If you have a shy/ sensitive child do you make them try things or AIBU?

[tellmeyatruth]

My DH and the MIL are both of the opinion that I shouldn't get DS (age 5) to do anything that upsets him. If I followed this idea then he wouldn't have started school as is often crying / nervous about separation and very shy. He then wouldn't have gone back to year one last week. For context he is an august born child so youngest in the year. He has always been very bonded to me and prone to crying. I try to boost his confidence and speak positively about trying things, I don't force him to continue, but I do think giving it a couple of tries is important. My DH and MIL are very much oh he's not ready, don't push him, but he's always been like this. I never say infront of DS he's shy.

This morning DS tried a new sports club, he of course cried on arrival, despite saying he was going to enjoy it and wanted to try it. There are some school friends that have been doing this club. My DH then says I push him into doing things and gets the MIL on the phone to have a go.

I just feel if DS never tries he will just be at home with me forever. He's already missing out, behind with his confidence. He started a previous sports thing and cried for the first couple of weeks, then loved going, but he's too old for it now. He was really too old last year but they let him stay as he was still under 5.

I don't think IABU, but maybe I just want DS to have the opportunities I didn't. My upbringing and DH's was in poverty so we didn't have the money for any clubs, outings or groups or activities. Both myself and DH have never been confident or good in groups. Maybe DS is our personality, but I am pushing myself too as I want to change. Is this what is making DH agro?

The problem isn't your child or encouraging your child to do things.

The problem is that when your DH doesn't agree with you, he gets his mum to tell you off. No bloody wonder your poor child is so upset about trying new things if he sees it cause so conflict between you both!

I have two kids who are quite resistant to trying new things/being out of their comfort zone. It really is about choosing your battles. There are some things that are not negotiable, school being one. Other things I will encourage them to go and give something a try and accept it if they don't like it, want to come home etc.

You need to say to your MIL that you will not talk to her about decisions regarding your son and end the conversation. Don't engage her.
You also need to tell you H to stop running to his mother. That in no uncertain terms is he allowed to involve her in decisions round your son.To understand that it is nerves your son is feeling and look how much he loved the other club, school, nursery after he got over the initial anxiety.
Poor you not just battling with your sons nervesness, your own anxieties and then your H going against you and ganging up on you with his mother.

My grandson is very gregarious and whenever vas go to the park he always fence up with a group of children playing with him. He's an only child so when we were on holiday with his cousins whose idea of fun is wresting with his sister (who iniates it too) he came in crying saying his cousin had hurt him. I told him that he hadn't meant to hurt him and to tell him that he didn't like the game they were playing and he'd play a different game. The next thing I knew was that they were chasing each other around the play area. I'm hoping he's learnt that standing up for yourself doesn't mean being nasty.

Does your son see YOU socialising, going out and about, trying sporty things etc? They copy so much at that age. If you can see the world as an adventure, with obstacles to overcome, he should start to align with your worldview at his age. Project confidence, role model how you want him to behave. Let him see you try things and fail and be ok.

Eg my DD can be sensitive and shy, so I make an extra effort to befriend her classmates’ mums and have them over for play dates and coffee, meet up with them in the park etc.

I don’t force her to try new things but I encourage her a lot. I try to set a good example, eg in the swimming pool I’ll let her know I’m a bit nervous of the big slide, but that’s ok so we’ll go on it anyway.

I take her to soft play and trampoline parks a lot, the sort with stuff you have to climb up, crawl through and balance on. And I give her a lead (even if I fall off repeatedly!) Her confidence and agility has come on wonders.

You are right to encourage him to try things and to be positive about them.
Teaching a child resilience is incredibly important (but something that too many parents fail to do).
Teaching them that it is okay, natural, and indeed perfectly normal to be nervous before trying something new is a good thing.
Teaching them that the key is to accept that nervousness and prove to yourself that you can overcome it is an incredibly important lifeskill.

Much bigger issue is that, when you have a difference of opinion, your dh phones his Mum to argue his point (and indeed, that she then does so).

When my ds was starting nursery he was extremely shy and introverted, they paired him with a boy who was the same and they became very close friends. I put my ds into many different school clubs and out of school activities whereas the other boy refused to do any. They are now 8 and my ds is now very confident and has a large group of friends from many different clubs and across the school whereas the other boy is still very shy and has a much smaller circle. I’m not saying either is wrong and the other boy does seem very happy but personally I think it’s a great skill to be able to talk in front of others, make new friends and walk into a new club and take part on your own and will set my ds up well for whatever he does in the future so I would say unless they are adamant they really don’t want to do it that it’s great you push him to take part.
The mil is a whole other issue and I would just tell her to keep her nose out if she is butting in 🤷🏻‍♀️

@StrangeToSee

Does your son see YOU socialising, going out and about, trying sporty things etc? They copy so much at that age. If you can see the world as an adventure, with obstacles to overcome, he should start to align with your worldview at his age. Project confidence, role model how you want him to behave. Let him see you try things and fail and be ok.

Eg my DD can be sensitive and shy, so I make an extra effort to befriend her classmates’ mums and have them over for play dates and coffee, meet up with them in the park etc.

I don’t force her to try new things but I encourage her a lot. I try to set a good example, eg in the swimming pool I’ll let her know I’m a bit nervous of the big slide, but that’s ok so we’ll go on it anyway.

I take her to soft play and trampoline parks a lot, the sort with stuff you have to climb up, crawl through and balance on. And I give her a lead (even if I fall off repeatedly!) Her confidence and agility has come on wonders.

Good post, @StrangeToSee. I absolutely agree that you need to model trying new things and failing and getting out of your own comfort zone.

I'm glad to see I'm not crazy, like the mil my thought is if you don't try then there isn't a day you suddenly stop feeling nervous, but it you try then you gain confidence and explore even if it's not a long term thing you like.

I'm going to go against the grain a bit and say he is only 5, school would be the main area to combat, getting him secure and happy there. Then making friends with other parents and organising play dates etc. so he's making good friendships. I would still try to encourage activities or perhaps something like swimming as it's a life skill but not push too much at this age.

My DD was very shy at that age and didn't want to try new things but is getting more confident every year.

It has nothing to do with MIL and I would also be careful not to project your feelings about growing up in poverty and what your son 'should' have or be doing.

I also have a shy August born. I still have to coax her into activities. And sometimes now we make a deal when she wants to do something but I know she's going to struggle when she gets to the door - for example guide camp last month - that we agree when we book she wants to do it but that we both know she might find it difficult going in - but that I am to send her /leave her anyway. She has taken to making little videos saying this that I can show her. It's just a confidence thing. There is no way my dd would have done any of the things she loves if I had allowed her to cry her way out. She's just gone into yr8. Some kids are like that and need a little push. I'd suggest getting him on the Beavers waiting list as Scouting will build his confidence before he has to do things like trips with school.

As for the MIL - she would be getting very short shift if she tried it on with me (as mine sometimes did!) Why does she get to undermind your parenting? A bit pathetic of your DH really isn't it to drag mummy in...

I think you are absolutely right to encourage your son to try new activities and pursue those that interest him. As he gets older, these will inevitably extend to activities/classes when you aren't there, and this will be good for him. Just a thought, but are there any after school clubs that he can go to, possibly with his friends, straight after school as a sort of extension of the school day? He may not find things happening in school as daunting as going to a new venue.

I also think you need to have a word with DH and insist that he stops reporting this sort of thing to MIL. It is a very unattractive trait, and is absolutely none of MIL's business.

@tellmeyatruth I find that these help my daughter a lot. We pick out a card each day as her “thought for the day” and they do always seem appropriate!

This morning’s card read: “Don’t believe everything your mind is telling you. Just because you’re worried about something doesn’t mean it will happen.”

livespiffy.co.uk/collections/remindfuls-mindful-reminders-for-tough-times/products/remindfuls-mindful-reminders-for-kids

YANBU. You’re doing the right thing and sound like a great Mum.

It’s good for DS to try new things and to go to a class a few times. If he really hates it you won’t keep sending him, but it’s wrong to give in to it and keep him at home all the time.

Keep trying with him, and tell DH to tell MIL to keep her beak out.

I have a very shy/timid 3 year old and we're trying hard to find the balance between pushing him slightly out of his comfort zone, (especially if it's something we know he'll enjoy once he's tried) and not forcing him to do something he clearly isn't comfortable with. In your situation I would have made him. My DS wanted to try a dance class then decided he didn't want to when we got there. I made him go and he loved it. The following week he wasn't keen again but I pushed him in and again he had a great time. Now he skips in. Tell your MIL to butt out

I was a shy child and I absolutely hated being sent to things where I had to be sociable, but my mums way to do this was to basically drop kick me in to stuff without any discussion whatsoever.

I think if she had discussed it with me first, helped me to come up with a plan for how to manage, reassured me that she'd be there for a hug and given me a route out e.g. if you hate it after the first half we'll leave, and actually followed through that would have been different.

Basically if you acknowledge that you're child is sacred and that that's ok and be there in case they're really distressed, then I would consider it good parenting to give them a little push to try new things.

*your child is scared, not sacred 😂

My daughter is very sensitive and a little.on the timid side I suppose you would say.
I encourage her to try things as much as I can, but I won't force her to unless it is absolutely necessary.

So school is necessary so she had to go.
But going on the zip line at the park is not necessary so if she refuses, that's fine.

The dentist is necessary so she has to go, using the loud hand dryer in Tesco is not necessary so I don't force her to use it.

Talking to new teacher is necessary, so she had no choice, talking to someone she's never met in a shop before is not necessary, so I won't force her to.

I hope that makes sense. I try to pick what must be done so she gets done but things that don't matter as much, she gets encouraged but isn't forced of she doesn't want to.

It's absolutely none of your MIL's beeswax so she can butt out for a start!
YANBU, my 5 year old is similar in terms of not wanting to try new things. I agree that making sure he's happy at school should be the primary goal, maybe then tackle playdates / parties etc. and other activities.
I have just signed my son up for swimming lessons even though he is adamant he doesn't want to do it......it may end up being money wasted or he may actually end up enjoying it and persevering, I make the point to him that he has to try in order to find out!

One of my DS was very shy, wouldn't speak to ppl, didn't like new things etc. I gently tried to encourage, gently pushed but he still hated meetings new people and doing new things. He is now late teens - totally transformed into someone who's chatty and is now fine after the first year at Uni and getting a part time bar job off his own bat.

So personally I would say don't push, just let it happen naturally.

but it you try then you gain confidence and explore even if it's not a long term thing you like.

Absolutely agree! Plus it’s much easier to learn these skills (trying new things, resilience, self-confidence) when you’re 5 rather than when you’re 15.

My middle Ds was like this. Very shy and fearful. Wanted to try things but was paralysed by fear and didn't want to continue with things.I never pushed him because he got so distressed.

Fast forward to now. He's 16, he has just got a part time job, off his own back, with only a little guidance from me. Has friends, is sociable and is by far the most independent of my three kids, in spite of being the shyest.

Try not to force it. There's a fine line between encouraging and forcing. Some kids are shy. It's not a character flaw.

I do push mine to try new things. I don't PUSH push, just insist a bit that he at least try (I signed him up for a science club last year for example, he turned out to love it, it was only 4 weeks but he was clearly pleased he had done it. But when I signed him up he was appalled.) I wouldn't shove him into football or something that's entirely anathema to him, but if I didn't encourage the process at all, he would literally not do anything aside from school and homework.

You are right to keep encouraging - my 10 year old announced he wasn't going to a friends birthday activity. It took all of my patience, and about 5 hours to change his stubborn little mind - I knew he was just suddenly anxious incase he couldn't do it. He had a brilliant time. He will say no to most things if asked in advance. I get more positive outcomes if I just suddenly and cheerfully announce we are going somewhere, in a matter of fact way. I'd be livid if my partner phoned someone else to have a go at me.

YANBU. But there's a way to do it. I was a shy child, as was my sibling, and my mother used to torpedo us into groups like a couple of show ponies. We hated it and skulked off to hide as soon as we could since if we stayed next to her, we'd be told sharply to go and join in with the other children.

My DC is younger than yours and, although not shy, is sometimes hesitant to try new things. So we have a "Let's just watch and see" policy. It's fine for them to sit next to me or on my lap and just watch what is going on until they feel comfortable to join in. And while they're sitting, we talk about what is happening.

Keep gently encouraging and giving the opportunity to get involved. Making friends is a skill that needs practice and requires a leap of faith and an acceptance of the possibility of rejection. This is difficult for shy children. Much better to practice at age 5, when most kids are fairly accepting, than at age 15 when they're much less so.

You are right imo.

Does your h ever go out of his comfort zone? I started doing it more when I started to gently push my kids and I made sure that they saw me deal with failure too because resilience is important.

He's being immature telling tales on you. I'd have no problems ending the call if MIL tried to scold me.