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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To buy a black doll?

90 replies

Marni83 · 06/09/2021 07:24

I feel ridiculous asking this.
Really, but this is a my best friend.
I’ll explain

My oldest closest friend is married to a black man. Together they have been the most incredible support to me. Her husband is my daughter’s god father. They have three children, obviously mixed race.

We have been close friends for more than 25 years. We have never ever spoken about race, racism, challenges her husband has faced, any avid directed at them. Nothing. It is inevitable that he/they have encountered something over the years - but she has never shared. And I have never asked because she is a very forthright person so I have taken the lead that if she hasn’t mentioned, it’s because she doesn’t want to. I don’t know whether I’m right in doing that, but that’s another thread!

Anyway, her daughter’s (my god daughter) 7th birthday and I would love to buy her the most beautiful mixed race doll.

I don’t know whether she will see this as me making a point.

I know this seems stupid. I know that. But I would so appreciate some thoughts.

Thanks

OP posts:
NoBetterthanSheShouldBe · 06/09/2021 09:03

Hmm. I am white/dark hair and eyes, and still feel the disappointment of not being allowed a Barbie (then wildly fashionable) because my parents thought I should have the model with short dark hair instead.

CheekyAFAIK · 06/09/2021 09:05

@Looubylou

I think putting too much thought into this has made it unnecessarily awkward - buy something else.
This.

All kids should have books and toys that are diverse so that no kid, whatever their race, grows up thinking the whole world is white and white is the default. The same goes with male, able bodied etc. So many books I remember from an 80s childhood have all white, all male characters.

But I think you've overthought this and it's turned into something pointed and a bit odd. She might not like dolls or she might be swimming in them. Buying her a single mixed race doll won't mean all that much in the grand scheme of things.

OnlyFoolsnMothers · 06/09/2021 09:06

I find it so sad that we even have to question this- but more so “of course you should buy her a black doll because she’s black”- so to put it another way, please buy your white children dolls of all races!!!!

GintyMcGinty · 06/09/2021 09:06

Would you think twice about buying a white child a white doll?

(assuming child likes dolls)

My white child has both black and white dolls. I have never thought that anyone was making a point when buying her either.

HavelockVetinari · 06/09/2021 09:06

Please do check that (a) she still plays with dolls, as by 7 many don't, and (b) whether it's a specific kind of doll she likes, I.e. barbies, etc.

The one a PP linked to looks like something for a younger child, not a 7 year old.

MyPatronusIsACat · 06/09/2021 09:06

Absolutely do it. Smile

They sure do bring out the racists though. Me and my SIL bought black (Barbie) dolls for our DDs, (along with other Barbies, including Native American Barbie, and Asian Barbie.) Mainly because we lived in a predominantly white area, and we wanted them to know that there was more than just 'white' out there.

Several people we knew asked us 'what the hell have you got a black barbie for?' and 'what are you trying to prove?' Confused

SIL (who was much bolder than me) said 'We're not trying to prove anything, we're just trying to find out, who, out of all the people we know, is racist.'

MyPatronusIsACat · 06/09/2021 09:06

This was 20-ish years ago btw. ^

GameSetMatch · 06/09/2021 09:11

Definitely do it. I hated getting blonde hair blue eyes dolls when I was little!

bridgetreilly · 06/09/2021 09:12

She might prefer a Lottie doll at that age.

Peanutsandchilli · 06/09/2021 09:13

@HavelockVetinari

Please do check that (a) she still plays with dolls, as by 7 many don't, and (b) whether it's a specific kind of doll she likes, I.e. barbies, etc.

The one a PP linked to looks like something for a younger child, not a 7 year old.

It doesn't look like something for a younger child. It looks like the Our Generation dolls, which my 11 year old will still play with occasionally (with her younger sisters).
thisplaceisweird · 06/09/2021 09:13

I had dolls from a wide range of skin colours, from babies to barbies. I'm mixed race and would be gifted dolls of all different skin colours and would request whichever had the cutest outfit and accesories! I don't think it's something you need to worry about OP, but if in doubt, get one that looks like the girl you're giving it to.

SlamLikeAGuitar · 06/09/2021 09:17

As a parent of mixed heritage children (white/asian), I think it’s wonderful that you’ve thought about this.
My eldest daughter went through a phase where she was literally obsessed with Mulan. She watched the movie on repeat, wanted all her Disney colouring sheets to have Mulan on them etc. Then my mum bought her a Mulan doll for her birthday and she jumped up and down with sheer joy. My dad asked her what is it she loves about Mulan so much, she said “She looks like me” - and that’s when it truly hit me how important it is for kids to see themselves represented among the toys/tv shows/movies they are exposed to!

RealBecca · 06/09/2021 09:22

I would say text her and say im looking at getting her child a doll, is there a brand she likes?

AramintaLee · 06/09/2021 09:24

I'm white and I had a Christie doll in the 90s. Loved her so much (she was the benneton barbie version and I still think about her outfit lol) My parents were great at making sure my dolls weren't all blonde haired and blue eyed.

I say go for it... but as others have suggested, maybe check with Mum first that she still plays with dolls. You don't have to be like "I'm thinking of getting a black doll", just send her a link to the doll you want to get and say "I was going to get this, do you think she'll like it/play with it or is she past the doll phase?"

eurochick · 06/09/2021 09:46

My (white) child has dolls with all kinds of skin colours - Disney do Tiana, Moana and Mulan non-white skinned dolls, for example. Lego also have a variety of skin tones for their characters.

I saw someone commented that at 7 she might be a bit old for some dolls - I would agree with that. My seven year old seems to be moving away from playing with them.

HauteGirlSummer · 06/09/2021 09:46

@Guavaf1sh

I’d ask too before buying. It might come across a bit weird
Why would it be weird to buy a brown doll? I'm assuming a white or more light skin doll would be considered the norm and more commercially acceptable? Is Smh.

It's important to understand that black and brown dolls aren't just made for black and brown kids. Anyone can buy or play with them. In the same way, black and brown kids have played with white dolls for years without it being an issue.

OP, buy her the doll, don't overthink it. I'm sure they won't think anything of it.

Mamascoven · 06/09/2021 09:50

I am mixed-race myself and asked for a barbie for my birthday when I was younger. My mums best friend bought me a black one and I was overjoyed with it as till then I actually thought they were all white.

CandyFIosss · 06/09/2021 09:52

Wow this is such a weird thread! Why would this be an issue 🤦‍♀️

Reminds me of the time my ex asked what dd wanted for Xmas and I told him she wanted a Cinderella doll and he told me that she couldn’t have one as she is black (well I’m mixed and ex is black) he refused to buy it for her and instead bought her a jasmine doll as it was the one that “looked most like her” Confused Hmm

ShitShop · 06/09/2021 10:29

I would say if it’s this much of a dilemma just buy the kid something else. If your friend is likely to be funny about the gift then you could potentially ruin a friendship all for wanting to do the right thing.

If the child really wants a mixed race doll I’m sure her parents or grandparents would have bought her one by now, and indeed may have already done so. You’re not the first person in the world to realise that dolls come in different colours, so please don’t make a big deal about this.

An art and craft set, Lego set or a more neutral toy would be thoughtful and appreciated. A mixed race doll from a white friend may come across as you looking for brownie points for be so ‘aware’ and backfire in your face. It’s a kids birthday not a BLM march, just buy her a nice gift and let her parents be the ones that tackle any potentially contentious issues around race and representation. It’s not your job.

NoSquirrels · 06/09/2021 10:36

Is your thought process that you want to buy a doll, or you want to buy this particular doll?

If it’s this particular doll do you feel yourself you’re “making a point”? Why do you want to buy this particular doll/thing?

If it’s just that you think Oh, she’ll like a doll, look this one looks nice - then buy it and stop overthinking.

It’s a bit weird it’s never come up for you before - haven’t you seen her DD playing with different dolls? I’d totally presume they’d already have black and mixed race ones.

We’ve always had all different types of figures and all get played with equally.

JudgeJ · 06/09/2021 10:39

@heldinadream

I think it's lovely OP there are some beautiful black/brown dolls out there, I'm looking for one for my granddaughter at the mo. Just because I'd like her to have a black doll as well as a white doll - why not? We're white but she's gonna meet people of all colours. It doesn't have to be seen as making a point, it's just a lovely gift.
I'm 73 and I can still remember my two favourite dolls, Irene and Susan, the latter was a black doll and I had her for years and years. I'm now feeling sad that I don't remember what happened to her!
Popsicle438 · 06/09/2021 10:46

Black dolls weren't around in my day (nearing seventy) but I think if someone had bought me one I would have felt they were pointing out my difference. But, I was very sensitive, the only mixed race child in my school and got called all the ugly names. So I would have seen it as just another insult.
Things have changed since then but I would still be a bit wary.

TheGoogleMum · 06/09/2021 10:48

I think I would buy the doll, I too would think a little girl might like a doll that looks like her (ones that don't are great too but let's face it white dolls are more widely available). I'm white though

MarieMoss · 06/09/2021 10:50

My dc are mixed race. Youngest Dd has a few Our Generation dolls that I would recommend, such as the ones in the photos:

To buy a black doll?
To buy a black doll?
To buy a black doll?