AIBU - DM wanting to see DD off?

[Lottie4]

DD is leaving at the weekend for a year abroad with uni, may not be home until 8/22. She's leaving early in morning, I know I'm going to be upset so have planned to stop off at a supermarket cafe on way back (sad I know, but I enjoy reading a book over coffee), rather than go back to an empty house straight away.

DM has just phoned saying she's getting the early bus to see DD off as well. DM means well, and DD is her only DC, but she'll arrive and all she'll do is moan about the bus driver, the buses, her neighbour and family (we get this every time and it's tiring) - I know I won't get chance to say goodbye in my own way as DD goes off on the coach. Also, no shops will be open so I'll be obliged to take Mum home or hang around listening to her go on about the said subjects above, when all I want to do is have me time to be upset for a bit.

It's going to be a hard week for all of us though. DD going away, it's our 25th and then 25 years since we lost my DF (died on our honeymoon). I'm conscious she's probably starting to feel all this as well - I do plan to spend time with her next week, even though she'll be talking about the same things, oh and probably a moan about DF which we usually have when we go to the grave.

AIBU - over her coming along to see DD off?

It’s your daughter’s decision.

@Clymene

Only on MN should someone who clearly is entirely self absorbed take priority.

Why on earth would the OP's daughter want her there? She really didn't need to spell it out - it was right there in the OP for those with reasonable levels of reading comprehension

Totally, Clymene.

You don't need to be playing difficult relative politics at such an emotional time.

Assuming your DD doesn't want her there, contact her ASAP and be honest that you want send-off to be just the two of you. If she's stubborn tell her you'll have to rush off straight afterwards so she'll be left with nothing to do until she can get the bus back.

@Lottie4

We've already done a farewell, we all went out for a meal on Tuesday!

Then, assuming your DD doesn't want her DGM there, tell your DM - "No mum. This is for me and DH."

DD loves DM in her own way, but like the rest of the family she finds DM difficult and trying. She's had a stressful day with last minute problems and just wants to go without Granny being the centre of attention to be honest.

Sadly my DM is probably loney, purely down to the fact she's sees the worst in everyone and they easily offend her - we had an argument about this many years ago and didn't speak for 18 months. The only person who tolerates her is myself and one neighbour, she's upset all family,/others friends - DH tolerates her because she loves me and accepts she's part of the package. It's actually a very sad thing as I'd love a DM I could have fun with.

"Hi mum, DD only wants me there tomorrow as she's going to be upset and doesn't want a fuss. We've told a few other people not to come too. She just wants it to be us two".

Don't apologise or over explain.

What have you decided Lottie4?

Good suggestion from Jessaas.

I hope you don't let your DM spoil this for you.

@GreyhoundG1rl

I can't even imagine declaring the send off private, if it were me. What harm can her Gran being there possibly do?! What does your dd think, or does she get a say?

People who constantly moan ruin pretty much everything. They cut down on the amount of joy others experience, inhibit those around them from making meaningful connections, and make otherwise poignant moments tedious at best. They destroy many opportunities for making good memories - even good sad memories.

Almost no one actually wants to be around people who constantly moan, they are self centered and draining. It's not at all unreasonable to keep some time and memories free of that.

my dd also went away for a year,
my dm told me she considered coming over to say farewell in the morning.
i gather it is upsetting in her age group but communication is possible, phone/internet, face time
do you really want to be alone at the cafe?

@Livvielo

I just look at him and wonder how he ever got TWO women to sleep with him. Two. I know everyone likes a powerful man. But he comes across as a man that couldn’t fight his way out of a wet paper bag.

???

I can see where you're coming from, my mum makes everything about her as well.
I would try and be kind buy firm and say no it's just going to be you and your daughter.

How did it go?

Ok so I clicked YABU before I rtft... I didn’t realise your DD had already had a send off from her granny and that this was an “extra” goodbye from her. So to echo what PPs have said, politely decline, citing your own need to say goodbye to your daughter privately. I hope your DD has a fantastic year away and I’m sure she’s going to make you and your DH (and DM) very proud.

You are not BU. My DS is doing the sane thing in a few weeks and although his granny won't be coming to the house to see him off as she is too elderly to make her own way, I am dreading the tearful goodbyes and the irrational anxiety that has consumed her all her life . Even if she wasn't like that, there is no way that I would want to share my goodbyes with anyone.
On the subject of visas,I'm not sure where your DD is going but my DS is going to Spain and had to apply for a long term student visa. He will be back in June 2022.He is going to work as an English language assistant in a school as part of his uni degree here.
We are in NI and he had the option of getting an Irish passport , which we applied for .As Ireland is still in the EU , no visa would be required but the Irish Passport office are seriously behind so we had to go to the enormous expense and bother of applying for a visa . That could be an entire thread of its own . Seems odd that DD's Uni would only be considering the need for visas at this late stage . Hopefully she doesn't.