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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To buy a black doll?

90 replies

Marni83 · 06/09/2021 07:24

I feel ridiculous asking this.
Really, but this is a my best friend.
I’ll explain

My oldest closest friend is married to a black man. Together they have been the most incredible support to me. Her husband is my daughter’s god father. They have three children, obviously mixed race.

We have been close friends for more than 25 years. We have never ever spoken about race, racism, challenges her husband has faced, any avid directed at them. Nothing. It is inevitable that he/they have encountered something over the years - but she has never shared. And I have never asked because she is a very forthright person so I have taken the lead that if she hasn’t mentioned, it’s because she doesn’t want to. I don’t know whether I’m right in doing that, but that’s another thread!

Anyway, her daughter’s (my god daughter) 7th birthday and I would love to buy her the most beautiful mixed race doll.

I don’t know whether she will see this as me making a point.

I know this seems stupid. I know that. But I would so appreciate some thoughts.

Thanks

OP posts:

DoesHePlayTheFiddle · 06/09/2021 08:13

I'm not mixed race. I had a black doll as well as white ones to play with when I was a child - around 1960. Even now I have a soft toy whose ethnicity, from her looks, is Asian.

lannistunut · 06/09/2021 08:15

@5lilducks

I would ask her/her mother which doll she would like and get the doll she wants.

I would do this too, I prefer getting something I know the child wants.

HarrietsChariot · 06/09/2021 08:15

I'd be wary but only you are well-placed enough to know whether the reaction will be or (or worse).

The concern I'd have is that you are putting so much thought into this that you must have genuine doubts over whether it's right. Would you buy a "black doll" for another child regardless of their race? Or is your thinking "black doll for the black girl, white doll for the white girl"? If the former, go for it, if the latter, think a little more.

MrsLargeEmbodied · 06/09/2021 08:17

she might have a room full of black dolls?

HTH1 · 06/09/2021 08:21

I have an Indian friend who said she would have loved that kind of toy (she never felt that non-white children were represented enough and she couldn’t find toys that looked like her).

However, in this case I wouldn’t based on your latest update. Her sister is suggesting that is a sensitive subject so I think get a different toy eg a cute fluffy animal one.

ThinWomansBrain · 06/09/2021 08:22

@CaptainMyCaptain

I had a black doll when I was a child in the 1950s, we were a white family. She was beautiful and had close cropped tight curly hair, I saw the same doll in the National Trust Museum of Childhood at Sudbury Hall. When I got older my Mum gave her to my cousin who mistreated her, I have never forgotten that.

I have a similar one that I had in the 60's - she'd been my sisters originally, so is of a similar vintage, Sister tried to nab her back at some stage. She is a very hard black plastic.

InaccurateDream · 06/09/2021 08:27

My daughter is about to turn seven and she still plays with Barbie style dolls (and the Chelsea size ones) but she has long stopped playing with baby/toddler dolls. So I would buy older or check what she’s into. My daughter went off dolls for ages and only played Minecraft for quite a while… it’s a lovely thought but some girls don’t play with dolls as much.

DrGoogleSaysSo · 06/09/2021 08:27

My generation dolls are a great hit. I got one that resembles my dd who's mixed race. She loves her clone

CecilyP · 06/09/2021 08:30

^My daughter is about to turn seven and she still plays with Barbie style dolls (and the Chelsea size ones) but she has long stopped playing with baby/toddler dolls.

Yes definitely check with her mum that it’s something she would like first of all.

Peanutsandchilli · 06/09/2021 08:33

I'd just ask your friend. Her daughter might have a load of mixed heritage dolls and want one that's white or black, but I bought my white child a black doll because it had the same name as her and the colour of her skin was never mentioned. Kids just see them as dolls and don't tend to worry about things that we do as adults.

CaptainMyCaptain · 06/09/2021 08:34

@ThinWomansBrain sounds like it might have been the same one.

WIS76 · 06/09/2021 08:35

Go for it and don't stress, she won't notice skin tone she'll just love her new toy xxx

StarshipsAreMeantToFly · 06/09/2021 08:38

I'd just ask, say you wanted to get a doll but know she might have a few already, are there any in particular she'd like?

LizziesTwin · 06/09/2021 08:40

I think there were Sasha dolls in the 60s and 70s which reflected different races.

CuteOrangeElephant · 06/09/2021 08:40

Go for it!

I was looking at dolls yesterday, I don't know how old your friend's DD is but Threadbear do lovely ones. Also check out Lottie dolls? Maybe it's a bit more casual than a bigger doll.

Jumpalicious · 06/09/2021 08:42

@5lilducks

I would ask her/her mother which doll she would like and get the doll she wants.

This

MisterMeaner · 06/09/2021 08:43

I'd choose a doll based on more than just the colour of her skin - clothing, packaging, name, the profession the doll is supposed to have if any. Maybe ask the Mum if there's any particular thing she's into.

But I don't think there's anything wrong with finding a doll that looks like your niece. It's a really thoughtful gift.

My favourite doll as a child (late 70s, early 80s) was a black nurse doll. My whole family is white. I wanted a black doll and the nurse was the only one Mum could find. She was a gorgeous doll and I loved her. I don't think I met a black person until I was in my teens - maybe that was why I wanted a black doll. I blame Floella Benjamin, who was my utter hero as a small child.

GUPIGUPI · 06/09/2021 08:43

My niece has Our Generation Malia and she’s beautiful.

EmeraldGreenVelvet · 06/09/2021 08:46

@Guavaf1sh

I’d ask too before buying. It might come across a bit weird

Why would it be weird to buy a doll which looks like the recipient? Surely it's more weird to buy one with blond curls that absolutely doesn't?

MyLeftFootVMyRightFoot · 06/09/2021 08:48

@5lilducks

I would ask her/her mother which doll she would like and get the doll she wants.

This

diddl · 06/09/2021 08:49

Are you sure she hasn't already got one/some?

Mummyoflittledragon · 06/09/2021 08:53

I bought my dd the dolls she chose, including ones, which had darker skin tones, albeit most didn’t as they were not widely available or advertised prolifically when she was younger. She wanted Girl’s world head, which looked Asian even though she’s Caucasian but doesn’t have the typical bright blue eyes and white blonde hair most of the dolls still unfortunately have. You can also buy an Afro Girl’s World from Argos now. Not saying that’s what you want to buy but just FYI.

Sandinmyknickers · 06/09/2021 08:54

@HTH1

I have an Indian friend who said she would have loved that kind of toy (she never felt that non-white children were represented enough and she couldn’t find toys that looked like her).

However, in this case I wouldn’t based on your latest update. Her sister is suggesting that is a sensitive subject so I think get a different toy eg a cute fluffy animal one.

Her updates suggest that her nd her family's personal experiences and encounters with racsim are a sensitive topic...not the fact that they are black!! Getting the little girl a doll that looks like her is not the same as getting her a BLM t shirt or something else that specifically brings up conversations around racism etc. I would definitely get her the doll. My godson is black and it always frustrates me that white is the default for cartoons/books etc, and I always try and diversify what I give him as much as possible. It's not controversial to try and make a child feel represented and seen.

Looubylou · 06/09/2021 08:57

I think putting too much thought into this has made it unnecessarily awkward - buy something else.

Peanutbuttercupisyum · 06/09/2021 09:02

I mean if she’s your best friend and hasn’t mentioned anything I would be thinking that what they’ve experienced has been so horrid she doesn’t bring it up, or that she hasn’t experienced any issues. Tbh, it’s not inevitable. My colleague was just saying the other day that she’d never experienced any racism and she was happy living somewhere where the opportunities for her and her family were so endless! We do live in a very multi cultural area though. Either way, as your BEST friend it’s quite strange that you’ve never discussed this, even just as a current affairs type issue! I mean it’s hard to avoid. I’d ask the Mum or Dad what she’d like and get that.

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