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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be looking forward to the day my alcoholic parent dies?

88 replies

Hurdl · 03/09/2021 11:45

Do you think I'm unreasonable and cruel?

I truly mean it.

The constant stress and waiting for 'that' phone call has almost driven me to losing my own mind. Going NC wasn't the magic fix I thought it would be. I just want it to end now. I need peace.

OP posts:

EmbarrassingMama · 03/09/2021 13:11

I have an alcoholic parent who is, thankfully, dry now and has been for ten years. We are so close now, but when they were drinking I used to wish the same.

I have nothing to add but solidarity. It is so, so hard.

idontlikealdi · 03/09/2021 13:20

Been there, done that. When my dad finally died I didn't feel anything. I mourned him as my dad many many years before.

rosie1959 · 03/09/2021 13:23

You are correct Abitofalark there is Alanon for relatives of Alcoholics
Unfortunately OP your parent is in the grips of a serious usually terminal illness but by the nature of it they cannot see it
I can see it from both sides I have been where your parent is fortunately I did not drink like this for a long time and I found a way out and haven’t drunk for getting on for 20 years
You can do nothing it has to come from them

Miniroofbox · 03/09/2021 13:25

I get it. I’m sorry you’re going through this.

LBirch02 · 03/09/2021 13:26

YANBU OP. My mum was an abusive alcoholic parent when I was a child and it knocked my confidence to smithereens

Original poster

Hurdl · 03/09/2021 13:29

So many here who can relate, I'm so sorry

OP posts:

pointythings · 03/09/2021 13:31

YANBU, OP. I felt the same about my alcoholic late husband - we were separated. I got the call 8 months after I had the police remove him from our home after he threatened to kill me. I didn't feel quite the same about my late DM, though I did have to block several people who were nagging me and Dsis to say we should take her in to live with us (hell no). I got the call about her death 4 days before she would have been sectioned and placed in a care home against her will - dominant feeling was relief because she wanted to die.

I am please to see you are seeking help - these are complex emotional minefields. I still attend a support group over 3 years after my husband died.

notthemum · 03/09/2021 13:32

I am so sorry my love. I really think that you need to change your number. I do understand that you may feel conflicted about this but I promise that it is for the best. You really don't need this stress.
I am pleased to hear that your DH is supportive and that you are going to talk to a professional. Maybe you should write a list of things that you would like to say as it can be overwhelming when you have this sort of call and you usually think of things afterwards.

Wish I could be some proper help, hopefully someone will comè along soon who will have better advice 💐

DoubleEx · 03/09/2021 13:35

My mum died of alcoholism. After 20 years of utter insanity, terror and heartbreak, it was a huge relief.

YANBU.

I often used to look at her and think ‘we wouldn’t let an animal suffer like this.’ If she’d have been a dog or a cat she would’ve been put out of her misery years ago.

Comedycook · 03/09/2021 13:38

My alcoholic parent died. It's a complex web of emotions! No judgement from me

blubberyboo · 03/09/2021 13:52

I understand OP

Often it is other people who make it worse by their judgey expectations that the family will step in every time to sort out disasters.

It’s exhausting

Notaroadrunner · 03/09/2021 13:56

@Hurdl

There's only me, her and one other family member around on my side of the family so I have to cut myself off from that person too which means I have nobody (bar DH and my DC)

It's better than this though isn't it?

Her landlady called me yesterday to let me know that the stupid woman is being issued with a written warning on the way to eviction. Landlady knows I don't want to see her in person anymore but always contacts me when there's an issue because I'm the only compos mentis one she can talk to.

I think I'm going to have to change my number.

I would change your number. You don't need anyone ringing you with problems related to your mother.

Angryfrommanchester1 · 03/09/2021 13:57

@WhatsTheBFD

You have to do what I did.

As soon as anyone says her name, you walk out of the room, the house, leave, ask them to leave, hang up the phone.

I don’t want to discuss her.
I don’t want to discuss her.

Over and over and over until they fucking get it.

Yes to this. You don’t want to hear about her. Ever. So sorry OP.

TheNoodlesIncident · 03/09/2021 14:18

Going NC was great, it's unfortunate that your other relative won't help you with this. I would warn them that they must stop talking to you about her or you will change your number and be done with them too. And then do it. It would be a shame but they're not being supportive, they're just keeping that contact going, even if it's not direct contact with your mother. You just don't need this hassle.

I don't judge you at all. Or anyone else with an alcoholic relative. Our stepfather was an alcoholic (we were kids) and I have zero tolerance for it now. I only wish you peace.

mogtheexcellent · 03/09/2021 14:32

I feel the same way. Ive been NC for 8 years (also started NC while pregnant). It does get easier.

But yes i am waiting for the bastard to die so I can have proper closure.

Original poster

Hurdl · 03/09/2021 14:37

Thank you all for making me feel less of a monster.

It's true my other relative doesn't help and makes matters worse. I was saying to her on the telephone today that I don't want to hear about mum anymore, she said she respects that then a few minutes later began asking what I would advise that she does to help her.

I've told her 100 times that mum cannot be helped and she must concentrate on herself, her reply was that mum is her flesh and blood and she can't wash her hands of her. I said that's her decision but I want no part of it.

Sadly I don't think I'm going to be able to have a relationship with this person either as they are too deeply entrenched in it all.

OP posts:

Aquamarine1029 · 03/09/2021 14:37

I haven't seen her for a few months and was feeling marginally better for it, then the phonecalls start with people burdening me with her latest shitty behaviour.

You have to set boundaries, op, and you are 100% entitled to do so. Tell all of these people, and the landlady, you will no longer listen to one more word about her, not ever again. Hang up, block, change your number, whatever it takes. You must stand up for yourself.

pointythings · 03/09/2021 14:38

@mogtheexcellent

I feel the same way. Ive been NC for 8 years (also started NC while pregnant). It does get easier.

But yes i am waiting for the bastard to die so I can have proper closure.

I so get this. I remember fantasising about getting that call, so I knew that what I would feel was relief. And it was. Knowing he was dead was better than worrying whether he might be (because despite the hell he had put us through, I still worried about him).

There was also the fact that every time something happened with DDs (DD1 was hospitalised after he left, DD2 had an accident that landed her in A&E via ambulance), I felt I had to inform him - and I never got a response because he'd be drunk/had forgotten to charge his phone/some other bullshit reason. Not having to think about that was a burden lifted.

Lucywithout · 03/09/2021 14:39

I loved my father dearly. I was raising 3 very young children and he was in another county dying slowly of lung cancer. He was not an alcoholic but I was so relieved when he died. You have a mother with big "issues" dont feel guilty to say Goodbye to those and her. Relief when the pressure eases is part of the grieving process. Look after yourself.

MintyGreenDream · 03/09/2021 14:41

Definitely block the landlady

Lentil63 · 03/09/2021 14:43

The way you feel is understandable and not unreasonable. Please consider contacting Al-Anon.
www.al-anonuk.org.uk/

suka · 03/09/2021 14:46

My DH lost his alcoholic mother a couple of months ago. We always anticipated it, but the death of her partner 6 weeks earlier spiralled her faster. She was 62. He feels like a weight has lifted. And so do I. Hope you're ok.

UrbanRambler · 03/09/2021 14:57

No judgement here, my father was an alcoholic and the the way it affected him and our family was just awful.

That said, I feel a bit sorry for the landlady - your mother has probably caused her massive problems if she is evicting her, and no doubt she feels concern about effectively making your mother homeless, but once it's done then social services will pick up the pieces. Your relative sounds well meaning, in that she just doesn't know how to help your mother and is looking for moral support and ideas - she is probably worried sick about it all. The trouble is, if anyone took your mother in, chances are that would ruin their own lives - there is no peace to be had when living with an out of control alcoholic. It's all very sad an upsetting, but I would write a couple of letters, one to social services and one to the relative, laying out the reasons why you are not able to get involved, then be very firm if anyone phones to keep repeating those reasons and end the calls.

I'm sorry you are going through this, good luck with your baby, take care of yourself.

Original poster

Hurdl · 03/09/2021 15:14

Thank you all ❤

I do feel for the landlady too as she has tried to help mum and overlooked quite alot, but it has escalated to the point where she's upsetting the neighbours (arriving home so pissed she doesn't know which flat is hers and trying the neighbours doors is one example) and landlady can't ignore it any longer.

She did stress that she won't lose her flat imminently but if she doesn't make changes immediately it will be in the pipeline.

Mum will then move in with our other relative who will happily house her, at whatever cost to herself sadly.

We have referred mum to adult SS several times and other supportive agencies but she just doesn't engage so there's no more that can be done by anybody except her.

OP posts:

billy1966 · 03/09/2021 15:17

@WhatsTheBFD

You have to do what I did.

As soon as anyone says her name, you walk out of the room, the house, leave, ask them to leave, hang up the phone.

I don’t want to discuss her.
I don’t want to discuss her.

Over and over and over until they fucking get it.

This OP.

You need to protect your MH and your baby at all cost.

You can't change her path.

Step completely away from anyone who would burden you.

They are not acting in your best interests, so step away.

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