To ask, If you have/had an amazing mum, what makes you think this?

[Blaaaaaaaaah]

I know it seems odd but I just want to right a bad cycle.
I really want to bring my kids up right but I’m just terrified I’ll go down the same way as my mother, hers before her and so on.

She loved her kids and showed it through her actions. She (along with my father) provided a safe and comfortable home for us. She made us feel special and put our needs first. She cared about our hobbies and encouraged us in our interests. She put effort into making our lives fun and fulfilling. When we grew older, she accepted that we would make our own decisions and didn't try to convince us to change our minds just to suit her wishes.

She's always there. She always listens, no matter how small, how trivial, if it's important to me, it's important to her. She doesn't always try to fix it, but she will if I need her to. She gave me the tools to work it out alone, but I always knew if i couldn't work it out, she'd be there to do it with me, never for me, but with me.

Always, always would do whatever she could to help me, in any situation.
She’d defend me to the back teeth to anyone, but tell me frankly in private if I’d made bad choices.
Tea and toast in bed as a teenager and a stroke on the forehead. I wish my DH would do that for me every morning!
Giving me anything that was in their remit, horse riding, ballet, art lessons, even though I see now their own lives were extremely frugal.
She’s my absolute rock now and I’m 37!

Always on my side.
Knowing I always had somewhere to go and someone to turn to.
Knew I was loved unconditionally.
Could tell her anything.

Now, after her death, although I have other loved ones, I feel very much alone.

What she did right: always, always fought our corner when we needed her; would be there any time of day or night if I asked; honest with us, always; tells us she's proud of us often; emotionally available; let us develop into adults without being too helicopter parenty or too hands off; (almost*) never treated either of us differently even though we are very different people and both 'better' or 'worse' in various ways by societal standards; I could tell her anything and she would never ever hit the roof; let us (to an extent) discuss things with her rather than it being a 'because I said so'.

(*What she did wrong - the only thing, and it's not really her fault as she has suffered for 40 years with it: let her eating disorder/issues with food cloud her relationship with what we ate. It's the thing I would be most determined not to pass on if I wanted children.)

I love my mum so much, even for her flaws. It's amazing you want to break past cycles, and what an amazing way to approach parenting - but don't feel like you have to be perfect or you're fucked it up. Not one single parent is perfect.

Whenever she saw me she smiled. If when she was angry with me and telling me off, she needed to hold my hand there was tenderness in the touch even when there was anger in the voice, it made me want to do better to make them match.
She always was willing to listen, sometimes she was the only person in my life who was so it meant a lot.

These are so, so beautiful. Things here for lots of us to reflect on.

I also feel a bit teary at @noblegreenk’s last line. It’s how I feel about my DD. Can I ask if that made you feel pressurised, or if she gave you any hint of that growing up, @noblegreenk?

Best of luck in your thinking, OP. I wonder if there were any women in your life, mums of friends or anything, for you to draw on?

I have the best mum in the world and she is my best friend.
She worked hard and encouraged me to do the same
She never judged or was critical of me
She allowed me to take risks and make mistakes
She is fun, funny, kind and smart and always up for an adventure
She supports us financially and emotionally
She always listens and is really interested in us
She never shames or belittles us
She is always on our side and has always believed us
She is our biggest cheerleader
She shares her emotions with us and encourages us to do the same
She had a separate and unique relationship with all 4 of us (siblings), she recognises we are individuals
She absolutely adores her grandchildren and provides much needed and appreciated childcare
Growing up I always felt safe and secure. My needs were met and my mom told us we were her number one priority

I bloody love her!

She had the worst childhood so all she wanted was for her children to have it better.

Since becoming a mother I realised she sacrificed too many of her own needs but god we love her! She left school very early with no qualifications but worked so hard to put us all through university. I have no idea how she managed to afford it but she found a way.

No matter how much I screwed up she would try to help sort it. She was/is incredibly tactile and loving - to the point we teased her about it while secretly loving it.

We always knew we were her number one priority. In fact I just said to her last week how much of a gift it is to have one person in your life who you know will always be there no matter what, it gives a sense of security like no other. It saddens me greatly that not everyone has that. I love spending time with her, treating her to trips away etc. We often laugh until we cry. She's a wonderful mother.

She loves me and shows it by being in touch and helping me with my children when she can.

As a child, I knew I was loved. I had a good routine and decent boundaries. She prioritised my education. She forgave me when I was (and am) daft, annoying or snappy.

My mum is very strict, but she's superhuman in everything she does. She is a great role model to my daughter. She is incredibly smart, witty, self-disciplined, has steely determination and unbelievable organisational skills. She is also an amazing cook. She would do and does anything for me and my brother and everything she does, she does to perfection

My DB and I are the people she loves with every fibre of her being. She was on our side.
She did household management brilliantly as well as working as a teacher. We had everything.
I'm in my 50s. She's my best friend. She knows me better than I know myself. I'm very, very lucky.

She is always there, always on my side. She never told me she loves me (something which I ensure I do for my DC) but I know she does and always has. I know if I ever need to leave my DH she will have a place for me and the DC. She has dedicated her life to her DC. She only ever wanted to be a mum which, during my teenage years, I thought was sad. But she was always there. Every school play, every award ceremony. Sometimes she would be the only parent present. She is the same with my DC. She can’t do enough for them. She is so proud of each of her DC; she tells everyone about us. My parents were poor when I was growing up but we always got everything we wanted. We didn’t get it immediately but she found a way.

I’ve always said if I’m half the parent she was my DC would be ok.

She'd always listen what i had to say. And i mean REALLY listened. When i was a teen she'd show real curiosity for the music i liked, the new and weird things i wanted to do and never dismissed my interests as "teen stuff". She was willing to learn new things from me. She really respected me. Whenever i did something wrong she would be clear and firm about her disaproval of my action but never of me as a person. And she was fun.

I just lost my mum last February to Covid. It's hard to itemize why she was such an amazing mum. Unconditional love is hard to quantify.

I guess the primary thing is that I grew up with such a wonderful feeling of security and safety. She was always calm and reassuring. She was fair. She listened. She was always 'Mum', she never tried to be my 'best friend'. That is, until I became an adult. Then she was Mum when I needed her to be and 'friend' when I didn't. Always, she was my 'soft place to land' when life got rough.

I have to say, I'd say the same about my late Dad, too. They had a wonderful marriage and their love for each other allowed them to be the best parents they could be to us.

My mum was fantastic. Don’t have many memories as a child but the biggest thing I do remember is always being trusted to do the right thing whether it was picking school subjects or deciding if we wanted to quit a sport.

She was so supportive but never stepped in or face advice unless asked and that made me and my siblings grow up so confident.

She also was fantastic at making life fun. Really enjoyed hosting friends, throwing birthday parties, going all out at Christmas. Really thoughtful things like sending advent calendars up when we were away at uni. Leaving a little study package with a DVD and lollies on my bed while I was prepping for gcses. So proud of our achievements but never tried to take credit.

She died when I was 21 and I miss her every day.

My mum is amazing.

Her own mother was dreadful and abusive as was her father.

That my own mother had the strength to not bring any of that into her upbringing of me is something that I will always admire her for. She wasn’t perfect, but by that I mean she was human, she got ratty, she didn’t always cope well, which made her retreat sometimes, or turn to me for help when I was a bit too young, but none of these things were BIG things… if you get my drift. She was loving, kind, always around, interested, stable, not abusive or horrible.

So you can do it too. And you’ll have kids who totally adore you.

My darling mum died when I was early twenties. She was my best friend. But also very clearly my parent. To her, I was the most beautiful, talented, brainy, funny girl in the world. But at the same time, she would always call me out if I was ever unkind or unjust to another human being. That to me was what a wonderful mum should be. I hope I can live up to her loveliness.

My mm didn't place any expectations on me in terms of educational achievement - as long as I was happy, I could follow any route I wanted. This was priceless for me.

My mum also managed to get qualifications and get a well paying job during our childhood which was no mean feat.

Before she died she told me that I was her life's work
Not me sobbing at 3am I really hope one day I will have the same impact your mum had on my DS.

My mum made some difficult and even questionable choices while I was growing up.. however I know now as an adult she would do anything for me (and my DS) if I asked her

I absolutely adore my mum, and I don't think it's because of her mothering skills. She was a lovely mum when we were little kids, but struggled when we were older. She's just the best person though, and aside from my husband and child, she's who I want to spend the most time with! She's a great mum now to me now I'm a mum myself, she can't do enough for me, and it's all genuine and respectful... as in, not just an act to get to the grandchild! We've been to hell and back snd I do think that's helped our relationship now.

The thing I remember and appreciate the most was that I could be completely myself- that feeling of acceptance.

My mum made (still does!) me feel safe. Growing up, she always listened and took into account what I had to say. She stood up for me, had my back but equally, she also told me whenever she thought I was wrong / disciplined me when needed. We both have similar tempers and had a fair amount of the usual arguments but I ALWAYS knew that her love WAS / IS unconditional and I can rely on her.

The other thing is how much my mum gave up for us kids(and my dad). She has a good career when she got married but gave it up to be a SAHM so my dad could build his own business. At one time my mum had 3 under 4s and did the accounts for my dad's business.
She has never said she resents giving up her career and my dad did do well but I often think now how amazing she was to give up so much for her children (although this was probably more common in the 70s/early 80s).
She always said the holidays were the best time for her and she hated it when we went back to school.