If you have a shy/ sensitive child do you make them try things or AIBU?

[tellmeyatruth]

My DH and the MIL are both of the opinion that I shouldn't get DS (age 5) to do anything that upsets him. If I followed this idea then he wouldn't have started school as is often crying / nervous about separation and very shy. He then wouldn't have gone back to year one last week. For context he is an august born child so youngest in the year. He has always been very bonded to me and prone to crying. I try to boost his confidence and speak positively about trying things, I don't force him to continue, but I do think giving it a couple of tries is important. My DH and MIL are very much oh he's not ready, don't push him, but he's always been like this. I never say infront of DS he's shy.

This morning DS tried a new sports club, he of course cried on arrival, despite saying he was going to enjoy it and wanted to try it. There are some school friends that have been doing this club. My DH then says I push him into doing things and gets the MIL on the phone to have a go.

I just feel if DS never tries he will just be at home with me forever. He's already missing out, behind with his confidence. He started a previous sports thing and cried for the first couple of weeks, then loved going, but he's too old for it now. He was really too old last year but they let him stay as he was still under 5.

I don't think IABU, but maybe I just want DS to have the opportunities I didn't. My upbringing and DH's was in poverty so we didn't have the money for any clubs, outings or groups or activities. Both myself and DH have never been confident or good in groups. Maybe DS is our personality, but I am pushing myself too as I want to change. Is this what is making DH agro?

Of course you shouldn’t get frustrated with them, but I think it’s so unhelpful to help your child dodge out of things ‘because they’re shy.’ All that does is reinforce to the child that they are shy and that is a good reason to give up on things/not try things

I agree. They also get labelled as shy by others which doesn’t help. I tell my DC it’s fine and normal to FEEL shy but encourage them to push through it.

Eg if they feel too shy to go into the playground I reassure them that’s normal and I felt the same way talking to the mums at the gate, but once I started chatting I felt less shy. Then I watch them go in.

Children need discipline and boundaries IMO, so if they’ve decided to sign up to a karate class for a term and don’t like it initially I’d insist they keep at it for that term (and if it’s still not for them we won’t renew the booking, but opting out after a single session gives the child permission to give up easily and does nothing for their confidence and self esteem). I don’t want them to think they can take the easiest routes in life.

How will they hold down a good job if they’re too shy to enter new situations or sit through uncomfortable meetings etc?

I also don’t want to encourage avoidance behaviour, so leaving an activity halfway through wouldn’t be an option (unless they were unwell). If they were anxious I hope I’ve equipped them with the skills to work through that feeling. Teachers and group leaders are also used to helping shy/anxious children engage.

@StrangeToSee

I am the same - perhaps I’m just a mean mum but it’s partly because I want my kids to make the best of their opportunities. I also make sure they’re aware before they try something that the uniform, fees etc will be expensive so if they’re sticking with it they need to commit.

I also love seeing them after activities when they are proud and happy with themselves, I wouldn’t want them to miss out on things they now love. And if I told them before every football game, karate competition, dance recital that they can drop out because they’re nervous, they would never be the achievers that they are.

It’s great to be able to say to DC “do you remember how nervous you were before going to xyz, but then after a couple weeks you loved it, and still love it now... this could be just the same”.

I take the “I know you’re nervous and it’s OK to feel like that, but you can’t let that feeling make you miss out on things that will make you happy” approach.
My DC found it easiest if I could stay for the club for the first session (sit quietly at a distance with leaders permission, take a book to read)!).

So too is the dropping-off parent demonstrating trust in the activity leader by handing the child over and then moving away (having told the child they will wait in the car, be in the waiting room reading a book or whatever). In the early days, hovering around the hall/venue runs the risk of sending the message that the child isn't safe/capable/going to be successful.

This is so true. I've heard SO many Nurseries and also Reception teachers say how much better and more quickly the children settled last September, when there was no slow introduction and parents having to hang around for session after session (due to COVID).

As for your husband involving his MIL, he's hardly backing you up, is he? And still needing his mummy to fight his battles at 35!
and
Well, her approach has clearly worked for her son, hasn't it? 30-odd years old and calling his mummy to get her to tell you off for him.
(Obviously sarcasm.)

Two very good points.

@kanaloa - modelling joining a karate class is exactly what I did. There I was in my gee surrounded by 6yos. 7 years later I'm a brown belt

Ds is a long way ahead of me now.

DD2 is scared of her own shadow. We don't make her try stuff we know she won't like - there is no point forcing her onto a rollercoaster for example - but stuff that we are confident she will like or stuff that she just has to get on with (like a holiday club for example if we are both working) then it's tough love in this house. We do remind her of all the activities she has been forced into and subsequently loved to try and create some positive associations!

[quote Mintjulia]@kanaloa - modelling joining a karate class is exactly what I did. There I was in my gee surrounded by 6yos. 7 years later I'm a brown belt

Ds is a long way ahead of me now.[/quote]
That’s a fab thing for you and your son to do together - it wouldn’t work for me because the karate class plus football & dance are for children only, except ds has now moved into teens. Also, I think part of what I wanted them to do was be comfortable trying things without me. Might tell ds I’m joining his karate class though, just to mortify him.

@StrangeToSee
”Children need discipline and boundaries IMO, so if they’ve decided to sign up to a karate class for a term and don’t like it initially I’d insist they keep at it for that term...How will they hold down a good job if they’re too shy to enter new situations or sit through uncomfortable meetings etc?"

He only just stopped being 4 two weeks ago!

My DS was similar and is also August born. At that age, I did sign him up for things and get him to try new things, but he didn't stick with anything. I guess you could say he hasn't really got anything out of them long term, but looking back at least I can say that I gave him the best opportunity. I didn't force him to continue with anything he didn't like (which was pretty much everything). He did 6x 1:1 swimming lessons one term, but was still refusing to move off the steps by the end of them, so we stopped that. I took him to two football taster sessions, but he didn't want to join in so we didn't go back. He did a term of gymnastics and went through motions, but didn't particularly enjoy it so we stopped.

He's now 7 and in Y3, and I would say in the last 6 months or so he's become a lot more willing to try things and is now doing several activities that he has chosen himself. He particularly likes Beavers. I doubt he'll stick with all the activities as most are fairly new to him, but I'm just glad that he's now enthusiastic about trying.