To be looking forward to the day my alcoholic parent dies?

[Hurdl]

Do you think I'm unreasonable and cruel?

I truly mean it.

The constant stress and waiting for 'that' phone call has almost driven me to losing my own mind. Going NC wasn't the magic fix I thought it would be. I just want it to end now. I need peace.

I lost my late dp to alcoholism & while losing him nearly broke me I must admit there was a huge sense of relief that there would be no more guilt tripping, lies, threats & violence, in some ways waiting for the phone call was far worse than actually knowing that he had passed away.

YANBU. I've done my mourning for my father, a long time ago. He lives a couple of miles away, the pandemic hasn't changed how often I see him (I've spent a couple of hours with him this year, not my idea). He's destroyed his health, lives alone, barely knows his grandchildren, & still drinks. I no longer care.

OP I am not trying to put you off counselling at all, 100% do it. It is just the timing that concerns mem with you being 32 weeks pregnant. Other posters may well disagree, but for me counselling stirred up a lot of emotions, some very painful memories and to put it bluntly was although very worthwhile, fucking hard. I would consider the timing, hopefully an expert will be along.

I understand. I have similar circumstances.

I feel sorry for the landlady - she sounds very nice - but don’t get sucked in.

@Winnona

OP I am not trying to put you off counselling at all, 100% do it. It is just the timing that concerns mem with you being 32 weeks pregnant. Other posters may well disagree, but for me counselling stirred up a lot of emotions, some very painful memories and to put it bluntly was although very worthwhile, fucking hard. I would consider the timing, hopefully an expert will be along.

I did wonder about this myself

I can't afford it privately so referred myself via the NHS months ago. I had hoped that i'd be seen alot sooner and be in a better headspace by the time my baby is born, but my first appointment (which is a telephone assessment) is worryingly late on in my pregnancy.

My head is just so muddled right now and I'm wracked with stress and anxiety.

I relate to this more than I can express. A relative was hospitalised recently and it seemed like the end. But now things have improved and all I can think is how much more of this can I take.

As a child of an alcoholic I sympathise
what really helped me was thinking long and hard about the 3 cs

I didn’t cause it
I can’t cure it
I can’t control it

Once you grasp that you can feel stong enough to say NO to people trying to involve you.
as soon as other relative starts talking about your mum you say have to go now and hang up.
Same with landlady
It is not your problem to solve
Its sad you dont have the mum you want and deserve, mourn for that but step back

Id advise changing your phone and maybe number. Put your current sim in another phone or switch it off and get someone else to check it for you. You dont need the drama when heavily pregnant, I speak from experience. I had to withdraw from my dad a lot for my mental health, not totally NC but enough to say Im not responsible for any of this and I will not clear up the mess

Oh hurdl, you poor bugger

YANBU.

May I offer a word of caution?
Just as NC didn't give you the relief & closure you hoped for, this parent's death could end up feeling similar.

It may not ... but the thing to focus on is how you stop this parent taking up unwanted headspace like this - alive or dead.

To do that, you are going to need some expert hand-holding.
Do you have the means to pay for therapy? If not, can you access one via your GP? Or Al-Anon might be able to recommend a therapist who has direct experience with helping relatives of alcoholics deal with the fallout - www.al-anonuk.org.uk/getting-help/

You need to protect yourself, & I am sorry that this is the case. Better to be pro-active with finding some techniques to give you some peace, than depend on the unpredictable timescale of death - which may or may not give you the release you are hoping for.

You are, btw, absolutely not unreasonable for feeling this way.
Living with an alkie is hell, & living with one as a powerless child is unmitigated hell.
Look after yourself, & maybe focus less on this person's eventual death as an end point, & much more on reaching a more peaceful frame of mind under your own steam, with expert help, at your own pace.

I haven't seen her for a few months and was feeling marginally better for it, then the phonecalls start with people burdening me with her latest shitty behaviour.

Fucking HELL.
"Hi X, I am sure you mean well, but I am not able to listen to accounts of my mother's behaviour right now. Anyway - what was that film you saw the other night again, it sounded really funny, tell me about it ..."

& repeat, repeat, repeat.
"Broken record" & "Grey Rock" are your friends here OP.

&I'm 32 weeks pregnant and got so stressed with it all this morning I had a panic attack and punched a wall. I'm not that person*

Lovie, we are ALL that person.
Put any human being under the exact formula of stress that tehy find unendurable ... & they will break.

Please - counselling for you now. You DESERVE help. And you have no obligation to listen to anyone talking at you about your mother, ever again.
Shut that shit down. How dare they stress you out & make you miserable? You are not your mother, & you don;t have to answer to her conduct.

& here is something DH can help you with, as he's clearly (hurrah!) supportive & a good listener. He can, if he agrees, take some of the shit-shutting-down burden from you by being the one to have those
conversations when needed.

"My wife's wellbeing is a primary concern, & she no longer needs to hear any news about her mother. Could you do us a favour, & just keep any news or mentions to yourself? Thanks! - Now, about that dinner we're planning" - etc.

Knowing my luck she will live to 100 just to spite me.

& when you find the optimum therapist for you, after a few months work you will give so much less of a shit whether she's alive or dead.

You don't need to hang your peace of mind on an external event like her death.
You can find that peace of mind within you, whether you mother is still alive & causing mayhem, or not.

It will be hard work, but less hard than feeling barely able to cope when randoms ring you up to give you inexplicable bulletins about your mother's latest antics.

Her landlady called me yesterday to let me know that the stupid woman is being issued with a written warning on the way to eviction. Landlady knows I don't want to see her in person anymore but always contacts me when there's an issue because I'm the only compos mentis one she can talk to.

"Hi, my mother's landlady.
Not sure what you are expecting from this call, but whatever it is I can't provide it. Suggest you take it up with your tenant, or get your legal team onto it. Please do not call me again. Goodbye."

I felt so much relief and peace when my alcoholic father passed away. A decade later and I still feel the same way about it. Physical illnesses I'd been dealing with for years disappeared and I went on to achieve so many wonderful things, which I don't know how I could have done with the stress of him in my life.

I miss the father he could have been but I don't miss the person he was. At all.

Not to be harsh, but problem tenants are a risk every landlord takes. Be honest with her- you are NC and you can't help. At all. Let her know that you understand that she's been helpful, and that you also understand any future actions she may have to take, but that is the absolute extent of your input now.

It isn't easy. I struggled for a long time with the judgemental looks, and awkward pauses when people didn't hear what they expected me to say. But I've got to a point where the discomfort of all that, is easier to cope with than the pain of trying to be involved.

It would also suggest that you need some form of contact with your parent, albeit in a limited way that will protect you from being engulfed and dragged into a downward spiral. In the midst of despair and knowing that you cannot solve or cure the bigger problem, maybe the best you can do is to be practical, providing assistance and comfort even in small or indirect ways and try to find some moments of compassion and positive interaction through that.

Very kindly meant & well written post, but I have to disagree.

It's the opposite of being an indication that some contact remains.
OP wanted NC. One of the reasons it hasn't given her the relief she seeks is because she's unable to feel fully NC while randoms keep ringing her up to regale her with tales from her mother's dysfunctional life.

It all needs to stop, & the only time OP needs to hear her mother's name is in the safety of her therapist's office, or while being held & protected by her nice DH as she sobs out her latest feelings of rage & despair.

@ChargingBuck

It would also suggest that you need some form of contact with your parent, albeit in a limited way that will protect you from being engulfed and dragged into a downward spiral. In the midst of despair and knowing that you cannot solve or cure the bigger problem, maybe the best you can do is to be practical, providing assistance and comfort even in small or indirect ways and try to find some moments of compassion and positive interaction through that.

Very kindly meant & well written post, but I have to disagree.

It's the opposite of being an indication that some contact remains.
OP wanted NC. One of the reasons it hasn't given her the relief she seeks is because she's unable to feel fully NC while randoms keep ringing her up to regale her with tales from her mother's dysfunctional life.

It all needs to stop, & the only time OP needs to hear her mother's name is in the safety of her therapist's office, or while being held & protected by her nice DH as she sobs out her latest feelings of rage & despair.

Absolutely agree. OP stick to your NC guns.

It's true my other relative doesn't help and makes matters worse. I was saying to her on the telephone today that I don't want to hear about mum anymore, she said she respects that then a few minutes later began asking what I would advise that she does to help her.

Next time, don't tell her. Scream it. You are within you rights to lose your rag here.
This relative is paying no mind to your repeated request, & no attention to your needs & mental health.
Follow up the screaming with a clear statement that you mean this so strongly that you will be unable to keep speaking to Relative if they insist on talking about your mother.

I think you should send the landlady a note explaining that you, like everyone else who has dealings with your mother, have zero impact on her behaviour. And that you are now heavily pregnant and need for your own sanity to focus on raising your own child in a calm, stress free environment. With this in mind, you are politely asking the landlady never to contact you again regarding your mother, She is not your responsibility. She did not care for you and you cannot prioritise her now when you have a baby on the way. No more calls about her ever, please.

Same with the other relative. If you are polite and honest and absolutely firm, they will understand.

I don't agree about screaming to the other relative. Just say the same thing each time: no or no idea.

Relative: Could you just...
You: No
Relative: What do you think I...
You: No idea
Rel: But would you...
You: No
Rel: Should we:
You: No idea

etc etc. Never deviate.

Apologies - It's the opposite of being an indication that some contact remains. should have been

It's the opposite of being an indication that some desire for contact remains.

My alcoholic parent died in February. I was no contact. It was a relief and I had one day of being a bit teary but I'd already mourned for the parent I wish I had by going no contact. Honestly the relief was major xx

I had those thoughts and then I had the knock on the door.

I had wished my dad dead so many times and when it finally happened I felt so guilty for the relief it brought. I'm still sad for the person I know my dad was without a drink but it was no way to live.

You're NBU - not at all. My Dad wasn't an alcoholic but he was an incredibly difficult man with MH problems he refused to get help for - he made our life very unpleasant when we were growing up and latterly became a recluse after Mum died. I'd be lying if I said I missed him - it was a relief not to have to deal with the worry and stress of wondering where he was and what he was doing. I shed a tear at his funeral, but that was all.

I think we mourn what we might have had - rather than what we had, if that makes sense.

I’ve not read the full thread but I felt the way you do. Unfortunately, their death did not provide the relief I’d hoped for. Instead, It opened up a whole other can of worms and also the realisation that I would never get answers and understand why they’d behaved the way they did and why they’d treated the family so appallingly. The realisation that I didn’t know their favourite food was also bizarrely unsettling.

Time has helped heal some wounds but it definitely influenced my choice of partner, he’s almost tee total with the exception of our wedding toast. Becoming a mum myself was also a huge trigger as I found it incomprehensible to treat my dc the way they behaved and treated us.

I agree with pp that said no contact.
My Dh is the son of an alcoholic mother and he refuses to discuss her with anyone who brings her up. It took him a really long time to get to that point but for the past 10 years maybe he’s been mainly at peace with it, and since DS was born two years ago he’s absolutely at peace with it. He has no idea how she could do the things she did to him, given the love he has for our son and his desire to protect him.

He doesn’t owe her anything and neither do you.

You have to look after yourself and your family first.

I never understood why my DM kept living. She took no joy out of life. She never ever did anything or had anything nice to say. I hated her. I thought I would be sad or feel something when she died and I was briefly. Within hours that turned to anger and I'm still angry now years later.

People like this are selfish emotional vampires. I hope you do find peace.