If you have a shy/ sensitive child do you make them try things or AIBU?

[tellmeyatruth]

My DH and the MIL are both of the opinion that I shouldn't get DS (age 5) to do anything that upsets him. If I followed this idea then he wouldn't have started school as is often crying / nervous about separation and very shy. He then wouldn't have gone back to year one last week. For context he is an august born child so youngest in the year. He has always been very bonded to me and prone to crying. I try to boost his confidence and speak positively about trying things, I don't force him to continue, but I do think giving it a couple of tries is important. My DH and MIL are very much oh he's not ready, don't push him, but he's always been like this. I never say infront of DS he's shy.

This morning DS tried a new sports club, he of course cried on arrival, despite saying he was going to enjoy it and wanted to try it. There are some school friends that have been doing this club. My DH then says I push him into doing things and gets the MIL on the phone to have a go.

I just feel if DS never tries he will just be at home with me forever. He's already missing out, behind with his confidence. He started a previous sports thing and cried for the first couple of weeks, then loved going, but he's too old for it now. He was really too old last year but they let him stay as he was still under 5.

I don't think IABU, but maybe I just want DS to have the opportunities I didn't. My upbringing and DH's was in poverty so we didn't have the money for any clubs, outings or groups or activities. Both myself and DH have never been confident or good in groups. Maybe DS is our personality, but I am pushing myself too as I want to change. Is this what is making DH agro?

Your DH should be getting MIL to speak to you about it. It's nothing to do with her. What you're doing sounds OK to me, arranging things he wants to do but not pushing it too much if he changes his mind. Is he able to tell you why he is scared to do it?

Your DH shouldn't be getting MIL to speak to you about it!!

If you were forcing him when it has become clear after a few weeks he hated it, they would have a point. But encouraging them to try is an important life lesson.

@IWasBornInAThunderstorm

Your DH shouldn't be getting MIL to speak to you about it!!

It's so hard, I mean I'm sure my parents would take my side too and back me up if I was petty enough to call them It's just hard to know which parent has the right approach. I just feel sometimes that history will repeat itself if I don't get DS to at least try things while he is young. It's harder to start things when you get older.

You are right and they are wrong. If you don’t push DS a little it will just reinforce the idea that new things are scary/dangerous and deprive him of the opportunity to find out he can manage - and even enjoy - new activities.

Of course, this all needs to be done ina gradual and graded way, with lots of love and support and encouragement, rather than being thrown into the deep end every time. So if he tries a new club you explain it’s for a short time, he will be just fine etc, give him lots of praise for being brave afterwards, then do familiar things the rest of the day, so his period of being tested is small within the context of less challenging times and it’s doable for him to get a ‘win’ with the new stuff.

Clearly, they love him and don’t wish to see him upset, but they are setting him up for a lifetime of anxiety. Stick to your guns.

YANBU at all.
Children need to learn that the world contains safe, fun experiences.

I had a very shy introverted child. He’s my youngest and would only go to groups if his sibling was there. We persevered and then stopped sinking going so he went alone. He is super super confident now at 8 although will still be reluctant to go somewhere on his own. He does about 3 activities a week on his own now and is super popular with lots of friends and is very chatty with the staff there.
Are there any friends he could go with until he’s used to going?

I am totally with you, OP. It's so important to build resilience, especially as you know that after a couple of sessions your DS will settle in and have fun. Abandoning it after one session is really not great.

DD is 16 and a helper at Rainbows, they started back this week with a new influx of 5 year olds, some of whom were nervous about starting. DD spent the entire session with a new Rainbow glued to her side because the girl was crying on drop off and took to DD purely on the fact they were both wearing glasses.

Leaders of all these children's activities are SO used to dealing with nervous and clingy children and usually all it takes is a quick word in advance to warn them that your child will probably be upset and if possible could he get extra encouragement, or paired up with a more experienced child/helper to befriend them.

Keep going, building confidence is very important.

He sounds to me like he’s anxious more than shy. I was a very shy child and my DC(6) is what I would say is reserved rather than shy, as once he’s familiar with the surroundings and/or people he’s fine, however he used to be more shy and very reluctant to try new things.

I have always taken him everywhere and exposed him to so many environments and activities and it’s made such a difference to his confidence.

I think you are doing the right thing exposing him to various places, and trying to gently boost his confidence. Praise him for giving things a go and don’t give loads of attention to tears when you know he will be ok. Having self-confidence is so important in life and your DH and MIL are not correct on insisting on wrapping him in cotton wool. I also would certainly not being having conversations with your MIL about it either, and your DH needs to stop running to his DM every time you disagree about this as it’s a bit childish and pathetic.

I totally get where you are coming from. DD (7) can be very shy and anxious about new things - she’s fine with school and also activities if she knows other people there so not quite the same as your son.

This morning I took her to a new activity, based on her age parents are not allowed to stay in the room (most seemed to go back home/go elsewhere, I sat in the car park as the travelling distance meant it wasn’t worth me going home!). She clung to my arm and was very teary, I took her into the room, got her settled in a space and gave her lots of cuddles and reassurance that she would have a good time.

At the end of the class she came out and was a bit subdued and said she’d got upset at one point because she though I was going to literally be outside the door the whole time, but she was fine and we’ll be back again next week.

Sometimes we have to push our children out of their comfort zone a little bit. Some kids are sensitive and of course it’s not nice to see your child upset, especially when you know that you could resolve it by just giving in. I’ll admit I had a tear in my eye as I left DD at the class, I don’t want to see her upset.

You’re doing the right thing. As long as he is safe and in the care of responsible adults (teachers, etc) they will be fine.

You are correct on this. My DD would have just stayed at home, never done any clubs or school if I’d have let her. She doesn’t like new things or bring out of her comfort zone. Some children need a little push to get started and you are right to do so.
There is big difference in crying a little bit and being reluctant because they starting a new club for example or being absolutely distraught at something.

He’s never going to build confidence and resilience if he’s shielded from every little thing that makes him feel shy or anxious. The best thing you can do is what you are doing with lots of praise and encouragement. His DF and MIL are very wrong to pander to this behaviour- it won’t help him at all to gain these invaluable life skills.

I fully acknowledge that I'm a terrible helicopter parent and have to force myself to let DD do things. But it's so good for her confidence when she does - and mine, if I'm honest! I'd be doing her an enormous disservice if I allowed my flapping to get in the way of her developing the necessary skills to cope without me being there all the time.

Keep doing what you’re doing @tellmeyatruth. It’s our job as parents to encourage them to try new experiences, discover talents or passions they might never otherwise have come across, to build friendships. Sometimes that involves nudging them out of their comfort zone!

Let him know that it’s absolutely ok and perfectly normal to feel a bit nervous about trying new things and meeting new people. When mine naturally felt a bit wobbly going to eg a summer camp I would always acknowledge how they felt, reassure them that this was ok and explain that most likely all the other children were feeling the same.

It also helps to remind them of times they’d been anxious about a club or experience but ended up loving it and point out that if they’d not done it because they were nervous they would have missed out on something they really enjoyed, or they wouldn’t have met someone who turned out to be a good friend.

I don’t think you’re being unreasonable at all. I encourage my kids to try clubs and activities, because like you I didn’t have the opportunity growing up. Sometimes they get a bit nervous/wobbly before starting but I feel if I said oh you’re nervous let’s go home it’s okay, I’d be teaching them the wrong lesson. Instead I say it’s okay to be nervous let’s give it a try.

I know because I’m just the same. If I’m going to a new club I feel really nervous but if I push through it I end up enjoying myself and feeling great that I tried something. I see kids all the time at my kids activities who don’t want to let go of their mum, then when I come back to pick up the same kids are moaning because it’s time to go home!

YANBU. My DS is/was like this. He’s 11 now and much better than he was. I would say pick and choose your battles. School = non negotiable. Swimming lessons= Non negotiable. Football… after much screaming and crying every week that he didn’t want to go we stopped. He’s tried lots of new hobbies. Some have stuck, others we haven’t persevered with as it’s just a waste of money if he’s hating it. As he’s grown older, he’s better at trying new things and sticking with them and sometimes I’m firm about that fact he must go other times I think it’s just counterproductive… he’s just come back from 5 full days at residential camp 100 miles from home and trying lots of new activities so I think we’re making progress!

We have a try it for a month or 6 week policy then if you really dont like it then that's ok. I do really feel for August born as it is tougher being nearly a year younger

My DD is 7 and a bit of a thinker, she mulls things over and gets in her head about activities a bit too much sometimes, worrying about all the possible things that could happen.

We put her in an outdoor pursuits holiday club this summer and while she was a little anxious the first couple of days it was fantastic for her. If we had cancelled or not booked because she was worried about not making friends or not being able to do the activities then she would have missed out on kayaking, abseiling, bush crafts, archery and so many other things. As it turned out she loved it so much we added extra days.

Not sure why your mother in law is getting involved! It's none of her business. My son is a incident outgoing child quite social... but also doesn't like trying new things gets het up about new clubs etc

By I always say I wouldn't send you if I didn't think you'd enjoy yourself... he does like it and I often have a quick conversation with him afterwards along the lines of 'imagine if hadn't gone you wouldn't have made a new friend or learned a new skill, now you feel more brave and happier just remember that feeling next time you are worried about going somewhere new'

I remind him of these things when he's anxious about new clubs etc.

If his gm got involved in that scenario and made it worse I'd probably block her out of my life

You're right and they're wrong. What you are doing is exactly right, and you've had some nice advice on this thread.

I just wanted to add that as you say that both you and your husband are under-confident and not good in groups, it's also really important that you and your DH model trying new things, getting out of your comfort zone, seeing you try stuff you're new and not very good at etc -- that's what really reinforces the idea that it's OK to try new things, to be a beginner, to put yourself in unfamiliar situations.

I believe it's important at all ages to be pushed outside our comfort zones. Also, there are basic life skills in children that must developed -- for many of us they won't come naturally & good parenting is helping kids get those skills.

Being outside one's comfort zone IS one of those basic life skills.

This can teach resilience & confidence.

Done wrong, being pushed too hard/fast can cause trauma, obviously. So needs to be done but carefully.

You are doing the right thing. My DP is painfully shy (not just introverted), and hopes very much that a future child will be more extroverted and less shy. Had he been getting used to conquering fears in his childhood and the resilience and confidence this gives, things might have been easier for him now.

Giving into your son's insecurities seems like a bad idea, as it just reinforces that there is something to be feared there. Could you perhaps attend and be in eyesight the first few times, and then slowly pull back more? As a PP said, perhaps he can try for a set number of times and if he really still dislikes it, you pull him out.

I can't get past the fact that your dh phones his mummy to tell you off. Ick.
That's not how co parenting goes, as I see it.

What does your DH propose to do when it comes to your DS going to drop and leave birthday parties, or on school trips/residentials? It’s important that he learns that he is ok even if he is outside his comfort zone, which is what you’re showing him. He can’t keep clinging on to the apron strings forever.

@MikeWozniaksMohawk

What does your DH propose to do when it comes to your DS going to drop and leave birthday parties, or on school trips/residentials? It’s important that he learns that he is ok even if he is outside his comfort zone, which is what you’re showing him. He can’t keep clinging on to the apron strings forever.

True ... what age do those happen .. not been any parties in the past school year with covid. Some coming up, but they don't say if you can stay or have to drop and go ?