If you have a shy/ sensitive child do you make them try things or AIBU?

[tellmeyatruth]

My DH and the MIL are both of the opinion that I shouldn't get DS (age 5) to do anything that upsets him. If I followed this idea then he wouldn't have started school as is often crying / nervous about separation and very shy. He then wouldn't have gone back to year one last week. For context he is an august born child so youngest in the year. He has always been very bonded to me and prone to crying. I try to boost his confidence and speak positively about trying things, I don't force him to continue, but I do think giving it a couple of tries is important. My DH and MIL are very much oh he's not ready, don't push him, but he's always been like this. I never say infront of DS he's shy.

This morning DS tried a new sports club, he of course cried on arrival, despite saying he was going to enjoy it and wanted to try it. There are some school friends that have been doing this club. My DH then says I push him into doing things and gets the MIL on the phone to have a go.

I just feel if DS never tries he will just be at home with me forever. He's already missing out, behind with his confidence. He started a previous sports thing and cried for the first couple of weeks, then loved going, but he's too old for it now. He was really too old last year but they let him stay as he was still under 5.

I don't think IABU, but maybe I just want DS to have the opportunities I didn't. My upbringing and DH's was in poverty so we didn't have the money for any clubs, outings or groups or activities. Both myself and DH have never been confident or good in groups. Maybe DS is our personality, but I am pushing myself too as I want to change. Is this what is making DH agro?

My DS has a sensitive side. He is easily scared by age appropriate things on television or out and about). Often things intended to be amusing or entertaining - like a person dressed in a character or animal costume.

Shielding him from such things doesnt help imho, if anything it makes it worse, so I dont.

I see part of my role as a parent as being to help him manage/overcome his fears by finding gentle ways to expose him to new things and demonstrate that they aren't scary. He's got much better as a result and gets to enjoy things he would otherwise avoid.

Yanbu OP.

I was that child, I cried at everything and whilst my DM encouraged me she also allowed me to stop or didnt let me do things my DN did as she didnt think I could cope with it. As a result I missed out on lots of opportunities and it allowed me to be incredibly shy and my self confidence was dreadful. At the age of 18 I went to university and I quit as I was training to be a teacher - it was ambition but I my confidence was so low it just beat me. I went and got a degree and got a job as an office admin in a city firm - I did not have the confidence to apply for any graduate jobs, the first day I nearly turned about but had to give myself a big talking and made myself walk through the door. It was the best thing I did. I did go back and qualify as a teacher. I still have days where I am shy and my confidence dips but age has certainly helped.
My children are not overly confident especially my DS, he has cried and struggled through school but I will not let him give up without a good fight, we talk about how to deal with situations, build resilience and try to give him different experiences. It's not easy but I do push him and myself put of our comfort zones and sometimes it's difficult but afterwards it does feel good or we say we wont do that again!
I look back now and wish my mum hadn't let me quit just because I was having a wobble. What I actually needed was strategies how to cope and deal with situations and how to feel a bit more confident. It's ok to be shy but it's still about having the confidence to feel ok about being shy and how to cope when you dont feel comfortable rather than running away.

^MikeWozniaksMohawk
What does your DH propose to do when it comes to your DS going to drop and leave birthday parties, or on school trips/residentials? It’s important that he learns that he is ok even if he is outside his comfort zone, which is what you’re showing him. He can’t keep clinging on to the apron strings forever.^

True ... what age do those happen .. not been any parties in the past school year with covid. Some coming up, but they don't say if you can stay or have to drop and go ?

@tellmeyatruth my DS is just starting year 2 and has been to a couple of parties in the last few weeks which were drop and leave (but some parents did stay). Trips I presume will restart at school this year. And residentials are generally in late juniors but it depends on your school I suppose.

Some of the more sensitive kids in my daughter’s class are the ones who have had their parents around and can respond to it. A lot of the working parents have no choice but to be putting the children in various camps, pull together childcare etc. I think it does make a difference to resilience. I wouldn’t say the patchwork of childcare my 4yo in last summer was ideal but she can just crack on because she hasn’t had the choice not to.

I think you are absolutely right to encourage your DS to try new things

My friend had an anxious child who cried and didn’t want to try anything.. She refused to push this child to try anything new even though the child’s father tried to change her mind.
The child is now 13 and barely copes with returning to school after term breaks.

The child got more and more anxious and ended up
having numerous sessions of counselling over the years to cope with anxiety

My friend never pushed this child to try anything and bafflingly my friend describes this child as easy going and confident which couldn’t be further from reality.

YADNBU

My DD was very anxious & shy throughout her childhood, not helped by some significant health problems along the way. We've always taken the same stance as you & have encouraged her to try new things regardless of how scared she was to begin with. As I a kid I grew up with the motto " fears are but dragons to be slain" which I passed on to her. We never forced her to continue if she hated it, but always encouraged her to try & more often than not she ended up wanting to carry on.

She's nearly 19 now & despite a diagnosed anxiety disorder, she is fierce & doesn't let it rule her life. You are right, Im sure by our experience it's the right thing to do

DD2 was excruciatingly shy and introverted at five. She's now 12 and is still naturally shy and definitely introverted but these days she knows that if she acknowledges that it's her shyness making her worry (rather than the activity or situation per se), she can deal with it. What works for her when trying new activities or taking part in busy events is to have a clear idea of the format e.g. if she gets changed before going in or once she arrives, if there will be a break, where the loos are, if the leader knows she's coming for the first time etc. We also talk about 'being quietly friendly'- that involves smiling, and maybe asking someone what their name is but mainly smiling.

As others have said, seeing parents try new things or push themselves out of their comfort zones is part of the process. So too is the dropping-off parent demonstrating trust in the activity leader by handing the child over and then moving away (having told the child they will wait in the car, be in the waiting room reading a book or whatever). In the early days, hovering around the hall/venue runs the risk of sending the message that the child isn't safe/capable/going to be successful. Harsh though it sounds, dropping-off then making yourself scarce is often easier for the child. Once the session is in full swing, have a look (if possible to do without causing distraction) in. If your child is joining in, that'll give an opportunity afterwards to say, "I saw you standing on your head, that was exciting!" if they're not joining in when you look, you can comment on what others were doing, "when I peeked through the window I saw someone in red shorts doing a really high jump on the trampoline!". Asking lots of questions about whether or not they enjoyed it, want to go back etc. can feel quite high pressure in a way that sharing an observation doesn't.

My youngest was very shy and I didn’t push her into things. We just went at her pace and eventually got there. By the age of 8 she was confident and has been trying all sorts of new things every year, and will talk to anyone.

Occasionally she gets anxious or has a wobble, but we talk it out until we come up with a strategy.

I don’t think there’s any absolute right or wrong way, and it’s very hard to know from a short post what people really mean. As someone pointed out working parents often have no choice. I was a sahm so going at a much slower pace was an option. We probably took longer for her to hit her stride but in the long run she’s fine.

While I agree YANBU, I hope you don’t feel pressure in regards to him being shy. You mentioned he is “behind in his confidence” is he really behind given he is the youngest child in the year? He will be closer in maturity to the average child in the year below him than to the oldest children in his year.

So, I think DH and MIL do have a small point in terms of making allowance for him being the youngest. He will always lag a bit behind his classmates in maturity.

I have an EXTREMELY shy 16yo DS. I did encourage him to try various activities when he was young but stopped around age 7. Instead I focused on encouraging friendships through inviting friends over at weekends etc. He found his own hobbies in the end although they are solitary and has some good friends he meets up with fairly often. You need to pick your battles OP - eg your child has to go to school, that’s non negotiable. You’re not going to ‘fix’ your child’s shyness by forcing activities. He’s 5. He’s anxious. Keep encouraging him but go gently.

I had a very shy, August-born boy, who would avoid everything if I let him.

At 5 he said he wanted to try karate so I took him along. I had to do karate with him for a couple of years but he's now pretty confident. The same with swimming. It took 20 minutes of the first session for him to test the temperature of the water but we kept trying and now he can swim well. We gave up with football because he really didn't like it but cycling stuck.

Can you do whatever the chosen sport is, with him for a while? It will give him a bit of a confidence boost.

As for your husband involving his MIL, he's hardly backing you up, is he? And still needing his mummy to fight his battles at 35!

Well, her approach has clearly worked for her son, hasn't it? 30-odd years old and calling his mummy to get her to tell you off for him.

(Obviously sarcasm.)

Try Cubs. They do lots of different activities in a supportive environment with little teasing or bullying.

I have a shy child. I don’t like groups either. My child was same at that age. Teachers said forced her to do assemblies but she was clearly in distress. We’re all different. It doesn’t mean your child won’t ever do clubs but it could mean they are sensitive to certain ones more than others. Mine hated trying gymnastics and cried her eyes out at that age even though she said she’d try it. Then she found football and loved it. You’ll get there but your family aren’t necessarily wrong in what they’re saying (if annoying).

You are the one who have chosen to change herself, your husband propably is good in his comfort zone. Both aproaches to life are possible and valid when your child will be adult. Just be sensitive and see what he can manage in that moment. Sometimes the more you push child away, the more they cling to you. Maybe take the pressure off and see if the confidence grows at the safe place.

@tellmeyatruth

I'm glad to see I'm not crazy, like the mil my thought is if you don't try then there isn't a day you suddenly stop feeling nervous, but it you try then you gain confidence and explore even if it's not a long term thing you like.

This does sound overly pushy to me - he is five, not twelve.

I don't agree with your DH phoning your mil, but I personally think you sound too pushy, yes.

Your son will grow up in time. Real confidence comes from security and safety, not from being forced to try things.

Gosh, if parenting were easy and everyone agreed, there'd be no massive industry in childcare books. I'm sure your husband and MIL are trying to do what they think is best for the child they love, just as you are and your parents would.
He's only just gone 4 so he's still pretty young. Do you think when he's made new friends at school, there might be things he could do with them which will help build his confidence? I understand your husbands point of view, but it's never to early to learn some resilience and push your comfort zone a bit. Maybe he could do one activity alternating between you and your husband accompanying him. But he will be faced with all sorts of new experiences now he's at school. So maybe wait a couple of months while he builds some confidence as he learns new procedures at school and makes new friends.
When I was young, there just were no after school activities. You just went home and maybe played out with a friend. Somehow we managed to survive with our confidence intact.

@drspouse

YANBU at all. Children need to learn that the world contains safe, fun experiences.

This.

A lot of childhood is about being presented with a small discomfort and realising you can overcome it.

If he's told you it's something he wants to do and then on the day he gets nervous, he needs a little push.

How else do we learn that we have the strength to overcome our fear?

@NoIDontWatchLoveIsland

My DS has a sensitive side. He is easily scared by age appropriate things on television or out and about). Often things intended to be amusing or entertaining - like a person dressed in a character or animal costume.

Shielding him from such things doesnt help imho, if anything it makes it worse, so I dont.

I see part of my role as a parent as being to help him manage/overcome his fears by finding gentle ways to expose him to new things and demonstrate that they aren't scary. He's got much better as a result and gets to enjoy things he would otherwise avoid.

Yanbu OP.

Exactly.

The child is thinking "This is new, I think this is going to be scary"

You, as the adult, know that it's not scary, becuase you're an adult and have knowledge and experience.

The child has never experienced it. They just think it might be scary, or might cause them some discomfort, so they push it away. As humans we are pretty much wired to avoid discomfort in our lives wherever we can.

Your job then as the person who has knowledge and experience is to take their hand and lead them through it.

Not to go "oh yes, I guess it is scary, let's not do it" and help them to run away.

That doesn't achieve anything - they will never learn that it's not scary!

OP I think your approach is fine.

It breaks my heart when I see why parents forcing their shy kids to do stuff. I know it's out of love but they often get frustrated with them. As parents the absolute best thing to do is model the behaviour- talk to strangers in shops, have adult friends round the table for dinner, talk to parents at the school gate. If you find it too hard then how can you expect your kids to do it?

@Mn753

It breaks my heart when I see why parents forcing their shy kids to do stuff. I know it's out of love but they often get frustrated with them. As parents the absolute best thing to do is model the behaviour- talk to strangers in shops, have adult friends round the table for dinner, talk to parents at the school gate. If you find it too hard then how can you expect your kids to do it?

That doesn’t really help with clubs and hobbies though. I can’t model attending a karate class to my children. What I can do is say you wanted to try karate, it seems scary because it’s new but let’s be brave and give it a try, like when you tried trampolining and now you like trampolining.

Of course you shouldn’t get frustrated with them, but I think it’s so unhelpful to help your child dodge out of things ‘because they’re shy.’ All that does is reinforce to the child that they are shy and that is a good reason to give up on things/not try things.

I have older children, and I've never pushed them. They have been told they can leave school or a club if they ever feel overwhelmed. For me this has worked, they are very confident and importantly not a pushover when friends try to tell them what to do.

I think it is a big risk teaching your children to ignore their gut instincts.

@Kanaloa, but you can let your kids see you join a club involving some kind of physical activity at which you are a beginner, and talk about what it feels like to start something new in a new environment.

There are a lot of people on Mn who seem terribly timid and have a tiny comfort zone, given the numbers of posts about people who wouldn’t go to the cinema or on holiday or for a rural walk alone, or who struggle with basic social situations. In some cases, those parents are asking their anxious children to regularly do things they wouldn’t dream of doing themselves.

Yanbu at all. I was a very shy child and my family did what your husband’s family would do, even to the point of going out of their way and going through governors appeal to send me to a tiny village school out of catchment as the the local (normal sized) school would’ve “overwhelmed me”
The result was that I basically didn’t really learn a lot of social skills and still struggle with new situations as an adult. I push my children to go outside of their box and try new things so they develop the resilience that they need. If he’d been going for half a term and still wasn’t happy that would be about the activity, but to let him not even try would not be helping him in the long run.

And yes, having read the whole thread, pushing my children outside of their box does involve me modelling that behaviour for them - I am actively working on my own issues because I don’t want them to impact on my kids!