help, then changing her mind. I’m going to give her a wide berth for a few days, as I would probably say some things I would later regret if I spoke to her just now, but I will be telling her how badly she has let me down.

Next time DM wants some help, suggest she asks her friend .