To feel like being a mum is easier than being a wife?

[BrownBrownHi]

And to think marriage requires more commitment than having kids?

If you have a child your identity remains the same as always, your goals, your dreams, aspirations don’t have to be any different than before you had them, you are always the same person you always were before having children, and you don’t have to change your name or have your identity become Mrs Someone, only thing that changes really is that you have an additional person or more people to take care of other than yourself.

Meanwhile when you marry, your goals are no longer your own, you job/career plans have to be carefully adjusted so they can match his because in a marriage you always have to compromise on everything, where you live, where you work, what type of house to buy and where and women end up compromising the most. You lose a lot but gain very little. Which is why I think marriage rates keep declining throughout the years because women have realised there’s not much to gain from being married and it’s not guaranteed to be a lifelong commitment anyway. It’s a lot of hard work for no real reason. AIBU?

Ditch the husband.
Stay with the kids.

Problem solved.

@HereticFanjo

It's doing both roles is the killer. I can be a great wife or a great mum - trying to be both I fail at both.

Absolutely! Like with lockdown and DH WFH and kids off school. I say I can cope with dh, I can cope with the dc...I cannot cope with all together!

I can't even begin to understand how anyone could feel like this. I've never understood why people say marriage is hard work, having DH in my life has always made it easier and better, not harder. I would also say that my children have made my life better but they definitely have not made it easier.

Also, just to check - you know it isn't compulsory to change your name if you get married? I didn't.

Team opposite all the way.

I can't remember the last time someone spoke to me using my name rather than 'mum'.

I don’t know. Getting married didn’t require me to be literally sliced open then spend a year tied physically and emotionally to an incredibly needy person who required my constant input and attention. Didn’t require me to take months off work. Didn’t require me to lose endless irrecoverable hours of sleep. Didn’t require me to cook, clean up and wash another person every single day. Didn’t cost me vast sums of money in purchasing clothing / equipment / toys etc. Didn’t fundamentally change me in a way I don’t think I’ll ever really go back from.

Honestly having a baby was harder and more life changing in literally every single way than getting married.

God, that definitely sounds the wrong way round. Don’t get me wrong, there are occasionally compromises in relation to jobs and working hours and that sort of thing but no - it’s my children who have changed my life and require more effort and compromises than my DH.

I don't feel that I have had to give up my identity or aspirations as a result of marriage or motherhood tbh. I am still the same person, with the same interests and the same goals/dreams as I always had, though they have changed and evolved a bit with age, as you might expect.

It's rather sad that you feel that way, OP. I suspect that you might have compromised in your marriage rather too much. Are you happy? Do you want to stay married?

Marrying my husband just brought someone else along in my life.

Having children changed me wholly and completely.

My identity didn't change in any way when I got married. I didn't lose any freedoms I had, I didn't change my name, my job and house remained the same. I gained time in the sense that DH was doing his fair share of the housework etc (although we'd lived together beforehand so I gained this extra time when we moved in together rather than when we got married).

When I had my children my identity did change. I've had to compromise far more for the children than I ever have for DH. And DH brings money into the house whereas the children are a constant expense.

Nope. Absolutely the opposite for me. Being a mother fundamentally changed my life in ways being married has not.

I'm with everyone else - it is the opposite of what you have put in your OP.
What I can't understand is 1/5th of the votes are currently saying YANBU, when all of the posts say YABU.

I agree OP. Being a single mum was great it was my ex husband who was utterly exhausting. I've always been much happier without a man in my life.

I was a great wife until dd came along. Not so much now I'm afraid :( I am so tired

Interesting responses, I guess we see things differently

I would reverse pretty much every statement you made.

I found that having a child has taken a lot of compromise and putting my career on a back burner for a while. Giving up my sport, or rather changing to another one. Changes to lifestyle and budget.

Motherhood is still much easier than being married though. Much more fun.

Are you married and do you have kids?
I see things the other way around. Having kids certainly changed my priorities in life - they became much more important in my life than my job - I wanted children but didn’t really expect to be changed emotionally so much - my life did change but I enjoyed the experience and was happy to let my life be changed by it. Marriage brought me stability and security, children brought me a sense of purpose and identity far more important that my job and responsibility and joy - quite different to the contented feeling of being married. Before kids it was more “live to work” but with kids it was more “work to live”.

I’m a dad BTW FWIW.

Gosh, couldn’t disagree more!

It was absolutely having children that changed my life irrevocably.

Being married hasn’t meant giving things up - quite the opposite.

@Kite22

I'm with everyone else - it is the opposite of what you have put in your OP. What I can't understand is 1/5th of the votes are currently saying YANBU, when all of the posts say YABU.

The YANBU votes will be all the MNers that come on to complain about their drop-kick, ineffectual husbands, who make their lives soooo much grade than it needs to be.

I imagine being married to some of the specimens described on here would very much make you come to the conclusion that being a Mum is a lot easier than being a wife.

@CeeCeeDeeBee

I think it’s easy for me to love as a mum. I give my love freely and joyfully.

As a wife, though, giving my love has become more fraught since having DC. DH is no longer my top priority and I know he feels it.

@CeeCeeDeeBee. But isn’t it mutual, though? Once DH and I had children, they became the top priority and the most loved for both of us. We still have a good relationship, but DD and DS are in joint first place for both of us, even when they’re being annoying teens.🤣

Opposite for me, if you are not getting on with your husband you can leave him, you can’t leave your kids, well you can but not many women do that do they, I find parenting extremely hard and it’s completely changed me as a person.

But isn’t it mutual, though? Once DH and I had children, they became the top priority and the most loved for both of us.
We still have a good relationship, but DD and DS are in joint first place for both of us, even when they’re being annoying teens.

Exactly - it’s mutual!

If this is how you feel about your marriage, I can confidently say you’ve married the wrong person. When you get married, you marry that person for who they are. Not for who you want to make them be. That’s not how it works. Ideally you should have talked about your life goals before getting married. Either they align and you get married. Or they don’t and you part ways. Not this whackadoodle third option where you just stifle who you are and what you want. How did this even happen? How did you even allow this to happen? This isn’t normal at all and it’s not reflect of a true marriage. Get couples therapy or solo therapy if he’s unwilling.