DM’s holiday change to suit friend.

[Pleasedonotswear]

First, I want to say that I do not expect my mother to childmind my children on a regular basis, but I do occasionally ask if she is able to help out in special circumstances. I also do a lot to help her on a regular basis, so don’t feel that I am taking advantage of her.

Two months ago my employer asked me to go on a training course, which would definitely help my promotion prospects (I know there is a higher position coming up in January, which I was hoping to get). I asked my dm if she would be able to look after my children after school 2 days that week until my dh was finished work. She said that it wouldn’t be a problem and put the dates on her calendar.

Fast forward till now, just 3 weeks before my course. I was at my mothers cutting her grass. She has just asked me if I could change the dates when I am away. I said that obviously I can’t because it is a set date! She informed me that the friend she was going away with (the week before my course) for a few days can’t now go away on the date they had booked and the company they are traveling with said they could change the date to the week I was going to be away.

Now, I know dm has to have a life outside her family, but I am really annoyed with this, mainly because of the reason for the change. Apparently the friend she is going with has just been asked to collect a neighbours children from school (the week they were originally going away) and look after them until either she or her husband finish work and she has said she will. The company they were traveling with said that they can change to the week I was supposed to be away and friend has agreed to the change, meaning I now have nobody to look after my children, so can’t go on course. I am dreading telling my work I can’t now go and I will probably be given a warning, as the course was costing approx £800, plus over £200 accommodation. I will not be given a second chance to attend course and almost certainly will not be in line for any promotion in January!

I have told my dm how important the course is, but she has just said she is sorry but doesn’t want to lose her holiday. I have finished her grass, but didn’t go in after, as I know we will have an argument if I do. I feel like telling her to get someone else to run around cutting her grass, take her to appointments, get her shopping and all the other things I do for her. AIBU if I stop helping her.

I can understand why you're disappointed and frustrated. But the responsibility for your children should fall to your husband, not your mum. He needs to have them for the whole time, not just two days! Would you really be okay with your mum missing a holiday to babysit?

It's nice that you help her, but that's whay you do for someone you love. It shouldn't be conditional. I bet your mum would be so gutted to miss her holiday and that's not something I'd ever expect anyone to do.

Wahoooo - you are going on the course. Good for you. Your children won't suffer missing school for a couple of days, this is definitely for the greater good.

Ps when your 'd' mother next asks you to cut the lawn, just say that unfortunately you can't as you now cut your in-laws grass in return for all the childcare they support with 😁

Find out about other childcare but if there's none, thank goodness for your PiLs!

Do you know if your mum's friend asked her, before agreeing to help the neighbour, or if the friend agreed to do it without asking DM & just informed her?

Either way, your mum's attitude to you is rubbish. Let her make other arrangements for things she needs.

Christ, talk about making a mountain out of a molehill. You don't have to miss out on the course, your husband doesn't have to take 2 days off work, you don't have to pull your kids out of school and your mother doesn't have to miss her holiday... you just need a babysitter!

@RuggerHug

Also OP, once you have childcare sorted(because you can't cancel the course, just don't consider that an option) the next 3 weeks when there's phone calls or requests for help "I can't DM, I'm too busy ringing around childcare agencies/babysitters/mates for favours and preparing for my course, I haven't time for xyz". Even if you're sorted tomorrow, let her realise how she's dropped you in it.

^ this! Also love the idea of saying you feel like moving closer to the in-laws as they are sooooo helpful - that's genius

Also check out local Faceebook nanny/babysitters pages. My friend is a carer and does babysitting on the side- so has children checks etc in place.
Always a good way to find a babysitter.

Don't they have friends? Couldn't you beg a favour for a slightly longer than usual playdate with one of their friends and say you'll pay back with a night's baby sitting?

Honestly, helping family out is a two way thing. Your Mum can book a taxi for her next appointment. Maybe she should get a man in for the grass too. Sounds like you are going to be super-busy working hard to get this promotion.

Do you think she might be sabotaging your chances so that you are still available to help out?

@Balonzette @MissyMooKins I don't get what is so difficult to understand about the husband not being able to take time off at short notice when he's due to deliver a training course for 20 people. He can't risk his job and let 20 people down because his MIL is selfish and unreliable.

[quote user1471457751]**@Balonzette* @MissyMooKins* I don't get what is so difficult to understand about the husband not being able to take time off at short notice when he's due to deliver a training course for 20 people. He can't risk his job and let 20 people down because his MIL is selfish and unreliable.[/quote]

Agreed 🤣

It’s also not that hard to find childcare for two afternoons! We are not talking two weeks here.

Yes it will cost money but a potential promotion surely is worth it? DGM has prioritized her holidays which us fair enough, OP needs to find alternative childcare that she can use in emergencies like this. Like others said plenty of options: ask after school club again, ask for play dated/favours, find a nanny or babysitter. Surely an adult that wants a promotion can figure out how to find childcare for two afternoons?

@bettyboodecia

Christ, talk about making a mountain out of a molehill. You don't have to miss out on the course, your husband doesn't have to take 2 days off work, you don't have to pull your kids out of school and your mother doesn't have to miss her holiday... you just need a babysitter!

Exactly this!

@StevenYerTeasReady

I'd be going NC. If she wants someone to cut her grass, her friend's neighbour can cut the fucker.

She has put the long term well being of her daughter and grandchildren behind some people she doesn't know.

Let the miserable cunt rot in her old age.

What a disgusting comment. Ridiculously over-dramatic too - how on earth do people manage adult life when sorting out a couple of afternoons of childcare leads to a family feud.

I wouldn't be cutting her grass in a long time. Let the jungle be a reminder to her not to let people down

@bettyboodecia

Christ, talk about making a mountain out of a molehill. You don't have to miss out on the course, your husband doesn't have to take 2 days off work, you don't have to pull your kids out of school and your mother doesn't have to miss her holiday... you just need a babysitter!

Absolutely this. This whole thing is, literally, absurd. From your first thought being to cancel the course, to the last being for your dc to miss two days of school. Literally absurd.

You seem extremely averse to considering any paid options. Interestingly similar to your mum who doesn't pay for things like taxis to her appointments or gardeners!

That works fine for people with reliable and willing family support but you don't have that - getting to know a good childminder or babysitter could be really useful for you.

Would you really be okay with your mum missing a holiday to babysit

The issue isn’t that the Mum would now have to cancel the holiday in order to honour her childcare offer, it is that the OP’s Mum agreed to the change of date when her friend wanted to undertake a childcare favour. The Mum at that point could have said ‘no, I can’t change the date’. She allowed her friend to move the goalposts, prioritising friend looking after her neighbour’s kids over her prior arrangement.

Don't cancel the house look at other childcare..can you husband take leave. Any friends. It's two days. Re your mum she was in the wrong as you arranged it some time ago but nothing you can do about it now so fix the problem which is the childcare

Course not house autocorrect

The whole thing is insane. Just pay someone or do a reciprocal one off child care with your kids friends family

I would definitely set up some more childcare options and also drop a few of the things you do for DM if it is leaving you short of time for your own life priorities. DM can pay someone to cut her grass, I'm sure it doesn't have to be you.

Sounds like she finds it difficult to say no, and if she does have to say no it's easier to say no to you. I don't think she has necessarily made a deliberate decision to prioritise her friends neighbours GC over her own GC, I think she maybe lacks the skills to be assertive with people regarding her own wants and needs.

@LanisHouseLot

I would have a more detailed conversation with your mum.

"Mum I don't understand why your existing childcare commitment for your own grandchildren, and on which my promotion depends, just gets bumped for your friend to babysit for her neighbour? And why you just agreed and didn't tell her that wouldn't work for you? I'm feeling incredibly hurt to be honest but I do want to understand what the thought process was. Am I missing something?".

I'd start with that and see what she says.

This

I've read the first 100 posts on this and I think you need to spell it out, r e a l l y clearly for your mother.
She agreed to help you out here. Ages ago. It was on her calendar. If she changes things now to suit some other thing that has cropped up then these are no longer going to be seen as important things for you to do for her:

• she can get her own shopping
• pay someone to do her garden
• run around after her doing whatever she asks you to do for her at any sort of notice.

Or you could wait. Bide your time. When there is something that she really wants to do and she calls on your help. Agree. Say yes of course you'll do it. Then cancel on her. Refuse to do it. Don't get drawn on it. Tell her something else has been arranged with a friend and you're no longer able to do whatever it is for her. See if she understands the corrolation between what she did and what you're doing.

Now I'll go back and read from post 101 onwards to see what if anything had happened.

I'd be discussing it with her but I would never trust her again. Her grass could be hitting the eaves and she could be starving before I'd shop for her again. She has no hesitation about prioritising her holiday and her friend babysitting the neighbour's children over you and her grandchildren.

I've now caught up and read the whole thread and I would have to say something like "Out of the other 51 weeks of the year that was the only week that you could reschedule to?? Really??? I don't believe it."
I would also take a big step back from being at her beck and call. You really needed her and she has let you and your DH and your DCs down.

Mellicauli, I wondered about career sabotage, too! If OP gets promoted, she'll surely be less available for lawn mowing, shopping and driving duties.

If I were OP, I'd start being too busy with work in advance of any promotion, to help her DM adjust. And the suggestion of lots of delighted chatter about how DMiL was there for her and stepped in and how it might be good to live nearer to DPiL as they've been so kind and supportive but are clearly going to need lots more support themselves is a great idea.

DM needs to contemplate the consequences of her actions.