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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Who is BU..me or him?

83 replies

junglejane56 · 04/09/2021 12:29

I have a ds10 from previous relationship. Been with now husband 5 years and have a baby on the way. Dh has no kids of his own but has a good relationship with ds.

On the weekends I like to plan stuff to do. Dh is fine with some things like cinema, football and so on but when it comes to more kid focused stuff he finds it boring. Today we are going to a soft play centre (a good massive one, not the usual crap lol) and then going for lunch afterwards at an American themed diner. Dh hasn't complained but I can tell he'd rather be doing something else. I just said 'you don't want to go do you' and he replied not really.

Now I know he's entitled to feel this way, soft play isn't my idea of fun either but it's something my ds will enjoy. And when our new baby arrives he is going to have to realise that small kids enjoy things that he views as a bit shit. I tried explaining this to him and he eye rolled and walked off.

Aibu to expect a bit more enthusiasm rather than casting a downer on the day before we've even set off?

OP posts:
SquirryTheSquirrel · 04/09/2021 12:34

You say he was going along with this without complaining, but admitted when you asked that he wasn't keen. I don't think it's fair to expect him to fake enthusiasm. It's a children's activity, not an adult activity. I agree if he'd been moaning and complaining that would be unreasonable, but he didn't say anything until you asked, so I think in this instance you are the one BU.

CyclingIsNotOuting · 04/09/2021 12:35

He sounds very immature.
Looking after kids is mostly drudge work and I include soft play in this.
Welcome to the party.

BunnytheFriendlyDragon · 04/09/2021 12:35

He doesn't have to do everything with you does he?

Tell him you are going to soft play. He is welcome to join you or not.

Fallsballs · 04/09/2021 12:36

Why don’t you go by yourself with DS ?

BunnytheFriendlyDragon · 04/09/2021 12:36

I think YABU. Why should he feign enthusiasm about it. It's nice that he's going with you

IWasBornInAThunderstorm · 04/09/2021 12:37

If it was obvious he wasnt enjoying it what did you expect him to answer? You asked, he answered honestly.

It's different doing something really dull for your own kid.

chocolatesaltyballs22 · 04/09/2021 12:37

I think you're expecting too much of him - your son isn't his child so why should he have to tag along every time?

IHopeYouStepOnALegoPiece · 04/09/2021 12:39

Aibu to expect a bit more enthusiasm rather than casting a downer on the day before we've even set off?

But he wasn’t complaining or refusing to go, he was going along with it but when asked outright, admitted he didn’t want to. You can’t ask him then be pissed off at the answer

PlanDeRaccordement · 04/09/2021 12:39

Do you plan something for every weekend?

Original poster
junglejane56 · 04/09/2021 12:40

He doesn't tag along everyt time but at the weekend it tends to me a more family affair. He obviously doesn't attend every birthday party and every after school activity, in fact I do pretty much everything for ds.

However after 5 years together (half of my sons life) I don't think it's unreasonable to expect him to partake in the odd family weekend activity. But maybe IABU to expect him to be happy about it Grin

OP posts:
namechange30455 · 04/09/2021 12:40

YABU. He was willing to go along without complaining, no-one over the age of 12 "really wants to go" to soft play do they? I'm surprised a 10yo does tbh!

RhodaDendron · 04/09/2021 12:41

Do you ask your DH for suggestions? Tbh I wouldn’t like that day either, but I’d happily do other activities with kids. I think it’s ok not to like soft play and diners as long as he will do other stuff! Cinema and football are fairly kid friendly?

Original poster
junglejane56 · 04/09/2021 12:41

@PlanDeRaccordement no not every weekend. Quite often ds and I go swimming or out just the two of us but when it's something a bit different or further afield we all tend to go.

OP posts:
Original poster
junglejane56 · 04/09/2021 12:42

@namechange30455 it's a mega soft play, a huge one. One of the ones they let adults use so ds is quite excited about it. If it were the standard grotty ones near us he would say no thanks mum!

OP posts:
Dozer · 04/09/2021 12:45

God, I hated soft play! Would not enjoy that or the diner of a weekend. You did ask him directly.

If your H disliked the things you’re organising, he should say so and suggest a new plan, eg doing less of these kinds of outings, doing different things, one of you getting time alone or with friends/family (taking turns). It’s passive aggressive if he’s attending but make clear he’s not enjoying it.

Topseyt · 04/09/2021 12:45

He doesn't have to like it or really pretend to, as long as he allows DS to enjoy it

He doesn't have to go, surely. Go on your own with your DD. DH can maybe join you afterwards for the meal.

It is fair enough though to say that you will expect him to pull his weight with this sort of thing when the child you are currently expecting (his) is born and is old enough. He needs to know that it will be expected of him and you won't just be doing everything. His child too, as I sometimes had to remind DH.

PlanDeRaccordement · 04/09/2021 12:50

Ok,
YANBU to be concerned that your DH doesn’t want to go/doesn’t like the activities you plan. YABU to assume that everything kids like are “a bit shit” that doesn’t have to be the case.

But there is a solution for that, and that’s family discussion at dinner table where you can all put forth ideas for fun weekends and plan them together. This takes the burden off you for trying to keep everyone happy...which is a thankless job. Encourage your DH and DS to look online and find things they might like doing. Like go to an outdoor recreation Center and hire a canoe or climb their indoor climbing wall. Go and visit a castle for a picnic. Or if they just want a weekend at home building Lego masterpieces or playing games, that is fine too.

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 04/09/2021 12:53

Dh and I tag team softplay. It certainly cant be classed as a family activity as the DC are (rightly) off on the play frame for hours.

The adult with them drinks coffee and reads.

I've got every sympathy for second adults dragged unnecessarily along to the hell that is soft play

SpacePotato · 04/09/2021 12:55

[quote junglejane56]@namechange30455 it's a mega soft play, a huge one. One of the ones they let adults use so ds is quite excited about it. If it were the standard grotty ones near us he would say no thanks mum! [/quote]
When you say they let adults use it, does that mean you expect your DH to be going around it with your DS? Assuming you won't be due to being pregnant?

Soft play with a toddler is bad enough as you have to suck it up and stay with them, (if lucky enough to have two parents present you can tag team for a break) but soft play with a 10 year old means you've earned the right to sit and drink tea and play with your phone. I couldn't feign enthusiasm either sorry.

I'm quite sure soft play is one of Dante's circles of hell.

IWasBornInAThunderstorm · 04/09/2021 12:57

Maybe ask DH if there's anything he fancies doing with you both? Like visiting a town and having lunch. Or going to a shop and getting a few bits for himself.

aSofaNearYou · 04/09/2021 13:00

YABU. As a step parent I'd be really pissed off if my partner not only expected me to do everything with his son as if he were mine, but expected me to be really enthusiastic about it. Cut him some slack, he's already being very patient for you. If he won't do these things with your shared child (and not just isn't enthusiastic because that's normal), complain then.

Flowers500 · 04/09/2021 13:01

I can honestly say that my parents never did a single child themed thing with me after I was older than a v small child. I would literally rather tear my eyes out with a spoon than spend my weekends doing things that are only enjoyable for a child, especially when the child is old enough to do actual things like watch a decent film, go for a hike, do a gallery, visit a town, do something with animals, go to a national trust property, go to nice gardens, etc. I consider it an almost bizarre level of indulgence, there are so many things kids enjoy that are not dental surgery without anaesthetic.

Xmassprout · 04/09/2021 13:04

YABU

Soft play is shit, and he wasn't complaining. I could understand if he was complaining, but you asked him a question and he answered honestly. Doesn't really matter if he enjoys doing it or not, he is clearly prepared to still do it

Original poster
junglejane56 · 04/09/2021 13:04

@SpacePotato no sorry I wasn't clear, I mean it's one of the big centres that adults can hire out in an evening (why they'd want to who knows?) it's themed and not your run of the mill soft play centre.

Honestly I don't drag him along with us every time we've been to soft play - this is a special one lol. He won't be required to join in.

OP posts:
Flowers500 · 04/09/2021 13:05

Ideas of things to do that are not twisted medieval torture mechanisms:
--go swimming in the sea
--go canoeing
--a movie
--trip to a nice park
--do a gentle hike
--go to a nature centre
--go to an art gallery
--an interesting museum like science or natural history
--go to a farm or animal sanctuary
--go see a castle
--tea in a cute village on the train
--play crazy golf
--watch a sports match
--go on a climbing wall
--pottery making
--take watercolours and do paintings outdoors
--kick a ball around
--take another child too and let them entertain themselves e.g. at the beach or in a forest