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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DM’s holiday change to suit friend.

554 replies

Pleasedonotswear · 06/09/2021 17:13

First, I want to say that I do not expect my mother to childmind my children on a regular basis, but I do occasionally ask if she is able to help out in special circumstances. I also do a lot to help her on a regular basis, so don’t feel that I am taking advantage of her.

Two months ago my employer asked me to go on a training course, which would definitely help my promotion prospects (I know there is a higher position coming up in January, which I was hoping to get). I asked my dm if she would be able to look after my children after school 2 days that week until my dh was finished work. She said that it wouldn’t be a problem and put the dates on her calendar.

Fast forward till now, just 3 weeks before my course. I was at my mothers cutting her grass. She has just asked me if I could change the dates when I am away. Confused I said that obviously I can’t because it is a set date! She informed me that the friend she was going away with (the week before my course) for a few days can’t now go away on the date they had booked and the company they are traveling with said they could change the date to the week I was going to be away.

Now, I know dm has to have a life outside her family, but I am really annoyed with this, mainly because of the reason for the change. Apparently the friend she is going with has just been asked to collect a neighbours children from school (the week they were originally going away) and look after them until either she or her husband finish work and she has said she will. The company they were traveling with said that they can change to the week I was supposed to be away and friend has agreed to the change, meaning I now have nobody to look after my children, so can’t go on course. I am dreading telling my work I can’t now go and I will probably be given a warning, as the course was costing approx £800, plus over £200 accommodation. I will not be given a second chance to attend course and almost certainly will not be in line for any promotion in January!

I have told my dm how important the course is, but she has just said she is sorry but doesn’t want to lose her holiday. I have finished her grass, but didn’t go in after, as I know we will have an argument if I do. I feel like telling her to get someone else to run around cutting her grass, take her to appointments, get her shopping and all the other things I do for her. AIBU if I stop helping her.

OP posts:
MandalaYogaTapestry · 06/09/2021 21:00

OP, why are you not replying to numerous suggestions about booking a babysitter, a help from an agency, asking a friend? Instead you just keep moaning about your mum... Sorry I realise I don't sound kind here but we raised two children without any grandparents here and both worked out of house throughout their school years. We managed fine using paid childcare. Why can't you, for mere two days?

TheUnexpectedPickle · 06/09/2021 21:01

I don’t have any advice, all I can say is that your DM is either a bit of a crappy GM or she is a pushover.

But.

All these posters digging at the DH for not taking annual leave/ unpaid leave/going off sick- what!? They have already figured out the days he can have the DC and worked around that!

Are you/your husbands really all in jobs where you can “just take leave” whenever you want? Cos I certainly can’t and neither can DP. In my work, if more than 10% of staff at my location are off, I can’t take leave, and leave gets booked up in advance. I can’t just “take unpaid leave”, that would screw up he rota and I’d get a warning if I did it too often. Same with sick- there is a sickness policy and you get a warning for too much sick. DP has clients he has to see, they need to be covered if he is off so again leave is booked in advance. He doesn’t get unpaid leave and has a similar sick policy. Plus most parents at both of our jobs book up leave around the holidays so don’t have much left.

No every job involves sitting at a desk not affecting anyone else. It’s not as simple as “ well he just has to take leave”. Stop getting at the DH, this is the fault of OPs mum, not her DH!! Workplaces have to keep running, they can’t just let staff off as and when they want, that’s not viable!

QueenBee52 · 06/09/2021 21:02

Mil said they would be delighted to have the dcs to stay for the 2 days, if I can’t sort anything else out. So my dcs may have to be ‘sick’ for 2 days, but I am going to the course…..and hopefully I will get that promotion!

Yes great idea.. do this.. 🌸

trilbydoll · 06/09/2021 21:03

Please don't help your mum for a while. It will eat away at you. Just take a step back and if she asks you can say you had clearly misunderstood your relationship but she's made it crystal clear now, thank you.

For this I would just throw any money at it, get a temp nanny from an agency for 2 days if necessary - hopefully the promotion will pay for it next year!

Original poster
Pleasedonotswear · 06/09/2021 21:04

Thank you to everyone who has responded. This actually isn’t the first time dm has been awkward after promising to help, then changing her mind. I’m going to give her a wide berth for a few days, as I would probably say some things I would later regret if I spoke to her just now, but I will be telling her how badly she has let me down.

OP posts:
SirChenjins · 06/09/2021 21:05

Glad you’ve got something sorted out OP - not ideal I know, but at least you’ll be able to get to your course. A serious word needed with your DM at some point though - does she realise the implications of her casual cancellation and the impact it’s had on you and your in-laws?

Mummy7777 · 06/09/2021 21:08

So glad you have a plan - not ideal but a plan and its doable. The 2 days will be together so pulling a sickie would be easy to say.

BasementIdeas · 06/09/2021 21:09

YANBU to be frustrated at your DM

However, YABU to not even inquire into other childcare options. How about

  • asking around for details of childminders that pick up from the kids school (are there class WhatsApp groups - that would be a great place to start)
  • asking parents of your kids friends if they could take them and you will return favour
  • sitters.com

I can’t believe your default response is for you to miss the course or the kids to miss school!!!

HangingChads · 06/09/2021 21:13

Excellent - go on that course! Get that promotion!

lannistunut · 06/09/2021 21:13

@Pleasedonotswear

Thank you to everyone who has responded. This actually isn’t the first time dm has been awkward after promising to help, then changing her mind. I’m going to give her a wide berth for a few days, as I would probably say some things I would later regret if I spoke to her just now, but I will be telling her how badly she has let me down.
I think you need to look at this and maybe get some help to set better boundaries. She has really, really landed you in it and it is not OK.

I am interested as to why you are so scared to tell her how you feel - why would you regret telling her she has let you down?

Agree with everyone else about paying for childcare etc and going to th etraining - but I also think you need to review the relationship with your mum.

Sugarplumfairy65 · 06/09/2021 21:19

@Moltenpink

I think your DH needs to take half a day off and you need to also miss half a day, if you really can’t find an after school club.
Have you actually read the op's posts? She's going away on a training course for a week, her husband is picking them up 2 of the days, the other 2 days he's running a training course with 20 people. You can't just cut a training course short
Clymene · 06/09/2021 21:20

I'm sure your kids will have a great time with their grandchildren.

But yes, you do need to have a difficult conversation with your mum. And also I would have a think about why there is a pattern of letting you down. Or maybe it's more about prioritising everyone else above you.

It seems to me that you are doing lots of kindnesses to your mum but she doesn't return that.

chopc · 06/09/2021 21:21

OP please do not feel guilty if your DC need to stay at their grandparents for a couple of nights. They can absolutely miss school ........

WimpoleHat · 06/09/2021 21:28

That’s good news - you now have a firm Plan B. Not ideal for the kids to miss school, though, so I’d see if you can find some after school childcare. Much less stressful now you know you have a backup, though. Well done that MIL!

Cornishclio · 06/09/2021 21:34

How often are you helping out your DM OP? I would give her a wide berth for more than a few days. Tell her you are trying to sort out childcare for the days she promised to do and then backed out for no good reason (accommodating a friends wish to babysit her neighbours' kids doesn't count). Fair enough she won't do regular babysitting that's fair enough, not everyone wants to but by the same token she cannot expect you to put her high on your priority list when you most definitely are not high on hers.

KaycePollard · 06/09/2021 21:35

Your DH will have to take leave. It’s really not your mothers responsibility. And I’d be a bit Hmm if you DH were not willing to actually care for his children so you could get training you need for progressing in your job.

Lonelylooloo · 06/09/2021 21:35

MN is really weird about grandparent childcare and basically nothing is ever a grandparents fault and you’re a c* for even suggesting it.
If your DM had been due to dog sit rather than babysit for you I guarentee you’d have gotten a 100% YANBU Grin

But in the real world any adult who commits to something knowing that their loved one is relying on them then pulls out last minute is a total A H

I wouldn’t be going out of my way to help someone who cared less about my kids than their friend does about some random neighbours kids

Original poster
Pleasedonotswear · 06/09/2021 21:41

@BasementIdeas

YANBU to be frustrated at your DM

However, YABU to not even inquire into other childcare options. How about

  • asking around for details of childminders that pick up from the kids school (are there class WhatsApp groups - that would be a great place to start)
  • asking parents of your kids friends if they could take them and you will return favour
  • sitters.com

I can’t believe your default response is for you to miss the course or the kids to miss school!!!

Dh and I have always tried to cover childcare between us and very rarely have needed help, so yes, you are correct we do need to be more proactive and ensure we have other childcare options when necessary. I actually said to my dm (around the time I asked her if she would help with my dcs for this training course) that I was going to look into other childcare options and she went into a huff and asked what was wrong with her having her dgcs! Well now I can tell her what is wrong with relying on her and we will look into what options there are!
OP posts:
Cameleongirl · 06/09/2021 21:47

Your Mum has definitely let you down and I'm glad you've found a possible alternative. But I agree with PP's that you should still explore other options for afterschool care in your area, in case something like this ever happens again. Perhaps mention this situation to friends with children and ask whether they could recommend a local babysitter or childminder. Or perhaps they might be willing to help out themselves occasionally if you reciprocate. That's what I do as we don't have any family locally, it's been a lifesaver sometimes.

fluffythedragonslayer · 06/09/2021 21:47

Fine for the kids.to.miss school.and go.to.otner grandparents. You and DH both have work commitments you can't cancel and your childcare has let you down. You gotta do what you gotta do!

Cameleongirl · 06/09/2021 21:48

Just saw your update, your Mum's attitude is ridiculous, given she's now let you down!

PrincessNutella · 06/09/2021 21:50

You need to do the course, it is your professional responsibility. You will just need to find some other solution. It is too bad your mother can't do it, but in the end, it is your problem, not hers.

Thevoiceofreason2021 · 06/09/2021 21:54

Hire a child minder or ask the mums WhatsApp group if anyone can help out. And of course you are annoyed with your mum. Maybe just give her a wide berth until you calm down. Your mum won’t be around forever - don’t fall out over something that can be easily solved. That’s not to say you can’t tell her how disappointed you are in her lack of support for something that means so much to you.

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 06/09/2021 21:57

DH sorts it out.

Or...

DH's parent help out.

Or...

You and DH pay for childcare.

SirChenjins · 06/09/2021 21:57

Did you read the thread at all Confused