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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Who is BU..me or him?

83 replies

junglejane56 · 04/09/2021 12:29

I have a ds10 from previous relationship. Been with now husband 5 years and have a baby on the way. Dh has no kids of his own but has a good relationship with ds.

On the weekends I like to plan stuff to do. Dh is fine with some things like cinema, football and so on but when it comes to more kid focused stuff he finds it boring. Today we are going to a soft play centre (a good massive one, not the usual crap lol) and then going for lunch afterwards at an American themed diner. Dh hasn't complained but I can tell he'd rather be doing something else. I just said 'you don't want to go do you' and he replied not really.

Now I know he's entitled to feel this way, soft play isn't my idea of fun either but it's something my ds will enjoy. And when our new baby arrives he is going to have to realise that small kids enjoy things that he views as a bit shit. I tried explaining this to him and he eye rolled and walked off.

Aibu to expect a bit more enthusiasm rather than casting a downer on the day before we've even set off?

OP posts:
Original poster
junglejane56 · 04/09/2021 14:00

Appreciate the responses. Glad to know the general consensus is that I'm expecting too much rather than him not doing enough.

Those who are saying that soft play is purely for my sons enjoyment - you're right. But the diner is somewhere we all wanted to go and it's nearby. Next time I'll leave dh at home!

OP posts:
AnneLovesGilbert · 04/09/2021 14:03

I’ve sat through my fair share of crap kids films at the cinema because my DSC liked them. That was my choice, if someone had tried to make me I wouldbr have done it.

After the first couple of times at soft play I chose to have a lie in instead and DH managed perfectly well taking them by himself.

OP’s DH hasn’t even refused to go to this awful sounding outing, he’s just not jumping for joy about it. And there’s no reason he has to.

AnneLovesGilbert · 04/09/2021 14:05

Next time I'll leave dh at home!

In future he can have time with the baby while you focus on your son.

With such a big age gap it’s going to be a constant juggling act. We have the same between DH older ones and our shared one. It often involves dividing and conquering so no one is bored.

Lorw · 04/09/2021 14:08

Soft play is my idea of hell, loads of screaming kids and it’s so hot you nearly pass out, no adult surely enjoys it and I take my hats off to those who can actually fake enthusiasm for it 😂

Maybe do more family stuff OP 😁

Notaroadrunner · 04/09/2021 14:13

The only time I'd have gone to soft play is if another parent was going with their child so we'd have a chat. Dh and I never once went together with our Ds. Its enough torture for one parent to endure so I can understand your Dh not being enthusiastic. Given the choice, I doubt there are many parents who actually want to go to such places so your Dh was simply being honest, which isn't the same as complaining about it.

AccidentallyOnPurpose · 04/09/2021 14:20

The issue isn't that he doesn't want to go. The issue is he's not enthusiastic enough about it for your liking.

Let's turn this around. Are you really that excited about going? Do you really want to go?

arethereanyleftatall · 04/09/2021 14:31

Yabu.
Whilst we all do things for our children we don't enjoy when they're young, surely by ten years old this is all finished, or only very occasionally if not?
I'd actually go further and say it's damaging for a child of 10 to be taken somewhere they will enjoy and have your parents sat there thoroughly bored whilst you enjoy yourself, seemingly quite often. What's that teaching them? I wouldn't do that to a friend of mine for example.
Can a ten year old not be left at a soft play? I'd probably drop them, go for a walk or something we'd enjoy with my partner, then all go for dinner together.

Imnothereforthedrama · 04/09/2021 15:12

I think your being a tad unreasonable soft play is shit nobody likes it well not adults obviously kids do .
I wouldn’t force my worst enemy to come to soft play never mind my dh .
You take dc if you want maybe say it’s his turn next time but forcing 2 adults to go nah . Maybe something else like the park would be better .

Soubriquet · 04/09/2021 15:14

Tbh, he may have a good relationship with your ds but it won’t be the same bond he will have with his own baby.

Plus a 10 year old at soft play will be boring for adults

SkiingIsHeaven · 04/09/2021 15:31

He just sounds like a normal bloke.

I hate soft play places too.

AnneLovesGilbert · 04/09/2021 15:35

You take dc if you want maybe say it’s his turn next time but forcing 2 adults to go nah

Why on Earth would it be his turn? He doesn’t like soft play. It’s not his kid.

Imnothereforthedrama · 04/09/2021 16:34

@AnneLovesGilbert

You take dc if you want maybe say it’s his turn next time but forcing 2 adults to go nah

Why on Earth would it be his turn? He doesn’t like soft play. It’s not his kid.

It’s not his kid ! That’s not the issue and if was I wouldn’t be worried about the soft play ,jeez do step parents say i’m not taking him that’s not my kid . I don’t think so !
chocolatesaltyballs22 · 04/09/2021 16:43

It’s not his kid ! That’s not the issue and if was I wouldn’t be worried about the soft play ,jeez do step parents say i’m not taking him that’s not my kid . I don’t think so !

Err yeah course they do....I don't go to any of my stepkids activities.

BritWifeInUSA · 04/09/2021 16:53

I don’t have children and soft play wasn’t around when I was a child but I’ve read enough about it on here to know it’s my idea of hell. You can’t expect him to be thrilled about spending he’d weekend sitting waiting for your son to finish his bouncing around session. I spend all week indoors at work. I like to get outside and do things at the weekend. He might feel the same way.

An “American-themed diner” (which is probably McDonald’s-type food but at double the price because it’s on a plate and brought to your table and nothing like a real diner here) would fill me with dread too but at least it’s more of a family thing than the bouncy play. At least you’re all together.

IWasBornInAThunderstorm · 04/09/2021 16:57

jeez do step parents say i’m not taking him that’s not my kid . I don’t think so personally I've never said it as it wouldn't even cross my DH's mind to ask me to take them!

Simonjt · 04/09/2021 17:28

Do any adults like softplay? I take my son because he enjoys it, I end up spending a few hours bored and sat on a crap plastic patio chair, if my husband wanted to come along I’d think he’d lost his mind.

ChargingBuck · 04/09/2021 17:32

@BunnytheFriendlyDragon

He doesn't have to do everything with you does he?

Tell him you are going to soft play. He is welcome to join you or not.

Yeah, that'll be a really good way for OP to teach him that he can simply refuse to participate in any child-based activity or chore he doesn't fancy ...

OP - he doesn't have to like it. I'm sure you don't like a lot of the drudge work. But he still has to do it.

Simonjt · 04/09/2021 17:38

@ChargingBuck Why does he have to do it? He isn’t the childs parent.

ChargingBuck · 04/09/2021 17:41

[quote Simonjt]@ChargingBuck Why does he have to do it? He isn’t the childs parent.[/quote]
I wasn't talking about this specific instance & child Simon.

I was talking about not inadvertently training him up to believe that it's acceptable to be so grudging about child-related activities once he also has his own.

Bollindger · 04/09/2021 17:42

If it's a distance away, you could always drop your husband at a near by pub,, and pick him up on your way to dinner,
That;s why we call pubs Men Creche.

Planty13 · 04/09/2021 17:44

YANBU. It pisses me off too. I book and plan things for the kids. Sometimes it’s my idea of hell but I do it for the kids. And the fact that OH is all ugh about it when he never does any of the planning really hits a nerve.

AnneLovesGilbert · 04/09/2021 19:20

I was talking about not inadvertently training him up to believe that it's acceptable to be so grudging about child-related activities once he also has his own.

He’s not obliged to engage in “child related activities” once he has his own beyond caring for them. Thankfully there are no laws yet making soft okay or the like an obligatory part of life just because you’ve had a child.

Plenty of us are bringing up bright, inquisitive, interesting children without chucking money at stuff we wouldn’t enjoy.

Once this baby is born its father will have just as much of a say in what it does as OP does. Maybe he’ll take it to galleries or sports matches instead. It’ll be partly up to him.

AnneLovesGilbert · 04/09/2021 19:22

@Planty13

YANBU. It pisses me off too. I book and plan things for the kids. Sometimes it’s my idea of hell but I do it for the kids. And the fact that OH is all ugh about it when he never does any of the planning really hits a nerve.
Entirely your choice to do things you find hell. Don’t blame anyone else or expect them to feign interest when it was your idea.

If your partner is your DC’s other parent and isn’t making an effort that’s sad but irrelevant to the OP as her partner isn’t her son’s parent.

WomanStanleyWoman · 04/09/2021 20:56

I was talking about not inadvertently training him up to believe that it's acceptable to be so grudging about child-related activities once he also has his own.

‘Training’ him? ‘Teaching’ him? You know the OP didn’t marry a dog, right?

BrendaBubbles · 04/09/2021 20:59

People overestimate what children want nowadays. I grew up without ever going to such a thing and don’t feel deprived. Then you see parents who take their kids on long round the world nomadic lifestyles and they seem happy as Larry. Maybe find activities you can all enjoy without playing martyr doing “kid stuff” that ultimately isn’t strictly necessary.