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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Married couple expecting to stay in separate rooms?

122 replies

shareabed · 02/09/2021 21:50

I live in a house where musical beds at night is a common occurrence and my husband and I sleep apart more than we sleep together. We have adopted the "whatever gives us all the most sleep for now" motto. Hopefully a temporary measure to get us through the baby/toddler years. When we stay as a guest anywhere else we would all bunk in together in one room and expect a rubbish nights sleep but would never expect people to put themselves out to accommodate our rather antisocial sleep needs!

My husband's parents have been coming to stay with us pretty regularly. At home, they sleep in separate rooms due to FIL's snoring. We only have one guest room however when they stay with us they expect to use two bedrooms, which means that we have nowhere to escape too if one of us needs too. I ended up having to sleep on the sofa for part of the stay last time they were up as I just desperately needed some space/sleep. The last couple of times they have come to stay, I have pointedly just set up one room for them to share and closed the door to the nursery & made sure it did not look guest ready but my husband's mom just moved her stuff into there (until the midnight musical beds shuffle) without asking either of us.

If it was just once in a blue moon then I'd just get on with it but the fact that it's on a regular basis and it's the expectation that is pissing me off! I'm keen to bring it up with them but my husband does not want to ruffle feathers. He is very much of the opinion that they are are guests so we should make every effort to make them comfortable.

So should we be putting our guests comfort before our own or are their expectations for a room each unreasonable?

OP posts:
Farfalle88 · 02/09/2021 21:52

I think they’re being unreasonable and rude. If they want to sleep in separate bedrooms they ought to stay in a B and B.

SusanBAnthony999 · 02/09/2021 21:54

I think you should get the main bedroom ( plus baby if needed) and your DH should decamp to the living room sofa. His parents. His problem.

WhensomeonementionsMN · 02/09/2021 21:54

Do they stay in separate rooms on holiday? They are BU.

lockdownalli · 02/09/2021 21:56

They are being unreasonable and rude.

thing47 · 02/09/2021 21:56

If your husband doesn't want to ruffle feathers then he gets to sleep on the sofa/air bed etc.

I would just say to him "I'm having our bed. It's up to you whether you want to have a conversation with your parents, or just find somewhere else for yourself to sleep."

TractorAndHeadphones · 02/09/2021 21:56

It’s your house. Hospitality doesn’t extend to sacrificing your own comfort for guests. One room or a B&B. If they can’t manage it Yi ur husband gives up HIS room. It’s his parents!

Paq · 02/09/2021 21:57

You need to talk to them.

parietal · 02/09/2021 21:57

before they come for the next visit, tell them 'baby is getting bigger now and needs to sleep in the nursery all night & needs quiet in there, so there is only one room available for guests. Do you want to stay in the one room or would you rather book a BnB?'

If necessary, FIL could stay at the BnB and let MIL stay with you (or vice versa).

Quitelikeacatslife · 02/09/2021 22:01

We had some relatives to stay and after first night he moaned so much about having to stare a room (with his wife!) had never told us before would be a problem. I cleared out my office and make up a bed for her as I felt bad (in between cooking for them and making cups of tea.
It's annoying, you need to tell them . Do it before they come next time " oh that will be lovely to see you but DC is up in the night a lot so you will have to go in together"

NotAnotherBloodyNameChange · 02/09/2021 22:03

We mostly sleep apart in this house too op but would never expect to be given separate rooms when guests in someone else’s house.

Is it the double bed that’s the issue for them or snoring & the fact it’s the same room? Just wondering if one of those zip together beds would be an option for the guest room if they are frequent visitors so it can be pushed apart if it’s a restless legs/too close and touching issue?
Like this

www.divanbasedirect.co.uk/products/zip-and-link-platform-top-divan-bed-base?currency=GBP&utm_medium=cpc&utm_source=google&utm_campaign=Google%20Shopping&utm_campaign=gs-2018-10-18&utm_source=google&utm_medium=smart_campaign&gclid=Cj0KCQjw7MGJBhD-ARIsAMZ0eevbm9tJLWNrKbHJ521R8KRaEGWHQ3v_xtj9Znyyq-fkdDR68gHp_FwaAhgDEALw_wcB

kittenpeak · 02/09/2021 22:05

You've explained it perfectly OP. You choose to sleep all over the place / have antisocial sleeping arrangements, but would never expect these to be accommodated if you go elsewhere. Having a guest room is a luxury and your guests should expect one room. If they can't cope with one room then b&b all the way.

ittakes2 · 02/09/2021 22:12

Your hubby doesn't want to put them out sp why is he not sleeping on the sofa?

justasking111 · 02/09/2021 22:15

Wow your OH is just being selfish, he sleeps on the sofa if he won't man up. Frankly they should book somewhere else

NoIDontWatchLoveIsland · 02/09/2021 22:21

Out of curiosity, when on holiday paying for it themselves do they take one hotel room or two?

basilfawltytowers · 02/09/2021 22:21

I have the same issue. ILs refuse to share a room. Even more annoying, PIL will only accept the biggest spare room. Once he repacked the car and drove home because I'd put him in a different room. SIL needed the bigger room for her, her DH and a camp bed for their dc. I don't mind really, as they're a lovely couple in all other respects and I enjoy their visits. They just have very inflexible sleeping habits!
For back ground MIL snores, very loudly. I imagine it drives FIL a little bit bonkers.

Original poster
shareabed · 02/09/2021 22:27

I can understand from their perspective, it looks like we have one guest room and one room "spare".

My husband (despite being the driving force between our night time separation as he couldn't cope with the multiple times a night wake ups whilst working full time) is very touchy about admitting that we sleep apart to anyone.

I also already constantly feel like the bad cop around them (establishing boundaries has been a losing battle on my part which is probably partly why I feel so annoyed) so I'm not sure how to bring it up. I have my feeling my MIL would choose to sleep on the sofa rather than go in with FIL in which case I'd feel too guilty. I think it's the snoring that's an issue for her but they generally don't get on very well and spend most of their visits bickering incessantly with each other. I think hell would freeze over before they go into a B&B.

OP posts:
Boombadoom · 02/09/2021 22:30

I’m not sure how a nursery is a spare room, unless the baby is still in with you and the nursery is therefore empty?

As such, I’d set myself up a bed in the nursery with the baby in their cot. No problems then.

Chloemol · 02/09/2021 22:32

If your husband doesn’t want to bring it up, then he is the one who sleeps on the sofa

Simple as that

SoundBar · 02/09/2021 22:32

Why hell freeze over for a B and B?! A premier inn or similar can be v cheap!

NatriumChloride · 02/09/2021 22:32

This is ridiculous, rude and very entitled behaviour! I support what a PP said. “Hello Norma and Jason! DC is now sleeping through the night and needs his room for quiet. We’d need two of you in the guest room, please, as there’s no other space in the house unless one of you fancies the sofa.”

Hankunamatata · 02/09/2021 22:35

So you have 3 bed house. 1 main bedroom, 1 is nursery and 1 is guest room. Is that right?

I'd say to pil that you are sleeping in the nursery due to dc waking so dh can get some sleep.

Summerfun54321 · 02/09/2021 22:36

You’re not running a guest house. Your house, your rules. Otherwise they go elsewhere.

Farfalle88 · 02/09/2021 22:38

@shareabed

I can understand from their perspective, it looks like we have one guest room and one room "spare".

My husband (despite being the driving force between our night time separation as he couldn't cope with the multiple times a night wake ups whilst working full time) is very touchy about admitting that we sleep apart to anyone.

I also already constantly feel like the bad cop around them (establishing boundaries has been a losing battle on my part which is probably partly why I feel so annoyed) so I'm not sure how to bring it up. I have my feeling my MIL would choose to sleep on the sofa rather than go in with FIL in which case I'd feel too guilty. I think it's the snoring that's an issue for her but they generally don't get on very well and spend most of their visits bickering incessantly with each other. I think hell would freeze over before they go into a B&B.

Why? Why can’t they book two rooms in a B and B ? It’s ridiculous. I wouldn’t be putting them up in two separate rooms.
TracyLords · 02/09/2021 22:40

Oh gosh. This reminds me of an awkward night in my in laws. I snore like hell. We were sleeping in one of their spare rooms together, and he must have got up and left to go to the other spare room . Dd was vomiting so I went into the other spare room and nudged him awake. Turns out it was DFiL I woke up, as he was in fact sleeping in the other spare room. DH had taken the sofa downstairs

Ragwort · 02/09/2021 22:42

if your DH won't talk to them about it then he must surely be the one who sleeps on the sofa, what's wrong with that? Confused

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