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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be looking forward to the day my alcoholic parent dies?

88 replies

Hurdl · 03/09/2021 11:45

Do you think I'm unreasonable and cruel?

I truly mean it.

The constant stress and waiting for 'that' phone call has almost driven me to losing my own mind. Going NC wasn't the magic fix I thought it would be. I just want it to end now. I need peace.

OP posts:
MouseInCatsClaws · 03/09/2021 12:21

You poor thing. Entirely understandable.

MouseInCatsClaws · 03/09/2021 12:22

Have you any support to help you with this? Friends, counsellors...anyone you can share this with?

thecognoscenti · 03/09/2021 12:24

No, YANBU. I get it.

Original poster
Hurdl · 03/09/2021 12:25

I have my lovely DH but he feels powerless to help, but he listens, which I love him for.

I haven't seen her for a few months and was feeling marginally better for it, then the phonecalls start with people burdening me with her latest shitty behaviour.

I'm 32 weeks pregnant and got so stressed with it all this morning I had a panic attack and punched a wall. I'm not that person Sad

OP posts:
thecognoscenti · 03/09/2021 12:26

In a way you've probably done a lot of your mourning already. You mourn the person they once were, or might have been, and the relationship you could have had. Solidarity OP 👊🏼

OrangeTortoise · 03/09/2021 12:26

YANBU to feel this way, although when it comes, be prepared that the death may well stir up a lot of complicated emotions that you may not be expecting.

Lottapianos · 03/09/2021 12:26

Not unreasonable at all. My partner feels the same about his mother (health reasons not related to alcohol). I can relate to the feeling of just wanting it all to be over

I think it's a really positive thing to be able to share our deepest, darkest thoughts, rather than holding it all inside. Do you have any professional support for yourself?

UniBallEye · 03/09/2021 12:28

I 100% understand and you have my full sympathy. It is a grinding, relentless source of sadness, stress, grief and anger and you're utterly powerless.
Sending you strength x

Lottapianos · 03/09/2021 12:28

Do you feel that you can tell people, politely but firmly, to stop updating you about her behaviour? That sounds like it's doing you no good at all

Original poster
Hurdl · 03/09/2021 12:28

That's how I feel yes, that I've already done much of my mourning.

I'm sure I'll be sad about it as I'm only human but the day to day stresses and worry will be gone, I so desperately need that peace.

OP posts:
Hoppinggreen · 03/09/2021 12:33

I was quite relieved when my father died.
He wasn’t an alcoholic but was a bloody nightmare even so and not having to wonder about his next stunt was nice. I was NC but even so you know they are out there

Gorkys · 03/09/2021 12:37

YANBU. I feel exactly the same towards my parent.

Original poster
Hurdl · 03/09/2021 12:42

Thank god I'm not alone.

I referred myself for therapy a few months ago and have a telephone appointment coming up. Hopefully that helps me.

I just feel at this stage if her life is so miserable, and she's making everybody else miserable, what's the point in going on? What is she living for?

I would sooner die than inflict this abject misery onto my children. I think the guilt itself would kill me.

She doesn't give a toss and is merrily basking in her daily stupor.

Knowing my luck she will live to 100 just to spite me.

OP posts:
WhatsTheBFD · 03/09/2021 12:44

You have to do what I did.

As soon as anyone says her name, you walk out of the room, the house, leave, ask them to leave, hang up the phone.

I don’t want to discuss her.
I don’t want to discuss her.

Over and over and over until they fucking get it.

Wolfiefan · 03/09/2021 12:46

Hang up. Refuse to listen. Block or screen calls.
You aren’t responsible for her mess.
And YANBU. Flowers

prettyteapotsplease · 03/09/2021 12:48

YANBU, you've got enough on your plate and you are not responsible for your mother. It's tough but having an alcoholic in the family can break other family members too. I've a friend who's been there. Flowers for you.

Original poster
Hurdl · 03/09/2021 12:50

There's only me, her and one other family member around on my side of the family so I have to cut myself off from that person too which means I have nobody (bar DH and my DC)

It's better than this though isn't it?

Her landlady called me yesterday to let me know that the stupid woman is being issued with a written warning on the way to eviction. Landlady knows I don't want to see her in person anymore but always contacts me when there's an issue because I'm the only compos mentis one she can talk to.

I think I'm going to have to change my number.

OP posts:
BoaCunstrictor · 03/09/2021 12:56

Block the landlady, for starters.

Original poster
Hurdl · 03/09/2021 12:58

I have a Samsung galaxy s7 and when you block a number you still see their attempted call in your call log even though they can't get through, they can also still leave voicemails.

I haven't listened to my VM's for months largely due to all of this so lord knows what else I've missed. I'll definitely have to change my number.

OP posts:
lborgia · 03/09/2021 13:00

I completely get it. I keep wondering if I really will feel relief/ positive when my parent has gone... just their existence makes me anxious. Trying to be as LC as possible, and away from the kids. It's a nightmare. Good luck OP.Flowers

Bluenotgreenmilk · 03/09/2021 13:01

Not an alcoholic but a narc mother-and a flea father
I know the day she goes isn’t going to be ‘thank fuck she’s gone’ but it will stir up so many emotions that I won’t be able to deal with
The damage she’s done can never be repaired-nor will his-he’s as bad as her,just in a different way
I’m just praying it’ll be sooner rather than later-they are not getting any younger

SicilyRose · 03/09/2021 13:02

No judgement here, I'm in a similar situation.

No direct contact, but always someone wanting to tell me they've seen them, or phone calls about their care package, housing etc. They've been like they are my whole life. Had siblings who were lovely parents to their children and died too soon. Yet they carry on, living almost animal like, unaware of any consequences.

When they die, it will be a kindness for me, and for them.

daisie30 · 03/09/2021 13:06

Totally get where you're coming from ..had exactly this with my own mother & just wanted an end for all our sakes ..it's so very stressful living this way 🌻..you're not alone in thinking this way

GiantHaystacks2021 · 03/09/2021 13:06

YANBU.
She'll probably never die though (sorry - slight exaggeration) and just run everyone else into the ground.

Abitofalark · 03/09/2021 13:07

Not unreasonable at all. It's very hard to cope with and no contact has made it worse for you by increasing your anxiety rather than lessening it as you had hoped.
You need to find ways to help you defuse some of that, doing active things for yourself and talking to people especially families and relatives of alcoholics - I think there is a network connected with Alcoholics Anonymous specifically for them but someone will correct me if I am wrong about that.

It would also suggest that you need some form of contact with your parent, albeit in a limited way that will protect you from being engulfed and dragged into a downward spiral. In the midst of despair and knowing that you cannot solve or cure the bigger problem, maybe the best you can do is to be practical, providing assistance and comfort even in small or indirect ways and try to find some moments of compassion and positive interaction through that.