To feel like being a mum is easier than being a wife?

[BrownBrownHi]

And to think marriage requires more commitment than having kids?

If you have a child your identity remains the same as always, your goals, your dreams, aspirations don’t have to be any different than before you had them, you are always the same person you always were before having children, and you don’t have to change your name or have your identity become Mrs Someone, only thing that changes really is that you have an additional person or more people to take care of other than yourself.

Meanwhile when you marry, your goals are no longer your own, you job/career plans have to be carefully adjusted so they can match his because in a marriage you always have to compromise on everything, where you live, where you work, what type of house to buy and where and women end up compromising the most. You lose a lot but gain very little. Which is why I think marriage rates keep declining throughout the years because women have realised there’s not much to gain from being married and it’s not guaranteed to be a lifelong commitment anyway. It’s a lot of hard work for no real reason. AIBU?

Hmm. I find your post totally the wrong way around. I see many more lose their identity when they have kids, priorities change, lives change. I didn’t change when I met my husband, just began sharing my life with him.

Totally disagree!

@ViceLikeBlip

I was a great wife until we had kids. Being both a mum and a wife feels like a lot some days. I'm not sure the wife bit is actually harder, but for me the kids come first, so being a wife is the bit I sometimes feel like I resent?

This is how I feel.

I would say it’s really the exact opposite of what you state op.

Simply being married requires only the simplest career coordination. Marriage does not require a name change. The financial merger provides economies of scale and efficiencies that benefit both partners.

Raising children together requires massive planning and decisions about how to handle careers, financial goals, schooling, etc. you must coordinate every aspect of your lives in order to make a household with children run.

It's both for me.

I sorely miss my independence from both a husband and children, I'm practically unrecognisable now.

Well that’s total bullshit, unless you’re married to someone that doesn’t do what a husband should do.
Children, yes, they are a something else. But married?

Opposite way round for me.

My DH has only ever been supportive towards my career. I definitely didn’t feel any different after marrying him and I also didn’t feel other people perceived me differently after getting married.

I did think all of those things post DC though

@BrownBrownHi

Interesting responses, I guess we see things differently

I don't think you are seeing things differently. I think you are doing things differently. For example, there is no need to change your name when you get married and nowadays many (most?) women don't. There's certainly no reason to do so if you don't want to.

It sounds like your marriage involves you sacrificing yourself, your needs, your wants, your ambitions for your DH. This isn't about marriage in general. It's not about how marriage is seen. Instead it's about your marriage specifically and what you are doing in that marriage.

If you are losing your identity in your marriage then change what you are doing.

Do you have children OP? I don't think me or DH changed a bit when we got married, it made literally zero difference to our day to day life whereas having children turned my life upside down, I'm a totally different person now

I couldn't disagree with you more!

Do you actually have children op? Not judging, it's a genuine question.

Would like to know if OP is married and has kids?

Being a mother is a more important job than being a wife. Being a wife to a good man like my DH I would not have to change anything, but to be a mum you must change. But, I do think that a few generations ago, your house and husband were something which defined you more, as long as you procreated it was fine, but kids were secondary as you did less with them- see numerous threads on here about parenting from grandparents generation.

Being a mum changes everything about you and you must allow the change to be just half decent at it.

If I never had kids and was a wife not a mother, I would have a personal trainer, buy the best quality and healthiest food with no cost spared, holiday where I liked with DH and hold conversations from start to finish with him too.

I also have a wonderful DH who's a great father, so it could vary depending on circumstances.

@Runrigdan

Do you actually have children op? Not judging, it's a genuine question.

I want to know too...come on op, tell us!

I've tended to find that it's not too hard to be an adequate parent. Nor is it to hard to be an adequate spouse.

Doing both at the same time, however ...

If you have a child your identity remains the same as always, your goals, your dreams, aspirations don’t have to be any different than before you had them

I think this is only true if your goals and aspirations were already centred around family and motherhood. If your aspirations involve career, travel, etc then I think you really do have to adjust them much more for children than for a husband.

I think that some women get to a point in their lives, typically around 50, when they look back and wonder why they gave up their independence etc for kids who have now flown the nest, and a husband that they have to consider/compromise with.
I think it’s the loss of the cosy mummy oestrogen factor, it pulls off those rose tinted glasses.

When I got married I didn’t change my name. Literally nothing changed except I was entitled to inherit his money and pensions if he died. My child, on the other hand, ruined my body and stopped me going out in the evening, prevents me working full time, ruins my weekends because I have to do boring child activities, and my freedom and health literally disappeared overnight.

If you have a child your identity remains the same as always, your goals, your dreams, aspirations don’t have to be any different than before you had them, you are always the same person you always were before having children, and you don’t have to change

Wow.

One of my best friends said she felt utterly erased when she had her baby.

She couldn't be herself. As soon as she got up in the morning, it was time to be a mum & it stayed that way until she went to bed. No time for anything for herself.

When she was in a relationship with no children, she was who she was. Her identity didn't really change.

You have some deeply weird ideas about marriage.

Absolutely the opposite here!
I love my children but my identity has completely changed since having them. The responsibility is huge, my career was sidelined for a bit and I'm probably 10 years behind my peers, as a result the plans of what I "could have done" have been adjusted, I don't mind this btw but I'm not who I would have been had I not had kids.

DH and I had similar goals/plans etc which he still talks about but I don't think are feasible now we have children. We haven't moved for example because of their schooling.

Identity is more than your name which you don't have to change just because you marry. Plenty of people I know, particularly doctors keep their names on marriage.

@Blueleah

When I got married I didn’t change my name. Literally nothing changed except I was entitled to inherit his money and pensions if he died. My child, on the other hand, ruined my body and stopped me going out in the evening, prevents me working full time, ruins my weekends because I have to do boring child activities, and my freedom and health literally disappeared overnight.

Yes exactly..because I have children I cannot work freely or socialise freely. I have to consider them constantly and make lots of arrangements to do anything without them. Financially you're generally better off if you're married and running one home in two incomes. Kids just drain your cash

I suppose it depends on the dynamic of your relationship with your husband and your approach to parenting?

My relationship with my husband is the easiest thing in my life. We're very aligned in what we want from life, how we approach parenting and how we make big decisions. We've been together since we were teenagers and were lucky enough to grow together rather than apart. There's some amount of compromise, but I think that's the case for all close relationships, not just marriage.

Being a mother has resulted in significant shifting of my career and personal goals, and has required far more sacrifices and compromises and that's absolutely ok because I see that as part of the job description. It has meant the same for my husband.

I actually think I’m a good mum and an average partner. The love I have for my child is unconditional and enormous. It is relatively easier to sacrifice things for her than my other half.
Huge shift in identity though becoming a mum.

@Blueleah

When I got married I didn’t change my name. Literally nothing changed except I was entitled to inherit his money and pensions if he died. My child, on the other hand, ruined my body and stopped me going out in the evening, prevents me working full time, ruins my weekends because I have to do boring child activities, and my freedom and health literally disappeared overnight.

I can relate to this. Your life changes dramatically when your have DC.

How much did your DHs life change having DC?

I think having kids is life changing. You sacrifice every part of yourself: physically, mentally, economically, sexually, and whether or not it’s worth it depends on the kids you end up with.

Husband, how much you sacrifice depends on the husband.

I would say you’ve married the wrong man.