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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask, If you have/had an amazing mum, what makes you think this?

101 replies

Blaaaaaaaaah · 02/09/2021 22:05

I know it seems odd but I just want to right a bad cycle.
I really want to bring my kids up right but I’m just terrified I’ll go down the same way as my mother, hers before her and so on.

OP posts:
Rhinothunder · 03/09/2021 05:23

Shout out to all the amazing mums! Wonderful thread Flowers hoping to implement some of these

onelittlefrog · 03/09/2021 06:28

@XelaM

My mum is very strict, but she's superhuman in everything she does. She is a great role model to my daughter. She is incredibly smart, witty, self-disciplined, has steely determination and unbelievable organisational skills. She is also an amazing cook. She would do and does anything for me and my brother and everything she does, she does to perfection
Your mum sounds amazing Grin
onelittlefrog · 03/09/2021 06:30

My mum is determined and passionate and loves us proudly and fiercely. What more could you want?

undermycatsthumb · 03/09/2021 07:07

She always said the holidays were the best time for her and she hated it when we went back to school. Can I ask how that made you feel? As a SAHM I absolutely feel the same way, I love for the holidays and get so sad when the kids go back but I try not to mention it as want them to be excited about the new term…

Imcatmum · 03/09/2021 07:12

Unconditional love. Never embarrassed, humiliated or belittled me. Never let her own agenda be more important than mine. Gave me my freedom without criticism of my choices, only offered support if I needed it.

NorthernChinchilla · 03/09/2021 07:17

Unconditional love

Home was always a safe space

Let me be me even though I was a bloody odd child

The best person to talk to- she was ferociously bright, 5 degrees- but kept up an interest in modern culture. She always valued my input.

She had various significant issues- MH, became very disabled when I was early 20s- but I knew I was her world.

She died in March after a pretty horrific illness. I hear Massive Attack's Protection and think of her and what she gave me.

mokojolo · 03/09/2021 07:22

Honest, strong, and fair. And she loved us, and liked us as well.

My mother wasn't self sacrificing and I am glad for that because I value the example of being a compassionate, loving person who has their own life and clear boundaries. I have struggled with self sacrifice and I'm glad to have that example when being a friend to myself.

Rosebel · 03/09/2021 21:53

@undermycatsthumb

She always said the holidays were the best time for her and she hated it when we went back to school. Can I ask how that made you feel? As a SAHM I absolutely feel the same way, I love for the holidays and get so sad when the kids go back but I try not to mention it as want them to be excited about the new term…
She didn't admit this until I was older (certainly in secondary school) and it didn't really change how I felt. I really enjoyed being with my mum but I don't remember feeling really bad or anything because I was going back and she said she missed us.
Imtryingveryhard · 04/09/2021 01:01

I wish my mum was like the mum you are all describing. However, her not being that has made me (I hope) a much nicer and supportive Mum to my children, and I try to aspire to the attributes you have all listed :)

WTF475878237NC · 04/09/2021 01:06

Grew up being told that she was proud of me. Never had to guess or look back and say I think she was...

Always encouraging. Brought up to believe I could do anything I set my mind to and to never give up on a dream.

Would put herself out if it meant something important could happen for me or my siblings.

Never put her worries onto us. We had no money at all and were sheltered from that in as many ways as we could be.

Supported us with hobbies and social development so we are all reasonably confident and personable.

Would let us know if we were in the wrong and make sure we owned it.

It wasn't perfect and she made some mistakes but was also wonderful and taught me lots about being a mother.

DramaAlpaca · 04/09/2021 01:14

@Blaaaaaaaaah I don't have the best of relationships with my mother (putting it mildly) but let me just tell you that because you are aware of the difficulties you've had, you'll be able to avoid doing the same thing. I've managed it, so trust me on that one.

NellyDElephant · 04/09/2021 03:00

Many of these have made me cry. Sat in bed sobbing at 3am - it’s becoming a theme here!
I have resolved to tell my mum quite how much I love her and why, I think it’s important she knows.
She’s the most loyal and supportive person in my life, I can rely on her to be there for me no matter what, a hug from her makes everything better. I know I’m not as good a Mum to my 3 DC (always too busy, always too rushed, always too impatient) and I must try harder.

PileOfBooks · 04/09/2021 03:18

Wow I would so have loved this . Neither of my parents "had my back" etc. Every now and then I doubt how "bad it was" when I was a kid but threads like these remind me of how its supposed to be.

I read so many parenting books when mine were little as I was so scared to repeat awful parenting.

I so hope my kids will respond as you all have. I havent managed the well paid job but but we do do a lot and the kids are always told how loved they are ❤

SquarePeggyLeggy · 04/09/2021 03:19

I miss my Mum so much. She was so selfless and worked so very hard to give us everything we could. She spoiled us rotten, not with money but with love. She did the breakfast in bed thing too. We were very poor but never went without, we went on holidays and did extra curriculars (which she achieved by never buying anything for herself, and her magic budgeting and saving skills). She was superhuman and died too young.
Her fatal flaw was loving my deadbeat Dad and wasting her wonderful self and love on him when he was so unworthy.

Darbysmama · 04/09/2021 04:05

Amazing mom? Whelp, I’m out! Lol. I can only tell you what NOT to do. 🤣

EishetChayil · 04/09/2021 07:57

My mum was emotionally abusive, and the main thing I'm doing to make sure I break the cycle with DD is to ensure that my emotions and emotional fragility don't dominate the family dynamic. My daughter will never be made to feel bad for disagreeing or arguing with me.

LadyOfLittleLeisure · 04/09/2021 09:31

These are so lovely to read Smile

Wardrobes123 · 04/09/2021 10:01

Agree with some of these - she made me feel safe and loved even when we did stupid things. She still does!

My parents were separated and my dad loved us but it was like walking on egg shells - we had too behave or else and love was conditional- if we were good and behaved as expected it was fine, but if we weren’t perfect it was awful.

Whereas my mum would just tell us off when we were naughty and we’d move on. She didn’t hold a grudge or be mean about it. She absolutely loved the bones of us. She still does. She also would do anything for us. We’ve had some ups and downs and she is an unwavering support.

Also she used to do a lot of nice things with us - little things like Saturday dinners- we’d always buy nice things like different cheeses/mussels/meats and try new recipes. She told us lots of great stories about life and she used to walks, followed by cocoa and sweets. It sounds daft but she didn’t have much money but she would always make her time with us a lot of fun.

She’s wonderful - and she’s just the same with my kids now. They call her now as teens and she’s just great. I have a nice relationship with my children and I hope that they too know how much they were loved.

MiddleAgedLurker · 04/09/2021 11:41

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the OP's request.

OhGiveUp · 04/09/2021 12:00

My mum is a beautiful person, both inside and out.
She always hugged us, still does.
She always supported and encouraged us with both education and career. She made us believe in ourselves.
She had boundaries which she was consistent with.
She would praise us and punish us appropriately.
She never hit us and rarely raised her voice.
She made us feel safe, secure and loved.
She's a fantastic grandmother and great grandmother too. She's the matriarch of the family and loves nothing more than for us all, kids, grandkids and great grandkids to all be at her house at the same time so she can fuss around like a mother hen.

MissyMooKins · 04/09/2021 12:05

My mum would cook me food when I use to wake her up in the early hours coming home from clubbing. Usually I'd be banging on the door unable to find my key. She was never annoyed with me and would make me a cup of tea and egg sandwich / beans on toast.

MissyMooKins · 04/09/2021 12:10

We always knew my mum loved us unconditionally. She would smack us when younger with a hairbrush, remote, her hand etc but we laugh when we discuss it. Didn't impact us atall. Maybe she never hit us hard, who knows. Our mums just lovely. We were little shits 😂😂

PermanentTemporary · 04/09/2021 12:13

Gentle, interested, kind and tbh rock solid in going in to bat for me when absolutely necessary. She sheltered me a lot which had some negatives but God I thank her for it. I always had a home with her without question. Lots of love and truly amazing food. She made my packed lunch every day until I was 18 Blush

AlexaShutUp · 04/09/2021 12:15

Unconditional love and respect for the fact that I am my own person. Supportive without ever being interfering.

wonderstuff · 04/09/2021 12:18

I knew she loved me unconditionally but also that she liked me most of time. She was interested in me. She worked hard to give our family a good life.

And then I'm just lucky that now as adults we get on really well which is lovely. If the chips are down we're there for each other. We value each other.

I think that we often parent in response to the way we were parented, my grandmother was incredibly strict and controlling, ridiculed my mum if she disagreed with her, demanded huge amounts of household support with mum cooking, cleaning and looking after younger siblings. In contrast my mother was incredibly liberal and accepting, desperate for me to have the freedoms she had wanted. I'm not quite as easygoing as my mother, but I'm definitely nothing like my mother!