To ask, If you have/had an amazing mum, what makes you think this?

[Blaaaaaaaaah]

I know it seems odd but I just want to right a bad cycle.
I really want to bring my kids up right but I’m just terrified I’ll go down the same way as my mother, hers before her and so on.

I knew she loved me- even when I was an absolute dick 😂

challenge the behaviour but don’t criticise the child,

I pretended to hate it at the time, but every cuddle was precious

Tell them you love them

If someone hurts them, HELP them. Whatever that looks like.

My mum is 70 and I still turn to her: 40 year old me knows she loves me.

Firm but fair.
Punished me when I needed it, but also made sure I was never afraid to come to her with anything.
Worked hard and installed the same work ethic in me.
Made sure I completed school to the best of ability but also gave me the opportunity to do any extra curricular activities I wanted to explore what my passions are.
Frequent cuddles and declarations of love.

Have you read this book?

www.goodreads.com/book/show/42348818-the-book-you-wish-your-parents-had-read

Soooooo many things it's completely impossible to note it down, but I suspect it's the total of lots and lots and lots of little things all added up.

I'll tell you one amazing my mom used to do for me when I was a teenager that was so kind - breakfast in bed every morning!! She'd make me a cup of tea and a toasted bagel and bring it up to my room so I could have breakfast and get ready leisurely. Usually with a kiss on my head and a gentle greeting.

No stress, no being shouted at to get up. The smell of the bagel soon made me sit up to eat it and of course the caffeine from the tea helped too I'm sure.

Many years later I think about this often and try to do little thoughtful things for others as I know how much I appreciated them growing up.

Honest, firm, fair, loving. Can always go to her with problems, she will tell me if she thinks I’m right or in the wrong. She’s fun.

Dependable. Made me feel safe. Know she'll always be there for me. Interested in me. Strong.

Also she's fun and funny and smart and interesting but not everyone can be those things. Sure they're still great moms

Never judged me even when I screwed up
Never belittled me in front of others, even when she was really cross
Always made my feelings feel valid, even if they were trivial
Always let me sit on her knee when I asked
Always tucked me in at night and said she loved me
Never said no without giving me a reason. I never heard "because I said so"
Was honest with me when I asked her about sex and things
Allowed me freedom as a teen, with the understanding if I took the piss I would not be granted the same trust again. In return she always knew where I was, who with and what I was doing. If she really really was uncomfortable I didnt go

I'm now in my 30s and have the best relationship with her. I am trying my hardest to be as good of a mum to my boys as she was to me!

The only thing I disliked and have changed about my own parenting style is how she dealt with food. We weren't allowed to talk a lot at dinner and we absolutely had to clear our plates. It made me have a very unhealthy relationship food where I was too afraid to ever try anything new until my 20s. Dinner time is much more sociable for my family now and my kids are really good eaters.

@Blaaaaaaaaah

I know it seems odd but I just want to right a bad cycle. I really want to bring my kids up right but I’m just terrified I’ll go down the same way as my mother, hers before her and so on.

The fact you want to change it suggests you are halfway there. I had some counselling to help and also love listening the podcast 'how did we get here' on my drive to work.

My mum was strict but I new she was always there to listen and she cared.Now when I have grown up she is my biggest cheerleader and my best friend.I know exactly how much she has done.She wasn't my best friend growing up though

She is always kind, always put us first (though perhaps too much!), goes out of her way to help and be as loving as possible even now I'm 35!

She honestly is just bloody wonderful and I couldn't cope without her. She is so incredibly selfless and all my friends are jealous, even at our age. I desperately hope I am even half the Mum to my children that she is. I haven't done her justice with this post!

My mum bust her bollocks raising us. She wasn't perfect, we didn't have a luxury upbringing. But she put us first and did everything she could for us, including keeping us out of trouble and making sure we all went to school and kept out of trouble. But also was really fun and chilled.

Now I'm a mum I realise she's fucking super human. She was my age, single parent with three kids and no parents to help her, after looking after her mum until she died.

Firm but fair also for me! Loving, I never doubted her love even when I was 'bad'. She was very open - I felt like I could tell her anything and wasn't ever afraid of her reaction, even if I knew she'd be disappointed or cross. She's always been supportive but will also give it to me straight if I need it. She's still me go-to person as an adult and I still feel so loved and wanted by her.

Its really hard to sum up but that complete feeling that she could sort/fix anything and we were completely safe with her (and Dad).

My biggest supporter and encourager but with boundaries and discipline and completely honest with me.

My mum is my rock

As a little girl I remember playing barbies with her, lots of cuddles, park trips and ice cream. She was always very involved.

As a teenager, I had undiagnosed autism (mum had tried to get help when I was little but was told to deal with it basically) and my parents split, as well as being horrendously bullied in high school and being raped at 11. I rebelled. Not because my mum was awful, she was anything but. She was lovely. But I wanted out of my life.
Through all of this she tried to be as involved as possible. When I was at my lowest I still turned to her. She went into school to try and sort the bullying, she contacted my GP again for help with my moods and temper, she begged anyone who would listen to please help her little girl. She always made sure I knew she was there, even if I pretended not to listen at the time.

Now as a disabled 30 year old mother of three, she comes and does my housework for me, she helps me into the shower, she puts my socks on and she makes me laugh. We have such a good relationship. We talk every single day, numerous times a day, see each other 2 or 3 times a week. I dont know where I'd be without her. And I still turn to her when I'm at my lowest because mum will always be there with a hug and some wise words to make everything feel OK again.

Shes a fantastic nan to my kids, and she was there when I gave birth to DS1. I didn't want anyone except my mum there. She'd been there for every scary thing before, and she was there then and advocated for me when I needed her too.

She is just fab. I hope I'm half as good as she is, and if I am I know I'll have done good.

My mum was always pleased to see me. Every morning she'd be delighted to see me, she'd always smile at me when I entered the room. Just always made me feel valued and loved.

She's not perfect, but she is amazing. Mainly because she believed in me and built me up to believe in myself. Sets an example of working at things and making an effort. Is massively loyal to all of our family, we are a very tight unit and she's the centre of it. She's the boss 🤣

She never judges. This was so important as I got older. It was so comforting to learn that I could go to her with ANY problem or mistake and she'd just listen.

She was also just very present, consistently but not in an overbearing way. Always encouraged our independence, didn't get sad when we moved onto new stages. She was openly happy for us to be growing and achieving, as she always said this was the whole point of parenting for her.

She wasn't perfect of course, and I did inherit her awful relationship with food/diets.

When we were young she was firm, we had routine and boundaries. Treated the 4 of us without favouritism, nurtured us (she is a feeder!). Instilled values and principles - fairness, kindness, compassion, work ethic. Encouraged us to do well at school. Worked as a teacher herself. Also worked hard to make sure we enjoyed our camping holidays which was all we could afford (only realise how hard work this was in retrospect). Said no and meant it when we nagged for things we couldn’t afford and didn’t need! Listened to us, respected our hopes and dreams.
As an adult became a friend- we shared clothes, shopping trips, afternoon teas, holidays. We chat and laugh on the phone often and she has learned to FaceTime! Treats all the grandkids fairly too. She is now in her 80s and still wants to run around after us so we have to look after her by stealth now!
What sort of Mum do you want to be OP? It sounds like you are trying to break a cycle. What role models do you have? Do your best- you won’t always get it right but your awareness and good intentions will go far.

Just always being there. I could always tell her anything and know that she'd listen. She didn't hesitate to tell me if she thought I'd been an idiot (not that she ever said those exact words) but she said loved me nonetheless. As a teenager we got very close and shared a lot of worries and dreams. We used to go shopping together and everything. Unfortunately my mum is nearly 80 and has issues with mobility and is not as sharp or funny as she was once. She still worries about me though and I couldn't ask for a better mum.
I wanted to be a mum just like her, unfortunately I'm not as good a mum as she is, but I try to model myself on her.

She tries so hard to be what we need.

These are lovely

I just knew she loved us, we were the centre of her world. She was kind and welcoming to anyone we brought home. She was so proud of us (just for the little things).
Was a doting grandmother with always the right balance of helping and not interfering.
I miss her so much and can’t even put my finger on why she was so lovely 😢. Wish I could tell her that now.

I always knew she loved me unconditionally, even when I was a complete arsehole. She also always held me to account for my behaviour and would encourage me to do the right thing.

When I got older I found out she stayed in a loveless marriage because she wanted me to have stability and she never showed any resentment. For the record, I don't believe this was a good choice for her, but I appreciate her reasoning behind it even though it saddens me.

When I went out clubbing, she wouldn't go to sleep until she heard me come in - often at around 6am. She'd put the kettle on and we'd have a cuppa whilst I told her about my night.

I always knew that I had a home with her.

She gave me a lot of freedom to make my own choices and although she offered guidance, she didn't interfere in my life. But she was always there for me when things went tits up.

She would fight my corner in almost any situation, even if I was in the wrong. But she'd hold me responsible behind closed doors.

Before she died she told me that I was her life's work.

She was and is the strongest person I have ever known. She was firm and fair as others have said. Always on my side even when that meant telling me I am wrong but allowed me to make my own mistakes. She trusted me rather than coddled me. Never put the pressure of her expectations on us but didn’t hide us from the realities of the world we lived in. Now we’re all older - she is the most accepting and welcoming person - anyone who needs a family to support them are welcomed with open arms and an invite to Christmas. The respect and love I have for her could not be matched and it has little to do with her being my mother but the amazing person she is. I know how very lucky I was to be raised by her and how lucky I am still to have her in my life