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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To buy a black doll?

90 replies

Marni83 · 06/09/2021 07:24

I feel ridiculous asking this.
Really, but this is a my best friend.
I’ll explain

My oldest closest friend is married to a black man. Together they have been the most incredible support to me. Her husband is my daughter’s god father. They have three children, obviously mixed race.

We have been close friends for more than 25 years. We have never ever spoken about race, racism, challenges her husband has faced, any avid directed at them. Nothing. It is inevitable that he/they have encountered something over the years - but she has never shared. And I have never asked because she is a very forthright person so I have taken the lead that if she hasn’t mentioned, it’s because she doesn’t want to. I don’t know whether I’m right in doing that, but that’s another thread!

Anyway, her daughter’s (my god daughter) 7th birthday and I would love to buy her the most beautiful mixed race doll.

I don’t know whether she will see this as me making a point.

I know this seems stupid. I know that. But I would so appreciate some thoughts.

Thanks

OP posts:
OnlyFoolsnMothers · 06/09/2021 07:26

No nothing wrong with buying a non white doll- I assume you would buy any child this not just a black or mixed raced girl?
V weird you think she would need to discuss race struggles.

ReggaetonLente · 06/09/2021 07:29

You can buy dolls made to look exactly like her. That would be cute, as the selection for dual heritage kids can often be small.

heldinadream · 06/09/2021 07:29

I think it's lovely OP there are some beautiful black/brown dolls out there, I'm looking for one for my granddaughter at the mo. Just because I'd like her to have a black doll as well as a white doll - why not? We're white but she's gonna meet people of all colours. It doesn't have to be seen as making a point, it's just a lovely gift.

5lilducks · 06/09/2021 07:30

I would ask her/her mother which doll she would like and get the doll she wants.

M0rT · 06/09/2021 07:30

I think only you know your friend and her daughter well enough to really answer this.
Would she think you were being thoughtful in getting her daughter a doll in her image?
What type of point do you fear she would think you were making?
I'm white with black hair and my uncle got me Hawaiian barbie when I was 6, I loved her. It was the 80s it was the first doll I'd seen not blonde.
She had long black hair and brown eyes like me and she was beautiful.
On the other hand my sister was only interested in dolls to tie them to pillowcases and parachute them out of upstairs windows, put red marker on them and then bandages etc.
So does the little girl have dolls and like playing with them?

Seasidemumma77 · 06/09/2021 07:35

My now adult dd still treasures the doll my aunt hand made which was matched to her exact skin tone, eye colour and nose shape.

astoundedgoat · 06/09/2021 07:42

More insensitive to buy her a white-skinned blonde doll, but do check that she actually PLAYS with dolls first! My girls have always loathed them, and frankly we should have shared in Jelly Cat at this stage.

doadeer · 06/09/2021 07:43

I think it's fine. I buy all friends books with a mix of ethnicity characters and items. I think we should all do this more often anyway. Is she too young to enjoy black panther characters?

On a different note my DH of 10 years is black... I can't imagine not every mentioning all the absolute bullshit he has to deal with occasionally to friends and family. Preparing to have a mixed race son I was so aware of challenges he might face compared to my black nephews and I shared my worries with friends and family.

GoodnightGrandma · 06/09/2021 07:43

I had a black doll in the 70’s. I wouldn’t think twice about it.

Guavaf1sh · 06/09/2021 07:45

I’d ask too before buying. It might come across a bit weird

Icecreamsoda99 · 06/09/2021 07:47

Completely understand where you are coming from OP, as she's 7 could you take her to Smyths to pick one if they stock it, that way it's her choice? Can we see the doll, for no reason than because I love dolls. Is it an Our Generation? My daughter has dolls representing various ethnicities, i hope it becomes more normalized to do this.

FannyBrice · 06/09/2021 07:50

I'd ask her what her daughter would like and if she suggests a doll just show her photos of the ones you've seen
The whole point is that the little girl likes it

allinadaystwerk · 06/09/2021 07:55

If she is a chikd that likes to play with dolls, then a doll that looks like her is a lovely gesture. Her parents will most likely be happy you thought about it. It might even give them the go ahead to speak about race with you.. or not, depending on how they feel.

Peoniesandpeaches · 06/09/2021 07:56

@Guavaf1sh

I’d ask too before buying. It might come across a bit weird
Why on earth would it come across “weird?” If her children had red hair would you think twice about buying a red headed doll? The only message it gives is - I see your children. So long as they play with dolls get them a nice doll
User5827372728 · 06/09/2021 07:57

As a parent to mixed races kids, please get her a black doll, and don’t think anything of it. They won’t! I always get my kids friends books with black main characters, and black dolls etc even if their kids aren’t black.

Original poster
Marni83 · 06/09/2021 07:58

@doadeer

I think it's fine. I buy all friends books with a mix of ethnicity characters and items. I think we should all do this more often anyway. Is she too young to enjoy black panther characters?

On a different note my DH of 10 years is black... I can't imagine not every mentioning all the absolute bullshit he has to deal with occasionally to friends and family. Preparing to have a mixed race son I was so aware of challenges he might face compared to my black nephews and I shared my worries with friends and family.

This is my worry Never mentioned. Not once. At her birthday party two years ago, her sister and I spoke and her sister alluded to also her never mentioning to her.

Do you think I should raise?

OP posts:
Original poster
Marni83 · 06/09/2021 07:59

@User5827372728

As a parent to mixed races kids, please get her a black doll, and don’t think anything of it. They won’t! I always get my kids friends books with black main characters, and black dolls etc even if their kids aren’t black.
Any recommendations as to a doll?
OP posts:
Original poster
Marni83 · 06/09/2021 07:59

Oh the girl adores dolls!

OP posts:
Mothership4two · 06/09/2021 08:01

Once you have found one, why don't you show her a picture OP and ask her if she thinks her daughter would like it?

User5827372728 · 06/09/2021 08:01

www.johnlewis.com/john-lewis-partners-isabelle-collectors-doll/p4349654

I love Isabelle. But my friends kids are all 5 and under, as are mine, so I wouldn’t know if she’s good for a 7 year old!

onelittlefrog · 06/09/2021 08:02

As with any gift for a child, if you have any doubts about it just ask the parents, surely? Just send mum a link asking if she thinks the child will like it.

Original poster
Marni83 · 06/09/2021 08:04

@User5827372728

www.johnlewis.com/john-lewis-partners-isabelle-collectors-doll/p4349654

I love Isabelle. But my friends kids are all 5 and under, as are mine, so I wouldn’t know if she’s good for a 7 year old!

Thank you! Nicer than the one I was going to get. That’s the one
OP posts:
CaptainMyCaptain · 06/09/2021 08:08

I had a black doll when I was a child in the 1950s, we were a white family. She was beautiful and had close cropped tight curly hair, I saw the same doll in the National Trust Museum of Childhood at Sudbury Hall. When I got older my Mum gave her to my cousin who mistreated her, I have never forgotten that.

GrandmaSteglitszch · 06/09/2021 08:10

Do you think I should raise?

No. What would be the point?
I expect they like to have their friendships free of that stuff.

Icecreamsoda99 · 06/09/2021 08:11

Look up Our Generation Haven and Nahla, or there is Maeva but her hair is straight. My seven years old Goddaughter and her friends are made about Our Generation and they seem like really good quality.

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