To not want to be primary caregiver?

[ttcissoboring]

Not got kids yet but planning to. I don't know any woman that's not the primary caregiver IRL and it's starting to panic me. I don't want to be primary caregiver. Is this going to be enivitable?

Is it impossible to go back to work as soon as I am feeling physically able to and split the parenting at that point? A year off work seems the default but there is no way I want and could do that. Men go back after a week and there is no judgement as to 'how could he leave the child so young' woman does it and the judgement is like she has committed child abuse, I find it very sad and frustrating. And the judgement seems to come from other women as much as it does men.

Does anyone who has children consider themselves not the primary caregiver and completely equal with how they parent with their partner?

The idea of parenting doesn't appeal to me unless it's 50/50 ( of course I understand anything could happen tragically to DH where I'd have to be full caregiver and I'd have no choice)

Is primary caregiver inevitable because I'm a woman? And am I being somewhat naive to this experience?!

Please tell me your experiences of switching this narrative if you have kids, are a woman and not the default parent but share the duties equally from very early on.

@ttcissoboring

Why do posters keep highlighting that I said parenting doesn't appeal but then miss off the rest of the sentence!!!????

Are you the media trying to reword a quote to make it sound worse???

I said;

Parenting doesn't appeal to me if not 50/50. Why should it? I have seen many threads where woman ends up doing everything she gets upset and posters say LTB!! I say I don't like the idea of doing everything and non maternal shouldn't have kids?!!

Honestly, some posters just constantly looking to pile on,

Well said, OP.

@CutePanda I think that's a short sighted view as many parents use nurseries.

If that's the case then why do many parents have kids - why are all the nurseries full?!

@seaandsandcastles
Formula feeding was better for me as I was really struggling with BF post an emcs. I could feel myself sliding into depression and so having DH able to take over some of the feeds and being able rest and recover more probably stopped me getting PND.

I think you can do it. I would say that it depends in your partner. Does he already do 50% chores and household stuff, has he ever put your career first etc etc.Many women spend years living with partners who do little around the house and then complain when it doesn't change with kids. It was never going to but I would say entirely predictable.

In our case, we absolutely do 50%, out kids still have a tendency of asking me to play with them etc but DH does most of the chores, picks up and drop off, we split parental leave and I took a new job abroad when my youngest was five months old and I was out of the house during the week.

You are right though...we are in the minority.looking at our friends, those who share already did that before so just carried on thereafter.

I wasn’t primary caregiver except for first 10-11wks of their lives.
I stopped FT work on my due date, and returned 12 weeks later. All my babies were late, so they were 10-11wks old when I returned.
I still exclusively breast fed until 6mos by using a breast pump and the nursery was happy to feed them my expressed breast milk. So you CAN work FT and still breast feed.

I’d say the nursery had them 50% of the time and DH and I split the other 50% but with him doing more than me. This was because he was a FT university student and so had less demands on his time than I did as I worked FT in a research lab.

Also, I don't want to use mainly nurseries. Me and DH are self employed so actually when I say 50/50 I'm planning to take a day or two off a week but I want DH to do the same.

We would involve nursery 2-3 days a week. That's the plan for now anyway.

I'm not having kids to never see them, posters make so many assumptions it's frustrating.

Perhaps I'm not so cold hearted after all some posters might be pleased to hear!

@ttcissoboring I think many women choose to be the primary caregiver so when you want something different it’s hard to find others who have chosen the same way. My DH and I took shared parental leave with our DD (me 8 months, him 4 months) and it was the only one my employer had every processed and I work for a large council!

[quote ChazsBrilliantAttitude]@seaandsandcastles
Formula feeding was better for me as I was really struggling with BF post an emcs. I could feel myself sliding into depression and so having DH able to take over some of the feeds and being able rest and recover more probably stopped me getting PND.[/quote]
Okay. That’s fine, and totally irrelevant to what I said.

Those benefits of breastfeeding are there whether you FF or BF. Not breastfeeding doesn’t take away the those benefits that would be there if you could or would have done it.

As I said, no judgement on FF mums. Do whatever is best for you and your family. But whatever a woman chooses to do, those BF benefits don’t go away.

[quote CutePanda]@ttcissoboring why do you want DC? If your DC will be under the care of nursery workers for most of their waking hours, what’s the point? Could both you and DH go part-time to ensure 50:50 duties?[/quote]
This is so offensive. You’re implying that parents who use nurseries shouldn’t have DC because “what is the point?”
The point is liberation of women. That women should have the choice to be a mother AND have a career. No one (includes men here) should feel pressured that you can only have kids if you’re willing to be a stay at home parent

I took 7 months off. DD is now 10 months. I consider the arrangement 50/50. Sometimes more DH.

How the caring gets split comes down to your jobs and the father. I earn much more than my DH but in some ways I can be more flexible in where and when I work. DH is a private school teacher - he gets a shit ton of holiday and finishes early, with a lot less of the admin that state schools have. He leaves at 6:30am so I do all morning stuff on my own. He picks up DD from nursery at 5pm, and does bath and bedtime if I’m not back from work. Yesterday I got back at 10pm :-(. We also have help - my MIL takes her 2 days a week.

DD wants me at night and I’m still breastfeeding as much as I can. DH does get a little offended that he spends so much time with her (all of the summer!) and yet she still just wants me when she’s not well etc.

I have a pretty good set up. I do not think I would have had a baby if I didn’t know that DH is so hands on, is a teacher and MiL is around. But I married him knowing these things and that’s why we started our family. Our relationship is very strong because we went into this fully aware of the work and the split labour.

I think in theory all the planning etc is great but you cannot predict the future.
You do not know how you’ll feel when the baby is born, you may not want to return to work so soon.
The other very real possibility to consider ( unfortunately) is you cannot predict the future of your relationship. Many end in divorce and in most cases the Dad walks away and leaves Mum as resident parent so that means almost 100 percent parenting falls to the Mum while Dad skips around free as a bird ( yes, I am bitter about that one) 🤣

I'm not having kids to never see them, posters make so many assumptions it's frustrating.

I was fully supportive of you until this comment.

My DS was in nursery 5 days a week and I still managed to see plenty of him!! I think you also need to be mindful of making assumptions.

but so far he is saying all the right things to imply he would be 50/50 but I don't trust what he's saying purely on the basis that this just doesn't happen IRL from what I see!

Your partner has said he wants to be 50/50 but you’ve decided MN know better than he does, what he wants to do? Do you always second guess him like he doesn’t know his own mind?

I realise my post was abrupt, to say the least. I apologise as it triggered me, for some reason, and I have now thought about why. IMO, and from experience, the baby tends to need mum in those first few months and as a mum I responded to that and I found it hard to be apart from them . This felt natural to me. Babies are not chores, they are sentient beings with changing needs and wants and cannot be planned around. You may feel very different when it arrives and want to be with it 24/7. The reason your OP triggered me is there seemed to be no emotion in it and I just envisaged a baby who has parents fighting over not wanting to care for it. That sounds sad. From my personal experience it was the opposite, neither of us wanted to leave her. And, FWIW I would judge a man who refused to do more than his allotted share the same. I also think raising kids is the most important job and I don't understand the wish to return to paid work so quickly, a SAHP role is very important. It just doesn't pay or have any status. What could be more important than helping to create a happy and healthy human?! Well aware that's my opinion.

If your DC will be under the care of nursery workers for most of their waking hours, what’s the point?
Are you really asking what's the point. For a start, not all women have kids just to satisfy their own feelings. Many do because they like the idea of raising future citizen into our society. The assumption that kids suffer at nursery and kids are naturally happier at home with their mum, regardless how good a mum she is, is very self-centred.

Kids who go to good nursery thrives just fine. They get attention, stimulation, fun, cuddles, and interaction with others that makes for a happy baby. They then get special attention in the evening from their mum and dad who are so happy to see them and prepare to give quality time to their child until bedtime.

My kids went to FT childcare from the age of 6 months. They are now young adults and are fantastic members of our society in every way. I am so proud of them. They thrive, they are happy, they are caring, and are both doing very well in their field. They are very emotionally stabled.

Many working mums make much better mums than SAHM who despite convincing themselves that being so is best for their kids, deep inside can't wait for them to be looked after by their husband, parents, and then nursery as soon as they can get a free place. You have so many threads about SAHM dreading the 6 weeks summer holidays. There is a lot of hypocrisy about how much mums think they are the best ones because they spend more time with their kids. More time certainly isn't always better quality.

You really do need to consider if children are right for you though, because it comes across like you would view them as an inconvenience. That's not s nice way to grow up.

See - this is the judgement I am referring to! I have already decided I would like children.

This statement is completely unnecessary and judgemental.
OP I'm so sorry but it's not, I've said the same to make friends who considered children to be a given because they were getting/had gotten married. I never planned children but the second I held my baby I was besotted but I know people who weren't like that and that added to your post, which sounds like you want things to fit you iykwim... it's just honestly something to think about.

OP as you can see from a lot of the posters, the assumption is still that shared parenting means the kid is at the nursery rather than your DH being more handsoff.That is sadly still the reality for most - if mums don't do it, it is often outsourced rather than assuming that dad will do it. The only snag is that a lot of child focused activities are primarily designed for mums so he may feel excluded.. onthe flip side, Saturday morning activities seem to be dad only - i think that's the one hour in the week when dads do the token childcare bit for the week 🤣But they can - just make sure your partner is already pulling his weight.

Male not make!

DH more hands on

OP I can't believe so many posters are giving you a hard time when all you have done is ask a perfectly reasonable question.

It sounds like you are a very thoughtful person and I think you and your DH will make great parents and really good role models for you kids.

@seaandsandcastles
What an astonishingly unempathetic post.

What you can't know in advance is your own emotional response.
It's all well and good saying you'll go back as soon as physically really but you have ignored emotionally ready.
Regardless of nursery provision and what your partner will split, you may not find giving up the primary care giver role so easy once established

[quote seaandsandcastles]@SkinnyMirror How so?[/quote]
My DS was lactose intolerant and needed special formula.

Breastfeeding wasn't good for my mental health either so continuing to breastfeed was not in either of our best interests.

Anecdotally, my friends who breastfed had babies who were frequently sick whereas DS is still,to this day, very, very rarely ill. My friends felt quite resentful of the advice they'd been given as they felt pressured in to b/f and all of them chose ff their second child.

@TheWoleb

You specifically said that you would not want to parent unless it was 50/50. Wanting children isnt usually conditional.

I'm a single mum to 2 kids and have a business to run. My kids were in nursery from 6 months and I was working full time. There is nothing wrong with wanting your career and kids. And no judgement around that.

But that's not what you've said. You've said you dont want kids if you will end up being the default parent (the one the school calls, the one your kids come to first etc).

I wanted kids. We planned 50/50. That was the ideal. But I wouldn't have said I dont want children if it's going to be anything else than 50/50.... because I wanted kids. Its lucky I felt like that because my ex left and we didnt see him for 5 years. I didnt resent my children. I didnt resent doing it alone.

Anything can happen. If you genuinely do not want a child that you might be fully responsible for then you may need to have another think.

Agree with this. What happens if the relationship breaks down and you are left holding the baby ? You just can't plan everything in life.

@CutePanda disgusting thing to say. I very much wanted my children, unfortunately I also had to work full time to pay the bills and give them an acceptable quality of life from infancy up to the present day (almost 15 years). Yes they spent a lot of time in childcare but what was the alternative in your opinion? Should parents who need full time wages from both be sterilised as they will abandon babies to nurseries?
@ttcissoboring I think it's great that you are clearly putting so much thought into this now rather than when you have actual children to contend with! All I will say is try not to have anything set in stone with regards going back to work (I think you are self employed so can set your own rules within reason?) I had to go back on a set date so I didn't allow myself to even consider it a problem, it just had to happen that way BUT I can well imagine if I'd have had more choice I could easily have stayed home a bit longer with a nice snuggly baby you might be less keen to rush back to work once baby is here, alternatively you might be desperate to get 'normality' back!! Who knows, good luck whatever you choose to do