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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU - DM wanting to see DD off?

90 replies

Lottie4 · 03/09/2021 17:33

DD is leaving at the weekend for a year abroad with uni, may not be home until 8/22. She's leaving early in morning, I know I'm going to be upset so have planned to stop off at a supermarket cafe on way back (sad I know, but I enjoy reading a book over coffee), rather than go back to an empty house straight away.

DM has just phoned saying she's getting the early bus to see DD off as well. DM means well, and DD is her only DC, but she'll arrive and all she'll do is moan about the bus driver, the buses, her neighbour and family (we get this every time and it's tiring) - I know I won't get chance to say goodbye in my own way as DD goes off on the coach. Also, no shops will be open so I'll be obliged to take Mum home or hang around listening to her go on about the said subjects above, when all I want to do is have me time to be upset for a bit.

It's going to be a hard week for all of us though. DD going away, it's our 25th and then 25 years since we lost my DF (died on our honeymoon). I'm conscious she's probably starting to feel all this as well - I do plan to spend time with her next week, even though she'll be talking about the same things, oh and probably a moan about DF which we usually have when we go to the grave.

AIBU - over her coming along to see DD off?

OP posts:
sonjadog · 03/09/2021 18:48

I think you have to put down your foot and say no. Otherwise she will ruin this moment for you and your daughter and it is a special moment between the two of you.

thedancingbear · 03/09/2021 18:48

^Fucking hell. Someone's having trouble with the meaning of consent.

So if someone wants something badly enough that they make a big effort to get it, I should put my own needs aside & simply give it to them?

How extensive is this policy, & where does it end? My body? My house?^

What the actual fuck?

paddingtonbearmeetsdeadpool · 03/09/2021 18:51

The question is what does your DD want?

GreyhoundG1rl · 03/09/2021 18:51

@thedancingbear

^Fucking hell. Someone's having trouble with the meaning of consent.

So if someone wants something badly enough that they make a big effort to get it, I should put my own needs aside & simply give it to them?

How extensive is this policy, & where does it end? My body? My house?^

What the actual fuck?

Yes, that post is really quite bizarre 🙄
HeartsAndClubs · 03/09/2021 18:52

What the OP wants is irrelevant here. It’s what the DD wants or would appreciate that matters.

She’s going on a year abroad, she probably can’t wait to get away from her family for a year and the OP is trying to make it all about her.

And to that end, it’s a year abroad, not a permanent goodbye.

butterpuffed · 03/09/2021 18:54

Maybe your DM is just lonely.

Three times in your opening post you said your DM talks about the same subjects so she's not the only one .
.

AliceAyres · 03/09/2021 18:56

@butterpuffed

Maybe your DM is just lonely.

Three times in your opening post you said your DM talks about the same subjects so she's not the only one .
.

This this this.
paddingtonbearmeetsdeadpool · 03/09/2021 18:57

I read your last update and you may have no choice if she is making her own way down there.

Pottedpalm · 03/09/2021 19:00

I would let her come and take her for breakfast in the supermarket cafe afterwards. It might distract you.
One day you could be a bit lonely and worried about missing your grandchild. How sad to be made to sit at home and wish you could see her off.

Crowtooyo · 03/09/2021 19:00

I'd probably let her tbh. It's about what your DD wants.

paddingtonbearmeetsdeadpool · 03/09/2021 19:00

Have you checked if she does need a Visa online we are out of Europe now and you cant guess.

Crowtooyo · 03/09/2021 19:00

@Pottedpalm

I would let her come and take her for breakfast in the supermarket cafe afterwards. It might distract you. One day you could be a bit lonely and worried about missing your grandchild. How sad to be made to sit at home and wish you could see her off.
This!!
GreyTV · 03/09/2021 19:13

@ChargingBuck

YANBU.

"Mum, this is so sweet of you, but I need this goodbye to be just for DD & me. How about we go out to lunch next Tuesday for a lovely catch up instead?"

This is perfect!
mbosnz · 03/09/2021 19:17

Here's where I'd put the hierarchy of everyone's wants:

  1. Daughter.
  2. Mother.
  3. Grandmother.

I get that Grandmum wants to be a part of this special moment, but if it's going to make it harder for daughter and Mum, I don't think that it's unreasonable that this time Mum and daughter are prioritised.

This is not saying 'jail for Grandmum, jail for 1,000 years, and then she must pack her bags and travel the world as a lone vagabond', it's saying, sorry Mum/Grandmum, in this instance it's non-inclusive. We look forward to getting together when DD comes down from uni in a couple of months.

Unless of course you have any real reason to believe she might pop her clogs at any given moment, especially if she is denied something she feels is her inalienable right. . .

Livvielo · 03/09/2021 19:19

I just look at him and wonder how he ever got TWO women to sleep with him. Two. Confused I know everyone likes a powerful man. But he comes across as a man that couldn’t fight his way out of a wet paper bag.

BiddyPop · 03/09/2021 19:23

Tell your DM that while it would be lovely (fake smile), there are a lot of things that need to happen in a short space of time and a few problems came up today that you need to sort out. So it really would be better if she doesn't come. Remind her that She has had a farewell lunch, final phone call - and say that both dd and yourself are worried about getting everything done that uni needs so you need to focus entirely on that.

BiddyPop · 03/09/2021 19:24

And then finish by reminding her that you'll see her on X day for the (grave) trip, Y day for DH to do Z job and XX day for the outing for cafe.

Blossomtoes · 03/09/2021 19:26

@GreyhoundG1rl

I can't even imagine declaring the send off private, if it were me. What harm can her Gran being there possibly do?! What does your dd think, or does she get a say?
Me too. It would have never occurred to me to exclude my mum from something like this. Particularly if my daughter was happy for her to be there.
Jessaas · 03/09/2021 19:26

I'd ask DD what she honestly wants.

And afterwards tell DM you have errands to run and leave in a hurry.

SyIviescup · 03/09/2021 19:26

YANBU

My granny is the same, she was like a mother to me so we are very close. She is 89 and not in great health. DD1 lives in the Middle East so so travels here about once a year. When she comes home we always go for a family lunch and this was the first time I've not allowed my granny to come. The last two times she had a seizure in the restaurant and at a picnic we was at and an ambulance was called both times.

She has a serious hiatus hernia, and when she talks too much (taking in too much air with monologuing ), mixes caffeine, and rich foods its actually looks like she has a mini stroke as oxygen gets stopped from travelling to the brain momentarily, its horrible and really scary - then 40 mins later she is completely fine.

I didn't want that to spoil her visit because I'd not seen her in over a year.

We had organised a afternoon at her house for another time but she was really pissed off. Then I get the phone calls about her 'dreams' that she had died and all her family were waiting to greet her..

GeorgiaGirl52 · 03/09/2021 19:32

@phishy

YABU to say no to your mum, she’s making a big effort to come and see DD.

YANBU to tell mum you have an errand in the opposite direction after drop-off so she will need to get the bus home.

Also it is 25 years since she lost her husband too. Maybe a sad memory for her? Maybe she is thinking that she might not be around in 8/22 to see her granddaughter come home? Try to be less mean.
BluebellsGreenbells · 03/09/2021 19:35

Well if she got herself there she can get herself back - maybe mention that to her?

‘Mum she’s just hopping on the coach, I can’t stop I have errands to run!’

Mummyoflittledragon · 03/09/2021 19:39

@HeartsAndClubs

What the OP wants is irrelevant here. It’s what the DD wants or would appreciate that matters.

She’s going on a year abroad, she probably can’t wait to get away from her family for a year and the OP is trying to make it all about her.

And to that end, it’s a year abroad, not a permanent goodbye.

No it isn’t irrelevant. Mothers constantly put their feelings to one side for their children. Op’s wants are also important. As are her dd’s.
AntiSocialDistancer · 03/09/2021 19:43

"When you stop being an obedient daughter, you become a loving mother."

Quote totally butcherer, but from the book 'Untamed'. I highly recommend it Flowers

Clymene · 03/09/2021 19:44

Only on MN should someone who clearly is entirely self absorbed take priority.

Why on earth would the OP's daughter want her there? She really didn't need to spell it out - it was right there in the OP for those with reasonable levels of reading comprehension

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