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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DM’s holiday change to suit friend.

554 replies

Pleasedonotswear · 06/09/2021 17:13

First, I want to say that I do not expect my mother to childmind my children on a regular basis, but I do occasionally ask if she is able to help out in special circumstances. I also do a lot to help her on a regular basis, so don’t feel that I am taking advantage of her.

Two months ago my employer asked me to go on a training course, which would definitely help my promotion prospects (I know there is a higher position coming up in January, which I was hoping to get). I asked my dm if she would be able to look after my children after school 2 days that week until my dh was finished work. She said that it wouldn’t be a problem and put the dates on her calendar.

Fast forward till now, just 3 weeks before my course. I was at my mothers cutting her grass. She has just asked me if I could change the dates when I am away. Confused I said that obviously I can’t because it is a set date! She informed me that the friend she was going away with (the week before my course) for a few days can’t now go away on the date they had booked and the company they are traveling with said they could change the date to the week I was going to be away.

Now, I know dm has to have a life outside her family, but I am really annoyed with this, mainly because of the reason for the change. Apparently the friend she is going with has just been asked to collect a neighbours children from school (the week they were originally going away) and look after them until either she or her husband finish work and she has said she will. The company they were traveling with said that they can change to the week I was supposed to be away and friend has agreed to the change, meaning I now have nobody to look after my children, so can’t go on course. I am dreading telling my work I can’t now go and I will probably be given a warning, as the course was costing approx £800, plus over £200 accommodation. I will not be given a second chance to attend course and almost certainly will not be in line for any promotion in January!

I have told my dm how important the course is, but she has just said she is sorry but doesn’t want to lose her holiday. I have finished her grass, but didn’t go in after, as I know we will have an argument if I do. I feel like telling her to get someone else to run around cutting her grass, take her to appointments, get her shopping and all the other things I do for her. AIBU if I stop helping her.

OP posts:
GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 06/09/2021 21:58

Yes thanks.

Everything suggested seems to have bounced off the walls.

Evergibbon · 06/09/2021 22:08

So PILS are helping, they've asked them....

Popitdontstopit · 06/09/2021 22:11

3 weeks is a fair bit of notice really, time to find a friend or actually pay someone to mind the children. The DM seems to have the choice of having this break when her friend wants it, or not going. We don't know that her putting her foot down is a possibility. She is entitled to want a holiday after the year we've all had. On other threads posters are reminded at length how no one owes them any childcare etc, but this one seems to be different. OP has posted that she wouldn't have booked the course if her mum hadn't said she'd take the children - this is being over reliant on one person (who let's face it, could easily be isolating when the time comes) rather than deciding the course was important and looking into the options for making it happen.

SirChenjins · 06/09/2021 22:12

Then you’d know that DH couldn’t sort it out, that his parents are helping out and that the after school club is over subscribed (although there wasn’t any mention of a child minder).

Feedingthebirds1 · 06/09/2021 22:15

@KaycePollard

Your DH will have to take leave. It’s really not your mothers responsibility. And I’d be a bit Hmm if you DH were not willing to actually care for his children so you could get training you need for progressing in your job.
The DH is taking care of the DCs on the days he can. But on two days of that week he's running a training course for 20 people some of whom have had to make arrangements for childcare themselves.

However if you'd got off your high horse long enough to read the OP's posts you'd have known that.

HelloDulling · 06/09/2021 22:18

Great. Decide now that your DC will miss two days of school and have a mini break with Granny. Hurrah.

VikingsandDragons · 06/09/2021 22:21
  • Any school friends they could go with a play date for for the 2 days?
  • Other family nearby
  • Neighbours
  • Babysitter
  • Local nanny agency (if you're in the North East I can recommend one that does ad hoc emergency childcare and I'd be surprised if they can't help)
  • Pay for a taxi for non driving parents in law to collect children for those 2 days
  • Child minder with any availability
  • Would any of your friends be able to help out

I'm very easy going, but in this instance I'd certainly let you mother clearly know that her actions have made you feel like you and your children are valued less than her appeasing her friend, or her friend's neighbour being inconvenienced at your expense.

Mulhollandmagoo · 06/09/2021 22:22

Could you find a nanny? Who coukd collect the kids from school and watch then at home until your husband gets home? A slightly more expensive option but means no missing school and no faff for you?

Although a few days off school and some quality time with your in laws (who I assume they don't see as often due to distance?) wouldn't be a bad outcome at all

TheOccupier · 06/09/2021 22:22

YABU. If your children are old enough to go to school you can hire a babysitter easily.

Mulhollandmagoo · 06/09/2021 22:24

Oh, and absolutely not unreasonable to pull back from your mum for a little while no running around after her, you'll become very resentful if you carry on with that! I can't believe you carried on cutting her grass 🤦🏻‍♀️

MissyMooKins · 06/09/2021 22:46

Your husband will have to be unwell for 2 days and look after them.

MissyMooKins · 06/09/2021 22:48

Yes I know you said he can't but who's more important strangers on a course or his wife. He can he doesn't want to.

StevenYerTeasReady · 06/09/2021 22:49

This reply has been deleted

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Totallydefeated · 06/09/2021 22:50

Your DM is shocking. Please make sure you tell her exactly the impact her behaviour has had on you. And stop mowing her lawn.

LovePoppy · 06/09/2021 22:53

I’m glad you’ve got options now.

I really think you need to have this out with your mother though. Don’t let it fester and sweep under a rug.

timeisnotaline · 06/09/2021 22:57

I would definitely tell my mum what I thought, that she had let me down to suit her friends grandkids, and pull back on helping when inconvenient. And look for a few childcare options to line up. . And next time I was using one of these options if she said anything I’d be clear that maybe helping me wouldnt suit your friends kids cousins child so i can’t rely on you, last time I did I had to scramble to avoid getting a warning at work.

saraclara · 06/09/2021 23:00

@MissyMooKins

Yes I know you said he can't but who's more important strangers on a course or his wife. He can he doesn't want to.
You're surely not serious?
Blondeshavemorefun · 06/09/2021 23:01

Tbh I would use the inlaws kind help as last resort

Taking kids out of school for two days seems a bit ott

You have 3w to find childcare

It’s not like tomorrow

You will easily be able to find a temp /advice nanny /student who can pick kids up from school and stay till dh is home

IrishCharm · 06/09/2021 23:03

Hey @Pleasedonotswear I don’t blame you for feeling the way you do at all!!
Could you ask a couple of friends/neighbours if they could recommend anyone for the two days?
Failing that, how about your dc go stay at their grandparents if your DH can take them over there for that two days x I’m sure the kiddies would love it too xx

NewlyGranny · 06/09/2021 23:12

I'm glad your DMiL has stepped up! That course really matters and of course your DH can't cancel two training events when he is the trainer.

I would do the bare essentials for your DM for a bit. Let her grass grow. Let her order her supermarket delivery. Let her get a taxi to appointments. Just be busy helping someone else's mum!

She's taking you for granted and putting your needs last, believing you won't fuss. See whether she fusses.

Herecomesthesun70 · 06/09/2021 23:12

Have you got a class WhatsApp group or similar.
I'd just put something in there. Who are you DCs friends. Couldn't they go there for a couple of hours to a respective mates house?
Don't be embarrassed to ask. Parents have to help each other out

Lalliella · 06/09/2021 23:28

Ah your DMIL sounds lovely OP. I bet your DCs will have a lovely time with their grandparents.

I hope you make it really clear to your mother how disappointed in her you are that she has let you down. Tbh I wouldn’t want to see her now until after you’ve got back from the course.

Wheresmybiscuit3 · 06/09/2021 23:36

If there were no other option then I would definitely send the kids to their grandparents for the two days and have them off sick.

You have to do what you have to do.

Don’t miss your course.

Your DM really isn’t being fair

AvoidingNextdoorNeighbour · 06/09/2021 23:39

@Hadalifeonce

I too would be totally pissed off that her friend's GC, seem to be worth more than her's. Could your DH finish early, or take half day holidays for those days? Or do you have a couple of friends who would take a child each? Then tell you DM to get her own shopping!
It's even worse. It's the friend's neighbour's kids!

I'd be less inclined to go out of my way to help my mother after that.

OP, is it possible to ask a couple of school mums to take your kids for that short time? Don't miss your training!

I asked my mum to watch DD when I was due to give birth. We asked as soon as we knew our due date (so a good 7 months in advance.) because we didn't have anyone else. We didn't have local friends or even neighbours.

The month before my due date mum announced she'd decided to go on holiday (third that year and reader, she does not work, so no hectic life to get a break from) and would be flying out to her apartment for a week. The week I was due. I was gutted. I did NOT want to give birth alone (previous birth trauma) and it's not like I could have even got to the hospital without DH as it is almost an hour away so in the middle of the night we would have to wake a toddler and drag her with us.

Mum's response when I said she had already agreed to sit with DD? "Oh I'm sure you'll manage!" And that was it. And a shrug thrown in for good measure.

Thankfully I went a little overdue and she had got back the day before but I swear to god she wouldn't have got a single favour from me ever again if she had made me give birth without DH.

Wildheartsease · 06/09/2021 23:44

Your mother has let you down! (Both in choosing other parents' convenience over your need and in backing out of pre-arranged help.)

She is not behind you in your career or prospects is she!

Go for that course and do well. The children will benefit in the long run.

Perhaps it is time to re-think the extent of your support for your Mum. You seem to be being taken for granted.

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