To feel like being a mum is easier than being a wife?

[BrownBrownHi]

And to think marriage requires more commitment than having kids?

If you have a child your identity remains the same as always, your goals, your dreams, aspirations don’t have to be any different than before you had them, you are always the same person you always were before having children, and you don’t have to change your name or have your identity become Mrs Someone, only thing that changes really is that you have an additional person or more people to take care of other than yourself.

Meanwhile when you marry, your goals are no longer your own, you job/career plans have to be carefully adjusted so they can match his because in a marriage you always have to compromise on everything, where you live, where you work, what type of house to buy and where and women end up compromising the most. You lose a lot but gain very little. Which is why I think marriage rates keep declining throughout the years because women have realised there’s not much to gain from being married and it’s not guaranteed to be a lifelong commitment anyway. It’s a lot of hard work for no real reason. AIBU?

Yep opposite, I’ve never changed for a man.

I don’t think either of us has had to make any compromises for each other. If anything, having another adult to support us has made us stronger and really opened up our options. He set up a business. I did a MA. I don’t think either of these would have been possible without each other.
We’ve made a shit loads for our kids though.

OPPOSITE.

My DP never once distracted me from my studies or work. Just facilitated them by taking care of domestic stuff so I could focus entirely on what I wanted to. I’m doing the same for him now he’s doing a CPD course/applying for a new job.

My son can’t sit on his own for 5 seconds without climbing on me. I can’t be in true house for more than an hour before he starts running around screaming like a banshee. I tried reading him my uni books which ended up in pages ripped out and eaten.

I don’t know if I’ll take his name when we marry this winter, not fussed and neither is he.

Don't agree - you sound like you are in the 1950's

Absolute nonsense

What a load of shit...

I have lots of childfree married friends. They have far more freedom and opportunities than me with my two DC.

I have nothing to add@BrownBrownHi i think thats pretty much my take on the whole transaction..id also add ive yet to meet a married couple that was happy,or that I envied-so many miserable,bullied&finally trapped women..and so many guys i know personally from uni days/work have cheated irl or are having online affairs-the ones also feeling"trapped"by the prison of their own making i mean,their wife/kids/mortgage/pets&in-laws. Who's kids have the same ideals on marriage nowadays?hopefully they look at the older gens&think "why would you"!

An assisted birth and the cumulative effect of 3 years of sleep deprivation mean I'm very much not the same person as I was pre-DC. On the other hand, it also means I don't give a f@$# about how my DH would rate my wife abilities on a scale of 1 to 10.

Do you have DC? Wait until you can't go to the toilet in peace or take a bath by yourself, let alone go out for last-minute drinks with friends, and then talk about how being a mother doesn't erode your identity. At my most sleep-deprived, I used to listen to myself talk at playgroups and think "Not only does this woman have no personality but it's entirely possible that English isn't her first language".

•financially trapped women

Is it Opposite Day today and I just missed the memo?

Sorry I have to respectfully disagree. My marriage has its ups and downs like most do and we work things through. My dds have been the most wonderful but also most heartbreaking part of my life. When they start to do things that you know are unhealthy for them but they do them anyway. If my dh did awful things I doubt I'd feel the same as I do when it's been my girls. I worry about them more and hope they always make good decisions and are happy. I think being a parent is a life long struggle between utter joy in them and also deep sadness. Xxx

I divorced my first husband as he turned out to be a bit of an arsehole. But… he never dictated what happened with my career or the house we chose. What an odd post!

Do you have children op?

I think you might be married to the wrong person.

Another person queueing up to say the OP can't possibly have children, but definitely has a twat for a husband.

If you have a child your identity remains the same as always
Nope, I'm now not only me the Manager, me the person, I'm also now DS mum - a whole new additional identity.
Your goals, your dreams, aspirations don’t have to be any different than before you had them but they are, now my goals include giving my kids the best start I possibly can, and that includes changing my own selfish drsams and aspirations to become more aware of theirs instead.
and you don’t have to change your name you don't have to change your name ever?

Meanwhile when you marry, your goals are no longer your own *my goals were always my own, and I helped DH with his too before kids came alone.

you job/career plans have to be carefully adjusted so they can match his because in a marriage you always have to compromise on everything nope - we both have always been happy with each other, that's precisely WHY we are married. We like each other and the choices we make. We have discussed our jobs and homes but neither have compromised at the insistence of the other.

it’s a lot of hard work again I disagree, my marriage is easy, parenting is fucking hard.

This is the exact opposite to my experience. Getting married gave me lots of extra possibilities and opportunities, much more scope for finding the house and area I would be happy to live in, and because DH is great, my horizonsand dreams expanded when I met him.
My kids much as I ADORE them and don't regret them for a second, have absolutely thrown a bomb into my life and my career, body, self-esteem, hobbies, fitness, self-care, sleep, housework standards, sex life and mental health have all taken a nosedive.
I'm hoping it's temporary and once they're both in primary school I might rediscover my identity.

Jesus you've met some bad men! My DH is my biggest supporter. When we got married I had to fine a new job (which I suspect but could not prove was due to me marrying, but not DH's fault). In looking for new jobs, DH was more than willing to quit his own job with excellent promotion prospects to follow me across the world to Hong Kong. I ended up instead staying in the UK but we had to move house and DH now has a pretty shit commute so I'm close to my work. When we had a child, he made big changes to his work and pushed for flexible working options to support me through a rough pregnancy and early parenthood. He earns almost double my wages, supports all my aspirations, and has offered to fund me changing career when I had a bit of a crisis on Mat Leave. DD, on the other hand, whilst I love her to death, impacts my life choices and identity far more. I can no longer think about taking off across the world, and my wage is instrumental to paying nursery fees so career changes are not practical. My name is now "Mummy" or "DD's Mummy", whereas it did not change on marriage. People (friends, family, colleagues) frequently ask about DD over me, whereas poor DH is barely mentioned.

I am my husband's partner, but we can both function perfectly well as individuals with or without the other. DD is part of me though. It is a very different relationship where she is the priority.

@badgerswitharms

Oosh. You've either married the wrong person or I've birthed the wrong kids.

Me and my husband have similar aims and interests. Neither which involve 400 episodes of paw patrol or a Lego marathon over a country walk.

This is a fabulous answer and pretty much what I came on to say.

Although I'd have swapped 'paw patrol' with 'Jack Grealish' and Lego marathon to "boring on about FIFA..." due to the respective ages of our offspring.

I think it’s easy for me to love as a mum. I give my love freely and joyfully.

As a wife, though, giving my love has become more fraught since having DC. DH is no longer my top priority and I know he feels it.

My experience has been the exact opposite of this OP. DH has done nothing but support and help further my career / interests etc. My DD is v demanding and a huge drag on my career and desires. That's ok, she's 4 and I adore her and she enriches my life but it's DH who supports and facilitates my life.

If you have a child your identity remains the same as always, your goals, your dreams, aspirations don’t have to be any different than before you had them

This has given me the biggest laugh of the day. Very funny. 😂

I feel it's vice versa to be honest, you can get rid of an awful husband easily, not so a child.

It's doing both roles is the killer. I can be a great wife or a great mum - trying to be both I fail at both.