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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Who is BU..me or him?

83 replies

junglejane56 · 04/09/2021 12:29

I have a ds10 from previous relationship. Been with now husband 5 years and have a baby on the way. Dh has no kids of his own but has a good relationship with ds.

On the weekends I like to plan stuff to do. Dh is fine with some things like cinema, football and so on but when it comes to more kid focused stuff he finds it boring. Today we are going to a soft play centre (a good massive one, not the usual crap lol) and then going for lunch afterwards at an American themed diner. Dh hasn't complained but I can tell he'd rather be doing something else. I just said 'you don't want to go do you' and he replied not really.

Now I know he's entitled to feel this way, soft play isn't my idea of fun either but it's something my ds will enjoy. And when our new baby arrives he is going to have to realise that small kids enjoy things that he views as a bit shit. I tried explaining this to him and he eye rolled and walked off.

Aibu to expect a bit more enthusiasm rather than casting a downer on the day before we've even set off?

OP posts:
Glitterandunicorns · 04/09/2021 13:07

I think you're getting a rough ride here, OP. The child is 10 and your DH has been a step parent to him for half of his life. He should be treating him as if he's his own, and part of that is doing the stuff your kid wants to do.
If he does that stuff with your new baby but not with his step son, then that is a problem.
If he doesn't do that stuff with your new baby, then that is also an issue. I hope it's not going to be like that for you.

If it's just you doing that stuff with your son all the time, then how is he and his step father supposed to have a relationship?

Being a parent (step or otherwise), means that you have to stuff that otherwise you might not choose to do, because your kid wants to.

Jessaas · 04/09/2021 13:08

What's the problem? He's going along and not actively complaining.

Do you want him to lie and say it sounds like an excellent way to spend a day?

SpacePotato · 04/09/2021 13:14

So you want him to be happy about sitting at a table for a few hours doing nothing in a soft play place, surrounded by many other, usually very loud, children and their equally bored parents?
Soft play is to tire your kids out and try to have a drink in peace while you MN, not 'fun family time'

He is there to keep you company. You could've just accepted that he was going along with it for you instead of pushing him to admit he wasn't really arsed.

Aprilx · 04/09/2021 13:15

I am not a parent and “soft play” wasn’t a thing when I was a child, so I have learned something today because I always thought it was for toddlers. 😅

Anyway I think you are being pretty unreasonable as he hasn’t complained and only said when asked that he would rather not go. Would any adult actively want to go to soft play? It sounds like it is something you could do with your son and all three of you go when the activity is more inclusive, like a trip to a safari park, theme park or a bike ride or whatever.

Thethreecs · 04/09/2021 13:16

All soft play are the work of the devil. I'm so glad those days are over. I hated going. I just don't see the need for everyone to go and be miserable. Yes, kids do love them but I don't know any parent who does.

You say it's for adults too. Oh dear god, does this mean that the poor man now has to have to participate?

My last outing was to an indoor trampoline party, when the mother told me at the door that I had to remove my shoes I nearly lost my life, me a woman in her late 40s after having 5 kids bouncing up and down, no thanks...

IWasBornInAThunderstorm · 04/09/2021 13:17

He should be treating him as if he's his own Where's that stepparent bingo card when you need it..

aSofaNearYou · 04/09/2021 13:17

@Glitterandunicorns

I think you're getting a rough ride here, OP. The child is 10 and your DH has been a step parent to him for half of his life. He should be treating him as if he's his own, and part of that is doing the stuff your kid wants to do. If he does that stuff with your new baby but not with his step son, then that is a problem. If he doesn't do that stuff with your new baby, then that is also an issue. I hope it's not going to be like that for you.

If it's just you doing that stuff with your son all the time, then how is he and his step father supposed to have a relationship?

Being a parent (step or otherwise), means that you have to stuff that otherwise you might not choose to do, because your kid wants to.

Haha no. Just no.

Firstly, he is doing those things with him, and he's not even actively complaining about it, he was just honest when OP asked if he really wanted to do it.

Secondly, no he does NOT have to view her son as his own. I think she's being incredibly cheeky and ungrateful being unsatisfied with him doing all these things for her son, oh no, he's got to love it too.

She's getting an easy ride, not a rough one.

SunbathingDragon · 04/09/2021 13:18

I don’t think you can expect adults to pretend to be enthusiastic about some things. I have children but there is no soft play in the world that could make me feel enthusiastic about going to it.

HurryUpAndWait23 · 04/09/2021 13:20

10 year old at a soft play centre?
Your DH isn't the only one who will be bored!

I find kid stuff boring.

WomanStanleyWoman · 04/09/2021 13:22

For most adults, regardless of whether they’re parents or step-parents, taking the kids to soft play is duty. I don’t see why you’d expect enthusiasm. It’s your son you’re going for - and frankly, he won’t notice whether his stepdad is enjoying himself or not.

Flowers500 · 04/09/2021 13:23

@Glitterandunicorns

I think you're getting a rough ride here, OP. The child is 10 and your DH has been a step parent to him for half of his life. He should be treating him as if he's his own, and part of that is doing the stuff your kid wants to do. If he does that stuff with your new baby but not with his step son, then that is a problem. If he doesn't do that stuff with your new baby, then that is also an issue. I hope it's not going to be like that for you.

If it's just you doing that stuff with your son all the time, then how is he and his step father supposed to have a relationship?

Being a parent (step or otherwise), means that you have to stuff that otherwise you might not choose to do, because your kid wants to.

I don't get why people pander to kids (over the age of 5...) and waste their time doing shit, crappy activities when there are lots of things you can do that are mutually enjoyable. Like people who waste their money and AL going to Disneyland (who don't want to go themselves!) just because they have a child? No you don't have to "do the stuff your kid wants to do," that's why they have friends, so they can do trash kid crap together.
messybun101 · 04/09/2021 13:26

Is it similar to Ryze op? I don't know if you have them where you are but we do in Scotland and it's for older kids-adults with a smaller area for lite ones?

If so, does he have health problems that will prevent him having some fun too? Maybe you've explained it as a soft play but he doesn't realise it's actually this type of place?

Morechocolatethanbarbara · 04/09/2021 13:26

You say you do "pretty much all of the parenting of DS" but he's YOUR son.

Obviously your DP should be 50/50 with the parenting of his own DC, but step-parenting is different.

If you expected him to enthusiastically take on a larger share of parenting your child then you should have explained this to him at the start of your relationship and given him the chance then to opt in or out, not waited 5yrs, got pregnant by him and then told him.

I think in this scenario YABU.

AnneLovesGilbert · 04/09/2021 13:26

He shouldn’t be eye rolling because that’s ridiculous but if DH had, as you put it, tried to explain to me why I should go to the hell hole that is soft play with his older kids when I was pregnant because parenting involves stuff like that I expect I’d have done worse.

Maybe when your baby arrives he won’t want to take it to soft play. I went a few times with my DSC when they were much younger but it’s shit, I hate every single thing about it and have no plans to take our now toddler.

Your son is not his child. If you want to do stuff like that with him then knock yourself out but expecting him to go along and fake enthusiasm is highly unreasonable.

pigsDOfly · 04/09/2021 13:28

A lot of child related things are boring for adults,

Why do you expect him to pretend enthusiasm for something as boring as soft play, where no doubt he's going to have to hang around with nothing to do for hours surrounded by crowds of yelling kids.

It's boring for him yet he's still prepared to go along, which to me sounds like he is absolutely being a father to your son.

You asked him if he didn't really want to go and he admitted it.

What did you want him to say? Something along the lines of, 'Oh no, of course I want to go, I love soft play, this is going to be the highlight of my week'?

You say, he's happy to go to things like the cinema and football with your son so he's clearly spending time with him and being happy and enthusiastic about it.

YABVU and frankly a bit ridiculous. I'm not surprised he rolled his eyes at your feeling the need to explain his future responsibilities to him; in fact some people might have found your little lecture pretty annoying.

Gazelda · 04/09/2021 13:30

He isn't being unreasonable.
You're over-thinking this.
He's agreed to go to an activity that no sane parent will enjoy. He hadn't complained. He would have likely feigned faint enjoyment in front of your DS.
But you pushed him to admit it's not his cup of tea.
Would you have preferred he lied?

Amaya89 · 04/09/2021 13:31

You couldn't pay me enough to go to soft play with a kid that isn't mine. When mine were young enough to enjoy them, the manthing and I flipped a coin to see who got stuck with soft play birthday party invite that week, and I certainly wasn't enthusiastic about it when I lost.

AnneLovesGilbert · 04/09/2021 13:32

He should be treating him as if he's his own, and part of that is doing the stuff your kid wants to do.

If DS was his own he might decide soft play is shit and they wouldn’t be going. He’d have the equal say of an actual parent. He obviously doesn’t but is being dragged along anyway. And expected to pretend to he happy. As if.

If he does that stuff with your new baby but not with his step son, then that is a problem.

Bollocks. There’s a 10 year age gap and the baby will also be his.

If he doesn't do that stuff with your new baby, then that is also an issue. I hope it's not going to be like that for you.

What? Hmm I refuse to take DD to soft play. I refuse to do anything with her I know I won’t enjoy. There’s plenty about parenting that’s hard work, I don’t add to my load by paying to be bored rigid while my child rolls around in old plasters and germs thank you.

MolkosTeenageAngst · 04/09/2021 13:38

I wouldn’t see soft play, even a massive one, as a family day out. It’s not like the zoo or a theme park where there are things the adults can join in with or enjoy alongside the kids and it’s not even an activity where you’ll stick together and play as a family. Soft play is an activity which only needs one adult in my eyes. The day will presumably consist of your DS running off having fun without you whilst you and your DP sit in an overpriced cafe listening to the screams of other people’s kids. A treat for your son sure but definitely not my idea of a family day out so I can see why your DP isn’t thrilled at the idea of tagging along.

girlmom21 · 04/09/2021 13:39

You say you expect DP to want to join in a family activity but this isn't a family activity - it's an activity for DS that the whole family have to attend.

If you want to have family time organise activities that cater for everyone.

StrangeToSee · 04/09/2021 13:44

You asked and he gave you an honest answer!

I don’t enjoy things like soft play or dining out with kids. I find 10 year olds very boring when they witter on about mine craft etc.

We still do family days out for DC but often one of us is grumpy especially after a week at work.

Do you both get plenty of downtime to pursue your own hobbies?

As your DS isn’t his biological child, and he’s only known him for a few years, I think it’s unreasonable to expect him to enjoy spending time with your DS as much as you do. He isn’t his dad and didn’t experience the first 5 years of his life, so their relationship will naturally be different to a father-son bond.

lockdownalli · 04/09/2021 13:48

Sorry but YABU.

I wouldn't go to softplay with my own DC, never mind someone elses.

Niffler92 · 04/09/2021 13:48

The mn double standards on step parenting are staggering!
Step dads are told of course they should be stepping up and sharing parenting.
Step mums no don’t do any parenting the father will take the piss and expect you to do it all.

AnneLovesGilbert · 04/09/2021 13:54

@Niffler92

The mn double standards on step parenting are staggering! Step dads are told of course they should be stepping up and sharing parenting. Step mums no don’t do any parenting the father will take the piss and expect you to do it all.
I’m not sure you’ve read the responses.
CaffeineAndCrochet · 04/09/2021 13:59

YANBU. DH is a step parent to my daughter and has willingly come along to Paw Patrol movies because he knows my DD will enjoy them. The movies themselves were torture but it was worth it to see her happy. If your DH can't handle the occasional child-focussed activity, I wouldn't be impressed.