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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU - DM wanting to see DD off?

90 replies

Lottie4 · 03/09/2021 17:33

DD is leaving at the weekend for a year abroad with uni, may not be home until 8/22. She's leaving early in morning, I know I'm going to be upset so have planned to stop off at a supermarket cafe on way back (sad I know, but I enjoy reading a book over coffee), rather than go back to an empty house straight away.

DM has just phoned saying she's getting the early bus to see DD off as well. DM means well, and DD is her only DC, but she'll arrive and all she'll do is moan about the bus driver, the buses, her neighbour and family (we get this every time and it's tiring) - I know I won't get chance to say goodbye in my own way as DD goes off on the coach. Also, no shops will be open so I'll be obliged to take Mum home or hang around listening to her go on about the said subjects above, when all I want to do is have me time to be upset for a bit.

It's going to be a hard week for all of us though. DD going away, it's our 25th and then 25 years since we lost my DF (died on our honeymoon). I'm conscious she's probably starting to feel all this as well - I do plan to spend time with her next week, even though she'll be talking about the same things, oh and probably a moan about DF which we usually have when we go to the grave.

AIBU - over her coming along to see DD off?

OP posts:
BeachDrifting · 03/09/2021 18:05

YANBU
Tell her she’s intruding. Don’t let her take away your mum/daughter time

ChargingBuck · 03/09/2021 18:07

@phishy

Don't think the DD is too bothered. She had a goodbye social event with her GM a few evenings back.

How do you know the dd isn’t bothered? “Fucking hell”.

Because if she were, the OP's first post would have been "DD & GM want to be at the goodbye, but I want it to be just DD & me".

I imagine DD is far less bothered than either her mother or GM. The power & optimism of youth & all that - she'll be more focused on her nerves, excitement, & making sure she's got her passport.

phishy · 03/09/2021 18:07

[quote ChargingBuck]**@ChargingBuck consent? It’s saying goodbye at a coach stop, not an organ donation?

It's an intrusion into the mother-daughter goodbye that OP wants.
Telling OP that she ought to give that up because her mother will make a big effort is steamrollering OP's wishes.[/quote]
No one has ‘told’ OP what to do. OP has asked AIBU, people are responding calmly and reasonably. OP is a grown adult who will read the thread and make up on her mind. You’re the one throwing around ‘fucking hell’ for some reason.

phishy · 03/09/2021 18:09

Because if she were, the OP's first post would have been "DD & GM want to be at the goodbye, but I want it to be just DD & me".

People are responding on the provided info, you are making yet another assumption. Dd may well not be bothered but you don’t know that.

HollowTalk · 03/09/2021 18:09

@mbosnz

She's going away to Uni, not war. Her Gran can catch up with her in a few months time when she comes back!
If everyone is still alive, according to @PlanDeRaccordement.
ChargingBuck · 03/09/2021 18:10

The reason, @phishy, is that some PP are blithely telling OP that she is "mean" for wanting to be a deux with her own DD.

Waspsarearseholes · 03/09/2021 18:12

I can definitely see all sides of it here. I think, ultimately, it needs to come down to what your daughter would prefer. Maybe it would make her too emotional if her nan was there too? Or maybe she'd love her to be there. She is your daughter of course but she doesn't belong to you, she is in your mother's family, too. I think you need to ask your daughter what she wants. You don't have to stay with your mum afterwards if you don't want to but it would probably be a bit awkward afterwards - both potentially crying after waving your daughter off then just saying, ok, see you then, to your mum and going your separate ways.

ChargingBuck · 03/09/2021 18:12

@phishy

Because if she were, the OP's first post would have been "DD & GM want to be at the goodbye, but I want it to be just DD & me".

People are responding on the provided info, you are making yet another assumption. Dd may well not be bothered but you don’t know that.

@Lottie4 - as you haven't specified that DD actively wants her GM at the send-off, presumably she is all fine with it just being you & she?
phishy · 03/09/2021 18:13

Saying it’s a bit mean (whoever said it) is not ‘steamrollering’ over OP @ChargingBuck . I’m sure OP can take it and form her own view!

ThatSunnyCorner · 03/09/2021 18:13

OP, what does your DD want? That's what really matters.

If she is happy for her grandparent to be there, she should come along. My DD went abroad for a year and my Mum died within days of her return. That's probably colouring my view to be fair, but if they love each other then why not really?

seaandsandcastles · 03/09/2021 18:14

I think YABU and a bit selfish. This is her only GC.

ThatSunnyCorner · 03/09/2021 18:15

[quote ChargingBuck]**@ChargingBuck consent? It’s saying goodbye at a coach stop, not an organ donation?

It's an intrusion into the mother-daughter goodbye that OP wants.
Telling OP that she ought to give that up because her mother will make a big effort is steamrollering OP's wishes.[/quote]
Where does what the daughter actually wants fit into this?

pastabest · 03/09/2021 18:16

What a shame you have just realised that the coach now needs to go half an hour sooner than DMs early bus can get to you.

countrygirl99 · 03/09/2021 18:17

I understand OP. My DS2 moved to his DWs country and I would have found it hard for anyone other than DH to be there when we said goodbye to them.

MintyGreenDream · 03/09/2021 18:19

So it's the anniversary of her husbands death? She might be wanting to keep herself distracted.

GreyhoundG1rl · 03/09/2021 18:26

I can't even imagine declaring the send off private, if it were me. What harm can her Gran being there possibly do?!

What does your dd think, or does she get a say?

GreyhoundG1rl · 03/09/2021 18:26

@pastabest

What a shame you have just realised that the coach now needs to go half an hour sooner than DMs early bus can get to you.
That's just dickish.
impossible · 03/09/2021 18:27

If you can't shake DM off can you set aside an hour beforehand to spend with your DD and make yourself scarce as soon as you can afterwards. Sometimes you have to look after yourself and this may be one of these times. If you don't want to be blunt could you make and excuse - or drive DM home so you can choose when you leave.

tofuschnitzel · 03/09/2021 18:27

@PlanDeRaccordement

I think you’re being a bit selfish if I’m honest.

Your DM is all alone in the world, your DD is her only grandchild. She could die in the next year, so I would not deny her any time with my DD in your shoes. Let her go and see DD off if she wants to while she is still young and healthy enough to take busses places on her own.

I know she sounds like hard work, but don’t take her complaining about busses and what not so personally! She’s just got nothing else to make small talk about. Take control of the conversation if you want to.

I don’t understand why you can’t say goodbye in your own way with your DM there, just do it anyway.

Afterwards, take her home and then go and have your me time.

She could die in the next year?? Well, the same can be said for any one of us. And where do you draw the line? OP's mum could live for 20 more years, but you think OP should act as if her mum could die at any moment? I think that's a ridiculous way of thinking.
impossible · 03/09/2021 18:28

And / or ask your DD what she would like and make that work.

Original poster
Lottie4 · 03/09/2021 18:36

Thanks for all your replies. I'll talk to DH when he comes home from work later.

DD loves her Granny, but she doesn't find her easy either. She's just done what she feels is her goodbye phone call. We've had lots of last minute phone calls today, ie uni suddenly thinking students need a visa, fairly certain they don't, having to carry extra luggage over a different way and DD paying extra to National Express to take extra luggage, but haven't confirmed so don't know if driver will accept - I don't think either of us can take my Mum talking constantly about the same obsessions if there's a problem.

DM is very difficult and I don't look forward to seeing her, but will be there for her two days in the week to take to grave, DH to help on a job at her house and meet at a cafe. It's hard, she's extremely difficult but she's still my Mum who I love.

OP posts:
Plumtree391 · 03/09/2021 18:38

@Movingsoon21

Arrange a special “goodbye to grandma” visit the day before instead? Think you need to be straight with your mum and say you need to do the drop off alone
They've already done that. I agree with your second sentence and what a previous poster said about telling mum you have things to do so can't hang about.

I hope it goes well, op, chin up. Come back and let us know.

DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 03/09/2021 18:42

Its hard waving your child off to far away places for a year, I've done this and on one hand you are trying to keep it easy and stress free for the DC who is off on an adventure but also feeling sad they are going.

The rush to get to the airport in the morning with all their stuff and navigating the check in can be nerve racking for the driver and the Voyager, without an extra person chatting through it all. Its not exactly a treat.
The DM has already had a farewell meal and OP will be around for her after that in the week.
I think OP has earned the right to have some alone time with her daughter

Paq · 03/09/2021 18:42

YANBU. I have a similar relative and they make every occasion about themselves. It's infuriating.

mbosnz · 03/09/2021 18:45

If it's going to make it harder for your DD, then that's a firm no. This is not actually about your mother, and it shouldn't be allowed to become all about her.

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