I’ve had quite a journey with my MIL. When we first started out, things were rocky. My husband and I met when we were 21. It was December, and he gave me his number. I promptly threw it away. He’d come up to me and pulled out his number written on a piece of paper in his pocket. I was like “who is this creep walking around with his number written down for any random girl?” So I chucked it. Went on with my life.
A week or so later, I ran into him at a restaurant where I was with some friends for half off late night appetizers. He was also there with some friends. His buddy came up to me and he said “hey, why didn’t you call my friend? He saw you passing by and he liked you so much but he was nervous so he wrote down his number and tried to come find you to give it to you. He was bummed you never called.” Well, I felt like a jerk because I just assumed he’d had it written down for anybody, not just me specifically! Doi! 🤦♀️
We started dating (most romantic first date ever- ice skating the 2 of us with the rink booked just for us, and two weeks later he moved into my apartment. Fast? Heck yeah! But when you know, you just know (sometimes).
A month later, I met his parents at a birthday dinner. They seemed nice enough, but I’m generally on the shy side, so I didn’t really open up much. Shortly after that, he proposed. We started dreaming of a winter wedding since I love winter, Christmas, December was when we met, and ice skating was our first date.
Well, the Army had other plans. We planned an entire wedding in under a month before he deployed to Iraq for a year. Luckily I am not a bridezilla type! It was beautiful and you never would have known it was planned in under a month for under 5k with nobody going into debt for it. Anyway, I digress.
His family had always been super nice to me. I could tell they were good, kind people. They were a little shocked by the speed of things, but they never said anything mean and they seemed to trust their son’s judgement. But, as soon as my husband deployed, his mom began to have a little trouble letting go. The dynamics shift when you get married, and the wife comes first. Compound that with a deployment, and it was a huge adjustment for her. If he was able to make a call, it was going to be to me. If he could video chat, it was going to be with me. Same with letters. Even getting information from the Army. They contact the spouse, not the parent. So everything was being relayed through me and I think it was a sudden change for her and she felt sort of displaced. I understood where she was coming from.
But then we had a tiff. He was able to come home on a two week leave. During that leave, I got my driver’s license. I was 21 but I’d never learned. I was in foster care, and crappy foster parents don’t teach kids how to drive. They’re not risking their car or paying to put them on the insurance. And I went to college in the city so I lived on campus then took the bus when I got an apartment. We bought 3 driving lessons but after the first 1 the driving teacher said I was ready to take the test and he wouldn’t charge me for the rest. So I took the test and passed. My husband’s parents had his car until then, because clearly I couldn’t drive and wasn’t using it before that. Well when he asked them for the car back because I’d gotten my license that’s when sh* hit the fan. They flat out refused, and when he asked why— his mother said it was because she didn’t trust me and thought I might just steal his car. Absurd. Rude. Pi*ed me off.
Luckily my husband is a good man, and he stood up for me. He put his foot down and said it was his car, his decision, and I’m his wife and they can either accept me or they can kick rocks. Well, they gave the car back and things simmered down. That was 14 years ago. Never an argument since then.
Since then, I’ve been very close with my MIL. I honestly think that in every marriage there needs to be a moment where the husband (I apologize for only referencing hetero marriages, I’m just going off my own experiences, that’s all) makes it clear that the wife is his main priority now. Once that happens, the MIL can start the process of letting go a bit, and everyone can have a healthier relationship. If not, then there’s going to continue to be this power struggle for the main woman in his life. And don’t get me started on mama’s boys who refuse to stand up to mommy for their wives or run to mommy for every little thing. Those marriages are usually doomed!!!
I talk to my in laws more than my own family, and I’m closer to my MIL than my own mother (which isn’t saying much lol). They’re good people and they raised a good son. We lived with them when our lease was up and we started house hunting (because it’s so hard to find a house let alone one that is available at the same time your lease is up!). I cooked for them, cleaned for them (they didn’t ask, just me showing my appreciation), went on walks, bike rides, and did workouts with his mom. We’d talk for hours. Of course covid decided to strike shortly after and real estate basically shut down, no house showings, no people moving, etc. So what was supposed to be a short time of house hunting because a lottttttt longer. Four people, two dogs, two cats in one tiny house… I was glad when things opened back up and we moved into our dream home. We are 45 minutes away from them now, and I really do miss them. But we still call and text every single day. Very lucky to have them!