AIBU - DM wanting to see DD off?

[Lottie4]

DD is leaving at the weekend for a year abroad with uni, may not be home until 8/22. She's leaving early in morning, I know I'm going to be upset so have planned to stop off at a supermarket cafe on way back (sad I know, but I enjoy reading a book over coffee), rather than go back to an empty house straight away.

DM has just phoned saying she's getting the early bus to see DD off as well. DM means well, and DD is her only DC, but she'll arrive and all she'll do is moan about the bus driver, the buses, her neighbour and family (we get this every time and it's tiring) - I know I won't get chance to say goodbye in my own way as DD goes off on the coach. Also, no shops will be open so I'll be obliged to take Mum home or hang around listening to her go on about the said subjects above, when all I want to do is have me time to be upset for a bit.

It's going to be a hard week for all of us though. DD going away, it's our 25th and then 25 years since we lost my DF (died on our honeymoon). I'm conscious she's probably starting to feel all this as well - I do plan to spend time with her next week, even though she'll be talking about the same things, oh and probably a moan about DF which we usually have when we go to the grave.

AIBU - over her coming along to see DD off?

YANBU but it would be nice to arrange a separate farewell for her and DD, perhaps the night before or in the days running up.

YANBU.

"Mum, this is so sweet of you, but I need this goodbye to be just for DD & me. How about we go out to lunch next Tuesday for a lovely catch up instead?"

We've already done a farewell, we all went out for a meal on Tuesday!

@ChargingBuck

YANBU.

"Mum, this is so sweet of you, but I need this goodbye to be just for DD & me. How about we go out to lunch next Tuesday for a lovely catch up instead?"

I second this, perfect response

I would honestly try and do something the day before and then do the drop-off with as little drama and angst as possible. There were lots of emotions when I did my year abroad and it was quite daunting but I’d have found it much harder if I had parents and grandparents making the drop-off a big thing.

YANBU. Can you get your DD to phone or Facetime her gran this evening to say goodbye (again) and politely say "oh gran of course you don't need to bother getting up early to come and see me off!".

I think you're being a bit mean. It's presumably also 25 years since she lost her husband. I'd let her come (and ignore the whingeing)/

@StarryStarrySocks

YANBU. Can you get your DD to phone or Facetime her gran this evening to say goodbye (again) and politely say "oh gran of course you don't need to bother getting up early to come and see me off!".

No, because it is the OP's responsibility to handle this small awkwardness as a grown-up, not pass it off to her daughter.

I’d explain what you’ve said here (minus the moaning bit).

If she just turns up, don’t feel obliged to hang around after the coach has left. Say you have stuff to do and you’ll see her next week.

Do what you need to do for you.

Arrange a special “goodbye to grandma” visit the day before instead? Think you need to be straight with your mum and say you need to do the drop off alone

You need to be alone. Come up with some excuse .
I bawled at the airport with dd

YABU to say no to your mum, she’s making a big effort to come and see DD.

YANBU to tell mum you have an errand in the opposite direction after drop-off so she will need to get the bus home.

@phishy

YABU to say no to your mum, she’s making a big effort to come and see DD.

YANBU to tell mum you have an errand in the opposite direction after drop-off so she will need to get the bus home.

But the OP doesn't want her there. How much effort her moaning mother makes is neither here nor there.

Thanks but no thanks is what is needed.

I think you’re being a bit selfish if I’m honest.

Your DM is all alone in the world, your DD is her only grandchild. She could die in the next year, so I would not deny her any time with my DD in your shoes. Let her go and see DD off if she wants to while she is still young and healthy enough to take busses places on her own.

I know she sounds like hard work, but don’t take her complaining about busses and what not so personally! She’s just got nothing else to make small talk about. Take control of the conversation if you want to.

I don’t understand why you can’t say goodbye in your own way with your DM there, just do it anyway.

Afterwards, take her home and then go and have your me time.

Of course the effort matters, the grandmother is coming to see her adult granddaughter off on a year abroad, and getting there early in the morning.

If the mum was asking for OP to come and pick her up that would be unreasonable.

I have been in a similar situation, and I put my welfare and my family's wishes first - it was unprecedented. She sulked for two weeks. She had a right to her feelings, we also had a right to ours, and not to push ourselves to the side to make room for her on what was an incredibly important and emotional day for us all.

@phishy

YABU to say no to your mum, she’s making a big effort to come and see DD.

YANBU to tell mum you have an errand in the opposite direction after drop-off so she will need to get the bus home.

Fucking hell. Someone's having trouble with the meaning of consent.

So if someone wants something badly enough that they make a big effort to get it, I should put my own needs aside & simply give it to them?

How extensive is this policy, & where does it end? My body? My house?

I'm with you OP. No way would I want anyone there where I said bye to my DTs going off to uni. It's unimaginative of your mum not to see you and DD would prefer to be private.

There is nothing kind of nice about your DMs plan. It's about piggy backing on a key moment in the Mother/child relationship and if she's lonely or bored she needs to get a life, not live yours vicariously.

Fucking hell. Someone's having trouble with the meaning of consent.

So if someone wants something badly enough that they make a big effort to get it, I should put my own needs aside & simply give it to them?

How extensive is this policy, & where does it end? My body? My house?

@ChargingBuck consent? It’s saying goodbye at a coach stop, not an organ donation?

@ChargingBuck

Consent? Well if you want to go down that road, it is the DD leaving and thus up to her who comes to see her off and who doesn’t. It’s not the OPs right to tell the GM not to go. Only the DD can withhold consent.

[quote PlanDeRaccordement]@ChargingBuck

Consent? Well if you want to go down that road, it is the DD leaving and thus up to her who comes to see her off and who doesn’t. It’s not the OPs right to tell the GM not to go. Only the DD can withhold consent.[/quote]
Don't think the DD is too bothered. She had a goodbye social event with her GM a few evenings back.

Don't think the DD is too bothered. She had a goodbye social event with her GM a few evenings back.

How do you know the dd isn’t bothered? “Fucking hell”.

@ChargingBuck consent? It’s saying goodbye at a coach stop, not an organ donation?

It's an intrusion into the mother-daughter goodbye that OP wants.
Telling OP that she ought to give that up because her mother will make a big effort is steamrollering OP's wishes.

What does DD want in all this?

She's going away to Uni, not war. Her Gran can catch up with her in a few months time when she comes back!